My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[belochkka]

Thank you for responding!

Beautiful English! I don't think I've noticed any mistakes. Even if there are any, they are insignificant and in no way interfere with the flow of the essay. You English is so good that I hope you won't mind me making comments in English

Thanks. And not at all. I grew up in the US (9 years, non - consecutively) and have been writing essays for as long as I can remember (and have had several published in US newspapers and journals). However, I still have to take the IELTS as a formal demonstration of my English proficiency for grad school in Australia. And the most major issue I'm having at this point is that I don't quite write dry, uberstructured academic essays like the ones provided in the IELTS example tests.

I've got another problem with your writing, though. And don't even know how to explain this to you. I kind of find it difficult sometimes to see the cause and effect relationship. For example, the first sentence deals with the advances of democracy and the dilemma of punishment for your crimes. However, I can't understand why many people face this dilemma? Do you mean many people are criminals, or judges? I had to read this sentence several times trying to make head and tails of it and still I'm at sea as far as the meaning is concerned.

The same can be said about the last sentence. When you say some other such atrocity what atrocities are you talking about? You haven't mentioned any!

I'm hoping this is a cultural issue (sorry, I'm assuming you're Russian) *runs off to test sentences on American friends*. The first sentence is an attempt to introduce the topic without paraphrasing the question. What I meant was that (in countries that have a true democracy) it's the people who determine what principles the legal system is based on, and hence every citizen has to ponder this question on his or her own, and then vote accordingly, for the candidates whose values most closely resemble their own. Then the elected officials pass laws based on their beliefs. The judges merely act out the will of the collective consciousness on these matters.

Is sending four kids to an orphanage or giving them up for adoption (probably, to separate homes) not an atrocity? I mean, the mother only stole money for food!

Other things to consider:
desperation -> despair
After all - used twice
system of laws -> legal system
funds to be able to have a high-class illegitimate affair -> to afford

All accepted. I tried writing this in the 25-30 minutes alloted, so there are bound to be mishaps like that. If I had 15 more minutes, I'd most certainly have polished everything up. As it is, I'm barely able to finish both essays on time.

Overall, the table reflects that people have the same spending priorities everywhere: first, putting food on the table and satisfying a common addiction; second, covering the body and staying warm; finally, training the brain and enjoying life to its fullest.

Is this what you meant?
(exercise your brain - a better option)
Actually, "train your brain" is a common American phrase, it's a bit informal and upbeat, which is why I included it. I feel that when we "exercise" our brain it's more like we do some sorts of exercises. I guess both would work. As I said, I write intuitively, thinking in English, using the words that come to mind.

And, sorry, what about the data analysis? In your opinion, is what I wrote something like what the testing committee will accept? Or am I doing this wrong somehow?
And thank you, once again!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Thank you for responding!

Thanks. And not at all. I grew up in the US (9 years, non - consecutively) and have been writing essays for as long as I can remember (and have had several published in US newspapers and journals). However, I still have to take the IELTS as a formal demonstration of my English proficiency for grad school in Australia. And the most major issue I'm having at this point is that I don't quite write dry, uberstructured academic essays like the ones provided in the IELTS example tests.

If you've been writing formal essays similar to those required when studying at High School, this shouldn't be an issue. The ones that are provided as samples are for those who are learning English, and are absolutely 'alien' to a native speaker. Most sample essays target the score of 5.5 - 6.5 anyway, which is by far below your level of English proficiency.

I'm hoping this is a cultural issue

Hope away : it's your decision anyway. However, from my point of view, there's a serious problem with cohesion here and the fact that you have to explain (hence every citizen has to ponder this question on his or her own, and then vote accordingly, for the candidates whose values most closely resemble their own) just proves this yet again.

Is sending four kids to an orphanage or giving them up for adoption (probably, to separate homes) not an atrocity? I mean, the mother only stole money for food!

