My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[_Dreamer_]

Vash Essay mne ponravilsa to esli vam nujon sdavat ILTS to u vas struktura nemnogo ne dorabotana. kstati ya pisala ne etu temu toje essay tak kak jelatelno ne povtoryatsa ya pisala gdeto colse adults vmesto parents.

а что именно в структуре не так? роскажите пожалуйста вкратце... Это просто очень важно)

[Happiko]

Привет всем! Очень прошу проверить мои старания, если нат возможности проверить, то хотябы прочтите и вкратце скажите на что обратить внимание. Очень важно ваше мнение, за раннее спасибо.

A gift (such as a camera, a soccer ball, or an animal) can contribute to a child’s development. What gift would you give to help a child develop? Why? Use reasons and specific examples to support your choice.

There is a challenge of presenting useful gifts for lovely offspring exist. There is no doubt, that contradictions and a lot of debates concerning this point can affect the choice. To my mind a simple laptop is extremely useful gift for children, and in this essay a couple of reasons to prove this point of view will be given.

First of all, laptop give an opportunity to enjoy a huge verity of games, movies and music, consequently this will keep children engaged in spectacular process of adventures, for example. Thus, such an amazing present like simple laptop can bring to children a lot of joy, emotions, moreover they obviously will be grateful to their parents as well. In fact, satisfaction of children is the number one priority for responsible parents.

Secondly, one more step towards children`s development is social prosperity. It is well-known fact that having a computer is extremely broads a horizon and it is a grate opportunity to meet new friends due to internet access. Communication with friends will involve children in social life and sometimes this crucial issue can overweight any others pluses.

And finally, granting a laptop is an apparently smart decision. On more advantage of computing is its usability indeed. It can be used either in order to make interactive educational process, or finding, processing and storing interesting information, or just chatting with friends online.

To sum up all that have been mentioned before, it is well understandable that laptop have more good points than bad ones. However, it is up to parents to take into consideration all the circumstances and consequences in order to make a decision.

Hi Dreamer!

I think you have rich vocabulary but you still need to learn how to construct a sentence. You put all words together and simply mix them not looking into the bottom line. Some of your sentences are complicated and don't make any sense. Please try to be around the whole idea and try to make smooth transitions between your sentences or paragraphs.
For instance, There is no doubt, that contradictions and a lot of debates concerning this point can affect the choice. – what do you mean by this? Could you please translate this into Russian or make it simpler?

Spell check

1verity –variety
2 grate – great

I suggest you to look up meaning of “due to” because you use this in wrong place.
For instance, it is a grate opportunity to meet new friends due to internet access.- may be “ through internet access”?
“computer is extremely broads a horizon”- This might be as “computer extremely broadens one`s horizon”
You say that “ extremely broadens child`s horizon” but how? We never know what they are doing with the laptop if they are using for games or for chatting then I don't think so…. So you`d better add some sentences after “horizon” like “Child would have access to children book or free educational tests and learn about foreign country, language etc.
“On more advantage of computing”- This might be as “Another advantage of a computer”
It can be used either in order to make interactive educational process, or finding, processing and storing interesting information, or just chatting with friends online. – I would make like this “It can also be used to make interactive educational process, to find and store interesting information and to chat online with friends“
To sum up all that have been mentioned before,-“ To sum up all mentioned above”
“have been mentioned- might be useful if you`ve been talking about this for a year or more”

Please try to add more reasons…. it is quite short
Sorry if I am too critical on your essay but I want you to get high scores and develop your skills.
Good luck!

[_Dreamer_]

Hi Dreamer!

I think you have rich vocabulary but you still need to learn how to construct a sentence. You put all words together and simply mix them not looking into the bottom line. Some of your sentences are complicated and don't make any sense. Please try to be around the whole idea and try to make smooth transitions between your sentences or paragraphs.
For instance, There is no doubt, that contradictions and a lot of debates concerning this point can affect the choice. – what do you mean by this? Could you please translate this into Russian or make it simpler?

