My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[agronom]

Можно еще и Had the government covered - это немного выше по уровню.

я знаю-просто в том конкретном случае хотел написать с if
спасибо за наводку

[Rus_R]

Покритикуйте пожалуйста.

Modern lifestyles mean that many parents have little time for their children. Many children suffer because they do not get as much attention from their parents as children did in the past.
Do you agree or disagree?

Fast pace of contemporary life forced many parents to spend more time at work and, therefore, to pay less attention to their offspring. It is sometimes argued that this has little or no effect on children. In contrast, this essay will put forward the notion that descendants are seriously harmed by current situation. The analysis of changes in a child's behavior and communication preferences will support the above stated opinion.

One of the most substantial reasons why I believe that the lack of parental attention has negative influence on descendants is because of significant change in their behavior. What I mean by this is that children have become reserved and distanced from their parents or, alternatively, they behave in an inappropriate manner in order to attract the parental attention. Thus, it is clear that offspring suffer when their caregivers do to provide them with an adequate level of care.

Another important point in favour of the idea that minors feel stressful is that they are not eager to communicate with their predecessors. For instance, boys and girls prefer to stay in a room messaging with their friends in social networks or playing video games rather than spend time with parents. Hence, it has become quite evident that children feel offended and lonely if their mothers and fathers do not spent enough time with them.

In conclusion, I completely agree that younger generation suffers when it does not acquire a desirable level of attention from their ancestors. This is due to the fact that behavior of children has changed drastically, having become more closed and their interest in communication with parents has dropped. After analysing the subject, it seems that caregivers should revise their lifestyle and pay more attention to their little ones.

Писала долго. (

[illi4]

Имхо:

Покритикуйте пожалуйста.

Modern lifestyles mean that many parents have little time for their children. Many children suffer because they do not get as much attention from their parents as children did in the past.
Do you agree or disagree?

The fast pace of contemporary life has forced many parents to spend more time at work and therefore to pay less attention to their offsprings. It is sometimes argued that this has [can have, has had] little or no effect on children. In contrast, this essay will put forward the notion that (?) descendants are seriously harmed by (?) current situation. The analysis of changes in a child's behavior and (?) communication preferences will support the above-stated opinion.

One of the most substantial reasons why I believe that the lack of parental attention has [can have, has had] negative influence on descendants [чьих?] is because of significant change in their [whose?] behavior [непонятный тезис]. What I mean by this [] is that children have become reserved and distant from their parents or, alternatively, they behave in an (?) inappropriate manner in order to attract the attention of their parents. Thus, it is clear that offsprings suffer when their caregivers [воспитатели?] do to provide them with an adequate level of care [не понял предложение].

Another important point in favour of the idea that minors feel stressful is that they are not eager to communicate with their predecessors []. For instance, boys and girls prefer to stay in a room messaging with their friends in social networks or playing video games rather than spend time with parents []. Hence, it has become quite evident that children feel offended and lonely if their mothers and fathers do not spent enough time with them [].

In conclusion, I completely agree that the younger generation suffers when it [] does not acquire a desirable level of attention from their parents. This is due to the fact that behavior of children has changed drastically, having become more closed and their interest in communication with parents has dropped [порядок слов... непонятно]. After analysing the subject, it seems that caregivers should revise their lifestyle and pay more attention to their (?) little ones.

Писала долго. (

[Rus_R]

illi4, спасибо за Ваше внимание и за Ваши шаблоны, думаю Вы заметили, что я их использовала
Теперь попробую пройтись по замечаниям.
and therefore to - видимо правильно было бы ", and therefore to"?
offsprings - прочитала, что offspring во множественном и ед числе пишется одинаково. merriam-webster пишет, что можно и так и так, а oxforddictionaries пишет, что одинаково. Я предполагаю, что отличия для Am и Br.
[can have, has had] - а почему нельзя просто has? Иногда утверждается, что это не имеет никакого влияния на детей, т.е как-то в общем.
(?) current situation - the current situation ?
(?) communication preferences - здесь тоже артикль нужен?
above-stated - не понимаю почему красное
[can have, has had] - тоже не понимаю почему нельяз просто has
[чьих?] - не поняла коммент фраза была типа "Главная причина почему я верю, что недостаток родительского внимания имеет негативное влияние на отпрысков это значительное изменение в их (детей) поведении." Согласна, что предложение получилось длинным и не очень удачным
in an (?) inappropriate - неправильный артикль или вообще не нужен?
the attention of their parents - так лучше звучит или parental attention это неправильно?
caregivers [воспитатели?] - было дано как один из синимов родителей, типа попечители
[не понял предложение] - Идея была написать следующее: "Ясно, что дети страдают когда родители не дают им должного уровня заботы."
[] - не знаю, что именно confused
when it [confused] - it подразумевалось younger generation, надо было другое местоимение использовать? they?
(?) little ones - артикль?

[NK999]

Можно еще и Had the government covered - это немного выше по уровню.

А где бы об этом почитать?

