My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Форумчане, посмотрите, пожалуйста

E-mail has had a huge impact on professional and social communication, but this impact has been negative as well as positive. Do the disadvantages of using e-mail outweigh the advantages?



On the other hand, it is considered that electronic letters could seriosly damage a computer. This point is explained by the fact that any computer connected to the Internet faces a variety of electronic threats. For example, different viruses could be proliferated through the World Wide Web. As a result, if a member of electronic conversation does not install special security software, viruses could simply cause his computer to crash..

Мы с Вами опять тему понимаем совершенно по разному: я вижу слова professional and social communication, а вы пишете про вирусы....

work in tight schedule -> to work on tight schedule

[flameflower]

Спасибо, согласна, надо быть более внимательной...

При такой теме мне же обязательно надо привести пример negative impact?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Спасибо, согласна, надо быть более внимательной...

При такой теме мне же обязательно надо привести пример negative impact?

Например, что люди теряют face-to-face communication skills, or that emails lack emotion and can be misinterpreted, or that online communication can lead to miscommunication in cases when emails are not proofread as they are 'designed' for quick responses, or that it's impossible to check who you are communicating with and there are many people who take advantage of this by assuming false identities and luring young kids and trusting teenagers into their virtual online world, etc

[flameflower]

Maimiti_Isabella, после вашего первого поста перечитала и сразу поняла ошибку...и чего меня на вирусы потянуло..
Спасибо за идею ответа, будем работать!!

[maritasha]

ТАСК 2

Some people say that the government is responsible for aged care and financial support for the elderly, others argue that its the role of individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There is an opinlion that authorities ought to take care of and financially support old people. However, opponents argue that it is their relatives who are responsible for this. Nevertheless, I am inclined to believe that the latter are reasonable,but the government should also do their best to make the elderly feel good and safe.

Undoubtedly, no one can take of the elderly better than their relatieves. First of all, their children love them and have tender feelings to them, so they are the most concerned about their health. Additionally, their relatieves remember how their old parents took care of them and thus they will do their best in order the elderly feel comfortable. Finally, as the elderly are always accompanied with their relatives, less offenders will attempt to offend them. It is obvious, that relatives can take care of the elderly, but government's support can improve the situation even more.

There are two reasons at least why the government should support the elderly. First, since the elderly paid a great amount of taxes when they worked, authorities should not forget those contributions and pay them fair pensions. Moreover, if young people see how the government treats the elderly, they will not ever think to leave their countries. Additionally, not only should authorities financionally support the elderly but also pay great attention to other their problems, such as health care and leisure. Thus, the government will secure the best conditions for old people, if they build hospitals and leisure centres for them. Though, this opinion is also true, I believe that combining the latter and the former will be much more useful.

If people stop arguing and take the best what individuals can do and combine with the best what the government can offer the situation may be solved more officiently. Thus, I believe that relatives should accompany and take care of the elderly, while the government should financially support and create facilities for the elderly.

In conclusion, it is obvious that on the one hand it is the government that is responsible for taking care of old people, as it has a lot of resources for it. However, on the other hand we all are responsible for securing good conditions for our old relatives, as there are not closer people for them. Nevertheless, I believe that people together with the government will help the situation even better.

На сколько тянет task 2 вместе с task 1 в предыдущем сообщении? Принять во внимание, что уже исправлено около 5 описок.
спасибо всем!

[flameflower]

maritasha, сама учусь поэтому комментировать особо не буду, но бросилось в глаза, что в первом задании совсем нет заключения, во втором собственные выводы во вступлении давать не надо

[Max_Ukraine]

Some people say

officiently - efficiently
will help the situation even better - как-то звучит неправильно

[maritasha]

officiently - efficiently
will help the situation even better - как-то звучит неправильно

ага, мне кажется после even глагол какой-то должен быть, вроде become. Писал муж, а мой уровень совершенно недостаточен, чтобы судить. По поводу его мыслей в начале - это же эссе-opinion, т.е. во вступлении должны быть "за", "против" и его мысли вкратце по этому поводу, вроде содержания, а уже потом "за", "против" и его мнение рассматриваются более подробно в последующих 3-х параграфах. Его так научил препод. с которым он занимается по Скайп. если у кого есть ссылка, что это не правильно, пожалуйста, ткните носом

[maritasha]

вот что нашла на этом сайте IELTS Exam Preparation - IELTS Writing Module
First Paragraph
Your first paragraph should have several easily identifiable features. First, it should have a quick description or paraphrasing of the topic or table. Use your own words to briefly explain what the topic or table is about.

Second, you should explain your opinion of the topic or table and give an explanation of why you feel that way. What is your decision or conclusion on the topic or table?

Third, you should list your 'writing points'. What are the main ideas that you came up with earlier? This is your opportunity to outline the rest of your paper. Have a sentence explaining each idea that you will go intend further depth in additional paragraphs. If someone was to only read this paragraph, they should be able to get an 'executive summary' of the entire paper.


Body Paragraph
Each of your successive paragraphs should expand upon one of the points listed in the main paragraph. Use your personal experience and knowledge to support each of your points. Examples should back up everything.


Conclusion Paragraph
Once you have finished expanding upon each of your main points, wrap it up. Summarize what you have said and covered in a conclusion paragraph. Explain once more your opinion of the topic or table and quickly review why you feel that way. At this stage, you have already backed up your statements, so there is no need to do that again. All you are doing is refreshing in the mind of the reader the main points that you have made.