Spell check

1verity –variety
2 grate – great

I suggest you to look up meaning of “due to” because you use this in wrong place.
For instance, it is a grate opportunity to meet new friends due to internet access.- may be “ through internet access”?
“computer is extremely broads a horizon”- This might be as “computer extremely broadens one`s horizon”
You say that “ extremely broadens child`s horizon” but how? We never know what they are doing with the laptop if they are using for games or for chatting then I don't think so…. So you`d better add some sentences after “horizon” like “Child would have access to children book or free educational tests and learn about foreign country, language etc.
“On more advantage of computing”- This might be as “Another advantage of a computer”
It can be used either in order to make interactive educational process, or finding, processing and storing interesting information, or just chatting with friends online. – I would make like this “It can also be used to make interactive educational process, to find and store interesting information and to chat online with friends“
To sum up all that have been mentioned before,-“ To sum up all mentioned above”
“have been mentioned- might be useful if you`ve been talking about this for a year or more”

Please try to add more reasons…. it is quite short
Sorry if I am too critical on your essay but I want you to get high scores and develop your skills.
Good luck!

оххх) спасибо) на счет Please try to add more reasons…. it is quite short, вродебы по словам больше нужного - а значит нормально.. даже хорошо...я считаю что лучше писать 270 слов чем 350....(или я вас не правельно понял?) а по поводу все остальных ошибок - конечно вы правы и спасибо вам большое за помощ, я напишу еще завтра ессэ, постараюсь учесть)

[Alexander Usov]

Please check my essay and two letter.

Topic: A healthy person is often described as someone who a has a good diet, gets lots of exercises and avoid stress. What people do to stay healthy in your country.

I think that the issue which is connected health style of life is very topical and open for debate. There are a lot of ways how to be healthy and every method has own advantages. In this essay I will show what ways people in Russia usually take care about their health and also present my opinion about it.

On the one hand, the most obvious way being healthy is doing some sport. However, it is really difficult to discuss about Russia in the whole so I would like to tell about people in my hometown Irkutsk. Firstly, there is nice stadium not so far from my house and people enjoy jogging and doing physical exercises every evening. There is no doubt that such way people tend to escape everyday stress and finally they feel much better and happier themselves. Another great opportunity to be healthy is going swimming. I have recently read an article in a magazine where scientist claimed that swimming is the most useful kind of sport because it develops all muscles in equal extent. As for me I used to go swimming before 18 years old for ten years. So it is clear why people believe that sport is excellent mean for improving health.

On the other hand, some people tend to assume that diets is the most essential way in order to be healthy. In according to recent statistic report more than 30% of people in our country use diets to be fit. In addition the most popular diet is vegetarian when a man don’t eat meat at all. As to my experience, I prefer seafood such as salmon to beef and pork. Another important fact is that Russian people purchase vitamins and food addictives because there are a lot of advertisement in the mass media. After analyzing these fact it is clear why many support diets.

Taking into account everything mentioned above I suppose that an intermediate position would be the best solution. People should do physical exercises and pay attention on their diet. I am sure if an every person in my country followed this advice Russia would prosper.

Topic: Although, You have never studied computing, you have always been interested in computers. You have just read about a computer course but it is only for people who have studied computing at college or university. Write a letter asking if you can enroll.

Dear Sir/Madam
I am writing you to request information about attending computer course “Network administration of MS Windows 2000” in your educational center.

As for me, I do not major in Computing Science but I have always been keen on computers. First of all, I like reading computer magazines and books. In addition I took part in different computer conferences and workshops. For instance, I was in the workshop “Network and database administering” in Moscow in June 2009 and got a certificate proving that I successfully completed training.

I would be grateful if you could allow me to enroll the course despite the fact that I have not degree in computing. Thank you very much for attention to this matter. Please feel free to contact me by the address above or by phone number 8(111)222-333. I look forward to hearing from you before starting the course.

Your faithfully,
Alexander Usov

Topic: Yesterday you lost student id card. Write to the Director of Student Services explaining the situation and requesting a new card.

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to inform you that unfortunately I have lost my student identification card. I am a first year student of your college and I would like to explain circumstances and details of this issue.

To begin with, let me tell you about the fact that I visited the department story “AAA” on the street “BBB” yesterday at 19 pm. Unhappily, I was very tired and furthermore I harried up in order to catch a train to my home as I live in the suburb. I suppose that I left my card at a shop assistant when I was doing some purchases. I have already called there but the card has not been found.

