My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[belochkka]

У меня экзамен "на носу" вот и спрашиваю

Желаю удачи!!!! И все равно, думайте не об оценке и не о том, что от нее зависит, а о том, что от вас конкретно хотят.

Dear Maria,
I am writing to you to thank you and to tell you about my feelings and my thoughts.

Dear Maria,
Thank you for your wonderful present! (потому что от вас неформального письма хотели, подруге, а не возможному работодателю, которому надо оправдываться ,что вы письмо пишите). I'd like to tell you about (лучше вместо этого share) my thoughts and feelings with you! (вообще не очень понимаю смысл этого предложения, т.е. зачем оно, даже по-русски!).

I did not wait to receive a present from you so I was really surprised when a postman brought me a box with sender's address: Canada, Ontario, Toronto.

Я не ждал получить от вас подарок?
I wasn't expecting to receive a present from you, so I was really surprised when the postman brought me (delivered лучше) a box sent from Canada.

It is so nice to obtain it on my Birthday so thank you very much!

Obtain - приобрести. Так приятно приобрести подарок на мой ДР! (по-русски тоже вроде не звучит)
It was so nice to have it delivered on my birthday (зачем день рождения с большой буквы?). Thank you so very much! (второй раз благодарите, учитывая общее низкое количество слов, такое ощущение, что вам нечего больше сказать и вы ради этого повторяетесь чтобы уж как-то в магическую цифру 150 уложиться)

I have dreamt for a long time about the same watch and when I opened your present I was very enjoyed.

(я был очень удовлетворен? удовлетворяющий? в удовлетворяющем кого-то состоянии?)

I had long dreamt of such a watch.
I had long dreamt of a watch like the one you sent me. (лучше)
When I opened your present, I was overjoyed!

This watch will be very useful for me because it will do for my suit so I could wear it at my job or in some events such as a wedding or a business meeting.

Эти часы будут очень полезны для меня так как они сойдут для моего костюма чтобы я мог носить их на работе или на каких-нибудь мероприятиях например свадьба или деловая встреча...
И ни единой запятой.Хотя это и не главное

This watch will probably become one of my favorites, since it matches my suit very well. I think I'll be able to wear it to work, including business meetings, or to different social functions, such as weddings.

I am very grateful to you for this wonderful present and I also would be very glad if you personally visit me on my Birthday!

И снова (дубль 3) спасибо!
Thanks once again for sending such a wonderful present. I hope you can visit me when my next birthday comes along!
Best wishes,
Michael

[micle]

Всем спасибо за разьяснения.
На ближайшие 36 часов забуду про айлтс - дождался.. уже 2 минуты как у меня ДР начался

[Maimiti_Isabella]

ну так, а нормальный английски вариант - как звучать должен-то?

Пройдите 3-4 страницы назад, я уже комментировала подобное письмо и даже написала свой вариант вступления.

[Alexander Usov]

Please, check this letter.
Being on a visit in foreign country, you have lost your passport. Write a letter to a Russian embassy officer asking what to do. Give details about circumstances of your loss and ask your further actions.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to ask for your advice in connection with following circumstances. Unhappily, I have lost my passport.

To begin with, I traveled by the train №205 from Paris to London on the 15th of November 2009. I left the train and went at the hotel “Marriott” where I found out that I did not have the passport. I suppose that I left it under the mattress in the compartment. After this I reported to the local police station about this fact.

I would be grateful if you could help me with this matter. Could you inform me of documents I should submit in order to proof my citizenship. I have attached the statement from the local police that the loss was reported. Thank you for attention to this matter. Please contact me be the address above or by phone number 8(111)222-333. I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible.

Your faithfully,
John Brown

[Alexander Usov]

My new essay. Please check it.

Every country should have a free health service, even if this mean that the latest medical treatments may be not available through the service because they are too expensive. Do you agree or disagree.

I think that the question whether a society should has a free of charge health care or paid system is very topical and open for debate. Some people believe that medical care have to be absolutely free. However other suppose that this way leads to the situation when quality of health care will be low. In this essay I will analyze these points of view and present my opinion in favor of people who are inclined to think that both free and paid systems are essential for society.

On the one hand, if a public has free medical care every person will have benefit. First of all, I would like to say about poor and unemployed people who cannot afford expensive medical care. For these causes, there is a compulsory medical insurance in Russia and all people in our country have an opportunity to seek medical advice from a General Practitioner at the nearest hospital for free at any time. So it is clear, why many gravitate toward to this point of view.

