My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Esperanca]

здравствуйте, Esperanca.
нажимаете "цитировать", и в тексте, в котором работаете, мазюкаете нужными цветами, добавляете смайлики, редактируете и т.д.

Мазюкать разными цветами не получается почему-то.

[Brumby]

Привет Всем!!!
Родилось еще одно сочинение!! Буду очень признательна ЛЮБОЙ критике и благодарю заранее за Вашу помощь!!!!!
Всем отличного дня!

Many people believe that advertising directed by the junk food and toy companies have an adverse effect on young children and their families. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give appropriate reasons for your claims and include examples where necessary.

Since the times immemorial parents have had to resolve to different tricks to make children eat porridge or learn lessons . Toys and candies have always made a miracle and saved adults having to spend hours on calming down a naughty child. No wonder that many junk food companies capitalize on this and produce vivid advertisings of their products. Even though their activity does not go against the law it has aroused a great amount of controversy.

Personally, I tend to agree that children as well as their parents are negatively affected by this kind of adverts. Firstly, those children who watch television are not always mature enough to distinguish whether some product is beneficial for them or not. More often than not they tend to believe to everything what is on TV and it means that if there is a happy child devouring chips they immediately want to try it.

Secondly, there are many adverts promoting luxurious goods which are aimed at certain wealthy clients. Nevertheless, while adults do realize that they cannot afford to buy it that is not always the case for their offspring. As a result parents face much difficulty making children to realize that these toys are beyond their means. In addition, such a revelation may cause frustration and depression for sensitive young minds.

Finally, such companies as Mucdonal’s has gone further to exploit kid’s desire to obtain a bright new toy. To parent’s dismay they have created very attractive-looking toys which are being sold only with a meal consisting of a gumburger and French fries. Therefore, it is impossible to get a toy without eating some junk food.

All things considered, I believe that in most cases advertising companies do not pay much attention to young people wellbeing and produce campaigns with the only goal to earn as much revenue as possible.

[Sefardim]

Всем Добрый вечер!
Огромная благодарность тому, кто проверит мое первое сочинение для IELTS теста (сдаю в январе). Необходимая и правильная критика очень сильно приветствуется.
Заранее спасибо!

In many countries today insufficient respect shown to older people.
What do you think may be the reasons for this?
What problems might this cause in society?

For the last few decades and especially now it is a little homage that has been shown to senior people all over the world. It is no wonder that some particular reasons have been causing this. So, what are they?

Firstly, the effect of TV, radio and computer should be mentioned in my report. So many young people nowadays are spending free time playing computer games that so deliberately impose violence on us that lead to the total negligence of close relatives and change our state of mind completely. Therefore, being busy while immersed intirely in the world of virtual reality we do not even understand that our grandmothers and grandfathers, leave alone mothers and fathers, get gradually more and more distanced from us. I am not afraid to say that entertainment and play industry in particular are the hoggers of our soul, our mind and our families.

Secondly, it is not only about the new technology that has a side effect, but also about changing priorities. People now aim to get as much money as possible, to buy a superb car or a villa in a faraway country. Having considered that it is quite sensible to ask a question. Are people happy with their luxury? I tend to think that they are not. It is obvious that sometimes we can buy things to be happy and content, but relatives, good memories from your youth, hearty presents from your granny of cakes made by your grandma are priceless. All people should have it as the main priority in the life. Because love, unlike money, will never end if treated right.

Moving further some problems that may be caused by not respecting older people are worth mentioning. A few people think of the consequences of mistreating your older nearest and dearest. No one ever think that as time goes by we usually get what we sent to people before. Our children will regard us the same way we did it with our grandmas and grandpas.

Rounding up all written above I would like to say that the secret of healthy society is not in the money or the level of prosperity, but in the way people treat each other. Apparently, we must not forget this is order to feel what we desire to feel ones being parents of our children

[Esperanca]

Всем Добрый вечер!
Огромная благодарность тому, кто проверит мое первое сочинение для IELTS теста (сдаю в январе). Необходимая и правильная критика очень сильно приветствуется.
Заранее спасибо!

In many countries today insufficient respect shown to older people.
What do you think may be the reasons for this?
What problems might this cause in society?

For the last few decades and especially now it is a little homage that has been shown to senior people all over the world. It is no wonder that some particular reasons have been causing this. So, what are they?

Firstly, the effect of TV, radio and computer should be mentioned in my report. So many young people nowadays are spending free time playing computer games that so deliberately impose violence on us that lead to the total negligence of close relatives and change our state of mind completely. Therefore, being busy while immersed intirely in the world of virtual reality we do not even understand that our grandmothers and grandfathers, leave alone mothers and fathers, get gradually more and more distanced from us. I am not afraid to say that entertainment and play industry in particular are the hoggers of our soul, our mind and our families.

