My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[sheg]

Plz check this essay, if you will have a spare minute. Any general advice is higly appreciated.


Even though globalization affect the world's economics in a very positive way, its negative side should not be forgotten. Discuss.

In this day and age culturural, religion and national boundaries are fading. Not only this process is beneficial for world economy and overall standarts of living but it even creates new, advanced civilization, that shares all of the intellectual achievements humanity made so far. On the other side of the coin, however, unifying human race may be harmfull for some cultures, destroying their unique characteristics and endanger local businesses that are unable to compete worldwide. In my opinion globalisation is the future of humankind.

At first glance, saving own national identity should be one of the main priorities for any country. To begin with, customs and history, language and architectural wonders these all leaves their mark in the heart of any citizen. Secondly, there are obvious economic advantages of closed business model. Local industries and manufacturers can not only satisfy needs of customers in the best possible way, knowing each and every specific demand, but also their income benefits to the local population in form of taxes. And last but not least is the unique way in which people of different beliefs look at the world. Only because of those uneven background we have Tolsoy's books and Shakespeare's plays which are similar and yet so distinguishable individual.

Nevertheless, a thorough analysis identifies a range of globalization positive sides. First of all, it is ongoing process from the dawn of times. During the whole known history people desire to unite creating more and more coplex structures to satisfy that need. Tribes, kingdoms alliances and unions these all are different ways of cooperation. Therefore, globalization is just a question of scale. Furthermore, wars and suffering, hunger and poverty of millions of people can be ended with just or at least optimal resources distribution. It may be possible with the help of world goverment that rules without descrimination or beneficiaries.

Once again, unique perks of each country are worth saving. Nonetheless, all things considered, i am inclined to belive that globalization is only right thing to do in the long run.

338 words, 38 minutes.

[Goran Dražić]

You must have done something wrong in "Task Achievement". What do you think?

I think it could have easily been anything else. They didn't provide any comments on my writing. Were you implying something? I'm not good at reading between the lines.

[Anmíng]

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on your children. Do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

I tend to agree that children can be negatively affected by too much time spent on the computer every day. This is partly because sitting in front of a screen for too long can be damaging to both the eyes and the physical posture of a young child, regardless of what they are using the computer for.

However, the main concern is about the type of computer activities that attract children. These are often electronic games that tend to be very intense and rather violent. The player is usually the hero of the game and too much exposure can encourage children to be self centred and insensitive to others.

Even when children use a computer for other purposes, such as getting information or emailing friends it is no substitute for human interaction. Spending time with other children and sharing non virtual experiences is an important part of a child's development that cannot be provided by a computer.

In spite of this the obvious benefits of computer skills for young children cannot be denied. Their adult world will be changing constantly in terms of technology and the internet is the key to all the knowledge and information available in the world today. Therefore it is important that children learn at an early age to use the equipment enthusiastically and with confidence as they will need these skills throughout their studies and working lives.

I thing the main point is to make sure that young children do not overuse computers. Parents must ensure that their children learn to enjoy other kinds of activity and not simply sit at home, learning to live in a virtual world.

[Maria Mirabell]

I think it could have easily been anything else. They didn't provide any comments on my writing. Were you implying something? I'm not good at reading between the lines.

No, I'm not implying anything it's just logical that when a person with what seems to me flawless English gets 7.5, he must have screwed Task Achievement. Was 7.5 enough in your case or are you after a higher score?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Even though globalization affectS the world's economics in a very positive way, its negative side should not be forgotten. Discuss.

Did you really have to copy the essay topic from a fishy Chinese (Korean, South American, Russian, etc) website? Check out the meaning and usage of the word economics in any reputable and trustworthy dictionary!

BTW, this is not an IELTS topic but rather TOEFL, judging from the wording.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on your children. Do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

I tend to agree that children can be negatively affected by too much time spent on the computer every day. This is partly because sitting in front of a screen for too long can be damaging to both the eyes and the physical posture of a young child, regardless of what they are using the computer for.

