My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Goran Dražić]

I have redone the introduction, could you have a look at it ? Does it sound better? New introduction: Advertisements have become an integral part of our everyday life. We can see road hoardings on the way to work, bright campaigns in magazines and commercials on TV. However, while creating an advertisement it is utterly important to take into consideration the fact that every country has different cultures and traditions. Consequently, a certain campaign done in one country is unlikely to have the same affect in another.

I don't like this one either. This sentence you inserted is about the importance of depicting the country, which still gives me the wrong idea. Also, this time you made two cohesion mistakes. First, you used the word "however", but you did not introduce anything that contradicts with any previous facts. Then, you used the word "consequently" which normally connects two actions one of which is a consequence of another, but clearly in your case the first sentence doesn't describe an action. Also, "consequently" is not a good word for introductions as it is an element of discution or speculation and would sound more suitable in body paragraphs.

Look how I would write it:

Since their first appeararance about a hundred years ago, advertisments have undergone a lot of changes. Modern advertisments are mone than a simple description of a particular product; it is a little story with its own problem and happy ending. It is a widely popular belief that through advertising people can learn about a country for which it was made.

This introduction starts by mentioning some background information and smothely leads to stating a topic of an essay.

Vocabulary. Can I substitute the wrong word by these ones: • Issue—traits or attributes • Work out- perceive or understand • Come up with the problem- come up AGAINST the problem

I have never heard of "coming up against smth". Make sure it exists if you want to use it.

I would be so grateful to you if you could point out my punctuation mistakes? I have failed to find them.

Finally, not only is it possible to distinguish ethical, political and economical conditions in the country through its advertising campaigns, but it is also easy to work out what kind of tendencies the country is experiencing at the moment.

I also thought that you had a misake in a which-clause, but now I see that it is a defining clause and there shouldn't be any commas.

A piece of advice for you. Don't try to rewrite your essays, you will only lose your time. Instead, analize your mistakes and write a new one without them.

[Brumby]

Thank you,Goran!
Your example of an introduction is just perfect.
I will keep mastering my writing and hopefully one day I will be able to come up with so brilliant ideas.

I have taken your advice not to make corrections to my older essays and have written a new one. Would you mind to have a look& Your comments are utterly important to me. ( please highlight any grammar mistakes if there are any) Thank you in advance for your time and attention to me.


Trade and travel would be a lot easier with a single, global currency that we all use.
Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Would a single currency cause any problems?

If I were asked to imagine an ideal world I would describe it as a place where people live at peace, have equal rights and probably a single world currency. There is no doubt that a single global currency would bring about many positive changes, in particular, in travelling and trade. However, opinions differ and some individuals foresee a financial meltdown some countries are bound to experience due to this innovation.

The first benefit of a single currency is that it would encourage trade relationships among many countries by reducing trade barriers and lessening import taxes. A further benefit is that people would be able to move around countries with the same currency easily and securely. In addition, such a violation as currency speculation which is currently thriving in some countries would be a holdover of the past. Finally, in all likelihood some smaller vulnerable countries would be able to gain stability as developed countries would be obliged to support them.

On the other hand, it seems that contemporary world is not ready for such fundamental changes yet. Many scientists state that a single world currency will do nothing but enhance the deplorable state of the countries with high inflation rates. What is more, it is highly doubtful that some governments would desire to lose the monetary control and plunge into subsidizing poorer countries.

To sum up, there is no denying the fact that a global currency may facilitate life of all people worldwide especially in such spheres as travelling and trade. Nevertheless, these prospects seem to be unrealistic at least for the time being as so many governments are unprepared to undergo a number of problems which a global shift to single currency will inevitably generate.

[evol]

Thank you,Goran!
Your example of an introduction is just perfect.
I will keep mastering my writing and hopefully one day I will be able to come up with so brilliant ideas.

I have taken your advice not to make corrections to my older essays and have written a new one. Would you mind to have a look& Your comments are utterly important to me. ( please highlight any grammar mistakes if there are any) Thank you in advance for your time and attention to me.


Trade and travel would be a lot easier with a single, global currency that we all use.
Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Would a single currency cause any problems?

