My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Yusik]

Здравствуйте!
Покритикуйте пожалуйста мое эссе. То, что слишком длинно, понятно

In many countries there has been an increase in social problems involving teenagers in recent
years. Many people believe that this is due to modern lifestyles because parents spend more and more time at work and have less time to supervise their children. To what extent do you believe this is true?

Last time there has been noticed a growth in the number of cases when teenagers were involved in social problems. Some people believe that the reason of this is in the lack of parental attention caused by their extreme business. Let’s try to analyze in what extent this statement is true.

During last decades lifestyle of the family have changed noticeably. Last time many people work far from their homes and spend much time on the way at work and back home. Also, nowadays most often situation is when both parents work, while in the middle of twentieth century non-working mothers which stayed at home with children where most common. Another considerable change in life of family is that it became nuclear, which means that older generation, grandmothers and grandfathers, does not take as significant part in life of its descendants as it did before. Main reason of this change is that senior people often continue working even after they have reached pensionable age. Due to this, they also cannot spend much time with their grandchildren.
Thus, teenagers are left without adult supervision after their school lessons are finished and there is a risk to contact a bad company and to get into the trouble.

Nevertheless, I assume that situation is not hopeless and the decisions for this problem do exist. First of all, parents, however busy they are at work, should always be aware of what is going on in their children’s life. They can also make some special time for common activities with children. Next decision for parents is to their interests, like sport or photo clubs etc. This way teenagers will not hang about on the streets and will be occupied with a useful activities.

Resuming all mentioned above, I want to say that world is changing gradually and this changes inevitably affects the family life. Negative changes is a challenge to a modern society and the family should take it even if it demands some efforts to make, because the future of new generation depends on it.

[zerotol2005]

Yusik,
Не обижайтесь, но на мой взгляд, выше 6 не тянет (скорее ниже)
1) Нет ответа на вопрос - так и не понятно, Вы ЗА это высказывание или ПРОТИВ. Это очень желательно выразить уже Introduction. Соответственно падает оценка по Task Response
2) Очень страдают Coherence и Cohesion:
- Во многих предложениях нет согласованности: непонятно к чему идет it
- Одна мысль один абзац. Во втором абзаце 2 мысли, но первая не выделена (вторая выделена через Another)
- несколько вариантов типа this changes
3) 3-й абзац - оффтопик
4) Вывод - оффтопик
5) Большие проблемы с пунктуацией
6) Грамматика. Например, reason OF (должно быть FOR)

[kā jūms klājas]

Для интереса написал своё эссе на эту же тему. Прошу покритиковать.

In many countries there has been an increase in social problems involving teenagers in recent years. Many people believe that this is due to modern lifestyles because parents spend more and more time at work and have less time to supervise their children. To what extent do you believe this is true?
***

It is argued that teenagers would not suffer from problems in social sphere, but for increasing amount of time their parents spend at work. While I am inclined to believe it to be true, it is also school that is to be blamed for the youth becoming more susceptible to adverse social impact.

Few will deny that in today’s money-driven world more and more individuals work longer hours than they used to in previous years, thus spending less time with their children. A quick look at a recent research is enough to put this argument on a solid ground. It reveals that in families with parents working more than 50 hours per week children are 45% more likely to have unmet social needs. As a result, youngsters from such families tend to be involved in social problems more often in comparison with those whose parents come home earlier. From this it becomes evident why parents who are constantly overworked are considered to be a reason for teenagers’ social problems.

In addition to this, just as significant is the fact that schools do not instill high moral values in children anymore. A recent research conducted by the Ministry of Social Development is quite adamant: contemporary schools do not nurture upstanding members of our society, nor do they have appropriate tools for this. This worrying situation results in youngsters being more likely to join various informal social groups with a criminal mindset. Thus, it makes it clear that parents working longer hours are not the only culprit of the said social trend as schools have their share of responsibility as well.

