My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Cloudberry]

illi4, спасибо за ваши комментарии. И не предполагала, что у меня все ТАК плохо. Прочитаю еще раз мануал, разберу подробно ошибки, и буду пробовать писать еще. Экзамен уже через 2 недели..

Mysoul, мне очень помогли книги Райана и Mike Wattie поднять сочинение до семи. Книги выложены у illi4 на Гугл диске, больше ему спасибо У вас еще есть 2 недели успеете их прочитать, там описаны структуры и template на разные виды сочинений.
Удачи!

Из книги Mike Wattie
"Question: to what extent do you agree or disagree?
The question also has two requirements. You must state whether you agree or disagree and also the extent, or how much, you agree or disagree. In order to score a six and above you need to clearly state your response to the question including the extent to which you agree or disagree. In order to make your opinion clear I believe it is best to give your opinion in both the introduction and conclusion of the essay. Do not forget to mention the extent! You can give the extent using words like totally or completely if you 100% agree or disagree; or somewhat or partly, if you don't fully agree or disagree. I strongly urge you to not 50-50 agree and disagree. This usually ends up being unconvincing and unclear..."

[mysoul]

Имхо:

illi4, добрый день! Я учла ваши замечания, изучила структуру, которую предлагает Майк для такого эссе и провела работу над ошибками (изменения зеленым выделены). Получилось, правда, гораздо больше слов. Я была бы вам очень признательна, если бы вы еще раз посмотрели мое эссе и подсказали, на сколько на этот раз я справилась с заданием

New technology and ways of buying and selling are transforming the lives of consumers. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Sophisticated technology is making dramatic changes in lives of people in many developed societies. Today, the Internet has become an integral part of lifestyle of contemporary generation. I strongly agree that recent technological advances have integrated in all the spheres of people’s lives and even altered traditional ways of shopping because they give online-users opportunity to purchase whatever they need by clicking their mouse on the screen and also makes users expand their knowledge about the goods and services available the world over prior to making a bargain.

The main reason that supports the changes in contemporary shopping method is that, nowadays, it is possible to buy almost everything without leaving a house. A mother of three children from a tiny town in Siberia, for example, can purchase trendy clothes for her kids from a German website and receive her order by mail. Thus, this woman does not need to go to a crowded store and spend time in queues; all she needs is access to the Internet.

In addition, online shoppers tend to acquire better knowledge about the goods they would like to purchase than sales consultants in shopping mall know about the goods they sell. For instance, my farther decided to buy a new television set a month ago. Prior to making the purchase, he had studied all the peculiarities of set production as well as the differences between 3D, LED and LCD displays in order to understand what he needs. This example сonfirms that contemporary customers usually aim to learn additional information about the online products to make the order.

In conclusion, I completely agree that recent technological development has significantly changed habitual methods of shopping. In particular, purchases can now be made at home via the Internet, as well as customers try to get substantial understanding of product’s values and disadvantages prior to make an order. Given this situation, it seems that the technology will continue to further influence on consumerism all over the world.
(329 words)
Спасибо заранее!

[mysoul]

Mysoul, мне очень помогли книги Райана и Mike Wattie поднять сочинение до семи. Книги выложены у illi4 на Гугл диске, больше ему спасибо У вас еще есть 2 недели успеете их прочитать, там описаны структуры и template на разные виды сочинений.
Удачи!

Из книги Mike Wattie
"Question: to what extent do you agree or disagree?
The question also has two requirements. You must state whether you agree or disagree and also the extent, or how much, you agree or disagree. In order to score a six and above you need to clearly state your response to the question including the extent to which you agree or disagree. In order to make your opinion clear I believe it is best to give your opinion in both the introduction and conclusion of the essay. Do not forget to mention the extent! You can give the extent using words like totally or completely if you 100% agree or disagree; or somewhat or partly, if you don't fully agree or disagree. I strongly urge you to not 50-50 agree and disagree. This usually ends up being unconvincing and unclear..."

Спасибо! Книгу Майка я сейчас подробно изучаю. С книгой Райана я уже ознакомилась, но до этого я пересмотрела практически все его видео, поэтому нового из книги ничего не вынесла. Единственное, на сколько я запомнила, Райан нигде не упоминает на сколько важно показать extent. Это удивило.

