My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maria Mirabell]

I 've got a question for Goran.
I got 9 in writing the previous time (approx. a month ago), so I am sort of aware of the requirements... But I am not exactly familiar with the internal marking criteria... What happened today was I forgot to write an outline sentence in the introduction. At the end I did not have enough time to write a proper one, I just wrote something like, "This essay will put forward the notion that ...(blah blah) via the analysis of .... It turned out to be a thesis and outline combined in one sentence. Now I am a bit worried. Are they gonna take away a lot of marks for this? I need 8 minimum.
And another little question. As usual I ran out of space and wrote the last sentence of the first task between the last writing line and the space for markers' comments. Are they gonna punish me for this?
They seem to be silly questions, but when aiming at a higher score, everything matters.
Thanks!

[Goran Dražić]

These comments are way better than from other "markers". Congrats on this, Goran.

Am I accepted or hired or something?

I 've got a question for Goran.
I got 9 in writing the previous time (approx. a month ago), so I am sort of aware of the requirements... But I am not exactly familiar with the internal marking criteria... What happened today was I forgot to write an outline sentence in the introduction. At the end I did not have enough time to write a proper one, I just wrote something like, "This essay will put forward the notion that ...(blah blah) via the analysis of .... It turned out to be a thesis and outline combined in one sentence. Now I am a bit worried. Are they gonna take away a lot of marks for this? I need 8 minimum.
And another little question. As usual I ran out of space and wrote the last sentence of the first task between the last writing line and the space for markers' comments. Are they gonna punish me for this?
They seem to be silly questions, but when aiming at a higher score, everything matters.
Thanks!

I haven't seen anywhere any information about the necessity of outline sentences. In fact I am totally against phrases like "via the analysis of".
As for the space question the right thing for you to do was to ask for additional sheet of paper. You would have lost time of course, but your conscience would be clear. Again, I don't know if they can mark down your essay for that. I wanna say they won't because I don't see the component of the mark that could be affected.

[DKA]

Hello Parent, I have some comments on your son's essay, and I believe they can be usefull.

Lets look at task achivement. First, lets look at the introduction. Normally introduction is used to state the topic of the essay. In this essay, however, only one point of view is introduced. Moreover, it is introduced as author's point of view. The most popular technique for writing introduction is the following: several general statements narrowing down to the topic of the essay -> stating the topic(problem) including all opinions mentioned in the task-> opinion.

Another problem that I see is that body paragraphs do not address the topic directly. Topic sentences in second and third body paragraphs are not directly relevant to the topic. This makes the essay look like notes not like a discursive essay.



Coherence and cohesion. Problems:

• Two sentences in introduction are not connected. The first one is too general; the second one is closely connected to the topic, and doesn't have anything in common with the first one.
• Those goods and services do exist. I don't see the purpose of this sentense. Is it needed for the development of the idea of the paragraph?
• Eventually, it is hard to find... - eventually is not suitable here; after all is.
• Therefore, in order to keep boosting economies... - I don't therefore think suitable here. As a result would sound much better.
• Surprisingly, those goods were not necessarily purchased a long time ago - it is unclear from the essay why is this fact surprising, and what is the purpose of the linker.

As for grammar and vocabulary, I don't see any major problem here.



Some other problems:

• I can only agree with the above statement to a certain extent - I can only agree means the only thing I can do is to agree. The correct option here would be I can agree with the above statement only to a certain extent
• advertisement blocks provide as useful information as news when watching television - it is not clear whether when watching television referes to both ad blocks and news or to news only. Should be paraphrased somehow.
• Consumerism became a new “religion” for many people in Western society - has become would sound much better, since consumerism can be seen nowadays -> result
• this process cannot continue forever...manufacturers commenced using advertising - I would use same tense forms here. This way it sounds like there still is no problem for manufacturers, but they started to deal with it in the past.
• Even though in some cases advertisements can be used as reliable sources of relevant information, its reputation has been lost. - incorrect pronoun.

I guess the reason why your son got only 7 for writing is problem with TA and CC. Luckily, these problems take much less time to correct.
I hope my notes will be of some value for you. Goran.

Thank you very much for the time you spent reading the essay and writing a very constructive respond Goran, the essay was written by me a couple of days ago, just didn't have time to create my own account then. I'm absolutely agree with your comments on my essay, there is a room for improvement.

And that's my respond to the task 1 of the General test. Hopefully someone can mark this one also.

