My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Goran Dražić]

essay on experiments on animals

Some people think that scintists experimenting with animals in a laboratory is the only way we can guarantee new products will be save for human use. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

It is an opinion essay. My opinion is that although experiments on animals have alternatives, still they are the only reliable way to make sure new prosucts are safe.




Short plan:

• Intro. Experiments are cruel, but alternatives are not very reliable;
• 1st body paragraph. Experiments on animals are effective.
• 2nd body paragraph. Existing alternatives.
• Conclusion. So far experiments on animals are the only way to ensure ...

Detailed plan:

• Intro. Dozens of inventions everyday. → Ensure that they are safe before using them. → The most popular way so far → Ethical question. → My opinion.
• 1st body paragraph. Experiments on animals are conducted for more than a 100 years. → Similarity in body structure. → Quicker reactions of body(mice). → Previous reasons make them effective.
• 2nd body paragraph. Attempts to finds a viable alternative. → Computer modelling. → Capabilities of modern computers. → Drawbacks – precision in modelling, lack of knowledge of how our body functions.
• Conclusion. We should continue experimenting. → We should develop other methods to replace existing.

Essay.
Dozens of envention are made every day to improve current standards of living. To start producing a new product the company have to make sure that it is safe for human health. The most widespread way to achieve this goal is to conduct experiments on animals. Some people think that these experiments make animals suffer and therefore should be abolished. I think that although they are right from the ethical point of view, we do not have a viable alternative to replace them with.


Experiments on animals have been being conducted for more than a century. They have proven to be extremely helpful in testing new products because of the similarties between human's and animals's bodies. Moreover, since animals that normally participate in experiments are smaller than humans and thus they react much quicker to any side effects of the product, it is possible to faster spot the problems people may start experiencing only in a long run.


Despite the existance of such an effective method, there has been a series of attemts to find other methods of product testing. The one that appeared to be virtually as precise as experimenting on animal is computer testing. Indeed, modern software allows scientists to model extremally complex systems and simulate processes that happen in human body. Unfortunately, the problem with computer modelling is that scintists still do not completely know how human body operates, which is why computer methods cannot totally replace existing way of testing new products.


To sum up, I am convinced that experiments with animal is the most reliable way to ensure that the pruduct is safe for people. However, I believe that the development of medicine and computer technologies will lead to at least partial replacement of this cruel practise with computer testing.


Thanks for checking. Goran.

[Kathy]

Доброго времени суток, моно и мне к вам..
У меня уровень когда-то может и был хорош..но не было практики больше 10 лет...
Сейчас встал вопрос о переезде, хочу оценить свои шансы. Шаблоны и прочее не использую, использую только то, что осталось от "старых" знаний..хочу узнать "высоко ли мне прижется прыгать".. Была даже мысль попробовать сдать на авось..пока думаю...
Topic
Some people prefer to live in a house, while others feel that there are more advantages to live in an apartment.

I know several people who lives in houses and a lot more of those who lives in apartments and I am one of them too.
The first thing that I would like to pay an attension on is that apartments are usually situated in the border of the city and at that time, houses are built in the countryside. That means that that getting to work or shopping from apartment takes less time then from a house. That also means that there is no need in a car for people living in an apartment. You can get wherever you want by bus, train or subway. When you live in a house a car becomes "the first nesessity thing" to get to work, to get children to school or kindergarden, to go shopping and etc.
At my point of view I see only two advntages of living in a house/ The first one is fresh air wich is good for health and the second one is back-yard - for picnics and barbeques.
I can't say if all written is advantatages or disadvantages of living in a house or living in an apartment. Everyone should make their own decision between where to live: in a house or in an apartment.
There can be no perfect rules how to choose your habitat.

[Goran Dražić]

Доброго времени суток, моно и мне к вам..
У меня уровень когда-то может и был хорош..но не было практики больше 10 лет...
Сейчас встал вопрос о переезде, хочу оценить свои шансы. Шаблоны и прочее не использую, использую только то, что осталось от "старых" знаний..хочу узнать "высоко ли мне прижется прыгать".. Была даже мысль попробовать сдать на авось..пока думаю...
Topic
Some people prefer to live in a house, while others feel that there are more advantages to live in an apartment.