I would be grateful if you could replace my card on a new one. I am very sorry for all inconveniences caused. Thank you for attention to this matter. Please, contact me by the address above or by phone number 8(111)222-333. I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible.

Your faithfully,
Alexander Usov.

[belochkka]

Please check my essay and two letter

S

I think that the issue which is connected health style of life is very topical and open for debate

.
The issue which is connected – слишком сложный оборот, изподвыподверта
Very topical – а по-русски вы что хотели сказать?

There are a lot of ways how to be healthy and every method has own advantages.

По-русски формулируете оборот. И в английском, как и в русском, нужно ставить запятую перед и в сложносочиненном предложении.

In this essay I will show what ways people in Russia usually take care about their health and also present my opinion about it.

Данная фраза – фактически переформулировка задания. Мне кажется, что экзаменаторы не очень положительно посморят на нее.
The topic of how to lead a healthy lifestyle is a controversial one. There are many ways to stay healthy, and each method has its own advantages.

On the one hand, the most obvious way being healthy is doing some sport.

Артикль перед one не нужен.

However, it is really difficult to discuss about Russia in the whole so I would like to tell about people in my hometown Irkutsk.

Во-первых, вы невольно сузили топик, что имхо плохо. Т.е. можно это не писать, и априори решить, что Иркутск – это и есть вся Россия.

Firstly, there is nice stadium not so far from my house and people enjoy jogging and doing physical exercises every evening.

Firstly – очень сильно рекомендую использовать first, second, third без ly. Некоторые словари (и, соответственно, преподаватели) выделяют firstly и проч. Как архаичные формы, не употребляемые в современном языке. Если честно, видела их только в какой-то из книг 17 века, которую в свое время читала. Поэтому чтобы минимизировать снятые баллы, используете более простой вариант.

There is no doubt that such way people tend to escape everyday stress and finally they feel much better and happier themselves.

Опять проблемы с построением предложения. По-русски звучит нормально, если дословно переводить:
Нет сомнения, что таким образом люди избегают ежедневного стресса и в итоге чувствуют гораздо лучше и счастливее сами. Да?
Но по английски это НЕ РАБОТАЕТ!!!
There is no doubt that IN such A way people tend to escape everyday stress, and finally they feel much better and happier themselves. И все равно, это очень каряво и вам за это снимут баллы. Читайте газеты, книжки – обращайте внимание, КАК люди строят предложения по-английски.

I have recently read an article in a magazine where scientist claimed that swimming is the most useful kind of sport because it develops all muscles in equal extent.
As for me I used to go swimming before 18 years old for ten years.

Опять же, по-английски сказать «Я до 18 лет 10 лет занимался плаванием» нельзя.
When I was a teenager, I used to swim a lot too, but I was forced to quit at 18, when I entered college and stopped having enough time to participate in competitions. (врите, зато слов будет больше).

So it is clear why people believe that sport is excellent mean for improving health.

Если честно, мне это не стало абсолютно понятно… Какая связь между тем, в чем люди участвуют, тем, что они плавают и тем, что вы плавали, и здоровьем вообще? (т.е. экстраполировать я, естественно, могу, но пытаюсь сейчас по формальным критериям придраться).

On one hand, the most obvious way of staying healthy is participating in some sport. A lot of people do this in my hometown, Irkutsk. For example, there is a nice stadium near our house, where, in the evening, residents enjoy jogging and stretching. Thereby they kill two birds with one stone: stay fit, and relieve the stresses of modern life. This makes them feel better and happier. Also, there is a pool not far from where I used to live (врете в наглую, никто вас тут правду говорить не просит, лишь бы красиво было), where some people do laps in the morning and evening hours. I recently read an article that claimed that swimming is the most beneficial sport for one’s health, as it develops all muscles equally. When I was a teenager, I used to swim a lot too; but I was forced to quit at 18, when I entered college and stopped having enough time to participate in competitions.

On the other hand, some people tend to assume that diets is the most essential way in order to be healthy.