Thanks for reading guys

WRITING TASK 1
You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.
You and your family are living in rented accommodation in an English speaking country. You are not satisfied with the condition of some of the furniture. Write a letter to the landlord. In your letter
• introduce yourself
• explain what is wrong with the furniture
• say what action you would like the landlord to take

Dear landlord,

My name is Dmitry Ivanov. My family and I have recently moved into your property located at 15 Blackeney st in Stones Corner.

The place is partly furnished. However, unfortunately, after living in the house for two days, some of the problems with the furniture in the dining room have become critical. A dining table’s leg has come loose which makes the table unstable. Additionally, two of the four chairs are wobbly and sitting on them seems dangerous.

The above pieces of furniture together with the other two chairs of the dining set have been moved to the veranda and replaced with our own ones. It would be very much appreciated if you could take the unsafe set away as soon as possible. Nevertheless, it is up to you if you want to fix the furniture and bring it back as we are happy to have our own table and chairs in the dining room.

Kind regards,

Dmitry Ivanov.

[Parent]

Hello Parent, I have some comments on your son's essay, and I believe they can be usefull.

Lets look at task achivement. First, lets look at the introduction. Normally introduction is used to state the topic of the essay. In this essay, however, only one point of view is introduced. Moreover, it is introduced as author's point of view. The most popular technique for writing introduction is the following: several general statements narrowing down to the topic of the essay -> stating the topic(problem) including all opinions mentioned in the task-> opinion.

Another problem that I see is that body paragraphs do not address the topic directly. Topic sentences in second and third body paragraphs are not directly relevant to the topic. This makes the essay look like notes not like a discursive essay.


Coherence and cohesion. Problems:

• Two sentences in introduction are not connected. The first one is too general; the second one is closely connected to the topic, and doesn't have anything in common with the first one.
• Those goods and services do exist. I don't see the purpose of this sentense. Is it needed for the development of the idea of the paragraph?
• Eventually, it is hard to find... - eventually is not suitable here; after all is.
• Therefore, in order to keep boosting economies... - I don't therefore think suitable here. As a result would sound much better.
• Surprisingly, those goods were not necessarily purchased a long time ago - it is unclear from the essay why is this fact surprising, and what is the purpose of the linker.

As for grammar and vocabulary, I don't see any major problem here.


Some other problems:

• I can only agree with the above statement to a certain extent - I can only agree means the only thing I can do is to agree. The correct option here would be I can agree with the above statement only to a certain extent
• advertisement blocks provide as useful information as news when watching television - it is not clear whether when watching television referes to both ad blocks and news or to news only. Should be paraphrased somehow.
• Consumerism became a new “religion” for many people in Western society - has become would sound much better, since consumerism can be seen nowadays -> result
• this process cannot continue forever...manufacturers commenced using advertising - I would use same tense forms here. This way it sounds like there still is no problem for manufacturers, but they started to deal with it in the past.
• Even though in some cases advertisements can be used as reliable sources of relevant information, its reputation has been lost. - incorrect pronoun.

I guess the reason why your son got only 7 for writing is problem with TA and CC. Luckily, these problems take much less time to correct.
I hope my notes will be of some value for you. Goran.

Thank you very, very, very much, Goran!!! Your comment should be very useful! My son will be posting his essay by himself from now on.

[Brumby]

Goran Dražić, добрый вечер! Пожалуйста посмотрите мое эссе!! Оцените по всей строгости. Заранее благодарна!!!

Many people think that nowadays people are being subjected to more and more pressure in their work, and thus are having less and less time to relax.
What is your opinion?

I would not come as a surprise that modern pace of life forces people to work hard in order to succeed in life. It seems that in order to make a great career one should sacrifice their private life and leisure time.

To begin with, this tendency can be attributed to the fact that everything is changing very fast and a person should be prepared to adjust to new demands. For example, having a diploma of prestigious university is not enough to land a job. Nowadays, an employee is expected to know a few languages, computer science and have much other additional knowledge. Consequently, despite spending time in the cinema or at a tennis court people dedicate all their spare time to developing necessary skills that can enable them to find a better job in the future.

Another great factor which makes our life even more stressful is fierce competition on the job market. The oversupply of workforce enables potential employers to be fastidious when it comes to choosing an employee. No wonder that so many workers are ready to give up their well-deserved holidays and work unsociable hours in order to preserve their positions.

Personally, I believe that such lifestyle takes tall on people’s health and leads to nervous breakdown. Moreover, hardly is it possible to maintain a good standard of work for a long time when employees suffer from a lack of sleep and cannot enjoy their normal life.