The subject of this sentence is 'they'. So it's not clear what's happening here: 'forced adoption (shouldn't it be 'into adoption'?) or some other such atrocity'. And no, adoption, even the forced one, is not an atrocity if it is performed in accordance with the law of a particular country, in your case a democratic country. Just check the meaning of this word in any decent thesaurus: murder, killing, act of violence, crime, etc

Overall, the table reflects that people have the same spending priorities everywhere: first, putting food on the table Is this what you meant?

Yep.

And, sorry, what about the data analysis? In your opinion, is what I wrote something like what the testing committee will accept? Or am I doing this wrong somehow?

it's very good. I'm sure the examiners will be happy.

Just let me make myself clear. I don't know what score you are targeting but if it's anything below 9 , you just need to make sure you write within the timeframe given and make it more or less formal.

[belochkka]

Hope away : it's your decision anyway. However, from my point of view, there's a serious problem with cohesion here and the fact that you have to explain (hence every citizen has to ponder this question on his or her own, and then vote accordingly, for the candidates whose values most closely resemble their own) just proves this yet again.

Thank you, I do see your point. I will pay more attention to my introduction and conclusion, so that they may be better developed.

The subject of this sentence is 'they'. So it's not clear what's happening here: 'forced adoption (shouldn't it be 'into adoption'?) or some other such atrocity'. And no, adoption, even the forced one, is not an atrocity if it is performed in accordance with the law of a particular country, in your case a democratic country. Just check the meaning of this word in any decent thesaurus: murder, killing, act of violence, crime, etc

Yes, it should be “forced into,” error admitted there. However, to be a bit nit-picky the definition of atrocious is

1. extremely or shockingly wicked, cruel, or brutal: an atrocious crime.
2. shockingly bad or tasteless; dreadful; abominable: an atrocious painting; atrocious manners.
Synonyms:
1. felonious, heinous, monstrous, diabolical, devilish. 2. execrable; detestable.

According to the Random House dictionary
And

1. Extremely evil or cruel; monstrous: an atrocious crime.
2. Exceptionally bad; abominable: atrocious decor; atrocious behavior.

According to the American Heritage dictionary.
I believe that taking kids away from their parents, especially when the parents actually do care about them, is an abominable thing to do. I would rather live with a mother who cared enough for me to break the law for my sake (again, assuming there was no other way) than with a stranger, and watch my mom get thrown in jail for some petty crime.
(but this is totally off-topic)
The definition you are referring to most closely resembles the legal one provided in the Merriam-Webster's Dictionary of Law:

characterized by extreme cruelty or viciousness <atrocious assault and battery>

I don't know what score you are targeting but if it's anything below 9, you just need to make sure you write within the time frame given and make it more or less formal.

The “more formal” part is what I'm most concerned with.
And thank you for your input! I promise I'll watch those introductions and conclusions.
I need a 6.5 average and 6.0 writing BTW.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

...I need a 6.5 average and 6.0 writing BTW.

That's all you need?
Forget about your IELTS writing practice and enjoy your life!

[Alexander Usov]

Прошу проверить письмо.

An Australian colleague is going to your country for a conference. He/she will spend several days in your home town and has written a letter to you asking for advice about thing to see and do there/
Write a letter to the colleague suggesting what should see and do while he /she is in your home town.

Dear John,
Thanks a lot for your letter. It was nice to hear from you. It’s so great that we will meet on the workshop in Irkutsk. I thought I’d drop you a line to let you know what is the best way to spend free time in my hometown.

To tell the truth, there are really a lot of things you can see in Irkutsk. First of all, I’d like to recommend you a boat tour along banks of the Angara river. In fact, out town is situated on the river and you will have a great possibility to see beautiful skyscrapers, a TV tower, cathedral and business centers. Also I’d like to suggest you to visit a museum about the history of Irkutsk and take part in an exhibition which is devoted to customs and traditions of Irkutsk dwellers. All these stuffs take place in the center of the town and you can book it in one of ticket offices.

Another thing, I’d advise you to do is to visit a souvenir shop on the Linina Street and buy Russian dolls, a winter cap or something you like there. I’m sure, it would be very amazing to show all these things to your family, friends and relatives in Australia.