Secondly, it is not only about the new technology that has a side effect, but also about changing priorities. People now aim to get as much money as possible, to buy a superb car or a villa in a faraway country. Having considered that it is quite sensible to ask a question. Are people happy with their luxury? I tend to think that they are not. It is obvious that sometimes we can buy things to be happy and content, but relatives, good memories from your youth, hearty presents from your granny of cakes made by your grandma are priceless. All people should have it as the main priority in the life. Because love, unlike money, will never end if treated right.

Moving further some problems that may be caused by not respecting older people are worth mentioning. A few people think of the consequences of mistreating your older nearest and dearest. No one ever think that as time goes by we usually get what we sent to people before. Our children will regard us the same way we did it with our grandmas and grandpas.

Rounding up all written above I would like to say that the secret of healthy society is not in the money or the level of prosperity, but in the way people treat each other. Apparently, we must not forget this is order to feel what we desire to feel ones being parents of our children

Ошибок много, отмечу лишь некоторые.

1. Никогда не пишите в ессе вопросительных предложений, то есть не задавайте вопросы.
2. "Firstly, the effect of TV, radio and computer should be mentioned in my report." Это предложение вообще лишнее. Не нужно уведомлять о том, о чем Вы собираетесь писать. Тем более, что это не "report", а эссе, что абсолютно разные вещи.
3. Вы не ответили на второй вопрос задания - "What problems might this cause in society". Думаю, что Вы предприняли попытки что-то написать, но все это не про "society" в целом, а то, как дети будут относится к родителям - а это скорее относится к персональной проблеме, чем к социальной, общественной в целом.

[Sefardim]

Ошибок много, отмечу лишь некоторые.

1. Никогда не пишите в ессе вопросительных предложений, то есть не задавайте вопросы.
2. "Firstly, the effect of TV, radio and computer should be mentioned in my report." Это предложение вообще лишнее. Не нужно уведомлять о том, о чем Вы собираетесь писать. Тем более, что это не "report", а эссе, что абсолютно разные вещи.
3. Вы не ответили на второй вопрос задания - "What problems might this cause in society". Думаю, что Вы предприняли попытки что-то написать, но все это не про "society" в целом, а то, как дети будут относится к родителям - а это скорее относится к персональной проблеме, чем к социальной, общественной в целом.

Спасибо огромное. Теперь буду писать имею в виду Ваши советы. На какой бал примерно этот "шедевр" тянет?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

На какой бал примерно этот "шедевр" тянет?

где-то между 5.5 и 6.



Простите за нескромный вопрос, но как в Новороссийк попал sephardim?

[Brumby]

Привет Всем!!!
Родилось еще одно сочинение!! Буду очень признательна ЛЮБОЙ критике и благодарю заранее за Вашу помощь!!!!!
Всем отличного дня!

Many people believe that advertising directed by the junk food and toy companies have an adverse effect on young children and their families. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give appropriate reasons for your claims and include examples where necessary.

Since the times immemorial parents have had to resolve to different tricks to make children eat porridge or learn lessons . Toys and candies have always made a miracle and saved adults having to spend hours on calming down a naughty child. No wonder that many junk food companies capitalize on this and produce vivid advertisings of their products. Even though their activity does not go against the law it has aroused a great amount of controversy.

Personally, I tend to agree that children as well as their parents are negatively affected by this kind of adverts. Firstly, those children who watch television are not always mature enough to distinguish whether some product is beneficial for them or not. More often than not they tend to believe to everything what is on TV and it means that if there is a happy child devouring chips they immediately want to try it.

Secondly, there are many adverts promoting luxurious goods which are aimed at certain wealthy clients. Nevertheless, while adults do realize that they cannot afford to buy it that is not always the case for their offspring. As a result parents face much difficulty making children to realize that these toys are beyond their means. In addition, such a revelation may cause frustration and depression for sensitive young minds.

Finally, such companies as Mucdonal’s has gone further to exploit kid’s desire to obtain a bright new toy. To parent’s dismay they have created very attractive-looking toys which are being sold only with a meal consisting of a gumburger and French fries. Therefore, it is impossible to get a toy without eating some junk food.

All things considered, I believe that in most cases advertising companies do not pay much attention to young people wellbeing and produce campaigns with the only goal to earn as much revenue as possible.

Пожалуйста посмотрите мою работу!!! экз близится а Ваши Бесценные комментарии единственный шанс для меня улучшить свой performance.