[AntonKonovalov]

ага, мне кажется после even глагол какой-то должен быть, вроде become. Писал муж, а мой уровень совершенно недостаточен, чтобы судить. По поводу его мыслей в начале - это же эссе-opinion, т.е. во вступлении должны быть "за", "против" и его мысли вкратце по этому поводу, вроде содержания, а уже потом "за", "против" и его мнение рассматриваются более подробно в последующих 3-х параграфах. Его так научил препод. с которым он занимается по Скайп. если у кого есть ссылка, что это не правильно, пожалуйста, ткните носом

Спорный момент.
Opinion essay - в первом параграфе свое мнение выражаешь
Discussion essay - в первом параграфе не выражаешь. Это я почерпнул из умных книг. Однако экзаменатор сказал, что никто баллы снимать не будет, если ты в discussion essay выразишь свое мнение в начале. ГЛАВНОЕ чтобы оно оставалось одним и тем же до конца эссэ

[vadim85]

очередная попытка

Тему взял из ветки сдавших экзамен, поэтому извиняюсь, что она на русском - Road traffic очень силён во многих больших городах мира. Напишите, какие проблемы это рождает. Предложите пути их решения.

The question of overloading of the modern cities by enormous quantity of the
vehicles has long been the subject of intense debates and it is a problem which
certainly does not have the correct answer. Many people believe that some
negative aspects of the big cities are the result of strong road traffic and
they offer different ways of solution of the problem. In this essay both of
these questions will be explored.

To begin with it is important to estimate the real influence of the traffic on
our lifes. The major drawback is an extremely high level of the air pollution
in megalopolises and cars without doubts are in charge of that situation. For
instance, doctors strongly recommend not to choose place to live in city centers
but in suburbs, because breathing this air can lead to various diseases. Another
negative aspect are the traffic jams. Due to them contemporary people living in
megacities need much more time for movements from one point to another.

If to emphasis on the possible solutions of the problem of overloaded streets
we can see few courses of action. The first one was offered by the Green Peace
organization and it consists in reducing the amount of individual vehicles and
developing the public transport system. As well, there is a less radical politic
which offers to organize highways to every district of the megalopolises but to
prohibit the access of individual transport means outside of these highways. For
example, implementation of this system we can see in different European cities,
in which centers are organized as the pedestrian zones.

To summarize, I can say that the problem of traffic should be solved as soon
as possible. And therefore state authorities should work out and implement the
proper strategy for it. But every resident of a city should not forget about
traffic problems either and think twice every time he is expecting to use
private car.

[maritasha]

Тему взял из ветки сдавших экзамен, поэтому извиняюсь, что она на русском - Road traffic очень силён во многих больших городах мира. Напишите, какие проблемы это рождает. Предложите пути их решения.

(Как вариант для начала - There is widely spread opinion that...)The question of overloading of the modern cities by enormous quantity of the
vehicles has long been the subject of intense debates and it is a problem which
certainly does not have the correct answer. Many people believe that some
negative aspects of the big cities are the result of strong road traffic and
they offer different ways of solution of the problem. In this essay both of
these questions will be explored.

To begin with it is important to estimate the real influence of the traffic on
our lifes. Undoubtedly или it is obvious, that he major drawback is an extremely high level of the air pollution
in megalopolises and cars are in charge of that situation. For
instance, doctors strongly recommend not to choose place to live in city centers
but in suburbs, because breathing this air can lead to various diseases. Additionally, there is another
negative aspect are the traffic jams. Thus, contemporary people living in
megacities need much more time for movements from one point to another.

If to emphasis on the possible solutions of the problem of overloaded streets
we can see few courses of action. (Тут как-то изменить, используя from the one hand....)The first one was offered by the Green Peace
organization and it consists in reducing the amount of individual vehicles and
developing the public transport system. (здесь from the other hand...), there is a less radical politic
which offers to organize highways to every district of the megalopolises but to
prohibit the access of individual transport means outside of these highways. For
example, implementation of this system we can see in different European cities,
in which centers are organized as the pedestrian zones.

To summarize (еще можно написать in conclusion, используя фразу- I am inclined to believe that.....), I can say that the problem of traffic should be solved as soon
as possible. And(старайтесь избегать начинать предложения со слова and -совет нашего препода, просто therefore) therefore state authorities should work out and implement the
proper strategy for it. (but -слишком просто, можно использовать moreover)But every resident of a city should not forget about
traffic problems either, and think twice every time he is expecting to use
private car.

на мой делетанский взгляд тема раскрыта очень даже неплохо, но нет слов, типа additionally.... Я выделила, где можно из использовать.На мой, повторюсь, непрофессиональный взгляд будет куда более формал, чем сейчас.
если добавить слов покруче, то можно 7 получить.

[maritasha]

Maimiti_Isabella, что-то вас не видно сегодня.
Могли бы вы и мои эссе проверить, плиз!

[vadim85]

на мой делетанский взгляд тема раскрыта очень даже неплохо, но нет слов, типа additionally.... Я выделила, где можно из использовать.На мой, повторюсь, непрофессиональный взгляд будет куда более формал, чем сейчас.
если добавить слов покруче, то можно 7 получить.

Спасибо, с такими дополнениями действительно лучше выглядит, учту на будущее.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, что-то вас не видно сегодня.
Могли бы вы и мои эссе проверить, плиз!

Про колодец и плевки слышали?

А мне совсем не хочется заражать вас своим негативизмом.

Удачи Вам в сдачи IELTS.