[illi4]

illi4, добрый день! Я учла ваши замечания, изучила структуру, которую предлагает Майк для такого эссе и провела работу над ошибками (изменения зеленым выделены). Получилось, правда, гораздо больше слов. Я была бы вам очень признательна, если бы вы еще раз посмотрели мое эссе и подсказали, на сколько на этот раз я справилась с заданием

Нет предела совершенству, но эта версия гораздо лучше

[agronom]

illi4, добрый день! Я учла ваши замечания, изучила структуру, которую предлагает Майк для такого эссе и провела работу над ошибками (изменения зеленым выделены). Получилось, правда, гораздо больше слов. Я была бы вам очень признательна, если бы вы еще раз посмотрели мое эссе и подсказали, на сколько на этот раз я справилась с заданием

New technology and ways of buying and selling are transforming the lives of consumers. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Sophisticated technology is making dramatic changes in lives of people in many developed societies. Today, the Internet has become an integral part of lifestyle of contemporary generation. I strongly agree that recent technological advances have integrated in all the spheres of people’s lives and even altered traditional ways of shopping because they give online-users opportunity to purchase whatever they need by clicking their mouse on the screen and also makes users expand their knowledge about the goods and services available the world over prior to making a bargain.

The main reason that supports the changes in contemporary shopping method is that, nowadays, it is possible to buy almost everything without leaving a house. A mother of three children from a tiny town in Siberia, for example, can purchase trendy clothes for her kids from a German website and receive her order by mail. Thus, this woman does not need to go to a crowded store and spend time in queues; all she needs is access to the Internet.

In addition, online shoppers tend to acquire better knowledge about the goods they would like to purchase than sales consultants in shopping mall know about the goods they sell. For instance, my farther decided to buy a new television set a month ago. Prior to making the purchase, he had studied all the peculiarities of set production as well as the differences between 3D, LED and LCD displays in order to understand what he needs. This example сonfirms that contemporary customers usually aim to learn additional information about the online products to make the order.

In conclusion, I completely agree that recent technological development has significantly changed habitual methods of shopping. In particular, purchases can now be made at home via the Internet, as well as customers try to get substantial understanding of product’s values and disadvantages prior to make an order. Given this situation, it seems that the technology will continue to further influence on consumerism all over the world.
(329 words)
Спасибо заранее!

contemporary-modern-popular today-goods with modern upgrades ......

[mysoul]

contemporary-modern-popular today-goods with modern upgrades ......

Спасибо! учту! действительно, переборщила я с contemporary

[mysoul]

Нет предела совершенству, но эта версия гораздо лучше

Спасибо!

[mysoul]

Добрый день! Гуру-эссе, посмотрите, пожалуйста, мое новое творение со всей строгостью. Написано было на экзаменационном бланке за 45 минут. Лишние 5 минут провозилась с заключением (с последним предложением ).

All education and healthcare should be funded by the government and free for everyone.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Some people believe that learning in educational institutions and assistance in hospitals should be available for all the citizens free of charge and the expenses should be fully covered by state budget. I somewhat agree with this point of view because level of education and medical care are essential for people’s wellbeing and, no doubt, may be extremely expensive and therefore unaffordable for not wealthy people. However, the coverage of all these expenses by the state may cause additional financial burden on the people.

The main reason to support the opinion that educational and medical institutions should be fully supported by the state is that many people are unable to pay for their services. This limits their opportunity to obtain a desired degree or vitally important medical assistance. For example, I have a friend from Egypt who dreams of becoming a surgeon. Unfortunately, he will have to work for next two years at the supermarket to collect money for getting the desired degree. Recently, I also read an article about the woman who died of heart failure while trying to sell all her immovable property to get money for implantation of artificial heart. Have the governments covered all the costs on learning and medical care, these people would not have these problems.

On the other hand, such policy will require additional financial burden on the people. Generally, the main source of income for the state budget is tax. Thus, in order to collect necessary amount of money to support educational and medical institutions the governments will need to increase taxes.

In conclusion, I agree to some extent that the authorities should fully cover the costs on learning and medical assistance for all citizens even though this may cause higher taxable liabilities for nationals. Given this situation, it seems that the government should consider of making education and medical aid free for the nation and the people need to be ready to pay more taxes.
(words 324)
Спасибо заранее!

[agronom]

Добрый день! Гуру-эссе, посмотрите, пожалуйста, мое новое творение со всей строгостью. Написано было на экзаменационном бланке за 45 минут. Лишние 5 минут провозилась с заключением (с последним предложением ).

All education and healthcare should be funded by the government and free for everyone.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Some people believe that learning in educational institutions and assistance in hospitals should be available for all the citizens free of charge and the expenses should be fully covered by state(почему именно стейт) budget. I somewhat agree with this point of view because( the) level of education and medical care are essential for people’s wellbeing and, no doubt, may be extremely expensive and therefore unaffordable for not wealthy people. However, the coverage of all these expenses by the state may cause additional financial burden on the people.

