My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[maritasha]

Про колодец и плевки слышали?

А мне совсем не хочется заражать вас своим негативизмом.

Удачи Вам в сдачи IELTS.

слышали. Но негатив, по-моему исходил действительно от вас. Я вовсе не просила вас лично о каком-то готовом эссе для меня, а спросила людей на форуме.И несмотря на то, что у нас есть человек, с которым мы занимаемся, все-таки хотелось еще услышать мнения. На что вы сами знаете, что ответили.

В другой теме про идиомы, вы, кстати, совершенно справедливо меня поправили, а то, что было здесь, кроме как негативом, простите, я назвать не могу. Хотела сгладить ситуацию. Не хотите-ваше право

[krit]

оцените пожалуйста мое эссе!


Many newspapers and magazines feature stories about the private lives of famous people. We know what they eat, where they buy their clothes and who they love. We also often see pictures of them in private situations.

Is it appropriate for a magazine or newspaper to give this kind of private information about people?

Give reasons for your answer


The development of mass-media causes some problems which have never been heard about before. The limits for showing the private life of celebrities is discussed on different levels. Some people propose to set the borders of describing the private life by law, because a lot of newspapers and magazines sometimes publish totally inappropriate materials, including photos and even phone records.

As far as I am concerned, all private information in the press should pass some kind of analysis from an ethical point of view. The best way to do this is to ask yourself - whether I would be happy if I had found the same materials about myself in a magazine .

Of course, the glamorous life seems very attractive because of its fashion and luxury. It is easy to sell newspapers with this type of contents. So, the so-called tabloids or red-tops usually arrange a photo-hunt for the private photos of celebrities offering a valuable reward. Sometimes it is a competition between the newspapres for publishing for example a newborn child of a world famous cinema star. On the one side, it may be a way to earn some easy money for the celebrity, but sometimes posting private information can be really harmful for the person. It can even destroy someone's family life or career.

Publishing private information of a person can also cause a negative effect on their children and family members, because they can feel the pressure of public opinion on themselves. Also, sharing facts of someone's private life akes peolpe feel unsafe, because they know, that the paparazzi can make a shot even in the shower.

So, taking into account everything mentioned above, I suppose that the published materials should be controlled by the most conserned side - the person described by the report. Only this permission can guarantee the quality of the material. 'Treat onthers as you want to be treated' - this is the best proverb to remember in these cases.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

оцените пожалуйста мое эссе!


Many newspapers and magazines feature stories about the private lives of famous people. We know what they eat, where they buy their clothes and who they love. We also often see pictures of them in private situations.

Is it appropriate for a magazine or newspaper to give this kind of private information about people?

Give reasons for your answer


The development of mass-media causes some problems which have never been heard about before. The limits for showing the private life of celebrities is discussed on different levels. Some people propose to set the borders of describing the private life by law, because a lot of newspapers and magazines sometimes publish totally inappropriate materials, including photos and even phone records.

As far as I am concerned, all private information in the press should pass some kind of analysis from an ethical point of view. The best way to do this is to ask yourself - whether I would be happy if I had found the same materials about myself in a magazine .

I like your essay! Your English is pretty good and the ideas are refreshing and well developed. From the point of view of grammar, I can't really see any serious problems but your essay would certainly benefit from a use of a Conditional 2, and this would be very appropriate for your question.

There are a few spelling mistakes, or should we refer to them as typos? There's also one really bad punctuation mistakes (Runglish, I'm afraid):
because they know, that the paparazzi can make a shot even in the shower - the comma here is a serious mistake. BTW, there's no need for a comma before 'because' either, though this wouldn't be a mistake.

Another punctuation mistakes is the hyphen before 'whether'.

Overall impression - 6.5 easily.

[krit]

I like your essay! Your English is pretty good and the ideas are refreshing and well developed. From the point of view of grammar, I can't really see any serious problems but your essay would certainly benefit from a use of a Conditional 2, and this would be very appropriate for your question.

There are a few spelling mistakes, or should we refer to them as typos? There's also one really bad punctuation mistakes (Runglish, I'm afraid):
because they know, that the paparazzi can make a shot even in the shower - the comma here is a serious mistake. BTW, there's no need for a comma before 'because' either, though this wouldn't be a mistake.

