My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[srr]

Спасибо за оценку!

С автором работаем и над структурой, и над achivement , будем стремиться к 5-5.5

[srr]

Ориентир на 4.5 - это зачет

Это для подтверждения Functional English.

[ASliceofLuck]

будем стремиться к 5-5.5

Раз так, гляньте тогда вот здесь -> IELTS Essay Samples of Band 5

Еще в кембриждских past papers примеры на 4.5-5 должны быть.

[Vanderley]

Еще в кембриждских past papers примеры на 4.5-5 должны быть.

Это примеры скорее не про то что делать чтобы 4.5-5 получить, а про то чего не надо делать, чтобы получить хорошая оценка. Читать лучше нормальные эссе(7 и выше).

Но чтобы прикинуть что такое 4.5 те примеры наверняка сойдут.

[Goran Dražić]

Hello everyone. This is the first essay I post here, well, the first relevsnt to its topic to be presice. I would be greatful if you can check it. Criticism in almost any form is welcome


Topic: Children today are too dependant on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pasttimes that spending all day indoors. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?


First of all it is an opinion essay. My personal opinion here is that it is sensible to combine playing outside with spending some time in front of computer. I feel that explaining this opinion will answer the question of the essay.


Brainstorming.




Ideas in favour of spending time outdoors:

• fresh air for effective brain work;
• comminication with peers is crusial for social development;
• physical exercises are benefitial for health;
• eliminate effects of sedentary lifestyle;

Ideas supporting spending sensible time playing computer games:

• variety of games;
• developing games(strategies);
• educational element in some games;

Essay:

If you asked modern children about ways they spend their free time, you would probably find out how much they depend on computers. Many people find this tendency alarmingly dangerous and claim that children should spend as much time as possible on the open-air playing with other children and having enough physical exercise. Others, however, believe that electronic games do no harm and, on the contrary, help children to develop faster. I, personally, believe that there is a way to devote some time to both types of spending pasttime.


Playing with their peers on the open-air can be benefitial for children's mental and phisycal health as well as their social development. Firstly, human brain needs enough oxygen to function properly, which is especially important in childhood when the brain has to absorb and process a lot of new information. Also, spending time actively outdoors is crucial for child's body as this way parents can make sure that child's eyes will not be strained and their posture will not suffer from leading sedentary lifestyle. Finally, by playing with other children and engaging in traditional pasttimes children can learn the skills of communication and competion, which are extremely difficult to live without.


Despite the dangers an excessive use of computer poses, there are ways to eliminate the negative effect and even make playing computer games a productive pasttime. Modern computer games industry provides customers with a variety of games to pick and choose. Wise parent, for example, can present his or her child with a strategy game, which can make a child really good at tacticks and teach them history and geography at the same time. Learning this way often proves to be even more productive than studying same subjects at school. Also, children deprived of the joy of playing computer games can feel unhappy and be envious towards their peers, which can be avoided if they are allowed to play at least a little.


To sum up, I believe that children can plan their spare time in such a way that it will include both computer games and playing outside. It would be sensible, however, if parents control the ammount of time their children spend in front of computer. This way children will stay healthy and be able to enjoy the quality of today's computer games.


Thanks in advance, Goran.

[srr]

Goran, i think it is a great essay. However, I've noticed two minor misspellings:

tacticks - tactics
ammount - amount

As to the task achivement, I suppose the issue of "computers and electronic entertainment" was not covered enough in the field of computers. You wrote mostly about games, and it is clearly the "electronic entertainment". What about serfing the Web or other ways of using computers such as programming, data analysing or even essay writing?

[Goran Dražić]

srr, thank you for your comment.

Spelling indeed is one of my biggest problems and reason for losing points in listening module.

As for the task achievement part let me disagree with you. I don't think it would be relevant to write about programming and data analysing as they have nothing to do with pasttime and entertainment, don't they? However, I don't like my second body paragraph either, I just can't explain why.

[Vanderley]

Только без троллинга

Так это вас троллили? Интересно. Будем знать на будущее

University lecturers are now able to put their lectures on the Internet for students to read and so the importance of attending face to face lectures has been reduced. Do you believe the use of the Internet in formal education is a good idea? What future effects will the Internet have on academic study?

Будем вас судить по всей строгости, вы же знаете что вы тут любимец

Ну что, поехали!