Diets are!!!
Путь = way подразумевает действие, поэтому если вы хотите писать так предложение, то лучше подходит dieting.

In according to recent statistic report more than 30% of people in our country use diets to be fit.

In according???? In accordance with или (что вы, наверное, хотели сказать) According to a recent statistical report …

In addition the most popular diet is vegetarian when a man don’t eat meat at all.

В добавок к чему? И является ли вегетерианство диетой, или люди чаще всего по другим причинам становятся вегетарианцами?

As to my experience, I prefer seafood such as salmon to beef and pork. Another important fact is that Russian people purchase vitamins and food addictives because there are a lot of advertisement in the mass media.

Да, и покупают они витамины и БАД. И что?

After analyzing these fact it is clear why many support diets.

Опять же, совсем совсем уже ничего не ясно!
On the other hand, some people tend to assume that maintaining a balanced diet is the key to being healthy. (Эта фраза – клише, взятое из бесчисленного количества газет и журналов. Возможно, прочтение такого рода «тупой» литературы даст вам некий набор фраз, который позволит избежать русицизмов в вашем эссе). According to a recent statistical report, more than 30% of people in our country stick to diets to stay fit. The most popular diet is one in which the person doesn’t eat meat; it’s called vegetarian. As for me, I prefer seafood over beef and fork (к чему тут вообще эта фраза?).

Taking into account everything mentioned above, I suppose that a lifestyle that incorporated both diet and exercise would be most beneficial. I am sure if an every person in my country followed such a plan, the amount of money spent on health care would decrease dramatically.

[belochkka]

Общие советы и замечания 2 Alexander Usov.
1) Читайте больше статей, газет, книжек! Вам нужно научиться строить предложения по-английски.
2) Возможно, если у вас есть достаточно времени до экзамена, прорешайте книгу Grammar for Dummies и Blue Book of Grammar, там много полезных упражнение на грамматику и стилистику. Их можно легко найти в интернете.
3) При построении эссе, стройте сначала канву, например

ЗОЖ
Введение:
ЗОЖ = это важно. Существуют много взглядов на то, как вести этот пресловутый ЗОЖ. Все эти взгляды можно подразделить на 2 категории: связанные со спортом и с диетой.
Абзац 1
Связанные со спортом.
Бег на стадионах рядом с домом
Плавание
Мальчишки, гоняющие во дворах на футболе
Люди, делающие вместе зарядку по утрам
Фитнес клубы
итд итп.

Абзац 2 - диеты
Диеты - это важно.
Вегетерианство
Низкокалорийное питание
Питание с уменьшенным количеством жира
Питание с уменьшенным количеством белков
Питание с уменьшенным количеством углеводов
Следование более сложным, звездным диетам
Использованием БАД.

Абзац 4
Способы борьбы со стрессом! Вас просили об этом же написать.
спорт
хобби
длинные прогулки
йога
медитация
еще что придумаете

Для каждого из пунктов абзаца 2, 3 и 4 вы пишите по одному предложению, причем стройте его примерно так:
Некоторые люди бегают по вечерам на стадионах рядом с домом, что помогает им справится со стрессами рабочего дня и снять нервное напряжение. Другие ходят в бассейн и плавают, что, согласно исследованиям ученых, одновременно тренирует все группы мышц равномерно. Некоторые итд итп.
Т.е. схема
"они делают то-то, что так-то влияет на их здоровье" (причем понятно, что те, которые плавают тоже снимают стресс, но вам нужно по одному (желательно наиболее четкому) аргументу на занятие.
То же самое с диетой.

Потом пишите заключение, в данном случае вообще просто, по схеме.
Мне кажется, лучше всего совмещать обе группы подходов. Я сам регулярно бегаю, т.е. занимаюсь спортом (и не важно если вы не бегаете!), а также питаюсь в основном морепродуктами, т.е придерживаюсь низкожирной диеты. Мне кажется, что если бы все в России занимались бы своим здоровьем, сильно бы уменьшились затраты на здравоохранение.

[Happiko]

[QUOTE=Alexander Usov;1202721]Please check my essay and two letter.

Topic: A healthy person is often described as someone who a has a good diet, gets lots of exercises and avoid stress. What people do to stay healthy in your country.