However, the main concern is about the type of computer activities that attract children. These are often electronic games that tend to be very intense and rather violent. The player is usually the hero of the game and too much exposure can encourage children to be self centred and insensitive to others.

Even when children use a computer for other purposes, such as getting information or emailing friends it is no substitute for human interaction. Spending time with other children and sharing non virtual experiences is an important part of a child's development that cannot be provided by a computer.

In spite of this the obvious benefits of computer skills for young children cannot be denied. Their adult world will be changing constantly in terms of technology and the internet is the key to all the knowledge and information available in the world today. Therefore it is important that children learn at an early age to use the equipment enthusiastically and with confidence as they will need these skills throughout their studies and working lives.

I thing (think) the main point is to make sure that young children do not overuse computers. Parents must ensure that their children learn to enjoy other kinds of activity and not simply sit at home, learning to live in a virtual world.

I think you might get 6.5 or even 7 for this essay. The essay's flow is nice and easy to follow, the readability is good. There are no major problems the prevent understanding and your points are clearly stated.

Some of the mistakes that are easy to 'fix':

• punctuation after linking words. After 'therefore', 'moreover', 'on the other hand' and the like we need a comma (Therefore, it is important...).
• there's a comma before 'for example', and it was appropriate, but you forgot to put the comma when this example was finished.

Equipment -> device / tool / technology etc

And as Goran Dražić already mentioned, your introductions are very weak. You need to work on your introduction as there are quite a few lecturers / tutors out there who are very particular about essay introductions .

[Goran Dražić]

a person with what seems to me flawless English

Flattery will get you nowhere

he must have screwed Task Achievement

Another possible area that is less connected with basic English and more connected with writing skills is Coherence and Cohesion. I could've screwed CC(or both). And I still believe that I didn't get 9s for vocabulary and grammar.

Was 7.5 enough in your case or are you after a higher score?

No, but luckily it's close, so I guess quite soon I will be able to get required result

[Silk_Road]

Друзья пожалуйста покритикуйте и это essay !!!

Друзья пожалуйста покритикуйте и это essay !!! Я первый раз здесь. Спасибо заранее

Today more people are traveling than ever before.
Why is this the case?
What are the benefits of traveling for the traveller ?

Throughout the human evolution, traveling was the means of information exchange among the nations of the world. From ancient times people used to travel to neighbouring cities and even to foriegn countries. Traveling has been beneficial both for traveler and for receiving country. In the following paragraph, I will analyze the reason for increase for traveling and its benefits to traveler.

There are many factors which stimulate the increase of the number of people travel every year.
Firstly, the development of Internet and the other means of information resources enabled people to find information about the places of their interest easily. Easy access to information makes whole traveling simple, consequently the number of people are increasing.

Secondly, the modern means of transports are also one of the factors that directly influences the number of people travel. For instance, fast trains are allowing people to move from one place to another without wasting much time. In addition, with today’s modern airlines people can travel to any place in the world. Using above mentioned facilities travelers are able to make their journeys within their annual leave.

Thirdly, the safety is additional reason which effects traveling. In the past centuries many countries were not safe due to wars. For example, during the Second World War, traveling in Europe was quite difficult because of military operations. Nowadays, exept few countries, most tourist destinations are safe. Researches indicate that about 30% of the tourists, befotre making any decision for traveling to particular country, initially think about security issues.

Finally, the affordability of the prices for tour services has lead to increase in traveling. Companies in tourism industry are facing high competition which lead to decrease in prices for tour offers in recent years. Thus, made traveling affordable for majority.

In addition, traveling has many benefits for traveler as well. People traveling to forieng countries learn about the culture of inhabitants of that place. Furthermore, traveling is a great means of information exchange between people. For instance, tourists that travel to China or other countries can closely learn about the economy and social life of the country. In the history almost all the scientific inventions were spread by travelers.