[Sefardim]

где-то между 5.5 и 6.



Простите за нескромный вопрос, но как в Новороссийк попал sephardim?

Спасибо за Вашу оценку моего художества.
Отвечая на нескормный вопрос, буду краток=)
Sefardim - (евр.) испанец, что не имеет ни малейшего отношения к Sephardi Jews =)

PS может я и не точен. Это со слов одного моего американско-неамериканского товарища.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Привет Всем!!!
Родилось еще одно сочинение!! Буду очень признательна ЛЮБОЙ критике и благодарю заранее за Вашу помощь!!!!!
Всем отличного дня!

Many people believe that advertising directed by the junk food and toy companies have an adverse effect on young children and their families. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give appropriate reasons for your claims and include examples where necessary.

Since the times immemorial parents have had to resolve to different tricks to make children eat porridge or learn lessons . Toys and candies have always made a miracle and saved adults having to spend hours on calming down a naughty child. No wonder that many junk food companies capitalize on this and produce vivid advertisings of their products. Even though their activity does not go against the law it has aroused a great amount of controversy.

Personally, I tend to agree that children as well as their parents are negatively affected by this kind of adverts. Firstly, those children who watch television are not always mature enough to distinguish whether some product is beneficial for them or not. More often than not they tend to believe to everything what is on TV and it means that if there is a happy child devouring chips they immediately want to try it.

Secondly, there are many adverts promoting luxurious goods which are aimed at certain wealthy clients. Nevertheless, while adults do realize that they cannot afford to buy it that is not always the case for their offspring. As a result parents face much difficulty making children to realize that these toys are beyond their means. In addition, such a revelation may cause frustration and depression for sensitive young minds.

Finally, such companies as Mucdonal’s has gone further to exploit kid’s desire to obtain a bright new toy. To parent’s dismay they have created very attractive-looking toys which are being sold only with a meal consisting of a gumburger and French fries. Therefore, it is impossible to get a toy without eating some junk food.

All things considered, I believe that in most cases advertising companies do not pay much attention to young people wellbeing and produce campaigns with the only goal to earn as much revenue as possible.

Первое, каким образом выделенное красным соответствует теме эссе? Или toys and junk food - luxury items?

Второе, я что-то совсем запуталась: о чем ваш второй абзац, т.е. о каких this kind of adverts идет речь? В задании упоминаются 2, Вы во вступлении вроде как начали с игрушек, а потом перешли на рекламу еды. А о чем первое предложение во втором абзаце - вообще не понятно.

Заключение (выделенное зеленым) вообще не соответствует теме эссе.

Итак, общий итог - большие проблемы с coherence, а также раскрытием темы эссе.

[Brumby]

Первое, каким образом выделенное красным соответствует теме эссе? Или toys and junk food - luxury items?

Второе, я что-то совсем запуталась: о чем ваш второй абзац, т.е. о каких this kind of adverts идет речь? В задании упоминаются 2, Вы во вступлении вроде как начали с игрушек, а потом перешли на рекламу еды. А о чем первое предложение во втором абзаце - вообще не понятно.

Заключение (выделенное зеленым) вообще не соответствует теме эссе.

Итак, общий итог - большие проблемы с coherence, а также раскрытием темы эссе.

Спасибо большое за проверку!!! Я очень ждала Ваших комментариев!!
Я попыталась подобрать синоним для дорогих игрушек и поэтому многим недоступных игрушек-luxury items-все что пришло в голову.
Про kind of adverts- это те самые vivid and tricky ads упомянутые в первом параграфе. Как было бы лучше переделать это предложение чтобы соответсвовало логике?
Заключение- согласна, далеко от идеала. Не занала что написать и время уже все лимиты переходило.
Я буду очень стараться Вы только скажите!!!!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Спасибо большое за проверку!!! Я очень ждала Ваших комментариев!!
Я попыталась подобрать синоним для дорогих игрушек и поэтому многим недоступных игрушек-luxury items-все что пришло в голову.
Про kind of adverts- это те самые vivid and tricky ads упомянутые в первом параграфе. Как было бы лучше переделать это предложение чтобы соответсвовало логике?
Заключение- согласна, далеко от идеала. Не занала что написать и время уже все лимиты переходило.
Я буду очень стараться Вы только скажите!!!!

А почему вы вообще говорите о дорогих игрушках? The essay task doesn't specify what kind of toys we are talking about. This means you're welcome to mention expensive toys as an example but this can't be the main idea of the paragraph.

Next, as far as 'this kind of adverts' is concerned, the only one mentioned in the first paragraph were those for junk food. Is your first body paragraph about junk food? If yes, how do we know this? If not, what is it about?