I didnt go deeper with your essay as there are so many impractical words and complicated sentences. I think you need more practice.....Good Luck!

1. I think that the issue which is connected health style of life is very topical and open for debate.- better change to another sentence. “connected with something” “healthy life”
2. the most obvious way being- the most popular ways of being…
3. to discuss about Russia in the whole- to discuss situations in all regions of Russia
4. nice stadium- a nice stadium
5. people tend to escape everyday stress – a person would relieve everyday`s stress
6. much better and happier themselves. – much better and happy
7. diets is – dieats are
8. when a man- when a person
9. as salmon to beef – as salmon rather than beef and pork
10. Another important fact is that Russian people purchase vitamins and food addictives because there are a lot of advertisement in the mass media. – there is no link to this sentence and I don't understand what you wanted say by that…
11. that an intermediate position- ????
12. an every person- every person


1. Computing Science – Computer Science
2. been keen on computers.- been keen to study about computers.
3. training. – summer training or the training? ( we should mention what is the training is)
4. I have not degree in computing.- I don't have a degree in Computer science
5. for attention – for your attention
6. I look forward to hearing from you before starting the course.- I look forward to your response and, I appreciate if you can contact me before the course begins

1. harried up- hurried up
2. a shop assistant- the shop`s assistant
3. I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible.- I look forward to hearing from you

[ziyoda]

а что именно в структуре не так? роскажите пожалуйста вкратце... Это просто очень важно)

ya esli chestno ne ekspert sama gotovlus toje, no kak ya ponela nujno obizatelno privesti primeri ( for exaple both side)

[ItGirl]

Люди, выкладываю свой "позор". Расскажите, что с моим инглишем?

Тема: Today less communication between family members than it was the past. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Эссе:
In the modern world the value of the word “family” is different. It seems like children don’t keep in touch with their parents as much as they used to do. However, many other people live together happily and do not know how to miss each other. In this essay I will examine some reasons for the lack of time or wish to visit the relatives.

First of all, the modern teenagers became very independent. At age of 18 years old they move out from their parents and start their own life. They find the new friends, new hobbies and their life changes at all. That is why young people don’t have much time to visit their parents or even give them a call.

Another point is that people have more opportunities to travel around the world today. We can go to study abroad for long time or migrate to the different countries. It takes years to come back home, so we do not see our relatives often.

A third point is that we live in the material world. We would like to earn as much money as we can. We forget about our parents, brothers and children and turn the offices into our homes. It is common that people work six days a week, so there is only one day to have a rest. And this day they prefer not to share with some one else.

I agree that sometimes we forget to call our parents and visit our relatives because of lack of time. However, many years ago people did not have any chances which we have today to make our life happier and brighter. There is a need to see the world, earn all money and become independent person nowadays. We just want to take all opportunities from our lives.

[serge-frog]

Привет все. Первый опыт эссе. Разорвите уж что-ли. Тока чур мотивированно.

--------------------------------

Topic.
Some people believe that we should not educate our children at home. Others believe that home lessons is a valiable sort of education. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

--------------------------------

Nowadays there are a lot of methods of education in the world. For example, your child either can go to stiding at school or just can lears almost the same at home. Thus there are two groups of people. People in the first group believe that home education is totally useful for for their children. Others feel that education at home is a great deal. Below I going to describe both points of view and in conclusion will give my own opinion about this.
Some people decide to learn their children at home. As result, education schedule is more flexible and special. Therefore, each young person can have only lessons he or she need. Also, there is no school violence at home. Due to this facts, young people can get their education without problems.
Other group of peopke think that each child should go to school. Firstly, because of the fact that a child need to be socialized. The second reason that not each parent can be a teacher. So, we have problems with education quality and with young people conversational skills after home education.
Thus, there are two different points of view at the topic of home education. In my opinion, each child should spend his or her time amid the same age people as mush as it possible. However we strongly need to except childrens' violence at schools and colledges. I think that each school should have special courses or lessons against violence amid young people.

