My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Greg P]

Randwyck -

Написано неплохо, к тому, что написала Maimiti_Isabella могу лишь добавить несколько пожеланий.

1. Обратите внимание на артикли (ошибки на них делают все не-носители языка, но основные правила нужно соблюдать);
2. Если есть сомнения в использовании того или иного слова - старайтесь найти синоним. Например, cлово "artifact" используется в основном в историческом контексте (artifact is an object of historical value and interest, usually uncovered during archaeological excavations such a tools, weapons, etc.; or an irregularity in collected data). У вас это слово использовуется в другом контексте, что не вполне верно.

[ASliceofLuck]

Maimiti_Isabella, randwyck , shared your doubts until recently as to whether this is a proper use of 'so'

It is inevitable that as technology develops so traditional cultures must be lost

Have a look at this thread

[randwyck]

Greg P, спасибо. Про артикли помню всегда, это всё ещё моё слабое место. Обычно 1-2 ошибки на текст получаются.

ASliceofLuck, спасибо, очень интересная ветка.

[Ge0or]

Добрый день!
Не могли бы вы прокомментировать мое эссе, пишу 1 раз - только начал готовиться к IELTS, тему взял с writefix.com наобум

Should the same laws which prohibit the sale and consumption of heroin be applied to tobacco?
Tobacco industry is a global structure that has the influence on every community all around the world. Every day people consump billions of cigarretes causing harm to themselves and to the people around them. In my opinion the interdiction to sell and consump tobacco like it was done with heroin will lead to more healthy society.

Children start smoking when they see their parents doing this. All my relatives are smokers, for example my parents have been smoking for around 25 years. In my childhood when I saw them smoking I was imagining that after some years I will start doing the same and as I know more than a half of my friends when they saw their parents smoking wanted to be like their parents. If adults give up smoking and tell their children about it they can be sure that in most cases their adolescents will not start smoking.

Despite that fact that some people still think that tobacco is not so harmful and dangerous as it is said in social adverts, smoking can lead to some mortal diseases like cancer. In addition the regular consumption of tobacco causes a lot of problems with teeth, colour of the skin and it even can lead to some psychological problems like constant irritability. It is also well-known fact that smokers make problems to people around them the so-called passive smokers. It is clearly understandable that tobacco consumption is a very big problem in modern society and it has to be banned.

Taking into account everything mentioned above, I am inclined to believe that the government has to taboo the distribution of tobacco and cigarretes as it has done before with other narcotic substances.If the government ban the selling and consumption of tobbaco people will live in a much better world without the specific health problems and happier children.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Добрый день!
Не могли бы вы прокомментировать мое эссе, пишу 1 раз - только начал готовиться к IELTS, тему взял с writefix.com наобум

Should the same laws which prohibit the sale and consumption of heroin be applied to tobacco?

Темы IELTS так не формулируются. Там еще должно быть по меньшей мере 2 предложения, кот. и дают формулировку задания. В данном случае я не знаю, что требуется делать:
1. discuss
2. give your opinion
3. support the argument

Без знания задания непонятно что проверять.

[Ge0or]

Ясно, сейчас поищу что-нибудь подходящее.

[MeiLi]

Доброго времени суток ))) не прокоментируйте ли мое эссе и вообще если кто-нибудь скажет на сколько оно тянет буду оч благодарна )))
тема:
Directors of large companies often receive much bigger salary increases than ordinary workers. Employers' organizations say that in global market this is necessary to attract the best management talent.

Upper heads of companies earn quite pretty salaries than those of ordinary workers. Directors assume that offering attractive salary is common practice in global market to seek excellent management personnel. I tend to believe, that this practice is approved to avoid bankruptcy.
It might appear unjustified, that directors and managers often have a lot higher incomes than workers, considering efforts and all the hard work that they do, while heads are sitting in comfortable offices. Moreover, managers receive much bigger salary increases.
Nevertheless, as far as I concerned, the rulers of the world’s greatest companies are well educated enough to maintain whole systems of companies. A good management is essential for any company. It is the responsibility of heads to seek and find consumers market as well as to advertise company’s production. Wrong or bad management of company may bring to lost of huge amount of money or even to bankruptcy. For instance, head of laboratory, where I work, receives 3 times more, than other workers, while all the experiments are being fulfilled by workers. However, I find it justified, because he is the one, who controls the quality of results, finds finances to keep equipment up to date, seeks for international collaborations, so that our articles are being published in high rating journals. To sum up, good management talent is very important for company to succeed.
In conclusion, on a personal level I approve the directors’ higher salaries and consider good management the essential component of success of any company.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Доброго времени суток ))) не прокоментируйте ли мое эссе и вообще если кто-нибудь скажет на сколько оно тянет буду оч благодарна )))
тема:
Directors of large companies often receive much bigger salary increases than ordinary workers. Employers' organizations say that in global market this is necessary to attract the best management talent.

See the link below or just scroll two posts up.
http://www.gday.ru/forum/2039861-post2617.html

[MeiLi]

ok sorry which statement do you agree or disagree, discuss your views.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

ok sorry which statement do you agree or disagree, discuss your views.

