My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Спасибо большое... но хотя бы на основные моменты можете сделать акцент..буду очень благодарен!!!

Тут нет основных моментов: тут ошибки в грамматике, выборе слов, построении предложений и т.д.

[inside]

Тут нет основных моментов: тут ошибки в грамматике, выборе слов, построении предложений и т.д.

ок...просто для меня сейчас важно понимание, что я не правильно делаю, так как только начал готовиться к writing, чтоб в дальнейшем не усугублять ошибки...еще раз, спасибо

[realset]

Уважаемый realset, очень рекомендую сконцентрироваться на английском в первую очередь!

Спасибо!

[will.i.am]

The Internet has transformed lives and economies but it is turning the world into a global village. Soon everybody will think and behave in the same way.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Since the moment of existing, Internet has gradually changed our life and influenced the economies all over the world. However, it is thought that worldwide web makes our our world an infinite territory where people have an identical thoughts and conduct. In my opinion, Internet considerably erases a lot of boards and differences between people thus making the individuals identical.

Firstly, worldwide web has it's own specific language which is common for every participant regardless of location, occupation, interests and thereby eliminates all possible barriers. In real life, every person has it's personal traits and peculiarities which distinguish him or her from the others. However, in web area people from all parts of our planet adhere to the Internet rules and communicate by means of the unified parlance. Thus, those who are involved in web life, whether or not, compose the web community where all individuals are equal and behave themselves the same way.

Secondly, it became possible to work for a company which is located abroad through the web space and therefore impacting a lot of economies. The illustration of such online work can be observed in India whose IT specialists are employed by a lot of international companies. In spite of the fat that Indian employees work for foreign companies they still bring significant income into domestic economy. Moreover, because of such a way of hiring workers an unemployment rate among own IT specialists in the USA and Canada, which are the major online employers, slightly increases. So, it becomes more than obvious that worldwide web causes an evident changes in international economies.

To sum up, I am inclined to believe that Internet, no matter what benefits it comprise in itself, defeats all bounds and distinctions. Whilst using the world of web area, persons lose the personal features and interflow into a single web mob.

Заранее благодарю.

[Pale Fire]

А вот и мое первое эссе. Прошу, укажите на ошибки с учетом того, что мне нужно минимум 7 за Writing.

In the past lecturers could teach a certain number of students in one lecture hall. With the development of new technology it’s hard to justify the reason to participate the lecture physically and not via the internet. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? What is your personal opinion?

During the past centuries, since the foundation of the first university, the process of study presupposed physical presence of students and lecturers in the education facilities. However, today, when technological tools provide possibility to conduct virtually any classes through the web, attendance of the universities has become the question of personal choice. The Internet offers new opportunities regarding the educational process.

First of all, remote study has made it possible for individuals to find the institution best corresponding with their needs. Absence of necessity to travel to the place of study equalizes the opportunities of students from large cities and from towns with smaller population density. Moreover, today one can easily attend the lectures given in world’s best universities without even having to leave their home. This leads to increase of overall accessibility of education.

Another point in favour of studying from home is the fact that people differ in terms of their working habits. While some of us perform optimally in the morning hours, others are better in the evenings. This phenomenon is known as body clock and it considerably restricts the effectiveness of knowledge acquisition. Therefore, the ability to adjust study schedule to internal rhythm appears to be a great advantage of e-learning.

So, to sum up, I believe that these days attendance of the place of study has become much less essential than before. Although there still are certain educational activities requiring physical involvement of students, electronic ways of learning will consistently become an integral part of our life. Education is one of the priority areas for society to develop and it should not be limited by geographical bounds.

272 слова

[Goran Dražić]

Hey Pale Fire, there are some "glitches" that I noticed:

corresponding with

- corresponding to. "Corresponding with" means communicationg with someone by writing them letters.

necessity to travel

- I checked two dictionaries. They give to forms - necessity of/for. Maybe I overlooked something. Just check it.

from large cities and from towns with smaller population density

- large city can have small population density.

much less essential

- check out what absolute adjectives are. For example here.

Also, I don't think your second body paragraph is valid. Attending a lecture remotely is like watching it LIVE(you don't choose the time).