On the other hand, some people tend to assume that quality of medical service at state hospitals is rater poor. These days, well-paid employees in Russian and international companies can have a voluntary health care insurance and in a such way they can choose both private or state physicians. As a result they get high-quality medical service. After analyzing this fact it is clear why people support this opinion.

Taking into account everything mentioned above, I suppose that the combination of private and state health care will be the most beneficial for a society. There is no doubt that, if a government pay enough attention to the poor, disabled and unemployment people a society will be harmonious and prosperous.

[Shtuchka]

You see an advertisement in the local news paper that a restaurant wants someone to be a part-time waiter or waitress in the evening. Write a letter to the manager. In your letter, you should write why you are writing, why you are suitable for the job and why you need the job.

Dear Sir/Madam

My name is Jane Smith and I am writing to you in connection with the advertisement in newspaper “Moscow Star”. In order with vacancy of waitress in your article, I want to offer my candidature.

I study in the university and I visit my lessons twice a week, consequently in the other time I free. Therefore I made a decision to find a job and your vacancy is very suitable for me. In addition< I have an experience in restaurant’s business, than I had worked an administrator in caf&#233; “Paris” an year ago. Furthermore, I am a development person and I know how to support conversation with clients.

I really need this job, because I want to provide myself. Besides, I hope this activity will satisfy me and my service will useful for your organization.
Thank you for your time. I am looking forward to your decision.

Yours Faithfully.
Jane Smith.

[natalya_ielts]

Сообщение от natalya_ielts
посмотрите, пожалуйста, еще одно эссе.

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.

Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.


After finishing school young boys and girls should choose their further way. The most significant choice is to determine what profession you want to be devoted yourself. Therefore, you need to understand your interests very good. Parents and teachers could help do it when children had been studied at school yet. But if person doesn’t decide what the area he wants to improve himself, he can spent one year to work or travel.

There are some advantages when people work or travel. Firstly, they can get some practical experience and decide whether such job is suitable for them or not. Secondly, traveling around the world people can see new sights and countries and possibly decide to continue their education in foreign country. Thirdly, they will not regret about made choice in the future because they would have some opportunities for making better decision.

However, there are also some disadvantages. If people begin educate later, they will graduate from the university later. So, they will start to work later than persons of their same age. But there is always room for improvement and it is better when people improve themselves for life. Studying has never been late. On the other hand, it needs money to travel and so young people have to earn it. As they are not high-qualified, the wage is not high also.

Thus, there are some advantages and disadvantages for young girls and boys when they decide to spent a year to work or travel after finishing high school.

Hi Natalya,
Sorry I cant comment here in Russian as my Russian is very pooooooooor
So I decided to write my suggestions in English. Hope you don't mind. But if you have questions to me regarding your essay, you can write in Russian as I understand and it will help to improve my Russian. So let`s move to the main topic. Actually I saw your essay the other day but I had hoped somebody else would check it. Your English is pretty good and it is difficult to find any grammar mistakes. But I wanted to suggest you rewrite your essay. Because your answer is a bit far from the main point. For instance, if I read your essay without seeing the question I would give a title to your essay like “ How to choose a profession” or “travel before working” and so on. Here you have two main questions. One is “Do you know that young pupil travel abroad right after graduating high school?” Second is “ is it good or bad? and why it is bad or good?”
So, please try to reformulate your essay and see the difference. You may leave some of your sentences. I`ll be back here to comment your revised essay. I am sure you`ll write more interesting. Good luck!

I thought about how i could rewrite my essay according to your remarks. But i haven't any ideas. The topic of essay sounds as "...young people are encouraged to work or travel after finishing high school..." and so i must to write about this encouraging. But i don't know what a method of encouraging work after school is meant.

May be it is some governmental programs such as grants for traveling or public works? To my mind work or traveling after school is encouraged if person haven't decided what kind of activity he or she wants to dedicate themself. And it is solution of this person only. And there are some advantages and disadvantages of doing this which i have explained in my essay.

Please, say what do you mean? And what does structure of the essay must be (in your point of view)? And i'll try to review my essay.

Thank you for your attention!

[belochkka]

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.

Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

The topic of essay sounds as "...young people are encouraged to work or travel after finishing high school..." and so i must to write about this encouraging. But i don't know what a method of encouraging work after school is meant.