I know several people who lives in houses and a lot more of those who lives in apartments and I am one of them too.
The first thing that I would like to pay an attension on is that apartments are usually situated in the border of the city and at that time, houses are built in the countryside. That means that that getting to work or shopping from apartment takes less time then from a house. That also means that there is no need in a car for people living in an apartment. You can get wherever you want by bus, train or subway. When you live in a house a car becomes "the first nesessity thing" to get to work, to get children to school or kindergarden, to go shopping and etc.
At my point of view I see only two advntages of living in a house/ The first one is fresh air wich is good for health and the second one is back-yard - for picnics and barbeques.
I can't say if all written is advantatages or disadvantages of living in a house or living in an apartment. Everyone should make their own decision between where to live: in a house or in an apartment.
There can be no perfect rules how to choose your habitat.

You have several problem with your essay:
1. The structure of your essay is quite poor. There are no introduction and conclusion. There are just attempts to write them. Also, you have problems with structuring your paragraphs. The main problem here is that there is no topic sentence.
2. You should familiarize yourself with formal writing. There should be no contractions and as few personal pronouns as possible.
3. Finally, you have problems with vocabulary and grammar.

All in all, I would say that this was a band score 5 essay.

Next time you post an essay here, try to write a plan for your essay and post it here. It really helps. Check out my essays to see how it can be done.

Also, please separate your paragraphs with empty lines. This way it is much easier to check them both for us and for a real examiner.

[srr]

We are working on structure, please check the next essay.

Some people say that swimming is good. Others say it is bad. What is your opinion?

There is an opinion that swimming is good for people. Howether, some people have another point of view. I tend to agree, that swimming is a useful skill.

As to the benefits of swimming there are some of them. First of all, swimming is good for health. It trains the breath and the muscle. Moreover, swimming is an interesting water activity. When some people spent there holydays on the sea they could snorkelling and to dive. Espesially it's good for children because they could knew something new about the fish's life under the sea. Another benefit of swim skill is that you could safe somebody's life if he/she would fall into the pool or into the sea.

Futher to the disadvantages of swimming I don't know any of them.

To sum up, I think that swimming is very useful skill for people and for children becouse could help in a different circumstances.

[srr]

Some people think that scintists experimenting with animals in a laboratory is the only way we can guarantee new products will be save for human use. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

It is an opinion essay. My opinion is that although experiments on animals have alternatives, still they are the only reliable way to make sure new prosucts are safe.

Goran, I think that it is really a very good piece of writing. It would be interesting to read criticism from more experienced readers.

[Goran Dražić]

It would be interesting to read criticism from more experienced readers.

Yeah, both interesting and useful.

We are working on structure, please check the next essay.

Some people say that swimming is good. Others say it is bad. What is your opinion?

As far as I remember the author of this essay needs > 4.5. Am I correct?
The structure is more or less ok. The writing is kinda child-like, but it is easier to follow the author.

My advice here would be:
1. Avoid one sentence paragraphs. The one about the disadvantages makes no sense. What I am trying to say is that if there are no disadvantages then don't write about them at all.
2. One body paragraph is not enough for an essay. The author(is it your spouse by the way?) should probably learn some tricks how to make two paragraphs from one if they have no other ideas. In case of this letter I would separate body paragraph into two - good for health and pleasure.
3. Did the author write the plan before writing the essay? This last comment is about the conclusion. When you have a plan it is easy to write it. I mean you just look at your plan and rephrase it. I think that conclusion is the most important part of the essay as it gives the final answer to the question. So, try to make it look like a small summary, perhaps with additional comment.

[srr]

As far as I remember the author of this essay needs > 4.5. Am I correct?
The structure is more or less ok. The writing is kinda child-like, but it is easier to follow the author.

Goran, thank you for checking. Yes, the author is my wife and the target band score >4.5. Your comments are very useful.

[Kathy]

You have several problem with your essay:
1. The structure of your essay is quite poor. There are no introduction and conclusion. There are just attempts to write them. Also, you have problems with structuring your paragraphs. The main problem here is that there is no topic sentence.
2. You should familiarize yourself with formal writing. There should be no contractions and as few personal pronouns as possible.
3. Finally, you have problems with vocabulary and grammar.

All in all, I would say that this was a band score 5 essay.

Next time you post an essay here, try to write a plan for your essay and post it here. It really helps. Check out my essays to see how it can be done.

Also, please separate your paragraphs with empty lines. This way it is much easier to check them both for us and for a real examiner.