In conclusion, it would be illusional to expect any sweeping changes to happen overnight. However, it is high time some measures were taken to improve supervision over the younger generation from both parents and schools. Otherwise, we are in danger of seeing the number of social problems involving children dramatically increase.

[Motya]

Yusik,
Про Ваш английский не могу сказать, т.к. свой еще не на том уровне, чтоб советы давать.
А вот по поводу написания эссе, то Вам надо серьезно разобраться со структурой. Если очень поверхностно, то Вас спросили: To what extent do you believe this is true?. То ответить нужно: Я согласен или не согласен и т.д.
Во втором абзаце Вы как-будто рассуждаете на тему, но Вас не просили discuss.
В третьем - пытаетесь обозначить проблемы и решения, это надо делать когда спрашивают problems and solutions.
Заключение вообще далеко ушло от поставленного вопроса.

Если я не права, пусть меня поправят т.к. я сама еще в процессе.

[Tanya_Happy]

Tanya_Happy
Не сказать, что письмо очень плохо написано. Думаю на 6-6.5
Вкратце, на что надо обратить внимание:
1) Каждый буллит должен быть расписан в отдельном абзаце. Соответственно должно получиться Приветствие, Абзац (цель письма), Абзац буллит 1, Абзац буллит 2, Абзац буллит 3, Доп инфо (типа look forward), Подпись
2) Поменьше простых предложений. Один из критерией оценки - % сложных предложений. Предложение сложное уже тогда, когда есть 2 сказумых стыкующихся с разными подлежащими. То есть, например, "To be honest, I adore tours" - уже сложное
3) Не используйте очень длинные предложения - см последний абзац
4) Неправильное использование слов (Current не равно Currently), множественное/единственное время (to understand touristS and their needS), грамматика (be able TO use), времена ("take training" - если не в прошлом, то не стыкуется с "I am studying")

Большое Вам спасибо!!! ( к сожалению не могу написать вам ЛС что-бы поблагодарить, так-как не имею 10 постов). Я обязательно все учту в дальнейшем. Спасибо!!!!

[Yusik]

zerotol2005, никаких обид, спасибо большое за детальный разбор.

[Yusik]

Motya, да, я сама под конец написания начала смутно догадываться, что меня не туда занесло и никто не просил отвечать на вопрос "кто виноват и что делать"

[zerotol2005]

kā jūms klājas,
Мне показалось написано слишком сложно для восприятия (может быть искусственно сложно). Например, в Introduction: "it to be true" и в этом же предложении "that is to be blamed".
Возможно, для Academic это приветствуется, но не в General (не знаю какой экзамен у Вас). На многих форумах такой стиль часто встречается у индусов, но 7-ки они не получают за это.
1) Introduction - здесь требуется только paraphrasing + общий ответ на вопрос (Ваше мнение). "it is also school that is to be blamed" - это должно быть в body paragraph
2) Страдает Coherence.
Стандартная структура body paragraph: Topic sentence, Explain topic sentence (Supporting detailed ideas), Example, Result (опционально)
У Вас:
Body paragraph 1 - Topic sentence очень распространенный и по сути повторяет мысль из задания. То есть нет Вашей идеи. Потом идет акцент на example, но нет Explain topic sentence. Так и непонятно, почему возникают эти проблемы, если родители работают дольше
Body paragraph 2 - та же проблема + в конце вы мешаете его с идеей из первого.
3) Где то возникает ощущение, что фразы используются, чтобы налить воды, что не приветствуется в IELTS (в этом огромное отличие от сочинений на русском). Например, "In addition to this, just as significant is the fact"
Первая часть - нет вопросов, это Cohesion. Вторая часть явно лишняя
4) Заключение - больше походит на новую мысль, что не приветствуется. Под заключение больше бы подошло последнее предложение из Body paragraph 2.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Для интереса написал своё эссе на эту же тему. Прошу покритиковать.
....

