My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[audream]

Не могу. Тогда надо все эссе переписывать.

ок, тогда могли бы вы оценить по каждому из 4-х критериев:task response, coherence and cohesion, lexical resource, grammatical range and accuracy, чтобы мне понятнее стало, где слабое место! А то если честно, мне трудно понять, что значит "скучное эссе" без указания конкретных недочетов, при том, что вы сами сказали, что вроде все правильно. Сорри за назойливость.

[flameflower]

Maimiti_Isabella, посмотрите, пожалуйста, мое следующее эссе. Ваши замечания мне быстро проясняют что к чему))))) Буду призантельна и за замечания других форумчан

Some people think that genetically modified (GM) crops are a positive development. Others, however, argue that they are potentially dangerous. Discuss both these veiws and give your own opinion.


The widespread use of the genetically engineered products is rather a controversial issue which has raised many debates during the last decade. Some people believe that this type of food brings many advantages, while others claim that it could lead to negative effects. There is a number of arguments for both of these views.


The main argument in favour of production of GM crops is that genetically modified plants allow to increase the amount of outcome. The fact that the population of the Earth is growing in a rapid pace is likely to reflect in reguirements for a larger quantity of food for people's nutrition. In these circumstances, using genetically modified plants is more efficient as it could not only provide the population with necessary amount of crops, but also the quality of GM crops could be improved by adding various vitamins and other essential nutrients. Futhermore, if some regions suffer from drought or insects, plants could be genetically modified exactly for natural conditions of these areas and help to eliminate these problems.


On the other hand, it is considered that GM goods have not been tested enough for wide use and could be unsafe for people's health. Some scientists think that consumption of GM crops can cause consequent diseases, the treatment for which is still not clearly identified and requires additional serious research. For this reason, a number of health organisations insist on a special law to prevent industrial production of this type of crops.


In conclusion, I take the view that while the mankind is not informed enough about how genetically modified products affect people's health, it could be risky to use them. However, if more resources could help the human population to cope with increased requirements for food and prevent starvation in certain areas, the research in this sphere should be continued.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, посмотрите, пожалуйста, мое следующее эссе. Ваши замечания мне быстро проясняют что к чему))))) Буду призантельна и за замечания других форумчан

Some people think that genetically modified (GM) crops are a positive development. Others, however, argue that they are potentially dangerous. Discuss both these veiws and give your own opinion.


The widespread use of the genetically engineered products is rather a controversial issue which has raised many debates during the last decade. Some people believe that this type of food brings many advantages, while others claim that it could lead to negative effects. There is a number of arguments for both of these views..

OK, you've mastered the basics, so it's time to move on

1. Time to get rid of the cliches. The test markers are trained to identify the cliches and ignore them. You will not be gaining any points for the bolded words. If your target is anything above 6.5 cliches should be avoided like the plague . Find another way to express the same idea.
bring many advantages --> may bring certain advantages

Genetically modified food (GM) may bring certain benefits as well as drawbacks. Depending on which side of the fence you sit, genetically modified food (GM) can be either beneficial and valuable or dangerous and unsafe.

2. Don't use too many words for simple ideas. Again, the test markers are fully aware why this is happening and you won't earn any brownie points for that
to increase the amount of outcome --> yield
is growing in (--> at) a rapid pace --> rapidly

3. efficient as it could not only provide: it vs. this/that - you need to look this up.

4. Runglish: this sphere should be continued

[flameflower]

Maimiti_Isabella, спасибо за, как всегда, ценные советы. Пишу пока не на время, потом исправляю, улучшаю что могу. Так как "чувство языка " еще сильно не развито (просто стараюсь читать побольше научных статей, чтобы привыкнуть к лексике и оборотам, структурам), то при своих корректировках стараюсь убирать ссылки на it, this, так как не всегда чувствую точно ли понятно что я упоминаю. Если я до экзамена с этим четко не разберусь, то из двух "зол" за что меньше снизят - за лишние слова или за путаницу в понимании?

лучше если shpere заменить на field?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

то при своих корректировках стараюсь убирать ссылки на it, this, так как не всегда чувствую точно ли понятно что я упоминаю. Если я до экзамена с этим четко не разберусь,1. то из двух "зол" за что меньше снизят - за лишние слова или за путаницу в понимании?