I hope these suggesting help. If there is anything else I can do before your visit please give me a ring on 8(111)222-333. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best wishes,
Alexander

[Lavrentiy]

Прошу проверить письмо.

An Australian colleague is going to your country for a conference. He/she will spend several days in your home town and has written a letter to you asking for advice about thing to see and do there/
Write a letter to the colleague suggesting what should see and do while he /she is in your home town.

Alexander

Dear John,
Thanks a lot for your letter. It was nice to hear from you. It’s so great that we will meet on the workshop in Irkutsk. I thought I’d drop you a line to let you know what is the best way to spend free time in my hometown.

To tell the truth, there are really a lot of things you can see in Irkutsk. First of all, I’d like to recommend you a boat tour along (1) banks of the Angara (2) river. In fact, out town is situated on the river and you will have a great possibility to see beautiful skyscrapers, a TV tower, cathedral and business (3) centers. Also I’d like to suggest (4) you to visit (5) a museum about the history of Irkutsk and (6) take part in an exhibition which is devoted to customs and traditions of (7) Irkutsk dwellers. ( All these stuffs take place (9) in the center of the town and you can book it in one of (10) ticket offices.

Another thing, I’d advise you to do is to visit a souvenir shop on (11) the Linina Street and buy Russian dolls, a winter (12) cap or something you like there. I’m sure, it would be (13) very amazing to show all these things to your family, friends and relatives in Australia.

I hope these (14) suggesting help. If there is anything else I can do before your visit please give me a ring on 8(111)222-333. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best wishes,
Alexander

(1) the
(2) River – s bol’shoi bukvy
(3) centres
(4) that you should visit (?)
(5) the Irkutsk History Museum (?)
(6) attend an exhibition (?). If you take part in an exhibition, you are one of the participants (i.e. painters, sculptors, etc) as opposed to visitors.
(7) people of Irkutsk (?) Do not use “dwellers” here.
( All this stuff (!)
(9) in the centRe of town = downtown = ili “in the town centre” – luchshe?
(10) the, i.e those that are downtown, and therefore defined by the definite article
(11) on Lenin Street
(12) hat! “cap” eto beisbolka
(13) very – ne nado
(14) suggestions

Great letter. Well done!

[Alexander Usov]

Dear John,
Thanks a lot for your letter. It was nice to hear from you. It’s so great that we will meet on the workshop in Irkutsk. I thought I’d drop you a line to let you know what is the best way to spend free time in my hometown.

To tell the truth, there are really a lot of things you can see in Irkutsk. First of all, I’d like to recommend you a boat tour along (1) banks of the Angara (2) river. In fact, out town is situated on the river and you will have a great possibility to see beautiful skyscrapers, a TV tower, cathedral and business (3) centers. Also I’d like to suggest (4) you to visit (5) a museum about the history of Irkutsk and (6) take part in an exhibition which is devoted to customs and traditions of (7) Irkutsk dwellers. ( All these stuffs take place (9) in the center of the town and you can book it in one of (10) ticket offices.

Another thing, I’d advise you to do is to visit a souvenir shop on (11) the Linina Street and buy Russian dolls, a winter (12) cap or something you like there. I’m sure, it would be (13) very amazing to show all these things to your family, friends and relatives in Australia.

I hope these (14) suggesting help. If there is anything else I can do before your visit please give me a ring on 8(111)222-333. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best wishes,
Alexander

(1) the
(2) River – s bol’shoi bukvy
(3) centres
(4) that you should visit (?)
(5) the Irkutsk History Museum (?)
(6) attend an exhibition (?). If you take part in an exhibition, you are one of the participants (i.e. painters, sculptors, etc) as opposed to visitors.
(7) people of Irkutsk (?) Do not use “dwellers” here.
( All this stuff (!)
(9) in the centRe of town = downtown = ili “in the town centre” – luchshe?
(10) the, i.e those that are downtown, and therefore defined by the definite article
(11) on Lenin Street
(12) hat! “cap” eto beisbolka
(13) very – ne nado
(14) suggestions

Great letter. Well done!