In conclusion, both the economic situation and people’s personal ambitions to make a go of their careers encourage people to work hard. However, it is important to remember that by depriving themselves of leisure pursuits they destroy their health and consequently affect negatively their performance at work.

Спасибо!

[Goran Dražić]

Brumby, nothing personal, but I don't like when I am asked to check an essay. The pressure kills the pleasure. Edit your message, and maybe someone else will check it.

[Brumby]

Goran Dražić, I didn't mean to somehow stress you out. Sorry if I did. I just liked your works and thought you could help me when you had some spare minutes. And of course I appreciate so much any help from every member of this site.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

And that's my respond to the task 1 of the General test. Hopefully someone can mark this one also.

Thanks for reading guys

WRITING TASK 1
You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.
You and your family are living in rented accommodation in an English speaking country. You are not satisfied with the condition of some of the furniture. Write a letter to the landlord. In your letter
• introduce yourself
• explain what is wrong with the furniture
• say what action you would like the landlord to take

Dear landlord,

My name is Dmitry Ivanov. My family and I have recently moved into your property located at 15 Blackeney st in Stones Corner.

The place is partly furnished. However, unfortunately, after living in the house for two days, some of the problems with the furniture in the dining room have become critical. A dining table’s leg has come loose which makes the table unstable. Additionally, two of the four chairs are wobbly and sitting on them seems dangerous.

The above pieces of furniture together with the other two chairs of the dining set have been moved to the veranda and replaced with our own ones. It would be very much appreciated if you could take the unsafe set away as soon as possible. Nevertheless, it is up to you if you want to fix the furniture and bring it back as we are happy to have our own table and chairs in the dining room.

Kind regards,

Dmitry Ivanov.

Generally, it's a very interesting approach to the task. I love it! The organisation of the letter is appropriate and the task is answered. No problems here at all, as afai can see.

There are several problems with your English, and this would reflect negatively on your overall mark. First of all, an 8 in IELTS is, as a said already, a healthy proficiency level. This is what educated native speakers usually get without any preparation. And this this what you should aim at, the level of English, I mean.

Now, to some of the problems.
15 Blackeney st - I hope it's a typo, but if not, then it's a spelling mistake. -> St

However, unfortunately, - one would've been quite enough!

in the dining room have become critical - two problems here. One is with the coherence. The sentence means that there were problems already when you moved in but now they 'have become critical'. If this is true, then where's the initial introduction to these problems? Secondly, check the meaning of 'critical'. I don't think this is what you mean. Critical is a word too strong what you want to say. How about 'emerged'?

A dining table’s leg has come loose which makes the table unstable - The sentence would benefit from a comma before the relative clause.

Additionally, two of the four chairs are wobbly and sitting on them seems dangerous - this a really interesting case and if you were looking at anything below 8 I wouldn't have even mentioned the problem here. Do you know what parallel structures are? -> and dangerous to sit on.

it is up to you if - I'm not sure this is appropriate. Personally I wouldn't use it here as it sounds a bit rude. What in effect you are saying is that you don't care one way or another and basically the landlord is welcome to 'get lost' .

I'm not really comfortable with evaluating a letter but I think you're looking at 7.5. And this is the same impression I was having with the essay, which your dad published here. There could be an 8 but I wouldn't bet on it and anyway, to get a solid 8 you need to aim for higher.

On the other hand, a couple of people have recently stated that I'm not good at scoring and commenting so I apologise for any hardship my comments my cause and am looking forward to the comments from Kukaracha and especially from Maria Mirabell, who got a 9 and, therefore, much more reliable than I am.

[DKA]

Goran Dražić, добрый вечер! Пожалуйста посмотрите мое эссе!! Оцените по всей строгости. Заранее благодарна!!!

Many people think that nowadays people are being subjected to more and more pressure in their work, and thus are having less and less time to relax.
What is your opinion?

I would not come as a surprise that modern pace of life forces people to work hard in order to succeed in life. It seems that in order to make a great career one should sacrifice their private life and leisure time.

To begin with, this tendency can be attributed to the fact that everything is changing very fast and a person should be prepared to adjust to new demands. For example, having a diploma of prestigious university is not enough to land a job. Nowadays, an employee is expected to know a few languages, computer science and have much other additional knowledge. Consequently, despite spending time in the cinema or at a tennis court people dedicate all their spare time to developing necessary skills that can enable them to find a better job in the future.

Another great factor which makes our life even more stressful is fierce competition on the job market. The oversupply of workforce enables potential employers to be fastidious when it comes to choosing an employee. No wonder that so many workers are ready to give up their well-deserved holidays and work unsociable hours in order to preserve their positions.