Task achievement. Вы полностью проигнорили один из двух вопросов эссе. Угадайте что за это бывает. Честно признаться я сам такие эссе не люблю. И так же как вы списываете всё на теорию заговора, свой последний фэйл я списываю на дополнительный вопрос в эссе.

Coherence and cohesion. Тут целый набор ошибок. Сначала coherence. Во-первых, во вступлении вы говорите, что есть достоинства и недостатки, но раскрываете только недостатки. Во-вторых ваш второй боди параграф получается из первого отрицанием всех предложений, что тоже плохо. Теперь cohesion. Я не понимаю зачем вам в первом педложении первого body paragraph it is clear и therefore. Вы просто упоминаете 2 факта, которые могут быть соединены при помощи and, откуда там причинно-следственная связь взялась я не знаю. Следующий параграф вы начинаете фразой On the other hand, но контраста с предыдущим параграфом там нету, вы продолжаете писать про недостатки дистанционного обучения. Ещё мне не нравится то, что вы употребили There is clear evidence, но что за доказательство не сказали.

Vocabulary and Grammar.
Internet and other kinds of communications - мне кажется, что интернет это не вид общения.
questionnaire activity - что это такое?
lectures can be captured on the video - capture - Definition from Longman English Dictionary Online . Посмотрите в пункте 4 какое значение имеет глагол capture.
It is originally adopted that - adopt - Definition from Longman English Dictionary Online . Пункт 2. Это типа перенимать, усваивать.
As to me - as for me.
among students and teachers - between students and teachers.
send them to students’ via e-mails
in any time - at any time.
students might be difficult to comprehend - student might find it difficult to comprehend.
only for a few number of students - only намекает что там должно быть мало, но потом идёт a few всесто few.
Obviously, this is inexpensive.

Ну и многие ваши предложения имеют странную структуру. Особенно вот это - I graduated from physical science faculty, I would argue that face to face lectures are more informative than printed/recorded ones. Два предложения связанные запятой. Серьёзно?

Как-то так. Надеюсь мои комментарии будут вам полезны.

[maxxx]

как на ваш взгляд это эссе?
TOPIC: Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work. How do you think children should spend their free time?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. 250 words
I suppose that children’s free time is one of the most frequently discussed questions by methodologists, psychologists and ordinary people. But it doesn’t stop being less disputable because of it topicality. Some people think that children have too much freedom nowadays and it’s better to make them do more useful things, such as doing more homework, helping their parents with housework or going to some additional art, dancing or sport classes. Their opponents are persuading that children are overwhelmed with their studying and must have more free time.
In order to solve this problem we should come to a conclusion what “free time” is and what consequences will have “free” behaviour.
It is widespread point of view that free time is when children are not pushed by adults to do something. They decide themselves what to do: to play with their friends at home or in the neighbourhood, to read books or magazines, to watch TV or maybe to lie in bed and do nothing.
Some psychologists and democratic parents think that in such a case children become more independent; they study on their own mistakes and become wiser and stronger. But there is another opinion. Other scientists and more conservative parents admit that the best free time is changing of activity and it’s better for a child to be always busy with well-organised activities.
To my mind, in the first case children may become lazy bones or be involved into bad companies by their peers. In the second one, they may get bored, tired and irritated by all the things adults make them do.
In conclusion I’d rather say that the solution lies somewhere in the middle.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

как на ваш взгляд это эссе?
TOPIC: Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work. How do you think children should spend their free time?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience (где они?) . 250 words
I suppose that children’s free time is one of the most frequently discussed questions by methodologists, psychologists and ordinary people. But it doesn’t stop being less disputable because of it topicality. Some people think that children have too much freedom nowadays and it’s better to make them do more useful things, such as doing more homework, helping their parents with housework or going to some additional art, dancing or sport classes. Their opponents are persuading that children are overwhelmed with their studying and must have more free time.
In order to solve this problem (классика! Вы хоть подумайте что вы пишете - какую проблему вы собираетесь решить?) we should come to a conclusion what “free time” is and what consequences will have “free” behaviour.
It is widespread point of view that free time is when children are not pushed by adults to do something. They decide themselves what to do: to play with their friends at home or in the neighbourhood, to read books or magazines, to watch TV or maybe to lie in bed and do nothing.
Some psychologists and democratic parents think that in such a case children become more independent; they study on their own mistakes and become wiser and stronger. But there is another opinion. Other scientists and more conservative parents admit that the best free time is changing of activity and it’s better for a child to be always busy with well-organised activities.
To my mind, in the first case children may become lazy bones or be involved into bad companies by their peers. In the second one, they may get bored, tired and irritated by all the things adults make them do.
In conclusion I’d rather say that the solution lies somewhere in the middle.