Наталья, вы действительно не поняли топик. Если его перевести, то получается.

"Во многих странах поощряется, чтобы молодые люди после окончания школы не сразу поступали в университет, а год путешествовали или работали. Обсудите преимущества, которые это ребятам дает, и возможные преграды, которые у них в результате этого возникнут."
(достаточно литературный перевод, чтобы понятно было. Вообще написано
"Обсудите все за и против для ребят"

Я не уверена, что вам все по сути нужно менять. По поводу грамматических ошибок не соглашусь, они все же есть. Ближе к вечеру могу посмотреть, если хотите.

[kyp]

Моё писанино кто-то проверьте плиз.


In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.


It is well known fact that young people trying to be independent. Some of them decide to get a job or make a trip before gain a university degree. There are some drawbacks and benefits.


On the one hand, it can be difficult for a young person to clarify what kind of job they want to obtain in future. It is an opportunity to try different jobs and makes oneself sure in making a choice for the future. Gaining the experience of different occupations and traveling they obtain a valuable knowledge about self-organizing and how to maintain the money. There is no doubt that working and traveling, before enter the university could develop some useful skills and they are also have time to mull-over the jobs they did.

On the other hand, people without an experience and an appropriate knowledge can only get unqualified jobs which could face youth with such difficulties as inappropriate physical conditions or even danger for their health. They are also could dip into the hard physical work and forget about preparation for the entrance exams. Traveling for young people could also lead to fraud or violent crime on them because young people don’t worry about safety properly.

There is no doubt that young people who want to work or travel after finishing the school and start obtaining higher education may gain good experience or some dissatisfaction of their choice. Hence making a decision, each person should take into account both advantages and disadvantages of them.

[natalya_ielts]

Наталья, вы действительно не поняли топик. Если его перевести, то получается.

"Во многих странах поощряется, чтобы молодые люди после окончания школы не сразу поступали в университет, а год путешествовали или работали. Обсудите преимущества, которые это ребятам дает, и возможные преграды, которые у них в результате этого возникнут."
(достаточно литературный перевод, чтобы понятно было. Вообще написано
"Обсудите все за и против для ребят"

Я не уверена, что вам все по сути нужно менять. По поводу грамматических ошибок не соглашусь, они все же есть. Ближе к вечеру могу посмотреть, если хотите.

Я поняла перевод топика, что поощряется, когда они не сразу поступают учиться. Вопрос кем и каким образом поощряются? Я исходила из своего опыта, и писала эссе исходя из своего опыта. Меня никто не поощрял работать и тем более путешествовать после школы . Возможно есть страны, где другая практика, но я о ней не знаю... к сожалению...

Поэтмоу, если я что-то не так поняла, буду рада услышать Вашу точку зрения. А также буду благодарна за корректировку грамматических ошибок.

[kyp]

Проверьте письмо плиз.
You rent a house through an agency. The heating system has stopped working. You phoned the agency a week ago but it has still not been repaired.

Write a letter to the agency. In your letter

1. introduce yourself
2. explain the situation
3. say what action you would like the agency to take

Write at least 150 words.

You do NOT need to write any addresses.

Begin your letter as follows:

Dear.......................,


Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Yuriy and I worked with your agency in purpose of renting an accommodation for me and my family two weeks ago.

One week ago my heating system stopped to heat. I requested the agency about repairing of the heater at the beginning of past week. It is still doesn’t work. I heard from weather forecast and it says that next week will be much colder than now and I just worry about children's health that can be injured by chilled air.

I shall be grateful if you resolve this issue as soon as possible with service that is in response for the air conditioning system. If my heater won’t work in a few days I shall write an official complaint to your management directly and ask them to refund me.
Sincerely yours,
Yuriy

[kyp]

Ещё одно плиз проверьте. Наверно много ошибок потому что написано почти сходу.

Some businesses now say that no one can smoke cigarettes in any of their offices. Some governments have banned smoking in all public places. This is a good idea but it takes away some of our freedom.

Do you agree or disagree?

Write at least 250 words.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


Modern world’s community wants to see healthy nations. That’s why many entrepreneurs and companies make a restriction on smoking in their offices and working places. Perhaps it seems as kind of personal limitation. My opinion on that will be given in this essay.