[kyp]

ItGirl

1. world the value of the word - и скоко оно по вашему стоит? лучше уж meaning
2. It seems like - русизм, нужно без like
3. It seems like children don’t keep in touch with their parents as much as they used to do in the past - так красивеее вроде.
4. However, many other people live together happily and do not know how to miss each other - вообще не понял что вы хотели сказать, сами то перевести сможите?
5. In this essay I will examine some reasons for the lack of time or wish to visit the relatives. - тоже не могу понять
6. or even give them a call. - or even pay a call them. Хотя если вы имели ввиду именно звонить то тоже не красиво.
7. Another point is that people have more opportunities to travel around the world today. We can go to study abroad for long time or migrate to the different countries. It takes years to come back home, so we do not see our relatives often. - не законченная мысль в абзаце.
8. It is common that people work six days a week, so there is only one day to have a rest - совсем как то не правильно лучше типа Commonly people work six days a week, hence have only day for rest.
9. And this day they prefer not to share with some one else. - так получше вроде And they do not prefer to share this day with some one else.
10. conclusion лень было комментировать

У Вас проблемы с порядком слов в предложении, употреблением ифинитива и много русизмов. Тема "сисек" не раскрыта. В общем лучше поработайте над структурой и тем что вы хотите сказать. Словарного запаса как по мне достаточно

ЗЫ: спасибо за внимание )

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Topic.
Some people believe that we should not educate our children at home. Others believe that home lessons is a valiable sort of education. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

--------------------------------

Nowadays there are a lot of methods of education in the world. For example, your child either can go to stiding at school or just can lears almost the same at home. Thus there are two groups of people. People in the first group believe that home education is totally useful for for their children. Others feel that education at home is a great deal. Below I going to describe both points of view and in conclusion will give my own opinion about this.
Some people decide to learn their children at home. As result, education schedule is more flexible and special. Therefore, each young person can have only lessons he or she need. Also, there is no school violence at home. Due to this facts, young people can get their education without problems.
Other group of peopke think that each child should go to school. Firstly, because of the fact that a child need to be socialized. The second reason that not each parent can be a teacher. So, we have problems with education quality and with young people conversational skills after home education.
Thus, there are two different points of view at the topic of home education. In my opinion, each child should spend his or her time amid the same age people as mush as it possible. However we strongly need to except childrens' violence at schools and colledges. I think that each school should have special courses or lessons against violence amid young people.

Совсем неплохо. Построение предложений вполне приемлемое, тема раскрыта (в основном), но:
1. достаточно много basic grammar mistakes, e.g. 3d person singular (child need ->nedds), passive vs. active (child needS to be socialized -> child needs socialise), etc
2. очень слабое заключение, не отвечающее на вопрос эссе. Вообще, по заключению похоже, что Вы очень торопились закончить, и писали что попало и как попало. Sorry.
3. Предложния слишком простые и однотипные.
4. Очень мало модальности.
5. Некоторые фразы 'не английские', например same age people
6 спеллинг

Примечание: на 5.5 тянет. IMHO.

[serge-frog]

Спасибо, Maimiti_Isabella

ошибок действительно наверное много. Не знаю как избавиться от того, что фразы 'не английские'
Тьютор ставит 4.5 обычно за мои бумагомарательства...

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Спасибо, Maimiti_Isabella

ошибок действительно наверное много. Не знаю как избавиться от того, что фразы 'не английские'
Тьютор ставит 4.5 обычно за мои бумагомарательства...

Я ставлю намного больше. Ваш тьютор, возможно, никогда не видел ни 4.5, ни 5., ни 6 и т.д. 'вживую'. 4.5 - это настолько basic, что и говорить не о чем.

Попробуйте переписать, избавляясь от ошибок. Т.е. proofreading - это очень важно.

Я вообще-то занижаю, когда даю оценки на форумах, так что ....

[ItGirl]

Я ставлю намного больше. Ваш тьютор, возможно, никогда не видел ни 4.5, ни 5., ни 6 и т.д. 'вживую'. 4.5 - это настолько basic, что и говорить не о чем.

Попробуйте переписать, избавляясь от ошибок. Т.е. proofreading - это очень важно.

Я вообще-то занижаю, когда даю оценки на форумах, так что ....

А можно вашу оценку моему эссе? )