[Rus_R]

Learning English | BBC World Service
http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/le...rnitv342.shtml
Или в любом источнике по теме Инверсии

[illi4]

illi4, спасибо за Ваше внимание и за Ваши шаблоны, думаю Вы заметили, что я их использовала
Теперь попробую пройтись по замечаниям.

Там, где красное - это я уже исправил. Там, где знаки вопроса - либо непонятен смысл, либо неудачно выбраны слова \ фразы.
По поводу "почему нельзя просто has" - перечитайте грамматику, поймите, когда можно употреблять present simple.

[Rus_R]

Ясно, спасибо за комментарии.

[NK999]

Большое спасибо за проверку.
Попыталась скорректировать эссе, но до конца все равно не уверена, что все красиво.
Посмотрите пожалуйста еще раз, плиз.
Спасибо Maimiti_Isabella & Ryzhik за помощь!

Some people think that the news media have become much more influential in people's lives today and that this is a negative development. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

During past several decades the mass media have developed and expanded significantly. There is no question that it impacts on society's lifestyle. This influence on people can be different either positive or adverse. I partly agree with the statement about the negative effect of the news media on the public (maybe -communities- is better?). In this essay, I will examine both sides of the news media’s influence and try to explain my opinion.

On the one hand, the sources of information and news such as newspapers, magazines, radio, television and the Internet reach and affect favourably a large numbers of people. They not only provide new information about something that has happened recently but also perform an educational function for the generation. People may know about many events around the world and can find a lot of data and facts to improve their skills and knowledge. Moreover, society has a right to get any information which they need for their development and the Internet gives such an opportunity. Thus, today’s news media give the contemporaries the greater advantages over previous generations.

On the other hand, disadvantages of the mass media influence on the vast majority of people considerably. The media can be manipulated in all manners, for example through professional public relations and covert and overt government propaganda which may disseminate it as news. What are often deemed as credible news sources can often knowingly or unknowingly be pushing political agendas and control. For instance, the media of North Korea is among the most strictly controlled by the state in the world. It is convenient for the government to keep a tight rein on people. Mass media, which is often called “the forth power”, is a great instrument for governments to keep a tight rein on people.

In conclusion, it is possible to say that the news media can affect people lifestyle both positively and negatively. It depends on the goals which the mass media wanted to achieve.

[illi4]

Some people think that the news media have become much more influential in people's lives today and that this is a negative development. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

...

In conclusion, it is possible to say that the news media can affect people lifestyle both positively and negatively. It depends on the goals which the mass media wanted to achieve.

Вы на вопрос не ответили. Вопрос - в какой степени Вы согласны \ не согласны, что большее влияние новостей на жизнь людей - это негативный феномен. Вы в параграфах растекаетесь мыслью по древу и к заключении пишете а может нет, а может да, а может это всё слова

Плюс, грамматика (в частности, артикли).

[mysoul]

Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, мое новое творение. И...может кто подскажет, на какой балл примерно потянет такое эссе.

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening.
Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

There is currently a contentious issue relating to conducting surveillance under population with usage of sophisticated technological gargets. I strongly agree that this monitoring of people’s location and actions has positive impact on their lives because this helps to reduce level of crime and also assists drivers in tracking the current situation on the road.

The main reason why I believe that tracking technological devices contribute to the society is because they help to minimise crimes. Today, many overcrowded streets, banks, supermarkets and various other public places are equipped with security cameras. These devices record all people’s actions including offensive ones, like breaking into a house or stealing a car. No doubt, if person knows that his actions are recorded he will probably refuse of committing a crime. For example, our local retail store recently reported that the number of thefts had significantly reduced after they installed in their shop security cameras. This example clearly shows that modern appliances have a deterrent effect on individuals thinking of offence.

Another reason why I support the notion that mass surveillance is beneficial is due to the fact that cell phones help drivers to track traffic jams on the roads and often help to choose faster route. Mobile phones and tablets are equipped with the GPS-receivers that constantly transmit geographical coordinates, speed and direction of the device to a neighboring cell tower. The cell phone with both access to the Internet and certain mobile application (like yandex map) enables driver to monitor the situation on the road. To illustrate, recently my neighbor had been stuck in a traffic jam for 6 hours due to severe weather conditions and several traffic accidents on the motorway. Had he checked this route before going this road, he would have saved time as there had been a couple of other routes to drive fast and safe. Therefore, contemporary devices are useful and people may benefit from using them.

In conclusion, I completely agree that devices used for surveillance benefit society. This is because these technological devices reduce crime level and inform traffic participants about the situation on the roads.

[Rus_R]

Мне кажется, что 2 параграф как-то не совсем относится к теме, т.к. смарфоны с GPS приемником и приложение карта это не совсем приспособление для слежки и наблюдения. Вот если на телефон установить программу, которая передает местоположение -- это наблюдение и это как раз противоречивый вопрос. Или например Google Glass, правда их вроде свернули, которые позволяют снимать людей, отправлять снимки и т.д.