BTW, what's Mucdonal’s?

[ovel]

Посмотрите пожалуйста. Цель 4.5-5. Т.е. важно понять, тянет ли это эссе на данную оценку или нет, нужные исправления для более высокой оценки я и сам могу сделать Заранее спасибо!



essay: People should be allowed to continue to work for as long as they want to, and not to be forced to retire at a particular age such as 60 and 65. Do you agree or disagree?

To work or not to work after a particular age such as 60 and 65 years old? This question every individual solves in different ways. I agree that it is a very important issue. There are very much arguments for and against this idea, I need to listen to both supporters and opponents of this view before I agree or disagree.

Regarding arguments for opportunity for people to work after their particular age 60 \65 years old, there are a number of them. On the one hand it gives a freedom for choice a working age by yourself. Another reason for that opinion is that working for a long time gives an opportunity to earn additional money as a salary, for example.

With regard to arguments against long working time after years 60 or 65, there are several of them. On the other hand if people continue working more than they should, they might gain health issues. In addition, I would like to remember that time after 60 or 65 years old is the time for relaxation, and all people should spend this time for long holidays.

Taking everything into consideration, I find it possible to conclude that I tend to agree with idea that people may choose to work or not to work after their retirement age. However, it depends.

[Naffania]

Посмотрите пожалуйста. Цель 4.5-5. Т.е. важно понять, тянет ли это эссе на данную оценку или нет, нужные исправления для более высокой оценки я и сам могу сделать Заранее спасибо!



essay: People should be allowed to continue to work for as long as they want to, and not to be forced to retire at a particular age such as 60 and 65. Do you agree or disagree?

To work or not to work after a particular age such as 60 and 65 years old? This question every individual solves in different ways. I agree that it is a very important issue. There are very much arguments for and against this idea, I need to listen to both supporters and opponents of this view before I agree or disagree.

Regarding arguments for opportunity for people to work after their particular age 60 \65 years old, there are a number of them. On the one hand it gives a freedom for choice a working age by yourself. Another reason for that opinion is that working for a long time gives an opportunity to earn additional money as a salary, for example.

With regard to arguments against long working time after years 60 or 65, there are several of them. On the other hand if people continue working more than they should, they might gain health issues. In addition, I would like to remember that time after 60 or 65 years old is the time for relaxation, and all people should spend this time for long holidays.

Taking everything into consideration, I find it possible to conclude that I tend to agree with idea that people may choose to work or not to work after their retirement age. However, it depends.

Тянет. Но последний абзац Вы так закрутили, что мне Ctrl+Alt+Delete нужен Пишите проще, а то слов много, а смысл страдает.Это эссе, а не отчёт для Президента, стиль другой П.С. За прямые вопросы точно снижают оценку.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Посмотрите пожалуйста. Цель 4.5-5. Т.е. важно понять, тянет ли это эссе на данную оценку или нет, нужные исправления для более высокой оценки я и сам могу сделать Заранее спасибо!

....

Передайте жене, что 'тянет'

Но английский все равно надо учить

А как с остальными skills? Speaking с ней занимаетесь?

[Brumby]

Здравствуйте!

Написала еще одно эссе- очень надеюсь на Вашу помощь. Посмотрите пожалуйста на досуге.
Буду очень рада конструктивной критике.


We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in business, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used for in future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we be more suspicious of their benefits?

Generally, people recognize the value of computers and make use of their capacities in different spheres of life. Despite the fact that the future of the computer technology is very promising there is a growing concern about the drawbacks such fast development may entail.

On the one hand, every novelty in technology and in particular computer systems is usually lively debated and appreciated by users. As far as future possible innovations are concerned, it is expected that computers will render such professions as drivers obsolete. There will be an era of self-driven cars and even planes. In addition, humankind is looking forward to mass production of robots which will do household chores as efficiently as any human. Finally, our home entertainment is likely to change for better with the advent of 3D TV sets which could be compared favorably with the cinema’s quality.

Nevertheless, while the advantages of sophisticated devises are obvious not everyone is able to recognize a number of negative effects they have. First and foremost, many individuals tend to use it excessively and this lifestyle takes its toll on their health. It has been proven that long hours in front of the computer may cause eye diseases, not to mention bad posture and back pain afterwards. Last but not least, it is usually the case that people become dependent on it and virtually feel helpless if their computer breaks down or there is a power cut.

All things considered, there is no denying the fact that the computer has become an indispensible piece of technology . However, it is crucial to be aware of the possible harm it may cause and use it in moderation.