Просто к Вашему сведению: IELTS tester are quite aware of what in English is called 'the fillers' and in Russian is known as 'рыба'.

На мой взгляд - 6 и не больше. Слишком много клише и много ошибок. Надеюсь, что ошибки и нестыковки кто-нибудь другой разберет.

[Vanderley]

Maimiti_Isabella, подскажите что можно сделать с дополнительными вопросами в эссе как выше в эссе у МАКузнецова. Можно ли ответ на этот вопрос включить в заключение, чтобы не писать целый дополнительный параграф?

[maxxx]

Спасибо большое за критику предыдущего эссе. Мне нужно 7.0.Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, еще одно.
Topic:Universities should accept equal number of male and female students in every subject. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. 250 words

In most countries it is stated by law that men and women have equal rights. It concerns higher education too. It is supposed that all people despite their gender may enter any educational establishment. But, in my opinion, it’s not always true in real life.


It’s vividly seen on the example of Ukraine. It’s proved that there are some spheres where men prevail. They are: politics, managerial positions in industry and executive branches of power, private business. The system of education is not an exclusion too.


On the one hand, there are some specialities at Universities where mostly men are studying. For, example, international relations, cybernetics, information technology, aircraft construction, gas and oil industry. On the other hand, there are pure women specialities. For example, teaching of various subjects, philology, psychology, social work.


It doesn’t mean that somebody’s rights are pinched. To my mind, it only means that there are some professions where men are better suited to and the others are women’s privilege. As for me I can’t imagine a woman dealing with huge heavy mechanisms or working long hours at a factory. It seems unnatural. It also sounds strange when a man works as a nursery school teacher. But, of course, there are exclusions from the rules.


Indeed, I am acquainted to a woman working as an electrical engineer and a man teaching knitting.

To sum up, we are all different. If some people want to have a speciality not associating with their gender it’s their own business to decide. Nobody should ban them to have a choice and freedom to do it.

[Vanderley]

maxxx, разделяйте обзацы пустыми строками, а то читать неудобно.

[Vanderley]

Спасибо большое за критику предыдущего эссе. Мне нужно 7.0.Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, еще одно. Topic:Universities should accept equal number of male and female students in every subject. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. 250 words

Вам обязательно надо писать план, иначе будет очень плохо. Я считаю что очень глупо терять баллы за task achievement и coherence, потому что для этого не нужен английский вообще, а наказывают за это также серьёзно как за грамматику и словарь.

Теперь к критике эссе.

Вы не формулируете проблему во введении. Из вашего введения мне, например, показалось, что вы будете писать про то, как универы иногда дисриминируют по половому принципу, а это не то о чем вас просят в эссе написать.

В основной части вы:
- приводите примеры работ, где работают только мужчины или только женщины;
- приводите примеры специальностей, на которых обучаются преимущественно мужчины или преимущественно женщины;
- объясняете почему это не ущемление прав;
- расказываете о тяжёлой жизни женщины-механика.
Каким образом это относится к вопросу эссе?

Ну и почитайте вопрос эссе и своё заключение.

Предлагаю всем, кто здесь постит эссе, вместе с эссе писать план и постаться его тут, чтобы потом на настоящем экзамене не было обидно за впустую потраченное время.

[srr]

As for the task achievement part let me disagree with you. I don't think it would be relevant to write about programming and data analysing as they have nothing to do with pasttime and entertainment, don't they?

pas‧time [countable]

something that you do because you think it is enjoyable or interesting [↪ [/FONT]hobby]: Reading was her favourite pastime.


I don't think they wrote "computers AND electronic entertainment" for no reason. Surfing the web, chatting with friends, using Facebook - these activities are nothing to do with games, but children do spend a lot of time on them.

I am just trying to criticise otherwise a great essay in it's weak point. It might be the difference between "Fully answered the task" and "Almost fully". However I might be wrong in this point