My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[maritasha]

Проверьте, пожалуйста!!!!
The graphs shows the amount of rainfall in 12 month groups. It can be clearly seen that month groups of July an dof October have the highest amount of rainfall rate.
According to the graph, between the months of January, Febriary, March, April and May, the second month of the year has least amount of rainfall (about 38 mm). On March and April amount of rainfall climbs. There is a slight fall on August and September, where rainfall rate reaches 55 mm.
The peak value is recorded on October and all the remainng groups have much lower figures: about 53 mm on Novemeber and about 51 on December.
To sum up, the amount of rainfall during the whole year steadilly rises or falls.

Во-первых, очень мало слов. Должно быть 150, а у вас около 120.
Во-вторых, даже если не брать в расчет то, что вы не написали само задание, как-то очень-очень просто мне показалось. Предложения элементарные, короткие.

И вот, хорошая статейка IELTS Academic Writing 1: Как описывать диаграммы, графики и таблицы? | Elf-English.ru

[flameflower]

Форумчане, посмотрите плиз эссе,
Maimiti_Isabella, посмотрите, пожалуйста, с особой строгостью)) это мое последнее эссе перед сдачей в субботу



Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


It is considered that a person's success in mature age highly depends on valuable life skills obtained in the childhood. The most effective way to train children for future achievements is still a polemic issue which has been raising many debates for years. There are equally reasonable arguments for stimulation children’s rivalry as well as for development of teamwork.


Some people think that being taught to achieve only the highest position as a child will lead to distinguished results in further life. To support this idea they argue that during a competition children acquire knowledge such as how to set a task, consentrate on the aim, cope with pressure. As a result, having got essential skill youngsters are likely to be more productive in subsequent years in any profession from a sportsman to a scientist.


On the other hand, it is believed that working in team helps children develop social qualities, which are more necessary as they live in community. Indeed, through cooperation young people realise that if they want to be more efficient, they should not only join their efforts and knowledge, but also be tolerant, respectful and listen to each other. Moreover, this activity trains to delegate responsibilities and transform several different ideas in an effective one. As a result, the society is provided with helpful and useful members.


In conclusion, I take the view that it would be better to combine both strategies in children’s education. Person, who knows how to compete for achieving the goal and work with people, could bring more benefits as a leader of a team. Such experienced leader could reveal potential of each member of the team and push common efforts toward bigger progress.

[maritasha]

Форумчане, посмотрите плиз эссе,
Maimiti_Isabella, посмотрите, пожалуйста, с особой строгостью)) это мое последнее эссе перед сдачей в субботу



Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


It is considered that a person's success in mature age highly depends on valuable life skills obtained in the childhood. The most effective way to train children for future achievements is still a polemic issue which has been raising many debates for years. There are equally reasonable arguments for stimulation children’s rivalry as well as for development of teamwork.


Some people think that being taught to achieve only the highest position as a child will lead to distinguished results in further life. To support this idea they argue that during a competition children acquire knowledge such as how to set a task, consentrate on the aim, cope with pressure. As a result, having got essential skill youngsters are likely to be more productive in subsequent years in any profession from a sportsman to a scientist.


On the other hand, it is believed that working in team helps children develop social qualities, which are more necessary as they live in community. Indeed, through cooperation young people realise that if they want to be more efficient, they should not only join their efforts and knowledge, but also be tolerant, respectful and listen to each other. Moreover, this activity trains to delegate responsibilities and transform several different ideas in an effective one. As a result, the society is provided with helpful and useful members.


In conclusion, I take the view that it would be better to combine both strategies in children’s education. Person, who knows how to compete for achieving the goal and work with people, could bring more benefits as a leader of a team. Such experienced leader could reveal potential of each member of the team and push common efforts toward bigger progress.

на 6,5 точно потянет, может даже на 7. Дала перечитать мужу, грамматических ошибок не нашел. Только одна, видимо, описка: concentrate. Но он в своих эссе выделяет мнение в отдельный параграф, но вроде бы и в заключении допустимо.

Еще преподаватель его научил во втором параграфе в последнем предложении мягко намекать на то, о чем пойдет речь в 3-м параграфе. Это называется transitional sentence. Такое переходное предложение используют только между этими двумя параграфами.
Например, что-то вроде этого: Существует другая сторона медали...И пошел 3-й параграф. Читатель понимает, что сейчас пойдет речь о чем-то противоположном. Это повышает балл за coherence.

Ну, а в общем, очень хорошо написано. Может и не придется потом в Сочи пересдавать

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Форумчане, посмотрите плиз эссе,
Maimiti_Isabella, посмотрите, пожалуйста, с особой строгостью)) это мое последнее эссе перед сдачей в субботу

I've always been bad at conventions so I start unconventionlly, from the very end, the conclusion.

To sum up, if everything goes right by you and you get the right topic and there are no any major hiccups, we might not ever see you again on this thread unless you want to come and help out with the marking.

An essay like this is looking at 7 easily but most probably 7.5. This is an absolutely amazing job!

Now, let's get to the beginning and have a look at the essay с особой строгостью

It is considered that a person's success in mature age highly depends on valuable life skills obtained in the childhood. The most effective way to train children for future achievements is still a polemic issue which has been raising many debates for years. There are equally reasonable arguments for stimulation children’s rivalry (too many unlinked nouns -> for the stimulation of children's rivalry), as well as for the development of teamwork.

Some people think (change to something 'smarter', even "are of the opinion" is better) that being taught to achieve only the highest position as a child will (how about some modality -> will (would) undoubtedly/ would certainly, etc) lead to distinguished results in further (->future) life. To support this idea they argue that during a competition children acquire knowledge such as how to set a task, consentrate on the aim,(no comma) and cope with pressure. As a result, having got essential skill youngsters are likely to be more productive in subsequent years in any profession, (a comma is required as this is additional information to give examples and/or to re-enforce your point) from a sportsman to a scientist.