Lastly, traveling enhances the knowledge of an individual. During the travel tourists can learn about the people and the nature of the destination. So he or she may enhance geographical and ethnographic knowledge.

In summary, based on the facts above I can state that increase in traveling is mostly due to technological advances and traveling has number of benefits for both traveler and receiving country.

[Esperanca]

Maria Mirabell, если Вам не трудно, не могли бы Вы выставить здесь свое эссе, написанное на 9? Многим тут нужны 8, а вот представления о том, как выглядит эссе на 8-9 весьма расплывчатое, да и в интернете примеры в основном все ограничиваются 7-8 максимум. А так, мы хоть посмотрим как должно выглядить эссе на высший балл и будем знать к чему стремиться.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Друзья пожалуйста покритикуйте и это essay !!! Я первый раз здесь. Спасибо заранее

Today more people are traveling than ever before.
Why is this the case?
What are the benefits of traveling for the traveller ?

Это с какого китайского сайта списали?

Throughout the human evolution, traveling was the means of information exchange among the nations of the world. From ancient times people used to travel to neighbouring cities and even to foriegn countries. Traveling has been beneficial both for traveler and for receiving country..

Об'ясните, пожалуйста, логику употребления времен: в первой части простое прошедшее, что означает, что действие закончено, т.е. ни эволюции больше нет, ни путешествий для обмена информацией. И вдруг вы без всяких видимых причин переходите на present perfect, т.е. вдруг оказывается что не все еще закончено?

Таким образом - серьезные просчеты с употреблением времен. Т.е. Вы еще не 'почувствовали' какие времена и когда употреблять.

Плюс - отсутствие необходимых артиклей.

In the following paragraph, I will analyze the reason for increase for traveling and its benefits to traveler.

В след. абзаце вы намерены дать ответ на вопрос эссе. Зачем тогда последующие абзацы? Второе. Употребление слова reason в ед. числе противоречит последующим размышлениям на тему factors

Проблемы с артиклями, опять же.


Таким образом, Ваша главная проблема на данном этапе - уровень английского языка и coherence. Но последнее вполне возможно не отдельная проблема, а составляющая общего уровня английского.

Одна из самых серьезных проблем Body paragraphs - артикли. Я бы посоветовала начать именно с них.


И последнее, я так и не поняла о чем эссе: о бенефитах для страны или для людей? In addition, traveling has many benefits for traveler as well. - почему это практически в конце эссе, когда вроде как все эссе должно быть на эту тему, с об'яснением причин. Точно также заключение совершенно не облегчает ситуацию. Вы зачем-то пишете о странах, когда эссе должно быть о travellers. Таким образом вы теряете баллы за task achievement.

Я не знаю какой балл Вам нужен, но если выше 6.5, то начинать надо все-таки с английского.

[Silk_Road]

Maimiti_Isabella,

Спасибо вам огромное за критику !!! Так и начну с слабых сторон. Я думаю, что вы точно оценили мой уровень, так как я получил 6,5 за writing (готовился, самостоятельно изучая только структуру ielts сочинений, где то 1,5 месяца, после этого не готовился и тока начал 10 дней назад) это было весной прошлого года. Мне очень надо дотянуть мой score до семерки. Планирую сдать в Апреле этого года.
Если у вас есть время укажите пожалуйста, где я какой артикль пропустил и какие еще проблемы.
Кстати ,тему я списал из Cambridge IELTS 8 (General Module A writing task 2)
Заранее спасибо
Привет из Самарканда !!!

[Maria Mirabell]

Maria Mirabell, если Вам не трудно, не могли бы Вы выставить здесь свое эссе, написанное на 9? Многим тут нужны 8, а вот представления о том, как выглядит эссе на 8-9 весьма расплывчатое, да и в интернете примеры в основном все ограничиваются 7-8 максимум. А так, мы хоть посмотрим как должно выглядить эссе на высший балл и будем знать к чему стремиться.

