My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maria Mirabell]

I got that a lot

Горан! Прости! Я все время себе говорю, что ты Горец - Горан, чтобы запомнить лучше. Опять ошиблась. Прости глупую! Что твое имя означает на хорватском языке? Может мне так лучше запомнится.

[Maria Mirabell]

I try to be creative,

That's the whole point, dear, it is not creative writing. In creative writing you can do whatever you want (almost). The focus of this type of essay is not creativity, but the ability to argue your position. It is more like a research paper where you should put all the information in the correct sections: intro, methods, findings, conclusion, so that the reader could find the information easily and understand your point without any difficulties. If you want to show off, the best way to do it is to use highly academic vocab, as I demonstrated in the examples. Neutral expressions like "to be better paid" always have more punchy fancy synonyms. If you do not use them, at least a couple of'em, you cannot get a higher mark. The neutral vocab will always leave you around 7 mark. This is understood even from the public version of the marking criteria. Have a look at the difference between 7 and 8 in the vocabulary section.
I studied academic writing in uni here and one of the main things you have to do (especially if you come from the background where structure and logic are not as important as in English) is to understand that in English you have to state from the very beginning what you are going to say, the reader should not try and guess what he/she will read about. Say it in the introduction explicitly. Then say it again in the body of the essay with more details (ideally each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence,again, saying what you are going to talk about). And finally mention it again in the conclusion.
In essay writing tutorials they taught us that even paragraphs should be symmetrical: not too long, not too short.

[Deniszb]

And why would I change? I feel quite comfortable with the way I'm thank you very much
Ever heard about the tall poppy syndrome?

> a social phenomenon in which people of genuine merit are resented, attacked, cut down, or criticised because their talents or achievements elevate them above or distinguish them from their peers
Имел виду только хорошее, никакого злово умысла не вкладывал, и безусловный позитивный вклад Maimiti_Isabella в дело подготовки к IELTS только попытался обозначить

BTW, Down Under is still down under for you?

оз может спать спокойно

[Maimiti_Isabella]

оз может спать спокойно

Жаль. Хорошим людям здесь всегда есть место под солнцем... только вот что-то давно солнца не видно...

[ALENOCHKA]

Добрый день всем. Выкладываю свою писанину. Тема взята мной из соседней ветки. Насчет клише, проблем с артиклями и простого вокабьюлара я знаю. Но я решила все таки пользоваться той лексикой, которую я знаю. IELTS планирую сдавать в июне. Для моих целей достаточно 5.0. Понимаю, что уровень знания языка низок и вряд ли через 3 месяца я выдам что-то существенно лучше. Так что готова к самой суровой критике Хотелось бы знать мнение Maimiti_Isabella насчет 5.0 в моем случае.С удовольствием читаю ее острые комменты!

Родители часто решают за подростков, куда пойти учиться (речь о профессии), правильно ли это, выскажите своё мнение об этом и приведите пример из жизни.

Young people should choose their professional way at quite early age. Unfortunately, this fateful decision is made in absence of any proper life experience and a thick perception about own interests. That is why teenagers often fall back completely on their parents’ opinion or, even, have to do it. Should parents affect the future career of their children? From my standpoint, they should not. Let me try to explain my position.

I reckon sometimes a child turns out a victim of mother and father’s ambitions. Meanwhile, a child’s view is not taken into account. Somehow parents are strongly convinced the beloved baby needs their help. As I remember from my childhood, my best friend was forced to attend piano classes and enter a musical college later. Her mother was gone by the best intentions. My friend was meant to continue the familial musical dynasty. Eventually the poor girl became a successful office-manager, but she still remembers the years of fruitless torture.

For my part I was much luckier. I have never been under any pressure about vital deals. Both my parenst were doctors, but I did not display any interest in medicine.Nevertheless I have never reproached regarding it. It often happens that children and their parents have different fields of interests. I am grateful that I was not biased to another activity. What is more, my capacities at math were not overlooked. My father always encouraged me and gave freedom of choice.

To sum the said above, I sure that every person has his or her particular way. Everyone should go through own mistakes and delusions. Undeniably, that such a crucial question as a further occupation can require a one’s crutch. Of course, the crutch may be ensured by parents. It should be sane advice but no a guidance.

Заранее благодарю за ответ!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Добрый день всем. Выкладываю свою писанину. Тема взята мной из соседней ветки. Насчет клише, проблем с артиклями и простого вокабьюлара я знаю. Но я решила все таки пользоваться той лексикой, которую я знаю. IELTS планирую сдавать в июне. Для моих целей достаточно 5.0. Понимаю, что уровень знания языка низок и вряд ли через 3 месяца я выдам что-то существенно лучше. Так что готова к самой суровой критике Хотелось бы знать мнение Maimiti_Isabella насчет 5.0 в моем случае.С удовольствием читаю ее острые комменты!
Родители часто решают за подростков, куда пойти учиться (речь о профессии), правильно ли это, выскажите своё мнение об этом и приведите пример из жизни.

Еще ни разу не видела, чтобы на экзамене IELTS темы были сформулированы на русском.


