My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Irina Iri]

maritasha, можно попросить Вас выслать мне по эл.почте книгу, которую всем рекомендовали: Academic writing practice for IELTS. e-mail:[email protected]. Не вышло скачать самостоятельно (
по ней ведь можно к general готовить эссе?

[Mereke]

Plese be informing that I could not upload diagram on essay below...

The given bar graph compares the amounts of yearly used ground and public supply water in Germany.
It can be clearly seen from the graph that the lowest rates of ground water consumption are recorded in machinery, fuel industry and textiles it’s about 10, 70 and 80 millions of cubic meters respectively. As is shown by the graph that the next two industries have higher rates, consumption of water compare with the previous sectors, precisely in food/drinks industry it totals in 110 millions of cubic meters, while paper sector has just fewer than 200 millions of cubic meters. From the graph it is clear that the highest numbers belonged to Chemical industry (around 430 millions of cubic meters).
Public supply usage numbers were much lower in all industries; the highest numbers were recorded again in Chemicals about 240 millions of cubic meters and after that sector the highest amounts of water also used by food/drinks, metal and machinery industries. Public supply water consumption in fuel (10) and in textile (11) is similar with paper industry (20).
In conclusion, the report shows that chemical and metal has similar consumption numbers of both ground water and public supply.

[Mereke]

please find enclosed my essay. Looking forward your reply...

[Maimiti_Isabella]

The given bar graph compares the amounts of yearly used ground and public supply water in Germany.
It can be clearly seen from the graph that the lowest rates of ground water consumption are recorded in the machinery (??? это что за индустрия?), fuel industry and textiles (а это что? индустрия или материал?) (новое предложение или 'забыли' продолжить старое?) it’s about 10, 70 and 80 millions of cubic meters respectively. As is shown by (неправильный предлог) the graph that (???) the next two industries (какие еще две? Где они - не вижу!) have higher rates, (???) consumption of water compared with the previous sectors (which ones - you haven't given any) , precisely (???) in food/drinks industry it totals in 110 millions of cubic meters, while paper sector has (???) just fewer than 200 millions of cubic meters. From the graph it is clear that the highest numbers (чего?) belonged to the Chemical industry (around 430 millions of cubic meters).
Public supply usage numbers were much lower in all industries; the highest numbers were recorded again in Chemicals (comma) about 240 millions of cubic meters and after that sector the highest amounts of water also used by food/drinks, metal and machinery industries. Public supply water consumption in fuel (вы заливаете воды в бензин?) (10) and in textile (11) is similar with paper industry (20). (что за цифры-то?)
In conclusion, the report shows that chemical and metal has similar consumption numbers of both ground water and public supply.(т.е. и это все? Это весь смысл графика? - в описании графиков conclusion не требуется. Вычеркивайте!)

I'm quite happy to be informed that you can't ...
А где график-то? А то ведь непонятно что проверять... Где задание?! А, поняла - график найден. Только непонятно откуда Германия взялась? На графике Германию я как-то не нашла...

У Вас очень слабый английский. Описания графиков тяжело проверять (особенно без графика ) , но я бы сказала, что где-то 5.5

Судя по этому описанию, Вам надо заниматься подтягиванием английского. Прежде всего.

[Mereke]

Thank you so much, please before blame someone read carefully heading of the text.. and open the attached doc then u will find graphs... about Germany.. it's just my choice...

but nevertheles thx for your reccomedation and useful tips

if u would like to keep in touch please do that vis skype: konysbay

Bye!!!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Thank you so much, please before blame someone read carefully heading of the text.. and open the attached doc then u will find graphs... about Germany.. it's just my choice...

but nevertheles thx for your reccomedation and useful tips

if u would like to keep in touch please do that vis skype: konysbay

Bye!!!

Wow! What an utterance! I'm imressed. I wish I could understand everything you are saying though.

As for reading the title of the graph, I don't think I have any problems with it. Not sure about you, for that matter. So I hope with your superior reading skills you could help me locate the word 'Germany' in the title. If you don't mind doing extra job for my sake, of course.

So, to simplify the task for you, I've inserted the image of the title. See below.

[Mereke]

Yes, madam just FYI,

I didn't want to write in my essay 'somecountry' and then changed it to Germany. I think you had better just check my essay instead of asking stupid questions.

Thanks in advance,

[ASliceofLuck]

I think you had better just check my essay instead of asking stupid questions.

that's sweet) A perfect way to get some feedback on your writing.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Yes, madam just FYI,

I didn't want to write in my essay 'somecountry' and then changed it to Germany. I think you had better just check my essay instead of asking stupid questions.

Thanks in advance,

Dear Smart Alec,

I think it would be so much better if you tone down your utterances and just do a bit of ground work to discover what IELTS is really about.

At this stage I believe you need to look for someone else to check your essays, especially considering that you haven't written any.

[Mereke]

yeap, sure. Thank you so much, take my apologize ... if I were so rude

[Mereke]

that's sweet) A perfect way to get some feedback on your writing.

Excuse me ASliceofLuck, I couldn't understand u correctly... what do you mean?

[Mereke]

please criticize my essay. You will find enclosed doc graph#2

Thanks in advance.