Нет проблем, только я не смогу воспроизвести то сочинение, которое я накатала на 9ку, я даже промпт не помню. Но у меня полно сочинений, которые я писала во время подготовки и которые были проверены экзаменаторами Айлтс (за большие австралийские баксы) и которые были оценены на больше чем 8 (9 мне никто не обещал, да и мне надо было 8.
Одна оговорка, я в своих сочинениях использую выработанные мной путем многих проб и ошибок фразы, которые я ни с кем делить не хочу, пока не получу 8ки во всех 4 аспектах языка и мне больше не надо будет этот долбанный айлтс сдавать. Так что если 27 числа я узнаю, что у меня все оценки 8 или выше, я выложу все что у меня есть - ноу проблем.
Я только хочу оговориться, что я тут в Австралии преподаю английский в старшей школе (офигеть - сама не верю !), так что.... Но у меня знакомые есть нейтивы, которые профессиональные публикуемые писатели из ЮК и 8, 8.5 получали. В общем этот экзамен ничего толком не отражает, особенно если речь идет о чем то выше 7.5

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Кстати ,тему я списал из Cambridge IELTS 8 (General Module A writing task 2)
Заранее спасибо
Привет из Самарканда !!!

Today more people are traveling than ever before.
Why is this the case?
What are the benefits of traveling for the traveller

Ну никак не могут они написать выделенное слово сначала с одним 'l', а потом с двумя Никак не могут! Кстати, в BrE - double 'l', AmE - one 'l'.


С артиклями много проблем всюду.

Traveling has been beneficial both for the traveler and for the receiving country. In the following paragraph, I will analyze the reasons for the increase for in traveling and its benefits to the traveler

И еще. Посчитайте сколько раз вы повторили слово travel в разных формах в одном и том же предложении. Как вы считаете о чем это говорит? - о слабом словарном запасе. Английский не любит повторений. Учитесь перефразировать, использовать синонимы и т.д. Впрочем, это все идет вместе с развитием уровня языка.
Я бы Ваш английский на данным момент охарактеризовала бы как good upper-intermediate, а на 7 и 7.5 требуется хороший advanced.


ПС в Самарканде никогда не была, но как раз недавно об этом говорили. У друзей сын недавно вернулся из ваших краев, мы фотографии смотрели, вот и 'захотелось'.

[Silk_Road]

Maimiti_Isabella,

Спасибо за коменты !!!
Любое время, когда решитесь поехать к нам в Самарканд, то обязательно напишите мне в личику, я вас встречу, будете моими гостями. Покажу весь город и угощу вас как следует по восточным обычаям.
Я это вам от души говорю.
Еще раз спасибо за критику, буду стараться усердно до Апреля.

[LegendaProGuba]

My essay

Я только начинаю учиться писать эссе. Все замечания для меня будут очень важны.Попрошу также предложить идеи, чтобы дополнить эссе.Заранее спасибо !
People naturally resist making changes in their lives.
What kind of problems can this cause? What solutions can you suggest?

In the modern world most people don’t want to make any change in their lives and there is no matter it is big or small change.
Perhaps the main reason for this alarming fact is the fear.For instance fear of the unknown,what will be when they add or remove something from their lives.Not only fear,but also confidence plays an important role in this problem.People aren’t believing in themselves.Consequently some people live simply,although they don’t take any pleasure from life.And often people start to search pleasure from different things,such as smoking,alcohol and drugs.All of them may have bad end.

By far the best way to tackle this situation is add something fresh to life.For example most of employers don’t like their jobs.Life is too short to do what we hate and our job takes a big part of our short life.So this is not just job satisfaction,it is life satisfaction .This people should change their jobs and do what they really love .Another way to eradicate this problem is more global changes, like move away to live in another country.I agree that they might have many problems at the beginning, like new culture and language.However by the time, they will find themselves a part of the new society.By doing these,people’s lives become more diverse and interesting.

So,taking everything into account mentioned above,I suggest people to not afraid to change their lives,because it is just their lives and nobody has the right to criticize them in this.

245 words.23 hours