Thanks a lot. Your corrections are very important and usefull for improving English.

[Alexander Usov]

Прошу проверить мое новое эссе.

In Western countries, people spend a lot of money on their pets. They buy special food for their cats or dogs, buy them toys and often pay high fees for medical treatment. Some people think this is a waste of money and argue that pets are dirty and dangerous.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of having pet? Do people spend too much money on pets?

Some people believe that pets influence on adults and children only positive way. However, other people are sure that pets’ owners pay too much attention to their favorites and spend a lot of money without real necessity. In this essay I will discuss both point of view and present my opinion in favor of people who incline to think that having pets are good idea.

On the one hand, there are a lot of benefits when a family has a pet. First of all, a pet usually become a member of a family. For example, as to my family I have a cat and we perceive her as the little daughter in all senses. Secondly, there is no doubt that pets help to bring up children and a lot of positive things usually take place. For instance, children in a family, who has a pet , will be more kind and caring in their adult life and moreover they will get along well with other people. Thirdly, scientists say that in accordance with statistics having cats, dogs or other pets are very useful for a man’s health. So the more people spend time with domestic animals the more happier they will be and finally their health will be also better.

On the other hand, there are some negative sides while people have a pet. The most obvious disadvantage of it is the fact that nowadays some people spend much money for up-to-date clothes for their favorites or even get them an expensive haircut. Another important aspect of this is that some pets are dangerous for people’s health. For example, I have recently read an article where physics stated that some kind of allergies can be raised by having pets at home. In addition to these disadvantages adults and children should take into account that they need time in order to care of their favorites. Take for example the fact that dog’s owner have to walk with the favorite for not less than one or two hour per day.

Taking into account all mentioned above, in my opinion having domestic animals has more positive sides then negative ones. I am sure if a family have a dog or a cat children will be more kind and sensitive then in the families without pets.

[Alexander Usov]

Эссе на проверку. Заранее благодарен.

What technological development do you think has been the most important? How has it changed people’s life? Have all the changes been positive?

I think the question about scientific inventions which took place in the last century is the one that is very interesting and open for debate. Scientist have made tremendous breakthrough in many spheres of man’s activities such as invention of an engine of internal combustion, a telephone and a personal computer. In this essay, I will discuss one of the most remarkable discovery of the last decades which called the Internet and present my opinion concerning positive and negative sides of this phenomenon.

There is no doubt that the Internet or in other words World Wide Web has changed people’s life dramatically. Take for example the fact that nowadays men and women have a great opportunity to communicate with each other through the ocean using up-to-date means such as Skype, a chat, ICQ and so on. As for me, I personally enjoy speaking with friends from another countries with help of Skype and also such way I have a possibility to improve my communications skills in English. Another important aspect of development of the Internet is the fact that today high-speed means of communications give fantastic opportunities for employees in order to work from their homes. It is well-known fact that telecommuting have become very popular nowadays because there are a lot of advantages of it. For instance, office workers or in other words white collars don’t waste of their time and money for commuting from a home to a work and back on the everyday base. So there are many obvious benefits of using the Internet.

However, there are some disadvantages of spreading of the Internet all over the world. First of all, computer viruses are very dangerous for information which is stored on hard disks and unfortunately user’s computers and notebooks can be infected by way of the Internet. Another negative side of spreading of the Internet is so called e-crimes which take place when a computer criminal withdraw money from a victim’s credit card. So it makes sense that there are negative sides of the Internet as well.

Taking into account all mentioned above I am inclined to believe that in spite having of some negative aspects of the Internet positive sides overweight them. If mankind will develop WWW future generation will have huge benefits from it.

[Alexander Usov]

Почему такая тишина. Или перевелись на свете знатоки английского?

[Grifffin]

In Western countries, people spend a lot of money on their pets. They buy special food for their cats or dogs, buy them toys and often pay high fees for medical treatment. Some people think this is a waste of money and argue that pets are dirty and dangerous.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of having pet? Do people spend too much money on pets?