The main reason to support the opinion that educational and medical institutions should be fully supported by the state is that many people are unable to(afford) (pay for) their services. This limits their opportunity to obtain a desired degree or vitally important(vital) medical assistance. For example, I have a friend from Egypt who dreams of becoming a surgeon. Unfortunately, he will have to work for(the) next two years at the(a) supermarket to collect money for getting the desired degree(имхо-эта мысль и пример немного не в тему. мало ли кто о чем мечтает. я хочу выучится на врача,космонавта.... сразу. а првительство должно оплачивать мои прихоти? другое дело если у человека врожденные способности к медицине... и он не имеет денег на обучение). Recently, I also read an article about the woman who died of heart failure while trying to sell all her immovable property to get money for implantation of artificial heart. Have the governments covered all the costs on learning and medical care, these people would not have these problems.

On the other hand, such policy(what do you mean?) will require additional financial burden on the people. Generally, the main source of income for the state budget is tax(are taxes). Thus, in order to(по поручению) collect necessary amount of money to support educational and medical institutions the governments will need(have) to increase taxes. и что?

In conclusion, I agree to some extent that the authorities should fully cover the costs on learning and medical assistance for all citizens even though this may cause higher taxable liabilities for nationals. Given this situation, it seems that the government should consider of making education and medical aid free for the nation and the people need to be ready to pay more taxes.
(words 324)
Спасибо заранее!

конклюжн непонятный. в интро вы партли эгри. в конклюжене тоже вначале написали что партли агри но потом пишете что долны оплачивать несмотря на все проблемы. нестыковка

имхо-предыдущее было более сбалонсированно и лучше написано

[mysoul]

конклюжн непонятный. в интро вы партли эгри. в конклюжене тоже вначале написали что партли агри но потом пишете что долны оплачивать несмотря на все проблемы. нестыковка

имхо-предыдущее было более сбалонсированно и лучше написано

agronom, спасибо за ваши замечания.
Словом State я пыталась заменить слово government, под state budget имела ввиду Государственный бюджет.
Про Египтянина я и думала про врожденные способности, но не отразила это косяк
А что не так с этим предложением: Have the governments covered all the costs on learning and medical care, these people would not have these problems. Считаю, что конструкция правильная (времена согласованы)
in order to = для того, чтобы собрать денег...
Что касается заключения: а если не удается придумать Recomendation, сильно ли его отсутствие занижает балл?

[agronom]

agronom, спасибо за ваши замечания.
Словом State я пыталась заменить слово government, под state budget имела ввиду Государственный бюджет.
Про Египтянина я и думала про врожденные способности, но не отразила это косяк
А что не так с этим предложением: Have the governments covered all the costs on learning and medical care, these people would not have these problems. Считаю, что конструкция правильная (времена согласованы)
in order to = для того, чтобы собрать денег...
Что касается заключения: а если не удается придумать Recomendation, сильно ли его отсутствие занижает балл?

government- authorities- local budgets ...governmental payments
мне резануло глаз знаю конструкцию having done something....
но в данном случае кондишн 3 нужен
If had the governments covered......, these people would not have had such problems
to rise money (without in order to)
для того чтоб избежать в данном случае рекомендаций-вам нужно было просто быть полностью агри а во втором параграфе просто написать что некоторые как недостаток такой системы указывают повышение налогов. и бла-бла-бла

[Maimiti_Isabella]

government- authorities- local budgets ...governmental payments
мне резануло глаз знаю конструкцию having done something....
но в данном случае кондишн 3 нужен
If had the governments covered......, these people would not have had such problems
to rise money (without in order to)
для того чтоб избежать в данном случае рекомендаций-вам нужно было просто быть полностью агри а во втором параграфе просто написать что некоторые как недостаток такой системы указывают повышение налогов. и бла-бла-бла

Сорри, но у вас 2 typos здесь:
If had the governments covered --> had the governments covered

to rise money (without in order to) --> to raise money

Please note:
Эссе не читала, комментирую только конкретное сообщение от agronom

[mysoul]

agronom, спасибо за помощь. буду еще тренироваться.

[agronom]

Сорри, но у вас 2 typos здесь:
If had the governments covered --> had the governments covered

to rise money (without in order to) --> to raise money

Please note:
Эссе не читала, комментирую только конкретное сообщение от agronom

мой спелинг
ну и конечно if the government had covered.........-спешка. писал между пробежками по работе

[Maimiti_Isabella]

мой спелинг
ну и конечно if the government had covered.........-спешка. писал между пробежками по работе

Можно еще и Had the government covered - это немного выше по уровню.