2. лучше если shpere заменить на field?

1. both as they represent the same problem and contribute to poor readability

You mean you really don't understand the difference between 'it' and 'this' in cases like that? It's actually quite easy! 'It' generally refers to the last noun/notion in the previous sentence. 'This' refers to the idea on the whole. In the latter case, in relative clauses you can't use 'that' and must use 'which' (non-restirctive, also known as non-defining relative clauses)
genetically modified plants is more efficient as it --> this (=using genetically modified plants) could not only provide ....
genetically modified plants is more efficient as it -->, which (note the comma) could not only provide

2. it's better to rephrase the sentence.

[flameflower]

Maimiti_Isabella, спасибо, что прояснили мне этот момент, я действительно вот этого не знала
"'It' generally refers to the last noun/notion in the previous sentence. 'This' refers to the idea on the whole."
и постоянно путалась. Вы мне уже давали замечание из-за этого на 89 странице в теме о education, сейчас перечитала тот топик, теперь стало понятней как надо. Спасибо. Теперь буду практиковаться правильно применять, а не избегать)))

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Теперь буду практиковаться правильно применять, а не избегать)))

Check your Personal Messages.

[rassel]

Time is infinite

Добрый день, хотела бы представить на обозрение мини-эссе на тему "Время бесконечно". Мне необходима критика для того, чтобы я могла понять с чего мне нужно начать готовиться при написании эссе.
"I decided to write essay after I’ve heard a song about a time. It is all in our life. A time hasn’t a power. It is indefinitely. Time doesn’t have any definition, any tools for stopping. Time is cruelly. We can’t affect the time. Time is long way and it goes without stopping and without returning. All moments of our life we have only once and such moments never can be repeated. Let’s see some babies. Babies are very energetic. Boredom is hard for him, they need to do something all time. They aren’t spent their time without actions. We can observe that it is the most right way to use their time than seating at the computer and impairing your vision as we like to do last time. At all times definition “time” is considered as a mysterious conception. Aristotle created a theory which defined time non infinite. He proved that time isn’t infinite. He considered time as a process. For example, there are can’t be infinite figure, but can be figure more than it exists and can be figure less than it exists. Thereby, Aristotle said that infinite exists in our thoughts only, but in real world it doesn’t exists because everything is measurable and countable. Summarizing, I’d like to say that time can be infinite only at the moment when we are waiting for somebody or something. And to speak about infinite terms of the time is useless because it isn’t so. So phrase “time is infinite” is figuratively."

[krit]

Добрый день, хотела бы представить на обозрение мини-эссе на тему "Время бесконечно". Мне необходима критика для того, чтобы я могла понять с чего мне нужно начать готовиться при написании эссе.
"I decided to write essay after I’ve heard a song about a time. It is all in our life. A time hasn’t a power. It is indefinitely. Time doesn’t have any definition, any tools for stopping. Time is cruelly. We can’t affect the time. Time is long way and it goes without stopping and without returning. All moments of our life we have only once and such moments never can be repeated. Let’s see some babies. Babies are very energetic. Boredom is hard for him, they need to do something all time. They aren’t spent their time without actions. We can observe that it is the most right way to use their time than seating at the computer and impairing your vision as we like to do last time. At all times definition “time” is considered as a mysterious conception. Aristotle created a theory which defined time non infinite. He proved that time isn’t infinite. He considered time as a process. For example, there are can’t be infinite figure, but can be figure more than it exists and can be figure less than it exists. Thereby, Aristotle said that infinite exists in our thoughts only, but in real world it doesn’t exists because everything is measurable and countable. Summarizing, I’d like to say that time can be infinite only at the moment when we are waiting for somebody or something. And to speak about infinite terms of the time is useless because it isn’t so. So phrase “time is infinite” is figuratively."

На мой взгляд помимо грамматики надо работать сначала над структурой

И начинать писать не на произвольные темы, а на темы из учебников (ни разу не встречал настолько абстрактные темы для эссе как у Вас). Вы пишите так как в русском понимается эссе - "а-ля" пространная тема ни о чем. А для IELTS надо немного другое.