Finally, as for your choice of arguments, I don't think it is a great idea to fully support the side you supported. You see, the task says:

it’s hard to justify the reason to participate the lecture physically and not via the internet

For me it would be more logical to say - not it's not - and give arguments. Or, to say - well yeah, but there are still some drawbacks. If you had chosen one of these ways, you would have mentioned

the reason to participate the lecture physically and not via the internet

. The advantages are kinda implied in the question, when the essay says that

it’s hard to justify the reason to participate the lecture physically and not via the internet

, so I feel they are less important in this essay.

But in general, the essay sounds smart enough. I don't think you are gonna experience any problems with getting 7 for the Vocabulary and Lexical Resource part and Grammar. Not sure about two others though.

[Pale Fire]

Goran Dražić, thanks a lot for your feedback. I worry a lot about this part of the test and highly appreciate your advice.
As for the points you indicated, I have to agree about general weakness of the arguments. To be honest, I had a hard time trying to invent even these ones. Probably I should work on my imagination)

[Pale Fire]

Моя вторая попытка написания эссе. Любая критика будет принята с благодарностью

In spite of many advances women have made in education and employment, they continue to be at a disadvantage when it comes to pay and promotion. In your view, what should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the workplace?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

For many years now women have been working on equal terms with men in virtually all spheres. However, while in most countries the same rules are applied to employees regardless of their gender, female workers are often underrepresented in senior positions requiring higher level of responsibility. Moreover, women generally earn less even participating in the same activities as men. Efforts should be made to define the reasons of this problem and address it effectively.

One essential factor contributing to the above stated situation is the fact that some people consider the role of women as mother and wife as a possible obstacle to the performance of some duties and, thus, tend to less readily assign female employees on advanced positions. To assure equal terms of employment for both sexes measures should be taken to establish work polices aimed at unbiased treatment for all staff. In some countries this practice, often referred to as Equal Opportunity Employment, has already led to significant increase in the percentage of women involved in highly competitive jobs.

Another possible reason is traditional perception of women as the “weaker sex” – even in the modern society many people divide jobs into men’s and women’s ones. Personally, I believe that this common delusion will vanish with the lapse of time as women have proved to be just as efficient as men. Nonetheless, society could accelerate the process providing more educational opportunities for female students. One possible approach would be for universities to establish special grants for women participating in such areas as science and technologies, usually considered as men’s domain.

In conclusion, it must be stated that inequality between the genders, particularly with respect to paid employment, should be deemed inadmissible in today’s world. Not only it infringes basic human rights but also impedes social evolution.

298 слов.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Моя вторая попытка написания эссе. Любая критика будет принята с благодарностью

In spite of many advances women have made in education and employment, they continue to be at a disadvantage when it comes to pay and promotion. In your view, what should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the workplace?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

298 слов.

Что вам сказать... Если только вы не подвержены a bad case of "butterflies in the stomach" и укладываетесь по времени - 7.5 минимум у вас 'в кармане'. Но я бы 'делала ставки' на 8. Ошибок практически нет, за исключением артиклей. На вопрос ответили и тему раскрыли.

Теперь об'ясню, зачем попросила эссе и ничего не сказал о письме: оно было написано очень хорошо (но там больше ошибок, чем в эссе), и я просто ... не поверила. Оно мне даже показалось 'вызубренным', за что теперь прошу прощения.

У вас очень хороший и 'натуральный' английский и очень хорошее понимание of what's appropriate.

Revise the articles and you're ready to go, if you're capable of producing writings like that.

(Disclaimer: this is the only essay from you that I read. I haven't yet read the first one)

[katero]

Покритикуйте пожалуйста...
In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility.
What are your opinions on this?


Nowadays there are possibilities for children all over the world to earn money for some kind of job. Although children's paid work is often considered as a negative development I would argue that with some restrictions it is beneficial practice for society.


The important consideration about child's labour is that it should be voluntary and safe. I strongly convinced that children must not be forced to do any job for living. Unfortunately, this is often not the case in undeveloped countries, where young citizens are obliged to work and support themselves and their families. In addition, dangerous and hard work are definitely intolerable for minors and have to be illegal.


On the other hand, paid work can positively influence on children's development. At first, there is a chance to get vital experience and learn new skills which could possibly be useful in adult life. In my opinion, the earlier they understand the significance of their efforts and the rules of cooperative work the easier they will achieve success in the future. Another point is the opportunity for minors to earn some money and thus to understand its real value. Money received as a reward for some work are considered by minors in different way than allowance from parents. Therefore, the responsible, effective and economical behaviour of children could be developed.


