My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[DKA]

DKA,
by depriving themselves of leisure pursuits they destroy their health - I thought that " leisure pursuits" is a collacation that means something like " free-time activities".

Oh cool. sorry, didn't get it at the first place. my bad. get to know something new every day

[DKA]

your major problem is English and would definitely concentrate on this aspect at this stage. You've got a lot of ground to cover.

Thanks for your piece of advice Maimiti_Isabella. It is a pretty broad field. Is there anything in particular do you think I need to concentrate on in my English?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Thanks for your piece of advice Maimiti_Isabella. It is a pretty broad field. Is there anything in particular do you think I need to concentrate on in my English?

The way I see it, you need to concentrate first on enriching your vocabulary. At this stage it's not up to the level, and I don't mean individual words but rather focusing on 'how do you say this'. Collocations also seems to be a way to go, i.e. there's nothing wrong with 'job market' or 'leisure pursuits'. Again, it's only the letter that I read carefully and this is not enough to define the problem.

Another thing that seems to be an issue is the word forms. For example here's a message you sent to Goran Dražić:

the essay was written by me a couple of days ago, just didn't have time to create my own account then. I'm absolutely agree with your comments on my essay, there is a room for improvement.

The text highlighted in red sounds unnatural. There's no need for Passive here at all -> I wrote this essay a couple of days ago. Next, a person aiming at 8 in IETLS is not allowed to make mistakes like the one highlighted in green. In English, 'agree' is a verb, and thus doesn't require any auxiliary verbs -> I agree. And the last thing. While in informal English the comma (highlighted in blue) in this sentence is OK I hope you realise that this is not the case as far as the essay writing skills are concerned.

I'm sorry if I've disappointed you but I don't believe in hiding the truth in cases like that; I don't find it helpful.

On the other hand, as I already mentioned, I don't feel that letter writing is representative enough of your writing ability. So, I hope to get another essay to have a closer look and to form a more balanced opinion.

[Silk_Road]

Друзья подскажите, где можно скачать полную pdf версию Cambridge IELTS 4 и 6, у меня есть но General Module отсутствует. Заранее спасибо за ответ

[DKA]

The way I see it, you need to concentrate first on enriching your vocabulary. At this stage it's not up to the level, and I don't mean individual words but rather focusing on 'how do you say this'. Collocations also seems to be a way to go, i.e. there's nothing wrong with 'job market' or 'leisure pursuits'. Again, it's only the letter that I read carefully and this is not enough to define the problem.
...
On the other hand, as I already mentioned, I don't feel that letter writing is representative enough of your writing ability. So, I hope to get another essay to have a closer look and to form a more balanced opinion.

Thanks a lot for your explanations here. I really appreciate it. I've been researching a lot last couple days and wrote another essay this morning. Hope to see some more constructive critics here.



Money is the single motivational factor for success in any work field. How far you agree with this?



Motivation at a workplace is an interesting field of study. For instance, it is suggested by many that money is the only incentive. Although, wealth is seen as an illustration of a success in life; a pay rise can hardly motivate people to work more efficiently because of the reasons explained below. In my opinion, other motivational factors are more important even though they are often overlooked.

Money can be defined as an object accepted as a payment for goods and services. By all means, motivation is a process that maintains certain behaviour. Consequently, money as an object cannot be a part of the above process. In other words, an employee’s pay rise will increase one’s productivity for a short period of time. Thereupon, his or her expanses match the previous income rise the efficiency will usually decline to a previously recorded level.

In reality there are many other ways to encourage employees at a workplace. First of all, according to many scientists, the more valuable subordinates feel about their work, the more productive they are. To put it differently, a simple notice of an accomplishment of a task from an employee’s management can be a great incentive by itself. Secondly, a workplace environment, such as conditions of air-conditioning, lightening etcetera, plays an essential role in job productivity.

To recapitulate, despite the fact that money are seen as an important factor in our life; they cannot make people feel better about what they do. For this reason, unlike workplace environment and management attention, money cannot be seen as a motivational factor at a workplace.



I only came up with two body paragraphs in this assay, not too sure if that's ok.