If I were asked to imagine an ideal world I would describe it as a place where people live at peace, have equal rights and probably a single world currency. There is no doubt that a single global currency would bring about many positive changes, in particular, in travelling and trade. However, opinions differ and some individuals foresee a financial meltdown some countries are bound to experience due to this innovation.

The first benefit of a single currency is that it would encourage trade relationships among many countries by reducing trade barriers and lessening import taxes. A further benefit is that people would be able to move around countries with the same currency easily and securely. In addition, such a violation as currency speculation which is currently thriving in some countries would be a holdover of the past. Finally, in all likelihood some smaller vulnerable countries would be able to gain stability as developed countries would be obliged to support them.

On the other hand, it seems that contemporary world is not ready for such fundamental changes yet. Many scientists state that a single world currency will do nothing but enhance the deplorable state of the countries with high inflation rates. What is more, it is highly doubtful that some governments would desire to lose the monetary control and plunge into subsidizing poorer countries.

To sum up, there is no denying the fact that a global currency may facilitate life of all people worldwide especially in such spheres as travelling and trade. Nevertheless, these prospects seem to be unrealistic at least for the time being as so many governments are unprepared to undergo a number of problems which a global shift to single currency will inevitably generate.

Добрый день. Я не буду оценивать Ваше эссе (оставим это гуру). Но хотел бы обратить Ваше внимание на следующий факт. В предыдущем, равно как и в этом эссе, слово country используется по 8 раз. Мне кажется это слишком много для 250 слов. Попробуйте поискать синонимы вроде state, economic system, region

[Brumby]

Спасибо, evol, учту Ваши замечания в дальнейшем.
Вы правы с country я перебрала. боялась что state по понятию менее глобально чем country.

Буду очень ждать комментариев моей работы.

[Goran Dražić]

I have taken your advice not to make corrections to my older essays and have written a new one. Would you mind to have a look& Your comments are utterly important to me. ( please highlight any grammar mistakes if there are any) Thank you in advance for your time and attention to me.

It looks like I won't have much time in the near future for checking essays. I'm having an exam in the first part of December, and I am spending a great deal of my time preparing for it. Maybe after the test I will be able to help, but for now I am checking only my essays.

[Brumby]

Goran Dražić, Ok , I see!!!
Exams go first!! Have lots of luck at your exam.

[evol]

добый день

через две недели у меня последняя возможность сдать этот тест. Буду рад любым замечаниям.

Nowadays jobs become more stressful and workers stay longer at work. What are the reasons for this? What can employers do to help employees?


The increasing pace of contemporary world has caused many changes in all domains of modern life. In particular, today people are exposed to much more stress at work that they used to be and work long hours. This issue requires thorough examination in order to establish causes and offer suggestions how to address this problem.

It seems that the main cause of growing amount of stress can be attributed to technological progress. Nowadays people have to cope with very complicated task using sophisticated mechanisms. New technologies and devices appear constantly. In order to remain in the stream people have to learn perpetually, spending most of their free time on educational activities. It eventually leads to work-family conflict and, in long run, impedes employee’s ability to deal with his or her responsibilities at work.

Another problem is that to date people have not had a luxury of secure employment as they used to be in the past. Nobody can longer expect that he or she will work at the same place through the whole life. Undeniably, this fact imposes a huge amount of pressure on modern people.

From what has been discussed above, it is clear that employers should revise their attitude towards employees’ free time. They could provide on-line trainings during working hours so employees may have enough time for their families and hobbies. Where possible, employers should guarantee secure employment or, at least, provide a chance to learn a new profession and change position within the same company.

To conclude, today people are subject to a huge amount of stress connected with their work and employers should exert as much efforts as they can to alleviate this problem for their employees.

[Naffania]

добый день

через две недели у меня последняя возможность сдать этот тест. Буду рад любым замечаниям.

Nowadays jobs become more stressful and workers stay longer at work. What are the reasons for this? What can employers do to help employees?


The increasing pace of contemporary world has caused many changes in all domains of modern life. In particular, today people are exposed to much more stress at work that (than) they used to be and work long hours. This issue requires thorough examination in order to establish causes (reasons?) and offer suggestions (масло маслянное) how to address this problem.