There is only one statement so I can't choose which one. Neither can I discuss my views because I only have one.

You would also need to tell me what's your target score. There's a big difference between 4.5 and 7, as you are surely aware of.

And while you're trying to figure out what you want me to do , which of the 'upper heads' are your talking about?
upper heards
vs
upper head

As a matter of fact, I'm not sure you understand the topic anyway as some of the things sound quite weird (it's either quite or pretty, btw. And the latter is colloquial)

[MeiLi]

wow, was it that bad?
I agree that topic wasn't understood correctly, may be because there are no salary increases back here
My target score is 7, but I still have a month to improve my writing scores.
Sooo how much would I score with this essay?
And what do I need to work on?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

wow, was it that bad?
I agree that topic wasn't understood correctly, may be because there are no salary increases back here
My target score is 7, but I still have a month to improve my writing scores.
Sooo how much would I score with this essay?
And what do I need to work on?

Понимаете, проблема в том, что я вообще не могу понять о чем Вы пишете. Кто такие эти heads и чем они отличаются от directors? - может если я пойму, то тогда хоть ... пойму. Я судить об английском не понимая о чем идет речь я еще не научилась

Кроме того, меня совершенно сбивают с толку эти Ваши запятые. Вы их столько понаставили, что я каждый раз о них спотыкаюсь, и мне приходится начинать читать сначала.
На пред. странице (или 2 страницы назад) я давала ссылки на сайты и файлы о правилах пунктуации в английском. Не поленитесь, разберитесь с этой проблемой и читать станет легче.

С точки зрения огранизации не могу понять функцию параграфа начинающегося с It might appear unjustified...

О чем это тоже загадка: Nevertheless, as far as I concerned, the rulers of the world’s greatest companies are well educated enough to maintain whole systems of companies.

Остальное я пока комментировать не берусь.

To sum up, it's difficult to comment on the level of English as I don't know what the task is, i.e. what you are supposed to do, and what you are talking about.

I do feel that you might be OK but you need to invest a lot of time and effort into learning to how approach the task given and write an essay answering this task.

[Greg P]

MeiLi - у вас сплошные кальки, неправильное использование лексики (о чем говорилось выше), к тому же вы не не доказываете или опровергаете свое мнение (согласие с возможным объяснением, предоставленном в самом вопросе). Мне кажется, что вам необходимо потренироваться сначала создавать правлиную структуру - вступление, различные точки зрения, объяснение и подтверждающие аргументы вашей позиции, и заключение, а затем пытаться описывать это по английски.

Кроме того, обратите внимание на грамматику и пунктуацию. Лексика - пожалуй, самое сложное - тут только одна рекоммендация - больше читать и слушать.

К сожалению, в тексте слишком много ошибок, чтобы давать развернутый комментарий.

Удачи.

[Vanderley]

Всем здрасте! Давно не заходил сюда. Успел за последние полгода сдать два раза IELTS. Письмо получилось на 6 и на 7. К прошлым экзаменам почти не готовился, но сейчас хочу пересдать на 8 и наверное без пратики это не выйдет. Вот решил пописать.

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need
music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the

International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Music has been people's companion since our ancient ancestor became a human. Music described people's life, customs, important events and as those things changed, music changed with them - from ritual music of the Stone Age to epic ballads of Middle Ages, from classical music of Bethoven and Mozart to modern styles of jazz, blues and rock. Nowadays we have several hundreds of music styles each of which has something unique, something special to tell us.

Noone can really tell what makes music irreplaceable part of our life. However, it is unarguable that it can speak directly to our hearts by creating its own special atmosphere. Moreover, not only can music affect our mood, but it can also educate and enlighten us by telling us about historical events, people's lifestyles, theis thoughts and hopes. Finally, music plays one more important role - it is means by which people can express themselves speechlessly, get their message across by communicating with people's souls.

Music has a lot of aspects and each of them contributes to the value of each particular music piece. Two of those aspects are historical and cultural value. Music that was composed long time ago can tell us about what was the life like long time ago, what people thought about, what events happened back then. Just the same way contemporary music will be able to teach our offsprings about our life which is more global and international than the life of our ancestors. Another music aspect is it's content, what author wanted to express by it. From this point of view there is no differnce between traditional music of a particular country and modern international music as it is its content that is important but not the region where it came from.

To summarise, I think that contemporary music is as important as traditional music of the country because it plays all the same roles traditional music does.

Заранее спасибо за все коментарии.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Всем здрасте! Давно не заходил сюда. Успел за последние полгода сдать два раза IELTS. Письмо получилось на 6 и на 7. К прошлым экзаменам почти не готовился, но сейчас хочу пересдать на 8 и наверное без пратики это не выйдет. Вот решил пописать.

Мне кажется что здесь где-то 7.5 мах. Особенно учитывая, что вы проигнорировали один из вопросов задания: than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays

Именно подчеркнутая часть вообще не освещена.