Personally, I believe that such lifestyle takes tall on people’s health and leads to nervous breakdown. Moreover, hardly is it possible to maintain a good standard of work for a long time when employees suffer from a lack of sleep and cannot enjoy their normal life.

In conclusion, both the economic situation and people’s personal ambitions to make a go of their careers encourage people to work hard. However, it is important to remember that by depriving themselves of leisure pursuits they destroy their health and consequently affect negatively their performance at work.

Спасибо!

The essay wasn't easy to read. It doesn't even look like 6 to me to be honest
I can guarantee that you cannot get a good mark on the IELTS if there is a mistake in the first sentence. I would not come as a surprise Why would you wanna come as a surprise? I guess what u meant was "It would not come as a surprise"

Then later on in the introduction you repeat yourself saying "in order to" twice within an interval of 6 words.

For example, having a diploma of prestigious university is not enough to land a job Again don't really understand why would u wanna land a job?

Nowadays, an employee is expected to know a few languages, computer science and have much other additional knowledge.
There are several problems with this sentence. First of all it is very arguable, as not every employee is expected to be that much educated. Secondly you use know and knowledge in the same sentence, not too sure if that would be considered as repetition, but I would rather not risk. Also the sentence structure seems confusing. I'd write it as "Nowadays, an employee is expected to speak a few languages, be familiar with computers and many more"

fierce competition on the job market Hmmm not sure if a job market is a correct way of saying that. Labour market definitely is


Personally, I believe that such lifestyle takes tall on people’s health and leads to nervous breakdown. It is very common to see that an English speaker uses plural forms of nouns when speaking generally. I'd use nervous breakdownS

Moreover, hardly is it possible to maintain - Incorrect word order. It is hardly possible to maintain. Noun then verb!!!

In the first sentence of the conclusion. You repeat "people" twice. Again not to sure if that could be an issue when your essay is market, but I would rather avoid the repetition.

However, it is important to remember that by depriving themselves of leisure pursuits they destroy their health and consequently affect negatively their performance at work. Sorry but I cannot understand the last sentence. 'pursuits" is the verb, but what does it refer to? where is the noun?

I hope my respond will help you out somehow. Even though I never got higher then 7 in writing myself. Guess other participants might find more mistakes
Good luck

[DKA]

Many thanks Maimiti_Isabella. I didn't know that "St" always starts with a capital letter and will definitely research "double structures" now.
Also I can see that there were the same coherence issues in both of my essays that I've uploaded here.

At least I know what I need to work on to get my desired 8.

Additionally thank you very much for marking it as 7.5, it's quite a progress for me since I took the exam last time, but that was about 6 months ago. I guess my English has gone better lately.

Many many thanks again.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Many thanks Maimiti_Isabella. I didn't know that "St" always starts with a capital letter and will definitely research "double structures" now.
Also I can see that there were the same coherence issues in both of my essays that I've uploaded here.

At least I know what I need to work on to get my desired 8.

Additionally thank you very much for marking it as 7.5, it's quite a progress for me since I took the exam last time, but that was about 6 months ago. I guess my English has gone better lately.

Many many thanks again.

I'd like to clarify a couple of points, so that we are on the same wavelength. 7.5 is my impression for the letter. Generally, it's easier to write a letter than an essay and this is one of the reasons why it weighs less at the exam.
Secondly, I believe your major problem is English and would definitely concentrate on this aspect at this stage. You've got a lot of ground to cover.

[Anmíng]

Some governments say how many children a family can have in their country. They may control the number of children someone has through taxes.
Is it sometimes necessary and right for a government to control the population in this way? Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer.

In today’s world overpopulation is a very important issue. During the last hundred years the population of earth has trebled and is now continuing to increase. This threatens the environment, causing pollution and other kinds of harm. In many parts of the world people suffer because of lack of important supplies such as water and are close to running out of other vital resources. People have gone through scientific progress due to which they were able to prolong life and there’s almost no natural control of overpopulation anymore. This means that governments of the countries should do it themselves before it is too late and those bad consequences take place.
Many governments use different measures to restrict their populations. One of the most effective ways of doing that would be implementation of special taxes. Those families who are going to have a child will have to pay, and the more children they want to have the higher amount of money they would be charged monthly. Also there are some less effective means such as asking people to use contraceptives and handing them out for free. Actually in some poor countries women are not aware of the consequences to which it leads, so therefore there should be access to consultations on family planning for all the members of society.
Of course there are religious people who would disagree with means like that saying it’s not allowed for humans to interfere with issues of that kind according to their faith. On one hand it’s true, but on the other hand since world has chosen scientific way of development and most of the things around us are there because of science, we should use methods of overpopulation control based on science, not religion, which is gradually being pushed to the background and is losing its significance. In previous years when our society lived in consistence with the laws of religion we didn’t need any artificial means for that control.
I agree with the idea of the author. As I see it this would stop the alarming trend which we experience today and prevent us from going into times when paying for air becomes reality. This would help us save our planet earth with its inhabitants and preserve it from further disruption.