It seems that the main cause of growing amount of stress can be attributed to technological progress. Nowadays people have to cope with very complicated task using sophisticated mechanisms. New technologies and devices appear constantly. In order to remain in the stream (to catch up?) people have to learn perpetually, spending most of their free time on educational activities. It eventually leads to work-family conflict and, in long run, impedes employee’s ability to deal (иметь дело? думаю, fulfill) with his or her responsibilities at work.

Another problem is that to date (currently?) people have not had a luxury of secure employment as they used to be in the past. Nobody can longer expect (One can no longer expect..) that he or she will work at the same place through the whole life (will enjoy life-time employment ). Undeniably, this fact imposes a huge amount of pressure on modern people.

From what has been discussed above, it is clear that employers should revise their attitude towards employees’ free time. They could provide on-line trainings during working hours so that employees may have enough time for their families and hobbies. Wherever possible, employers should guarantee secure employment or, at least, provide a chance to learn a new profession and change position (be promoted, climb the career ladder) within the same company.

To conclude, today people are subject to a huge amount of stress connected with their work and employers should exert as much efforts as they can to alleviate this problem for their employees.

Последний абзац повторяет первый. Я бы написала, что выход из ситуации есть, нужно просто обоюдно стремиться к лучшему и т.д.
Лень считать, но мне кажется, слов маловато в эссе. Сочинение хорошее, есть логика в построении, предложения довольно грамотно построены. А на какой поинт Вы претендуете?

[evol]

Последний абзац повторяет первый. Я бы написала, что выход из ситуации есть, нужно просто обоюдно стремиться к лучшему и т.д.
Лень считать, но мне кажется, слов маловато в эссе. Сочинение хорошее, есть логика в построении, предложения довольно грамотно построены. А на какой поинт Вы претендуете?

Спасибо большое за замечания. Слов не маловато - 280, тут просто строки широкие. Претендую подняться с 6.5 до 7

[Vanderley]

добый день

через две недели у меня последняя возможность сдать этот тест. Буду рад любым замечаниям.

Nowadays jobs become more stressful and workers stay longer at work. What are the reasons for this? What can employers do to help employees?


The increasing pace of contemporary world has caused many changes in all domains of modern life. In particular, today people are exposed to much more stress at work that they used to be and work long hours. This issue requires thorough examination in order to establish causes and offer suggestions how to address this problem.

It seems that the main cause of growing amount of stress can be attributed to technological progress. Nowadays people have to cope with very complicated tasks using sophisticated mechanisms. New technologies and devices appear constantly. In order to remain in the stream people have to learn perpetually, spending most of their free time on educational activities. It eventually leads to work-family conflict and, in long run, impedes employee’s ability to deal with his or her responsibilities at work.

Another problem is that to date people do not have(откуда перфект?) a luxury of secure employment as they used to be in the past. Nobody can longer expect that he or she will work at the same place through the whole life. Undeniably, this fact imposes a huge amount of pressure on modern people.

From what has been discussed above, it is clear that employers should revise their attitude towards employees’ free time. They could provide on-line trainings during working hours so employees may have enough time for their families and hobbies. Where possible, employers should guarantee secure employment or, at least, provide a chance to learn a new profession and change position within the same company.

To conclude, today people are subject to a huge amount of stress connected with their work, and employers should exert as much efforts as they can to alleviate this problem for their employees.

У меня небольшой коммент по структуре. У вас для каждой проблемы - по параграфу, а решения в одном общем. Чтобы показать, какое решение относится к какой проблеме, я бы добавил решения в параграфы к соответствующим проблемам.

Подправил вам кой-чего, что до этого вам не исправили. С некоторыми исправлениями Naffania я, кстати, не согласен, прочекайте на всякий случай.

[Naffania]

Спасибо большое за замечания. Слов не маловато - 280, тут просто строки широкие. Претендую подняться с 6.5 до 7

Старайтесь перефразировать, если не получается прямо сказать то, что хотите. Поинты снимают не только за грамматику, но и за "ненатуральность" речи. Думаю, не открою Вам Америку, если скажу, что очень многое зависит от проверяющего. Иногда даже нарушение структуры при органичной речи и ясном изложении не способно испортить впечатление и оценку.
*шёпотом* пишите эссе карандашом, легче исправить будет, если осенит, и время не потеряете.