[Maria Mirabell]

"]Maria Mirabell who got a 9 and, therefore, much more reliable than I am. [/I]

Я уж по- русски напишу, если Вы не против. Мне моя девятка далась нелегко, я много старалась, чтобы ее получить. Но экзаменатором АЙЛТС я от этого не стала. Поэтому не возьму на себя смелость править чьи то работы.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Я уж по- русски напишу, если Вы не против. Мне моя девятка далась нелегко, я много старалась, чтобы ее получить. Но экзаменатором АЙЛТС я от этого не стала. Поэтому не возьму на себя смелость править чьи то работы.

Ну уж английский-то вы 'править' вполне можете: он у вас native-like. Зачем уж так скормничать-то. Здесь много людей, которые будут вам благодарны за помощь.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Money is the single motivational factor for success in any work field. How far you agree with this?

Темы IELTS так не формулируются. Да и на Chinglish_e не бывают.
Неужели Вы грубейшую грамматическую ошибку в теме не видите?

Motivation at a workplace is an interesting field of study

What's the focus of the essay? - 'motivation' and how it's researched and studied. So, judging from the first sentence of the essay, you will follow up with different factors and sources contributing to motivation i.e. this is going to be a cause and effect essay. This means that from the very beginning you're failing the task achievement criterion.

For instance, it is suggested by many that money is the only incentive

'The only incentive' for doing what? - for studying motivation? A serious coherence issue.

Overall, I'd be surprised if this essay will get you anything above 6.5.

And again, I do suggest you invest some time into upping your level of English: there're too many problems right now.

Please note that I'm not here to teach English to anyone and will only look at a couple of essays for evaluative purposes and general guidance.

[Anmíng]

. I guess in real exam you would get about 4.5 for TA.

are you sure it would get 4.5? the universiry Im going to apply accepts results from 5.0, this means that I only lack 0.5! what can I do to increse my result? and what is TA?

[Goran Dražić]

are you sure it would get 4.5? the universiry Im going to apply accepts results from 5.0, this means that I only lack 0.5! what can I do to increse my result? and what is TA?

I was talking about task achievement mark, not the final mark. You didn't answer the essay question at all, that's why I don't see how you could get a good mark in it. The other components are better, so I guess the final mark for writing can be about 5.5 or 6.

To avoid problems with TA, first answer the question in short, then develop your idea and write a short plan. In case of your essay, it can be like this:
Short answer - it is necessary and they have a right.
Developing the idea - people don't see the whole picture of the fluctuations of population - governments do. Individuals cannot improve the situations on their own.
And so on. I believe you got the idea.

I also had some problems with TA in the beginning. This technique helped me a lot. You can check some of my essays with plans and everything in this thread.

[DKA]

Темы IELTS так не формулируются. Да и на Chinglish_e не бывают.
Неужели Вы грубейшую грамматическую ошибку в теме не видите?

What's the focus of the essay? - 'motivation' and how it's researched and studied. So, judging from the first sentence of the essay, you will follow up with different factors and sources contributing to motivation i.e. this is going to be a cause and effect essay. This means that from the very beginning you're failing the task achievement criterion.

'The only incentive' for doing what? - for studying motivation? A serious coherence issue.

Overall, I'd be surprised if this essay will get you anything above 6.5.

And again, I do suggest you invest some time into upping your level of English: there're too many problems right now.

Please note that I'm not here to teach English to anyone and will only look at a couple of essays for evaluative purposes and general guidance.

Cool. No problem. Thanks a lot for your feedback. Gonna look for a good ielts teacher here.

[Maria Mirabell]

Am I accepted or hired or something?

I haven't seen anywhere any information about the necessity of outline sentences. In fact I am totally against phrases like "via the analysis of".
As for the space question the right thing for you to do was to ask for additional sheet of paper. You would have lost time of course, but your conscience would be clear. Again, I don't know if they can mark down your essay for that. I wanna say they won't because I don't see the component of the mark that could be affected.

Goran, what did you get for your writing if you don't mind my asking?

[Goran Dražić]

Groan, what did you get for your writing if you don't mind my asking?

My name is not Groan
I don't mind and it was 7.5.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Cool. No problem. Thanks a lot for your feedback. Gonna look for a good ielts teacher here.

And don't forget that it's mostly English you need to work on, so get some textbooks and start working through them. To get an 8 you'd need a good proficiency level.

[Maria Mirabell]

My name is not Groan
I don't mind and it was 7.5.

Goran Your English is pretty good. A 7.5 seems to be a low mark for you. You must have done something wrong in "Task Achievement". What do you think?