Taking all the points into consideration, I believe that engagement in a paid work is a valuable experience for children. Although, measures should be taken to provide them freedom of choice and opportunities to work in appropriate conditions.

у меня по writting сначала было 6.5, на второй экзамен 7 (разница 2 мес). готовилась по Cambridge. прошла очень внимательно каждый урок.

по поводу Вашего эссе - требуется написать эссе по ситуации (см Ace the IELTS). По структуре это значит, что нужно сначала описать причины , которые привели к ситуации (вызвавшей вопрос), предположить, что будет в бущуем и предложить решения для создавшейся ситуации. с этой точки зрения.

3й абзац начинается с описания противоположного "on the other hand". в Cambridge говоритсЯ, что так можно, только если предыдущие высказывания были четко противоположны тому, что вы собираетесь сказать. Во 2м абзаце вы аргументируете утверждение, что детский труд должен быть безопасен и по доброй воле. On the other hand - означает, что Вы хотите сказать нечто противоположное (что-то вроде "пусть труд будет небезопасен и не по доброй воле, но есть приичны").

по грамматике и словарному запасу - сказать нечего, пишу где-то также))

[Pale Fire]

Maimiti_Isabella, thank you! It's a relieve to know my writing is not as bad as I thought)
Буду стараться тогда на 8. И над артиклями поработаю, спасибо за совет.

[katero]

Since the moment of existing, Internet has gradually changed our life and influenced the economies all over the world. However, it is thought that worldwide web makes our our world an infinite territory where people have an identical thoughts and conduct. In my opinion, Internet considerably erases a lot of boards and differences between people thus making the individuals identical.

Firstly, worldwide web has it's own specific language which is common for every participant regardless of location, occupation, interests and thereby eliminates all possible barriers. In real life, every person has it's personal traits and peculiarities which distinguish him or her from the others. However, in web area people from all parts of our planet adhere to the Internet rules and communicate by means of the unified parlance. Thus, those who are involved in web life, whether or not, compose the web community where all individuals are equal and behave themselves the same way.

Secondly, it became possible to work for a company which is located abroad through the web space and therefore impacting a lot of economies. The illustration of such online work can be observed in India whose IT specialists are employed by a lot of international companies. In spite of the fat that Indian employees work for foreign companies they still bring significant income into domestic economy. Moreover, because of such a way of hiring workers an unemployment rate among own IT specialists in the USA and Canada, which are the major online employers, slightly increases. So, it becomes more than obvious that worldwide web causes an evident changes in international economies.

To sum up, I am inclined to believe that Internet, no matter what benefits it comprise in itself, defeats all bounds and distinctions. Whilst using the world of web area, persons lose the personal features and interflow into a single web mob.

Заранее благодарю.

учебники говорят, что в введении не стоит высказывать свое мнение (его в заключение).
во 2м абзаце - не зватает supportive argument (по структуре те же учебники говорят - сначала выдать main idea, затем аргументы). в 3м абзаце это идея выдержана (сначала сказано , что сеть дает возможность работать из-за границы, потом пример с Индией).

везде по тексту интернет заменен на web. слишком много. мне кажется, ничего страшного перемешивать со словом internet или wroldwide web

illustration - не может быть observed (интуитивно режет слух, может знатоки и одобрят)

на каком-то ресурсе по форм/неформальному англ нашла - не рекомендуется начинать предложения с So (неформальный английский).

"To sum up, I am inclined to believe" - звучит ломанно. (может Taking all points into consideration, I inclined to balieve)

the world of web area -> worldwide web?

persons lose the personal features -> people. нигде выше не говорится, что люди утрачивают личные характеристики ввиду использования мировой паутины. (есть высказывания, что сеть стирает эти различия, но не то, что сами люди их теряют)

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, thank you! It's a relieve to know my writing is not as bad as I thought)
Буду стараться тогда на 8. И над артиклями поработаю, спасибо за совет.

relief

[Maimiti_Isabella]

... .

necessity + to is OK.

[Эсмеральда]

Подскажите, пожалуйста о чём писать в эссе, тема которого :
"There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?"