Having said this, вообще не понимаю, почему Вы обращаетесь ко мне: на форуме много людей, вполне способных проверить ваше эссе. А если я вдруг перестану сюда заходить? Или уеду в длительное путешествие? Да и вообще, я могу быть занята или не в настроении.

И еще, просто информация к размышлению. Грубо говоря, чтобы получить '5' надо в оговоренное время написать текст на английском языке, желательно с четко обозначенными параграфами и со словами 'скомпонованными' в предложения, неважно насколько грамматически правильными. Поскольку вы отвечаете этим требованиям, то 5-ка есть. Скорее всего можно даже рассчитывать на 5.5

[ALENOCHKA]

Ваше настроение всегда позволяет делать точные,остроумные и довольно беспощадные замечания без экивоков. Поэтому мне было важно именно Ваше мнение. Репетитор может переоценивать и прочее. Anyway,большое спасибо! Буду тренироваться дальше. Что бы 5,5 было стабильным

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Буду тренироваться дальше. Что бы 5,5 было стабильным

Respect!

In this case the first thing to do is to learn to be consistent in your response to the essay topic.


I have a feeling that your understanding of English is pretty good, judging from your vocabulary and sentence structure. So, if you don't mind I'm going to 'talk' in English

Intro: Should parents affect the future career of their children? From my standpoint, they should not. Let me try to explain my position.

Conclusion: Of course, the crutch may be ensured by parents. It should be sane advice but no a guidance.

So, should it be affected (as per conclusion) or not (as per your intro)?

Let's move on to the next problem. You first body para is almost perfect from the point of view of the task approach. However, the second paragraph is not. You should've structured it similarly. You, on the other hand, continued to develop the idea of the first one, just giving another example. Where's your topic sentence? It doesn't really have to be the first sentence of the paragraph but we need to see it. This should've been a general statement of your position.


Anyway, I've re-read your essay and I'm sure you've got a 5.5 already. However, of course I can't be sure as I don't know whether the essay's been written under exam conditions and how you generally perform under stress.

How about getting a 6? I think it's quite possible as you've got plenty of time.

[Goran Dražić]

ALENOCHKA, let me make my small contribution to improving your writing. First of all, your english is good enough to get 5, and I believe that if you address some of the problems you have, you will be able to do much better.

My comments are following:

• You have probably read here about using questions in essays. Although different markers may have different opinion about using questions, I suggest that you don't use them (just to be on the safe side). In this very case, it would be much more sensible to combine the question with the answer to get rid of small sentenses and same vocabulary.
• The second problem is that you overuse personal experience. The type of essay you are supposed to write is discursive, however this one is in the no-man's-land between discursive and narrative.

Also, there is a sentense that made me smile:

That is why teenagers often fall back completely on their parents’ opinion or, even, have to do it.

The problem here is that it is not clear what it is. And because it is unclear, some perverted minds (or people who are just familiar with slang) may interpret "to do it" as to do it. Be careful with this.

[Goran Dražić]

Goran, ну нельзя же, друг мой, только об Этом и думать

I'm not. I blame it on Friends(rewind to 0:45) and, in part, on ALENOCHKA, who was not clear in here writing

[Maria Mirabell]

I'm not. I blame it on Friends(rewind to 0:45) and, in part, on ALENOCHKA, who was not clear in here writing

Ahhh Now I see...

[Goran Dražić]

простите, а что такое loosing weight?

Healthy lifestyle has been always promoted to the public, however, over the last years it has been increasingly debatable topic as has never before. With tremendous numbers of advertising campaigns offering many different ways of loosing weigh and maintain health some people find it confusing what method to believe in and what is the best reliable way to stay healthy and fit.

[Maria Mirabell]

Итак, господа! Я отсканировала свои эссе и готова выслать их всем страждущим
Пож. пи эм ми Получилось 10 пдф файлов, в каждом одно эссе. В основном это argument essays & discussion essays, но есть и одно problem-solution essay. Заранее прошу прощения за качество отсканированных листочков, с ними произошел маленький эксидент.
Если кому-то нужны и описания графиков для академического модуля, то я могу и их отсканировать по просьбе, просто так было ленно у сканера стоять зря.

[ALENOCHKA]

Goran Dražić,Maimiti_Isabella, I am grateful a lot for your comments. It is very kind of you to analise my essay so carefully. Your advice is priceless. I need some time to think over it.
And particular thanks for humane notes about my English.I am encouraged.
It took me 1h 20minutes (I am in despair).
Ok, I won't abuse of your attention. I am going to train.Thanks!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

I would definitely expect to find something like that in a student's work, not in the marker's comments . Unless it was a quotation ...

I guess I should feel honoured by the fact that you read my comments that closely. But somehow I don't. Sorry.

Don't waste your energy on me. What I mean is you can if you want to of course but I don't give a damn. Sorry again. Have a nice life, if you can and dare to

Oh, yes, one more thing. If you care to go 60 or 70 pages back you might just discover that you're not original but just part of my personal little 'fan' club. I'm sure you'll be a valuable addition to it.