[illi4]

Давайте, раз Вы планируете получить 7, я не буду исправлять, а просто подчеркну косяки и прокомментирую. Про второй параграф Вам уже написали.

Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, мое новое творение. И...может кто подскажет, на какой балл примерно потянет такое эссе.

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening.
Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

There is currently a contentious issue [не нравится] relating to conducting surveillance under population with [артикль] usage of sophisticated technological gargets. I strongly agree that this monitoring of people’s location and actions has [артикль] positive impact on their lives because this helps to reduce [артикль] level of crime and also assists drivers in tracking the current situation on the road.

The main reason why I believe that tracking [вопрос эссе не только о tracking devices] technological devices contribute to the society is because they help to minimise crimes. Today, many overcrowded streets, banks, supermarkets and various other public places are equipped with security cameras. These devices record all people’s actions including offensive ones, like breaking into a house or stealing a car. No doubt, if [артикль] person knows that his [сексизм] actions are recorded he will probably refuse of committing a crime. For example, our local retail store recently reported that the number of thefts had significantly reduced after they installed in their shop security cameras. This example clearly shows that modern appliances have a deterrent effect on individuals thinking of offence.

[не смотрю т.к. оффтопик] Another reason why I support the notion that mass surveillance is beneficial is due to the fact that cell phones help drivers to track traffic jams on the roads and often help to choose faster route. Mobile phones and tablets are equipped with the GPS-receivers that constantly transmit geographical coordinates, speed and direction of the device to a neighboring cell tower. The cell phone with both access to the Internet and certain mobile application (like yandex map) enables driver to monitor the situation on the road. To illustrate, recently my neighbor had been stuck in a traffic jam for 6 hours due to severe weather conditions and several traffic accidents on the motorway. Had he checked this route before going this road, he would have saved time as there had been a couple of other routes to drive fast and safe. Therefore, contemporary devices are useful and people may benefit from using them.

In conclusion, I completely agree that devices used for surveillance benefit society. This is because these technological devices reduce crime level [how?] and inform traffic participants about the situation on the roads.

[NK999]

Вы на вопрос не ответили. Вопрос - в какой степени Вы согласны \ не согласны, что большее влияние новостей на жизнь людей - это негативный феномен. Вы в параграфах растекаетесь мыслью по древу и к заключении пишете а может нет, а может да, а может это всё слова

Плюс, грамматика (в частности, артикли).

Я в первой части написала: I partly agree with the statement about the negative effect of the news media on the public. Думала, что достаточно . Надо было конечно писать или о положительном или об отрицательном влиянии.
Очень Вас прошу, не могли бы Вы мне указать на мои ошибки. Не вижу я их(
Спасибо большое

[Ryzhik]

Я в первой части написала: I partly agree with the statement about the negative effect of the news media on the public. Думала, что достаточно . Надо было конечно писать или о положительном или об отрицательном влиянии.
Очень Вас прошу, не могли бы Вы мне указать на мои ошибки. Не вижу я их(
Спасибо большое

я думаю, что в эссе с "to what extend" question все же можно писать "partly agree" и потом обсуждать две стороны медали, как Вы сделали. Заключение слабовато, тут соглашусь с Illi4.

During past several decades the mass media have (HAS) developed and expanded significantly. There is no question that it impacts on society's lifestyle (“Society’s lifestyle” is incorrect collocation). This influence on people can be different either positive or adverse. I partly agree with the statement about the negative effect of the news media on the public (maybe -communities- is better?)(“Community” then, not plural). (What M-Isabella said to you regarding this sentence is – it is not connected to your previous statement. It is connected to the subject of the essay, so generally, when somebody is reading your essay, they should understand your point straight away without referring to the subject again in the middle of reading). In this essay, I will examine both sides of the news media’s influence and try to explain my opinion.

On the (NO THE) one hand, the sources of information and news such as newspapers, magazines, radio, television and the Internet reach and affect favourably a large numbers (NUMBER) of people. They not only provide new information about something that has happened recently but also perform an educational function for the generation. People may know (FIND OUT) about many events around the world and can find a lot of data and facts to improve their skills and knowledge. Moreover, society has a (THE) right to get any information which they(SOCIETY can’t be THEY) need for their development and the Internet gives such an opportunity. Thus, today’s news media give(S) the contemporaries the greater advantages over previous generations.

On the other hand, disadvantages of the mass media influence on the vast majority of people considerably.(the SENTENCE has no sense) The media can be manipulated in all manners, for example through professional public relations and covert and overt government propaganda which may disseminate it (which MIGHT be disseminatED as news) as news. What are (IS) often deemed as credible news sources can often knowingly or unknowingly be pushing political agendas and control. For instance, the media of North Korea is among the most strictly controlled by the state in the world. It is convenient for the government to keep a tight rein on people. Mass media which is often called “the forth power” is a great instrument for governments to keep a tight rein on people. (Two sentences with “keep tight rein”)

In conclusion, it is possible to say that the news media can affect people (‘S) lifestyle both positively and negatively. It depends on the goals which the mass media wanted to achieve.