On the other hand, it is believed that working in a team helps children develop social qualities, (no comma) which are more (more than what? - cut it!) necessary as they live in a community. Indeed, through cooperation young people realise that if they want to be more efficient, they should not only join their efforts and knowledge, but also be tolerant, respectful and listen to each other (you have here adj + adj. + verb. This is not good -> tolerant, respectful and attentive?) Moreover, this activity trains (->encourages) to delegate responsibilities and transform several different ideas in an effective one. As a result, the society is provided with helpful and useful members.


In conclusion, I take the view that it would be better to combine both strategies in children’s education. A person, who knows how to compete for achieving the goal and work with people, (no commas!) could bring more benefits as a leader of a team. Such an experienced leader could reveal potential (not clear) of each member of the team and push common efforts toward bigger progress.

G'luck with your test and I hope you will tell us your results when they come through.

[HolyMolly]

probably mistyped

consentrate => concentrate

[HolyMolly]

...more (more than what? - cut it!)necessary...

Можно ли было сказать "most necessary" вместо совсем "cut it!"?

A person, who knows how to compete for achieving the goal and work with people, (no commas!) could bring more benefits as a leader of a team.

But why 'no commas!)'???

Isn't "who knows how to compete for achieving the goal and work with people" an optional qualification which could be bordered by two commas?

[maritasha]

But why 'no commas!)'???

Isn't "who knows how to compete for achieving the goal and work with people" an optional qualification which could be bordered by two commas?

На самом деле запятые не нужны. Так как, если "убрать" определение, выделенное запятыми смысл предложения станет непонятным.
A person could bring more benefits as a leader of a team. -вот что получится. Which person? О чем речь?
Поэтому запятыми выделять определение не нужно, т.к. наличие запятых предполагает понятность текста в случае, если их "опустить".

[HolyMolly]

На самом деле запятые не нужны. Так как, если "убрать" определение, выделенное запятыми смысл предложения станет непонятным.
A person could bring more benefits as a leader of a team. -вот что получится. Which person? О чем речь?
Поэтому запятыми выделять определение не нужно, т.к. наличие запятых предполагает понятность текста в случае, если их "опустить".

Но, тогда и первая не нужна, верно?
Опять же, A person who is a leader of a team, having knowileges how to compete for achieving the goal and work with people, could bring more benefits

A person is a leader of a team.
A leader has knowileges how to compete for achieving the goal and work with people.
A leader could bring more benefits.

По-моему этот момент очень даже спорный.

[flameflower]

Maimiti_Isabella, maritasha, по-человечески спасибо вам за ваш труд и поддержку, все замечания обязательно учту и уж как постраюсь))))

[deklerik88]

Maimiti_Isabella, спасибо большое за подробный разбор. надеюсь завтра получить желаемый результат.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

надеюсь завтра получить желаемый результат.

Good luck!

[maritasha]

Но, тогда и первая не нужна, верно?
Опять же, A person who is a leader of a team, having knowileges how to compete for achieving the goal and work with people, could bring more benefits

A person is a leader of a team.
A leader has knowileges how to compete for achieving the goal and work with people.
A leader could bring more benefits.

По-моему этот момент очень даже спорный.

Какая первая запятая? В предложении (A person who knows how to compete for achieving the goal and work with peoplecould bring more benefits as a leader of a team) не должно быть вообще запятых.

А в том предложении, которое написали вы должны быть запятые (A person who is a leader of a team, having knowledges how to compete for achieving the goal and work with people, could bring more benefits ), так как, если их "опустить" смысл сохранится.

Не очень поняла какой момент вы считаете спорным?

[flameflower]

Форумчане, которые готовятся к сдаче, по результатам первого захода делюсь опытом - пополняйте словарный запас до последнего дня!!! расширяйте хотя бы пассивный словарный запас, при экстренный ситуации мозг выдаст все что надо, тема музыки для меня осталась в стороне при подготовке, она и попалась))) писала ерунду, но эта ерунда как- то автоматом укладывалась в структуру эссе)))

Maimiti_Isabella, единственно что было хорошего в моем эссе, это ваша когда-то подаренная фраза о side of the fence))) никогда ее не использовала в своих эссе, а тут прям всплыло в тему))

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Форумчане, которые готовятся к сдаче, по результатам первого захода делюсь опытом - пополняйте словарный запас до последнего дня!!! расширяйте хотя бы пассивный словарный запас, при экстренный ситуации мозг выдаст все что надо, тема музыки для меня осталась в стороне при подготовке, она и попалась))) писала ерунду, но эта ерунда как- то автоматом укладывалась в структуру эссе)))

Maimiti_Isabella, единственно что было хорошего в моем эссе, это ваша когда-то подаренная фраза о side of the fence))) никогда ее не использовала в своих эссе, а тут прям всплыло в тему))

Как сдали-то, по ощущениям? Когда результаты?

[flameflower]

Результаты числа 20 будут
По ощущениям не важно, меня подвел слабый словарный запас по данной теме, и мысли были и, на удивление, легко шла струкутра, прям мысли четко по структуре появлялись, но тема была мной не проработана, вот и результат, я б такое эссе сюда бы не выложила, сама видела что очень слабо...но готовлюсь я не очень долго, шла на удачу, что ж не мой был день, но понравилось, пойду еще)))))
так что скоро появлюсь опять, обещаю уж сильно эфир своими творениями не занимать

тема была..сравнить историческое занчение музыки для общества, и современные мысли, что это только развлечение...можно было бы писать и писать