[evol]

У меня небольшой коммент по структуре. У вас для каждой проблемы - по параграфу, а решения в одном общем. Чтобы показать, какое решение относится к какой проблеме, я бы добавил решения в параграфы к соответствующим проблемам.

Подправил вам кой-чего, что до этого вам не исправили. С некоторыми исправлениями Naffania я, кстати, не согласен, прочекайте на всякий случай.

Спасибо, вот так и теряется столь жизненно необходимых полбалла )

Старайтесь перефразировать, если не получается прямо сказать то, что хотите. Поинты снимают не только за грамматику, но и за "ненатуральность" речи. Думаю, не открою Вам Америку, если скажу, что очень многое зависит от проверяющего. Иногда даже нарушение структуры при органичной речи и ясном изложении не способно испортить впечатление и оценку.
*шёпотом* пишите эссе карандашом, легче исправить будет, если осенит, и время не потеряете.

Вообще основной проблемой является то, что практически по всем темам эссе мне просто нечего сказать. Я испытываю настолько катастрофическую нехватку идей, что обычно из 40 отведенных минут на эссе половина уходит на то, чтобы определить за какую я сторону и придумать хотя бы блеклое обоснование почему. Если бы я при этом еще использовал ручку, а не карандаш - я бы не написал ни строчки вообще

Кстати, вот реальные темы эссе с тестов за осень, если кто-либо готов альтруистически пожертвовать временем и идеями - по любой теме, в виде плана, или просто в виде бессвязных предложений - you are welcome. В общем, подайте, кто сколько может




29.11.2011
Most students choose to work part time during university studies. Do you think its a good or a bad idea? Give your opinion and support it with an explanation and examples.


25.11.2011
Some say that economic development is the solution to poverty; others say it is the cause of poverty. Do you agree or disagree with the statement? Give your own opinion.


23.11.2011
Teachers at schools exert a greater influence on intellectual and social development of their students, as compared to their parents. Do you agree or disagree? Provide arguments to support your opinion.


21.11.2011
More and more people nowadays are showing interest in achieving success in the fields such as music, movies and sports. These people can sometimes be from an ordinary background. Do you think it is a positive development? Give reasons from your daily life.


17.11.2011
Some people think that teachers at school are more responsible for children’s intellectual and social development than parents. To what extend do you agree or disagree? What is your personal opinion?


16.11.2011
Some people believe that a staff who has been working for long time in the company should be promoted to the senior level. What is your opinion about this matter?


11.11.2011
Developments in technology have caused environmental problems. Some say this can be solved by living a simple life, others think that technology can solve these problems. Discuss both views and give your opinion.


07.11.2011
Often new commercial centers are planed with respect to green areas and sport facilities. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Why?


01.11.2011
Some people believe that children should learn science in school, others think that it is not necessary to include science in general education. Do you agree or disagree with the statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


28.10.2011
Some argue that teaching students of different abilities in one classroom isn’t beneficial. Discuss and give your own opinion.


26.10.2011
Young people spend less of their free time with their family nowadays. What are the reasons for this? Are there more negative or positive sides to it?


24.10.2011
Nowadays parents are leaving their children with someone else during the day, when they are at work. Is it a good or a bad thing to do? Give relevant examples, from your experience or knowledge.


20.10.2011
A country’s future is depending on its young people. Therefore, a country should invest heavily in its youth. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?


17.10.2011
Many people believe that advertising directed by the junk food and toy companies have an adverse effect on young children and their families. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give appropriate reasons for your claims and include examples where necessary.


14.10.2011
Nowadays TV news show a lot of disaster scenes and violence. What effect on individuals and society in general can this have?


12.10.2011
Most children spend a lot of time watching TV shows and playing computer games. Should parents limit the time spent in front of the TV or PC for them? Give your own opinion.


11.10.2011
Some countries are providing general education in secondary schools, while others are teaching skills specific to a future career. Which type of education would be a better choice these days, in your opinion?


07.10.2011
Nowadays families spend little time doing things together. What are the reasons that parents spend less time with their children? Explain the positive and negative effects of this development. Give examples from your own knowledge and experience.