Простите, но вы вышли из уровня 'прошу покритиковать'. K моему большому сожалению, 8-ники сюда больше не заходят.

If you're interested, I'd probably have time to look into your essay over the weekend. Friday, if I get lucky. But I can tell you one thing straight away - your Intro is rather weak as you haven't really introduced the topic. Otherwise, a very impressive writing.

[Anna1984]

Прошу покритиковать мое эссе. Пойдет ли на 7 баллов? IELTS General

Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with.
What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys?

One part of modern parents has been used to purchasing a huge number of playthings to entertain their children as having many toys is considered to be a positive development by those individuals. However, there is an opinion that this fact may bring more harm than use to a child.

From an educational perspective, the majority of todays' toys have been created to educate children. As the evidence of this, there are a large number of games which may help to develop the thinking abilities of a child. Moreover, some of that games may be used even for the language studying as well as for various researches. Obviously, it may be totally beneficial to a teenager to have games of that sort, particularly, if they are used for the educational purposes.

From a social point of view, obtaining such a huge number of toys can decrease the development of children's social skills. An evident argument of this is the fact that a child may waste time playing games instead of communicating with friends. Furthermore, family relationships suffer as less time is spent together solving home problems. Hence, evidently, as social ties are crucial to the future progress of a person more attention should be paid to develop them. Thus, having many toys may be negative to children as they need to become active members of the society.

In conclusion, both camps have their own pros and cons. Nevertheless, I would argue that the modern children should have more communication than toys as this may help them to be better-prepared to their future.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Пойдет ли на 7 баллов? IELTS General

.

Где-то через годик, после систематических и упорных занятий. Maybe a bit sooner if you've got a knack for learning languages.

[Yusik]

Попытка №2. Опять вышло многословно. Не умею вовремя остановиться

One of the most pressing problems facing the world today is overpopulation. What policies do you believe governments should adopt to address the causes and effects of this problem?


One of the most keen problems that mankind is facing in present time is dramatically increasing number of population. I think that governments of all the world’s countries must take measures to prevent social catastrophes such as famine, epidemics and armed confrontations caused by overpopulation.

First of all, we need to explore what causes this phenomenon.
As we can easily see, birthrate is highest in countries of the third world and in rural areas of more developed countries. I do believe that it caused by mentality of local people who inclined to maintain traditional lifestyle of their ancestors. Considering this, the way to change the situation is to change public opinion. Most important thing for government to do is to care about children and protect their rights. When basic rights of children are granted and the parents have the obligations to them, such as giving them school educations, parents no longer can consider their children as free labor force, as it often happens in poorest countries. Another effective measure is making different means of contraception available for all population and informing people about proper use of it.

However, dealing with the needs of already born people is the other important challenge for governments. With no doubts, most important issue is to provide people with food and water. I think, that governments should maintain agricultural business because this is what well-being of all country depends on. Also, governments should invest more money in natural science in order to develop new technologies of food production and water cleaning.
What is no less important is to give opportunity for people from different social classes to improve their lives by studying and working. To fulfill this, governments should establish free schools, pay for education of talented children from poor families and maintain small businesses.

Problem of overpopulation is tending to be the main threaten to peace and well-being in whole world, so I think all countries should cooperate to face it. Only by joining and working hard this problem can be overcome.

[Yusik]

Где-то через годик, после систематических и упорных занятий. Maybe a bit sooner if you've got a knack for learning languages.

Если не сложно, объясните, в чем именно недостатки этого эссе?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Если не сложно, объясните, в чем именно недостатки этого эссе?

Во всем, от уровня английского до умения (в данном случае, неумения) писать эссе и отвечать на вопрос.

[Anna1984]

Где-то через годик, после систематических и упорных занятий. Maybe a bit sooner if you've got a knack for learning languages.

Если не сложно, ответьте пожалуйста, во сколько баллов Вы оцениваете это эссе и почему я не ответила на заданный вопрос.