Thanks a lot for your cooments, they are really useful, but still can't get why there are only attempts to write introduction and conclusion, what's wrong?

[Goran Dražić]

Thanks a lot for your cooments, they are really useful, but still can't get why there are only attempts to write introduction and conclusion, what's wrong?

It is sometimes ok for an introduction to be short. One sentence, however, is too short. Also, you have to state a problem in a more abstract way, not by telling statistics about your friends and acquaintances.

As for the conclusion, it is very uninformative. All three sentences are equal too "it depends".

By the way, what band score do you need to get?

[Kathy]

It is sometimes ok for an introduction to be short. One sentence, however, is too short. Also, you have to state a problem in a more abstract way, not by telling statistics about your friends and acquaintances.

As for the conclusion, it is very uninformative. All three sentences are equal too "it depends".

By the way, what band score do you need to get?

Ok// that's what I thought about "too short" and "it depands"... well, that"s not so bad
...Don't laugh.. but I need overall 7 // that"s really difficult of course, and I have only about a month to train myself
But that"s Ok i"m used to difficulties

[Kathy]

Прошу прощения... у меня доп. вопрос из разряда "посоветуйте"..поэтому вроде в нудну тему пишу.
Вот имеется тема эссе:
In many countries today insufficient respect is shown to older people. What do you think may be the reasons for this? What problems might this cause in society?
У меня с этой темой настощий "затык"... я даже по-русски не могу толком сформулировать мысль, да и по сути не считаю что старшим недостаточно уважения....ну понятное дело есть "личности" которые ни во что не ставят старших, но это для меня, моего окружения, скорее исключение....
Я уж и форумы всякие обоащила и религиозные и психологические....ну не нашла я там "причин" общего неуважения к старшис...скорее обозначено как проблема какой-то конкретной семьи, воспитания...
Неуважение вижу только со стороны государства - мизерные пенсии, очереди на всякие субсидии и т.п. - но опять же причины...а причина всему этому одно...государству , пардон ща мой френч, Пофиг на нас на всех..и это не только к пожилым относится.
В общем, дайте совет, о чем хоть писать-то...всю голову сломала... у меня прям сегодня день размышлений и раздумий прям

[srr]

Причины например - большая плотность населения, большинство людей что вы видите каждый день вы видите в последний раз. Поэтому люди учатся уважать только членов своей семьи, коллег и т.п. и меньше уделять внимание всем остальным.

Следующая причина - разрушение расширенной семьи. Раньше в одном доме жили 3-4 поколения людей и с детства внушалось уважение к старшим. Сейчас живут 1-2 поколения, поэтому у людей просто нет каждодневного опыта общения и привычки уважать.

Последствия (для пожилых) - у старших тяжелая жизнь становится еще тяжелее без уважения в обществе. Много одиноких стариков, которые доживают свою жизнь в отрыве от общества.

Последствия для общества - у людей появляется чувство неуверенности в будущем, т.к. они видят неуважение к старшим и понимают, что когда-нибудь тоже состарятся.

[Goran Dražić]

Kathy, your post has challenged me

In many countries today insufficient respect is shown to older people. What do you think may be the reasons for this? What problems might this cause in society?

It is an essay of a strange type .

Short plan:
• Intro. Traditional role of older people in society. How situation changes.
• 1st body paragraph. Hurry sickness, material values.
• 2nd body paragraph. Less close relationships inside a family.
• 3rd body paragraph. Fewer children. Even less closeness in family.
• Conclusion. Causes: orientation of our society on money, pace of life. Problems. Include conditional to show possible effects.

Detailed plan:
• Intro. For centuries – important role. → Source of wisdom, advice. → Situation changes, examples. → People are concerned about the effects.
• 1st body paragraph. Changes in society. → Moral values vs material values. → self-centered, self-opinionated. → Hurry sickness → don’t notice old people.
• 2nd body paragraph. The notion of the family changed. → Extended family – core family → Facilities such as kindergartens, schools → Less closeness → do no notice old people.
• 3rd body paragraph. Can lead to serious changes in the society → No one to fall back on. → Won’t create families. Death of the family as an institution.

Essay.
For centuries old people played an important role in the society. It was them whom people would come to to get a valuable piece of advice as they were considered to be a source of wisdom and knowledge. It was them who taught children. However, in the last few decades our attitude to elderly significantly changed to the worse. Many people are concerned about the effect it may have on the society in the future.