[Brumby]

DKA, I am so grateful to you for checking my essay!!! Thank you!
I will pay more attention to the word repetition issues and be careful with the word order.
Moreover, hardly is it possible to maintain- I intended to imphasize and wanted to use inversion here. Failed.
by depriving themselves of leisure pursuits they destroy their health - I thought that " leisure pursuits" is a collacation that means something like " free-time activities".

Your corrections are extremely helpful for me. Thanks a lot!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

DKA,

by depriving themselves of leisure pursuits they destroy their health - This is a very good sentence!

[Goran Dražić]

Some governments say how many children a family can have in their country. They may control the number of children someone has through taxes.
Is it sometimes necessary and right for a government to control the population in this way? Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer.

In today’s world overpopulation is a very important issue. During the last hundred years the population of the earth has trebled and is now continuing to increase. This threatens the environment, causing pollution and other kinds of harm. In many parts of the world people suffer because of lack of important supplies such as water and are close to running out of other vital resources. People have gone through scientific progress due to which they were able to prolong life, and there’s almost no natural control of overpopulation anymore. This means that governments of the countries should do it themselves before it is too late, and those bad consequences take place.
Many governments use different measures to restrict their populations. One of the most effective ways of doing that would be implementation of special taxes. Those families who are going to have a child will have to pay, and the more children they want to have the higher amount of money they would be charged monthly. Also there are some less effective means such as asking people to use contraceptives and handing them out for free. Actually in some poor countries women are not aware of the consequences to which it leads, so therefore there should be access to consultations on family planning for all the members of society.
Of course there are religious people who would disagree with means like that saying it’s not allowed for humans to interfere with issues of that kind according to their faith. On the one hand it’s true, but on the other hand since world has chosen scientific way of development and most of the things around us are there because of science, we should use methods of overpopulation control based on science, not religion, which is gradually being pushed to the background and is losing its significance. In previous years when our society lived in consistence with the laws of religion, we didn’t need any artificial means for that control.
I agree with the idea of the author. As I see it this would stop the alarming trend which we experience today and prevent us from going into times when paying for air becomes reality. This would help us save our planet the earth with its inhabitants and preserve it from further disruption.

Hello, Anmíng. It's not a very good piece of writing . If it was a real exam, your essay would be marked down. And here is why:

Task achievement. This is the part you did the worst in. The question you were supposed to answer was "Is it sometimes necessary and right for a government to control the population in this way?". First problem is that you didn't show in your introduction what is the topic of your essay(whether the government have the right ...). The topic of the first body paragraph is "ways of keeping the number of population under control", and it is again irrelevant. Moving further. The topic of second body paragraph is "science vs religion" - still irrelevant. Finally in conclusion you say that you are agree with the idea of the author, which is weird since the only author here is you. And actually there are no idea in essay topic to agree with; there is only a question asking whether you agree with ... it is necessary. In conclusion there is still no answer to the main question. I guess in real exam you would get about 4.5 for TA. My final comment on your TA would be the following: why did you assume that government should control only overpopulation. A lot of european countries experience quite opposite problems. There is no indication in this topic that controling the population = dealing with overpopulation.

Grammar: Some of the mistakes I noticed are in red.

Vocabulary: There are some problems with vocabulary. It didn't actually sound english to me. There are not many vocabulary mistakes, but still it doesn't sound right.

Some other comments:

• Contractions are the sign of informal style. Try to avoid them. (There's, it's)
• Avoid phrases like "and other kinds of", "of other", "of that kind", "means like that". If you have something particular in mind - write it, otherwise just put a full stop and start a new sentense.
• It is not a good idea to link overpopulation to religion. If the marker were a religios person, they probobly wouldn't appreciate it.

My personal favourite parts are:

...asking people to use contraceptives and handing them out for free. Actually in some poor countries women are not aware of the consequences to which it leads...

Many governments use different measures to restrict their(governments?) populations.

These last comments have nothing to do with the assessment of your writing. I included it just for fun. No offence.