[Vovka]

Здравствуйте, я тут новенький, верней старенький но всё никак не выкладывал свои творения из боязни, что зафукают, а тут вот осмелел.
Очень бы хотелось услышать +и-, в каком направлении работать. Заранее спасибо! Моя заветная цель это "7" general

The exploration and development of safe alternatives to fossil fuels should be the most important global priority today. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In today’s fast moving world, dependency on fossil fuels increased sharply. It is nowhere evident than in our daily life. We just adore of using some trifle things such as hot water, we are dreaming about powerful car, however, we forget about problems such as fuel shortage or damaging of nature that could appear in nearest future. Therefore, the vast majority of people reckon that clean rechargeable materials will be vital for generation to come.

Firstly, the most great misfortune of present generation is gas affection. Undoubtedly, we cannot live without some contraptions for example labor saving devices, hitting, or electricity. Nonetheless, few of us realise that even electricity is not totally green power. It is made of coal incineration, thus it is absolutely evident that that electricity affection on our nature is equal to gas or oil burning process.

Secondly, according to the last statistics, the luck of useful minerals such as gas, oil, coal seem to change our present world. For example, people get used to hearing about gas crysis, furthermore, aggression of some countries in order to appropriate the fuel deposits, become normal part of present life. That is why, it is obviously that today’s generation and generation to come are craving for modern fuel that could be fully clean and rechargeable. As scientists say, some technologies that were very sophisticated and very expensive at the past, such as depleted hydrogen from the water, will likely to be open for majority of people in nearest future.
However, till that time we have to obey some necessary rules, sample is moderating out daily consumption of the energy.

After all, I would say that alternative energy is the most vital question in our life. Our dependency on mineral deposits could damage our life completely, therefore, new inventions have to be supported not just with material resources but also with humans’ recognition .

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Здравствуйте, я тут новенький, верней старенький но всё никак не выкладывал свои творения из боязни, что зафукают, а тут вот осмелел.
Очень бы хотелось услышать +и-, в каком направлении работать. Заранее спасибо! Моя заветная цель это "7" general

....

До 7-ки Вы, судя по этому эссе, сможете добраться. Но она у Вас пока еще 'не в кармане'.

Главные замечания:
1. too informal. You are using too much of personal pronouns and other conversational phrases, e.g. 'reckon' is strictly informal and shouldn't have found its way into the essay

2. punctuation. You need to revise the rules of English punctuation as so far there are too many commas where full stops should be.
One of the examples: Our dependency on mineral deposits could damage our life completely, therefore, new inventions -> . Therefore, / ; therefore -this rule is not negotiable and you should have picked it while preparing for the essay writing.

3. there are a lot of interesting words but at times I feel they come from an Russian/English dictionary as their use is totally inappropriate to the context.
On of the examples: clean rechargeable materials will be vital for generation -> renewable. Batteries can be 'rechargeable' but materials?
or
It is made of coal incineration -> burning. Incineration can't be used here.

4. there are also many word confusion mistakes. This could be problems with spelling, lack of control of vocabulary or word processing mistakes: I wouldn't know.
Some of the examples: luck -> lack; hitting -> heating

5. Ну и обычные ошибки с предлогами, использованием неправильных слов и т.д. - ничего сногшибательно-ужасного.


В общем, задача 1 - избавиться от неформального стиля и разобраться с пунктуацией. А потом и 'поговорим' . Я давала уже ссылку на ресурсы по пунктуации. Мой 'любимый' сайт: The Purdue OWL: Punctuation (just watch out for those excessive commas in American English. In British English the rules are much more relaxed as far as the comma is concerned). Также у меня в 'картинках' есть 2 файлa с правилами пунктуации. Можете открыть и посмотреть.
http://www.gday.ru/forum/members/mai...ctuation-1.jpg

http://www.gday.ru/forum/members/mai...ctuation-2.jpg

Кажется, пока все.
g'luck

Нет, не все (добавлено позже): Вы столько за выделенное время написали? У Вас где-то на 100 слов больше положенного минимума.

[Vovka]

До 7-ки Вы, судя по этому эссе, сможете добраться. Но она у Вас пока еще 'не в кармане'.

Главные замечания:

2. punctuation. You need to revise the rules of English punctuation as so far there are too many commas where full stops should be.
One of the examples: Our dependency on mineral deposits could damage our life completely, therefore, new inventions -> . Therefore, / ; therefore -this rule is not negotiable and you should have picked it while preparing for the essay writing.

Огромное спасибо за информацию, так как я чувствую, что на пунктуации я всегда спотыкаюсь.

3. there are a lot of interesting words but at times I feel they come from an Russian/English dictionary as their use is totally inappropriate to the context.
On of the examples: clean rechargeable materials will be vital for generation -> renewable. Batteries can be 'rechargeable' but materials?
or
It is made of coal incineration -> burning. Incineration can't be used here.

Я стараюсь вытаскивать слова отовсюду любые источники, книги, радио, фильмы, что вижу новое то и записываю,а потом выбираю из всего этого то, что мне надо. Основной запас набираю из Vocabulary for IELTS(Cambridge)

4. there are also many word confusion mistakes. This could be problems with spelling, lack of control of vocabulary or word processing mistakes: I wouldn't know.
Some of the examples: luck -> lack; hitting -> heating

это мой бич! очень тяжело исправится но стараемся

Нет, не все (добавлено позже): Вы столько за выделенное время написали? У Вас где-то на 100 слов больше положенного минимума.

Да, я справился как раз за положенное время и у меня не осталось толком на проверку, я конечно почувствовал, что перебор но остановится был не в силах
Еще раз спасибо, огромное! Я приму всё во внимание!