One of the reason why people show less respect to older people is social changes. A shift from moral values to material and concentration on never-ending chase of better life have made the society more self-centered, greedy. Also, quite often people suffer from hurry sickness, which prevents us from seeing those near us.

Apart from social changes, a number of changes in the institution of family have happened. First of all, traditional extended family was replaced with core family, which led to less closeness between family members who live far from each other. Also, as it is schools and kindergartens where modern children spend the majority of time, grandparents have become less needed.

The described changes can lead to serious problems with both family and society in general. As people realize that they will not have anyone to fall back on when they are old, the increasing percent of them will probably choose to have no family at all, which in turn will destroy the family as an institution. Moreover, feeling that they are not respected any more, old people may start to feel abandoned, which can result in higher suicide rate among elderly.

To sum up, there are a number of changes in both family and society that alter our attitude to old people. Some of them were caused by the change of values; some are the result of the appearance of new facilities. If no steps are taken to improve the situation, it can lead to a destruction of a family institute and irreversible changes in the society.

Thanks for checking. Goran.

[Kathy]

Kathy, your post has challenged me

In many countries today insufficient respect is shown to older people. What do you think may be the reasons for this? What problems might this cause in society?

It is an essay of a strange type .

Short plan:
• Intro. Traditional role of older people in society. How situation changes.
• 1st body paragraph. Hurry sickness, material values.
• 2nd body paragraph. Less close relationships inside a family.
• 3rd body paragraph. Fewer children. Even less closeness in family.
• Conclusion. Causes: orientation of our society on money, pace of life. Problems. Include conditional to show possible effects.

Detailed plan:
• Intro. For centuries – important role. → Source of wisdom, advice. → Situation changes, examples. → People are concerned about the effects.
• 1st body paragraph. Changes in society. → Moral values vs material values. → self-centered, self-opinionated. → Hurry sickness → don’t notice old people.
• 2nd body paragraph. The notion of the family changed. → Extended family – core family → Facilities such as kindergartens, schools → Less closeness → do no notice old people.
• 3rd body paragraph. Can lead to serious changes in the society → No one to fall back on. → Won’t create families. Death of the family as an institution.

Essay.
For centuries old people played an important role in the society. It was them whom people would come to to get a valuable piece of advice as they were considered to be a source of wisdom and knowledge. It was them who taught children. However, in the last few decades our attitude to elderly significantly changed to the worse. Many people are concerned about the effect it may have on the society in the future.

One of the reason why people show less respect to older people is social changes. A shift from moral values to material and concentration on never-ending chase of better life have made the society more self-centered, greedy. Also, quite often people suffer from hurry sickness, which prevents us from seeing those near us.

Apart from social changes, a number of changes in the institution of family have happened. First of all, traditional extended family was replaced with core family, which led to less closeness between family members who live far from each other. Also, as it is schools and kindergartens where modern children spend the majority of time, grandparents have become less needed.

The described changes can lead to serious problems with both family and society in general. As people realize that they will not have anyone to fall back on when they are old, the increasing percent of them will probably choose to have no family at all, which in turn will destroy the family as an institution. Moreover, feeling that they are not respected any more, old people may start to feel abandoned, which can result in higher suicide rate among elderly.

To sum up, there are a number of changes in both family and society that alter our attitude to old people. Some of them were caused by the change of values; some are the result of the appearance of new facilities. If no steps are taken to improve the situation, it can lead to a destruction of a family institute and irreversible changes in the society.

Thanks for checking. Goran.

OOOOOO...that's a good job! But what can I say.... I 've had the same thoughts about this esse...but when I wrote it, I found that it is more about family, traditions now and then what changed....Non of written cause of unsufficient respect...exept that we have no need in their advice anymore...and their wisdom became "out of a date" for us....
I don't think that "less needed " is the same as "non respect"... Illnes, living far from children - too
about Also, as it is schools and kindergartens where modern children spend the majority of time, grandparents have become less needed.
well... i don't think it correct, people spair their parent's health...because it's a really hard WORK!

Well, maybe I'm not right and the theme is revealed.

[Goran Dražić]

Kathy, the main conclusion we can draw here is: you have to come with at least some ideas and develop them into an answer.

And one more: no one cares what arguments you have chosen unless they are relevant.