04.10.2011
The number of older people is increasing. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?


29.09.2011
Nowadays some secondary schools give children general education in a range of traditional disciplines, while others claim to be more specialized and pay attention to some particular classes, excluding some general ones. Which of two school types is better for children and why?


27.09.2011
Some say that artists (musicians, writers, painters) should be supported by the government. Others think it would be waste of money. Discuss both arguments and give your opinion. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.


26.09.2011
Some people believe that advertisements targeting children may have negative effects on them, and suggest banning such advertisements as a solution. To what extent do you agree or disagree?


22.09.2011
Parents often buy their children many toys. What are the advantage and disadvantage of children having a large number of toys? Use examples from your personal knowledge and experience.


21.09.2011

Most people watch foreign films first, before locally produced films. Why is that so? If the government in your country decides to invest in the film industry, will you support them to do so and why? Include your own experience in the essay.


19.09.2011
There is an increase in violence in society because police officers carry guns. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your personal experience.


14.09.2011
Many students take a year off in order to work before they go to college or university. Do you think this has more advantages than disadvantages?


12.09.2011
Some think that news and media have too much influence on people’s lives. Is it a negative or a positive development?


08.09.2011
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.


02.09.2011
In the last century, the first man walking on the moon said: “It is a giant leap for mankind”. However, some people think it makes little difference to our daily lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?


26.08.2011
Some people think that schools are merely turning children into good citizens and workers, rather than benefiting them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

[Kukaracha]

evol, у меня похожая проблема. С эссе очень все плохо в том плане, что идей даже на русском не хватает, плюс пугает "академичность" написания. Идеи у меня есть, но они какие-то обрывочные и мне тяжело их связать. Короче, как у Винни Пуха - "правильнописание у меня хорошее,но почему-то хромает". Я давно уже изучаю язык, с интервалами конечно, но все же. Чтение и аудирование идут более-менее нормально, спикинг не пугает (все-таки жила почти два года в англоязычных странах), но письменная часть..я как вижу задание - у меня примерно вот такая реакция организма В общем, поддержу предыдущий пост и еще у меня вопрос - а как вы настраиваетесь на написание эссе?

[Gamesssgamesi]

А как вы считаете хороший ли сайт galaxysgames

Недавно попал для сайт galaxysgames и скачал чрезвычайно плеяда интересных игр чтобы пк. Скачал потрясающие игры, вот отсюда

[Майя_2011]

[QUOTE=evol;2246019]


23.11.2011
Teachers at schools exert a greater influence on intellectual and social development of their students, as compared to their parents. Do you agree or disagree? Provide arguments to support your opinion.

Добрый день.У меня была именно эта тема на экзамене.

Писала примерно так:

В одно прекрасное время дети в определенном возрасте идут в школу.Там они знакомятся со множеством новых людей: школьников и учителей. Что новые знакомые могут влиять на них.И я более подробно рассмотрю это в моей эссе.

(т.к. я была не согласна с тем, что учителя больше влияют, то)

Да, дети проводят в школе некоторое время, начинают изучать новые предметы, получают углубленные знания по предметам и т.д. Но они все такие недостаточно много проводят времени в школе, чтобы учителя могли кардинально влиять на их уровень развития в большей части.Но конечно, они все такие что то приобретают и надеюсь,что все это им поможет в будущем.

Еще до школы детьми занимаются родители, т.к. они собственно их и родили и еще с рождения ребенок перенимает неосознанно какие либо их действия.Так же родители покупают развивающие книжки, игрушки для развития ребенка.Еще подключаются бабушки и дедушки.

Далее, ребенок копирует в некоторых ситуациях поведение родителей. И тд.(забыла, что уже писала)

Заключение: конечно, я считаю, что учителя влияют на детей, на их развитие, как и любой сторонний человек, друзья.Но наибольшее влияние оказывают все таки родители находясь с ребенком с самого рождения и проводя с ним гораздо больше времени.

P.S.немного сумбурно я написала. За писанину свою получила 5,5, но мне больше и не надо было.

Надеюсь, что пару идей подкинула. Удачи на экзамене!!!!!