Another punctuation mistakes is the hyphen before 'whether'.

Overall impression - 6.5 easily.

Большое спасибо
Экзамен будет в субботу
Буду стараться на 7
Про запятые - отдельное спасибо

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Большое спасибо
Экзамен будет в субботу
Буду стараться на 7
Про запятые - отдельное спасибо

Дайте знать о результатах, если не возражаете. Мне нравится Ваш слог - у вас есть 'легкость', кот. редко бывает у изучающих английский. Главное - 'не зарывайтесь'

Удачи.

[Jyliana]

Можете оценить мое эссе? Я только начинаю готовиться к writing и хотелось бы знать, над чем конкретно стоить поработать.

After the baby is born things will never be the same. People say that to expectant parents and they are right. Still people want children. Why?

They say that kids are lot of fun. Though not all people think about future changes in their life what can follow after birth of the child. Usually this event entails new questions and problems. Parents find out that they must look after the child, give full attention to him or her and cure child's diseases. They have to spend more money and have less time for themselves. Nevertheless the majority wants to have children. So why do they want it?

There are many reasons to have a child. Someone wants to have a child from beloved person. Another one wants to live traditionally with a spouse and children. Many people wish to have their living copy who will live with parents' genes and talents. Then they could pass their knowledge and experience to the child.

It is happened also that parents think the child could bring some hope for their planes, like to become a heir of their noble family or involve a marriage as a result of birth of the baby. Likewise as religious people have to give birth of children because their religion require or encourage it.

Besides it is need to mention about one simple reason. Many people just want to have a child without any explanation or rational intention. They want to love and cherish a child, raise and educate him or her.

As we can see there is not a one reason or even primary one amid all of them. All people are different, so all of them want to have a child for widely different motivations.

[vadim85]

Maimiti_Isabella, а можно Вас попросить проверить и мое, а то Вы его как-то пропустили?

Тему взял из ветки сдавших экзамен, поэтому извиняюсь, что она на русском - Road traffic очень силён во многих больших городах мира. Напишите, какие проблемы это рождает. Предложите пути их решения.

The question of overloading of the modern cities by enormous quantity of the
vehicles has long been the subject of intense debates and it is a problem which
certainly does not have the correct answer. Many people believe that some
negative aspects of the big cities are the result of strong road traffic and
they offer different ways of solution of the problem. In this essay both of
these questions will be explored.

To begin with it is important to estimate the real influence of the traffic on
our lifes. The major drawback is an extremely high level of the air pollution
in megalopolises and cars without doubts are in charge of that situation. For
instance, doctors strongly recommend not to choose place to live in city centers
but in suburbs, because breathing this air can lead to various diseases. Another
negative aspect are the traffic jams. Due to them contemporary people living in
megacities need much more time for movements from one point to another.

If to emphasis on the possible solutions of the problem of overloaded streets
we can see few courses of action. The first one was offered by the Green Peace
organization and it consists in reducing the amount of individual vehicles and
developing the public transport system. As well, there is a less radical politic
which offers to organize highways to every district of the megalopolises but to
prohibit the access of individual transport means outside of these highways. For
example, implementation of this system we can see in different European cities,
in which centers are organized as the pedestrian zones.

To summarize, I can say that the problem of traffic should be solved as soon
as possible. And therefore state authorities should work out and implement the
proper strategy for it. But every resident of a city should not forget about
traffic problems either and think twice every time he is expecting to use
private car.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Можете оценить мое эссе? Я только начинаю готовиться к writing и хотелось бы знать, над чем конкретно стоить поработать.

After the baby is born things will never be the same. People say that to expectant parents and they are right. Still people want children. Why?

Which IELTS textbook or practice book does this topic come from?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, а можно Вас попросить проверить и мое, а то Вы его как-то пропустили?

Sorry but as I stated many times before (too many times in fact), I only comment on IELTS topics. As yet I am to see an IELTS task in the Russian language

Please note: one of the things that is evaluated in the essay is your ability to rephrase the essay topic and demonstrate your range of vocubulary.

[Jyliana]

Which IELTS textbook or practice book does this topic come from?

Well, my tutor gave that theme to me. I found it there also.
Sample IELTS Essays for Writing module - page 1

Are there wrong topics? What textbooks could you advise then?