Я конечно не особо знаток. Прочитал эссе. Ничего не понял. Т.е. написано вроде бы по-английски но как-то непонятно. Попробуйте писать чуть по проще. Не нужно наворачивать сложные конструкции (некоторых нет в английском языке).

Если ваше эссе будет нечитабельным вам снизят бал.

[Alexander Usov]

Я конечно не особо знаток. Прочитал эссе. Ничего не понял. Т.е. написано вроде бы по-английски но как-то непонятно. Попробуйте писать чуть по проще. Не нужно наворачивать сложные конструкции (некоторых нет в английском языке).

Если ваше эссе будет нечитабельным вам снизят бал.

Спасибо за Ваше мнение. То что вы выделили это заданная тема эссе. Да такая тема и она не сложная а вот за простые конструкции высокий бал как раз и не поставят. (книга IELTS Preparation and Practice Reading and Writing General Training Module стр 134). Далее идет само эссе. Хотелось бы услышать конструктивные замечания.

[Alexander Usov]

Мое письмо на проверку.

You booked a two-week holiday to Sydney with Fly-by-Night Travel. You are not happy with the holiday- the flight was delayed, the hotel was noisy. Complain about the holiday giving details about the problems. Request some compensation or refund.

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to complain about the poor service which my family have got through your travel agency. My family spent the holiday at the hotel “Sunrise” in Sydney from 5th to 19th of June 2009.

I don’t believe that service can be so awful. First of all, we arrived in Sydney 5 hours later because our departure from London was delayed. As a result, we had to spend all night sleeping in the air terminal. Secondly, after we arrived to the hotel, a receptionist asked us that our room had been already occupied by another family and suggested us another room. You can imagine our disappointment when we discovered that there was not view on the sea from windows of our room despite the fact that it was one of our agreement with your company. Moreover, there was very loud noise in the room because the roadway was not far away from the hotel thus my family could not sleep well.

The best solution for me would be 50% refund of the tour cost. You can contact me by the address above or by phone number 8(111)111-111. I expect to hear from you as soon as possible.

Your faithfully,
Alexander Usov.

[Alexander Usov]

The next one

You have lost your credit card.
Write to the manager of your bank. Explain where and how you lost the card and any relevant details. Ask the manager to cancel the card and to send you replacement.


Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to inform your bank about the fact that I have lost my credit card. I am a client of your bank from 1th of April 2007 and always was satisfied with service.

I suppose that I left the card in a cash dispenser in the shopping center “Avrova” in the “Kurchatova” street on 20th of June 2009. I withdrew $550 for some purchases in the center and accidentally forgot to get the card back because I hurried to join the queue in a boutique. Next day in the morning I found out at home that my credit card was disappeared.

I would be grateful if you could close my current card and open a new one. I wonder if you could send me a new card either in a Post Office or in a branch bank.

Please, contact me by the address above or by phone number 8(111)222-333. I look forward to your prompt response.

Your faithfully,
Alexander Usov

[natalya_ielts]

please, can you see my letter

Task 1. You are applying for a job and need a letter of reference from someone who knew you when you were at school.

Write a letter to one of your old teachers asking for a reference. In your letter

• Say what job you have applied for;
• Explain why you want this job;
• Suggest what information the teacher should include.

Dear, Mrs. Stephenson!
Best regards, it’s been a long time since we saw each other. I have graduated from the Finance academy in 2008. After that I was working last year. And now I’m applying for a new job. I’m interested in the position of financial analyst in the Department of Corporate Finance. So I would be grateful if you could write a reference that provides information about my abilities.
I have a degree in “Finance and Credit”. Therefore my professional interests are related to researches on methods of corporate finance. Job’s duties that I applied for include collecting financial data and analyzing these. I think I’ll be able to meet all requirements and steadily improve myself.
In my opinion I suppose that this letter of reference should characterize me as a true professional who has all qualities needed for this position. For example, that I possess good organizational and planning skills and ability to work under time pressure. Besides I’m attentive to the details. And I can work in a team.
I will await your reply.
Yours sincerely, Natalia.