There is no doubt that smoking is a kind of habit which not only injure health of smoker but involves people who around of one. Smoking causes many disease but the most dangerous of them cancer for sure. People who don’t smoke but breathe the air polluted by firing cigarette are in the group of the risk. Most of the people spent third of their life at work. That’s why it is important to restrict smoking in public places and it is extremely significant to have a clear air at work.

If you are smoker it could seemed to you that part of your freedom has been limited but you still free to smoke outside or at your home. Probably this restriction will make you to mull-over you attitude on this habit. And who knows one day you becomes a healthy person.

Thus, I have strongly believed that limitation of smoking in public places and at offices though can help us to build a world that will be healthier than before. Rely on my own experience I can say that there are too many people who smoke and this circumstance reduces our chances to take a breath of fresh air.

[micle]

покритикуйте эссэ, пожалуйста:

Topic:
Universities should accept equal number of male and female students in every subject. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Essay:
On one hand, in universities should study equal number of male and female students in every subjects, but there some occupations which are studied by only men and there some professions which are learnt by majority of females on the other.
Firstly, I profess that universities should accept approximately 50% of male and 50% of female students in every subject, because of equality sex rights. For evidence, I have read in a newspaper about meetings in the U. S. which were spent as a protest against the solution of the Utah university chancellor which had decided that several their subjects can be learn by men mainly.
Secondly, I consider that there should be equal number of males and females in universities because of communication. I think that teenagers should associate with equal number of males and females because of developing their social functions. To prove, I have seen a TV-program in which some professors spoke about the development of teenagers, so if they communicate only with people the same sex, they will have some problems in communication in future.
Thirdly, however I assert that there are some subjects which basically are studied by men, such as a pilot or a fireman and also there some occupations which are learnt by the majority of women, such as a secretary or an accountant. To authenticate, I have read on the Internet about ten top male and female professions.
To conclude, In my opinion it is normally that some subjects are liked by most men, and others are preferred by large number of women, but if we want that our children develop normally and could communicate with no problems then universities should have variety of subjects and should accept total equal number of males and females.

[Lavrentiy]

покритикуйте эссэ, пожалуйста:

.

покритикуйте эссэ, пожалуйста:

Topic:
Universities should accept equal number of male and female students in every subject. To what (1) extend do you agree or disagree?

Essay:
On (2) one hand, (3) in universities should study (12) equal number of male and female students in every subjects, but there (4) some occupations which are studied (5) by only men and there (6) some professions which are learnt by (7) majority of females on the other.
Firstly, I profess that universities should accept approximately 50% of male and 50% of female students in every subject, because of ( equality sex rights. For evidence, I have read in a newspaper about meetings in the U. S. which were spent as a protest against the (9) solution of the Utah university chancellor (10) which had decided that several their subjects can be (11) learn by men mainly.
Secondly, I consider that there should be (12) equal number of males and females in universities because of communication. I think that teenagers should associate with (12) equal number of males and females (13) because of developing their social functions. To prove (14), I have seen a TV-program in which some professors spoke about the development of teenagers, so if they communicate only with people (15) the same sex, they will have some problems in communication in future.
Thirdly, however I assert that there are some (1 subjects which basically are studied by men, such as (17) a pilot or (17) a fireman and also there (16) some occupations which are learnt by the majority of women, such as (17) a secretary or (17) an accountant. To authenticate (14), I have read on the Internet about ten top male and female professions.
To conclude, In my opinion it is (19) normally that some subjects are liked by most men, and others are preferred by (20) large number of women, but if we want that our children develop normally and (21) could communicate (22) with no problems then universities should have (20) variety of subjects and should accept (20) total equal number of males and females.

(1) extent
(2) the
(3) poriadok slov. podlezhaschee, skazuemoe I t.d.: equal number.. should study…in unis.
(4) are
(5) only by men ili by men only
(6) are
(7) the
( equal
(9) decision
(10) which had decided – ne nado
(11) learned ili learnt
(12) an
(13) in order to develop
(14) prove that / prove the point
(15) of
(16) are
(17) a – ne nado
(1 pilot and fireman are not subjects, they are occupations
(19) normal - prilagatel’noe k “it”
(20) a
(21) could – ne nado
(22) without

"мая твая не панимайт". такой у вас английский. но надежда есть. best wishes.

[micle]

...

On the one hand наверно правильно, но думаю вариант "On one hand" - тоже возможен;
_
A variety of subjects...
Разве можно ставить неопределённый артикль к неисчисляемому существительному?
_
В целом, большое спасибо за критику