[HolyMolly]

А покритикуйте и мое, плиз.

Retirees have time for many different activities. What are those activities? What is the benefit of such activities to the retirees themselves and to the society?

In the retirement age for people who have ended their career it opens a plenty of opportunities due to having enough free time. Both retirees themselves and the society as a whole receive different benefits from the activities available for old people. This essay is to show a few activities of many and benefits they can bring.


Let's start with activities those are available for retirees. First of all, since a retiree has a lot of free time he or she can spend this time with his or her grandkids while they parents are at work. And it is pretty undoubtedly that many old man do so because they very like it. Secondly, in developed countries due to a good social politics retirees have not only free time but money also. On monthly basis they get a pension provided by the government. It allows them to make trips all around the world that is often stays only a dream in the middle age due to lack of time. And the last but not least, many people in the age start to write memoirs or poetry or even to do paintings.


Concerning benefits those old people receive from the activities they do in retirement. First of all, it is reasonable to say that having trips they get good emotions from all they saw and from people they met. It is obvious that these emotions are very vital for their health. Thus, trips help to old people to save mental and physical healthiness. Second of all, spending time with their grandkids old people stay feeling their own necessity for their offsprings. Probably, it can even stimulate them for a long life. Moreover, staying children at home with their grandfathers can release parents of thinking how to place kids in kinder-gardens and from spending extra money for that. Finally, arts produced by the ages bring the society priceless values which does not require to describe.


To conclude all mentioned above, a retirement is a greate period of life for everyone. In this age a lot of opportunities open for retirees. Almost all of these opportunities can be helpful in lower or higher extent for retirees themselves and/or for the society as a whole.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Well, my tutor gave that theme to me. I found it there also.
Sample IELTS Essays for Writing module - page 1

Are there wrong topics? What textbooks could you advise then?

First of all, I've never seen a topic like this in IELTS. IELTS topics are usually worded differently. Secondly, I have some doubts about punctuation/wording of the second part. IELTS topics also give a very clear idea of what you need to do, i.e. they have a task part (general statement, topic + task). This one doesn't.
I generally don't trust topics lifted from dubious websites when there are hundreds of different books available for IELTS prep. And even old tests that are not used anymore (Cambridge). So I simply don't understand why people have to go for something unreliable and untrustworthy.

Anyway, I'll have a quick look at your essay now. But my advice stands: use proven and reliable published material until you learn enough English to see the fishy one for yourself.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Можете оценить мое эссе? Я только начинаю готовиться к writing и хотелось бы знать, над чем конкретно стоить поработать.

After the baby is born things will never be the same. People say that to expectant parents and they are right. Still people want children. Why?

Общее впечатление довольно положительное. Вы ответили на вопрос, раскрыли тему. Заключение слишком короткое, надо бы еще одно предложение добавить. Английский - видно что 'идет', но еще 'не дошел' до приличного балла. Т.е. есть над чем работать.

Я продолжаю считать, что это не типичная тема IELTS, хотя 'все течет, все изменяется'.... Так что оценить довольно сложно, но я бы все-таки дала 6.

Из наиболее грубых ошибок - неправильное использование though.
Из руссизмов - употребление предлогов, например, child from beloved person -> with the (in English you have a child with somebody)

As I said, I do feel that you can potentially get pretty good results, you just need to keep working on your English skills, and this includes vocabulary, BTW.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

А покритикуйте и мое, плиз.

Retirees have time for many different activities. What are those activities? What is the benefit of such activities to the retirees themselves and to the society?.

Sorry but, надо улучшать английский, если хотите получить приличную ошибку. Пока читать даже очень трудно.

[Jyliana]

Maimiti_Isabella, thank you very much for your revisions.

Я примерно так и думала, только насчет нестандартной темы не знала. Буду искать нормальные темы и практиковаться дальше.
Как я представляю, у меня пока не сильно богатый активный словарный запас, хотя пассивный хороший, сказывается, что читала я в разы больше, чем писала, тем более не на серьезные темы, а так потрепаться с иностранцами. А сами конструкции фраз не сильно простые, может стоить больше использовать сложные времена и более замысловато фразы писать?

А можно вас попросить посмотреть еще мое деловое письмо?