Начните читать учебники по IELTS, там все подробно написано как и что писать, каковы критерии оценки, как параграфы должны обозначаться "мысль-параграф"

И совет - сразу пишите на время. Время основная проблема. Надо научиться мгновенно собирать мысли в кучу - мусолить карандаш и вспоминать слова там некогда.

[rassel]

На мой взгляд помимо грамматики надо работать сначала над структурой

И начинать писать не на произвольные темы, а на темы из учебников (ни разу не встречал настолько абстрактные темы для эссе как у Вас). Вы пишите так как в русском понимается эссе - "а-ля" пространная тема ни о чем. А для IELTS надо немного другое.

Начните читать учебники по IELTS, там все подробно написано как и что писать, каковы критерии оценки, как параграфы должны обозначаться "мысль-параграф"

И совет - сразу пишите на время. Время основная проблема. Надо научиться мгновенно собирать мысли в кучу - мусолить карандаш и вспоминать слова там некогда.

Спасибо за совет! Так, пожалуй, и поступлю. Насчет темы согласна))) Она действительно абстрактна) Поскольку я взяла первое попавшееся, что в голову пришло) Буду работать по более конкретным темам и на время. Спасибо большое еще раз.

[Valentinochka]

Прошу посмотреть мое сочинение. На 6-ки сдала с первого раза, теперь вот нужны 7-ки. Буду благодарна, если узнаю, тянет ли мое эссе на 7.

Some people believe that children’s leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they
are a complete waste of time.
Do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge
or experience.

Modern children have mixture variety of free time activities available for them and many adults suppose that time which is not occupied by school must be occupied by exercises which involve supplementary learning. They support the idea by belief that activities with no education components are just idle away hours on useless things.

On the one hand, those who believe in the veracity of the statement might be right. It can be proved by childhood stories of famous persons who being, for instance, well-known musician now, had to learn how to play instruments in leisure time. The other good example to demonstrate positive issues of the statement is people who succeed in overseas career. They explain their success by abilities to speak foreign languages which allow them to join prestige foreign universities and become valuable professionals for potential employers. They point out that acquired proficiency in foreign languages spending their childhood free time on educational purposes.

On the other hand, this practice can have negative impact on infants. Widely-known fact that each certain child has individual abilities in different areas persuades us that some children are good in education while others succeed in something else. Great sportsmen say that when they were children they preferred sport playings to learning additional disciplines. The result of it is evident – they have become professional sportsmen and now are able to achieve high results.

Weighting everything up I would say that there are no reasons to absolutely agree or contradict the statement. I tend to believe that parents must find the right balance between educational and recreation activities. It would be great if each child conducted by parents was able to choose occupations which are most appropriate for them.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Прошу посмотреть мое сочинение. На 6-ки сдала с первого раза, теперь вот нужны 7-ки. Буду благодарна, если узнаю, тянет ли мое эссе на 7.

Some people believe that children’s leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time..

Тема написана так 'хорошо', что вряд ли на 7-ку тянет Если Вы не видите грубейшей ошибки, значит Вам тоже о 7-ке пока рано говорить

[Valentinochka]

тема меня, честно говоря, тоже насторожила но она взята отсюда https://www.teachers.cambridgeesol.org/ts/, а ссылка на этот официальный сайт давалась здесь на форуме, и кажется даже Вами лично

[Maimiti_Isabella]

тема меня, честно говоря, тоже насторожила но она взята отсюда https://www.teachers.cambridgeesol.org/ts/, а ссылка на этот официальный сайт давалась здесь на форуме, и кажется даже Вами лично

Can you give the link to the specific page, please? I just find it absolutely amazing that they are publishing things that the exam actually penalises for. This could be an activity uploaded by a teacher, but still this a poor excuse.
Anyway, I would be greatful for the link.

PS I will have a look at your essay later.

[Valentinochka]

Here is the link https://www.teachers.cambridgeesol.o...71&itemId=2331

You need to registered in the system because you will need to log in to be able to see the paper.

Thank you in advance!