My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Франческа]

Простите, а о чем эссе?

Прочитайте вопрос эссе и задание и тогда увидите, что Ваше эссе отвечает совсем на другой вопрос. В задании - people, а у Вас - Women.
В задании о provide free staff and facilities to care for their children, а у Вас - the quality of life of women.
В задании - what extent do you agree or disagree to this idea, а у Вас вообще ничего нет.

Generally speaking, для того чтобы написать эссе на 6 и выше надо отвечать на вопрос. 5 и 5.5 еще можно получить за счет неплохого английского кандидата, но выше - увы!

ОЙ, сорри, в задании написано вимин! Это я опечаталась!
Насчет эгри - не эгри, вообще-то последний абзац так и начинается " I personally think..."

[Maimiti_Isabella]

ОЙ, сорри, в задании написано вимин! Это я опечаталась!
Насчет эгри - не эгри, вообще-то последний абзац так и начинается " I personally think..."

Yes, but the topic was originally different -' people' as in the task.

Next time - don't take topics from Chinese websites. You can't say 'subsidize women' in this context. Besides, this is IELTS, so it should be 'subsidise', as is in BrE. And 'free staff' is also Chinglish.

Для справки: Лично я не проверею эссе, в кот. тема сформулирована с ошибками.

[Франческа]

Women play (т.к наверное они играют-то роль always)
like men do. на like men have. Т.е либо "like men have" or "so have men",
On the other side. Не лучше On the other hand?


Сугубно имхо..) Может и не прав, тогда просьба поправить, дабы сам знал)

И, вроде, для Secondly нужно обязательно вступление, (Firstly etc.)

Советую почитать структуру эссе.. чтобы более соответствовало идеалу) А лексика мне очень понравилась...да и точка зрения присутствует)

Спасибо большое за замечания!
насчет like men have... в первой части стоит women can make, моя грамматика подсказывает мне что нужно do (can).
on the other side- on the other hand - считаю их синонимами)

[Франческа]

Yes, but the topic was originally different -' people' as in the task.

Next time - don't take topics from Chinese websites. You can't say 'subsidize women' in this context. Besides, this is IELTS, so it should be 'subsidise', as is in BrE. And 'free staff' is also Chinglish.

Для справки: Лично я не проверею эссе, в кот. тема сформулирована с ошибками.

Ah, I see, thx so much for your comments! Appreciate it!

4.More and more women go out to work. Is it the government’s responsibility to subsidize them and provide free staff and facilities to care for their children? To what extent do you agree or disagree to this idea?

[natalya_ielts]

А мне кажется In addition слишком рано..
Может лучше Also?



наверное имеется ввиду еще раньше? До письма.. хотя тут NG..

про in addition тоже подумала, что не совсем подходит - лучше also.

я хотела сказать "не могла отвечать сразу как только получила письмо тк болела и находилась в больнице".

[Agathis]

Balamut5, Maimiti_Isabella, спасибо за советы. Я сократилл essay, и, по существу, переписал его заново .

Maimiti_Isabella, мне нужен балл at least 6.5.
Many people believe that television programs are of no value for children. Do you agree? Why or why not? Provide reasons and examples to support your response.

Nowadays, television has become an inalienable part of our life. Children can learn a lot from TV and shouldn’t be prevented from watching it. I completely disagree with the statement of the topic and in the following paragraphs ideas and examples supporting my opinion will be provided.
Television is an important source of information, that cannot be substituted by others. Of course we have Internet, radio and etc., but the importance of the role of television has been kept unchanged since it was invented. Children of different ages can find programs that will be interesting and useful for them and make an important contribution to their nurture and education. For instance, according to recent research, that was conducted in USA, children, who were prohibited by their parents from watching TV demonstrated the lack of communication abilities and emotional development.
Some people claim there are a lot of cruelty on television nowadays and that it is one of the main reasons for increasing in crime. But every parent should remember that there are always ways to shield your child from harmful impact of particular TV programs. They can be previewed and selected by a family to ensure that a baby wouldn’t be exposed to a content he shouldn’t see. I can bring an example of my own family. While growing up, me and my brother were allowed to only watch programs our family had approved. But the selection was quite good and watching TV programs that our parents had chosen to us significantly enriched our knowledge and understanding of life.
In the conclusion, there are a lot of good programs that can be very useful for children. But parents, who are responsible for their growing up and safety, must always control the content.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

......

как всегда, сначала общие замечания. Эссе написано неплохо, с точки зрения структуры и flow of ideas. Вы отвечаете четко на вопрос и не отклоняетесь от темы.
Но с точки зрения английского языка, Ваше эссе довольно скучно. Каждое предложение напоминает предыдущее. Нет разнообразия ни в структуре предложений, ни в словарном запасе. Еще одна проблема - 'русские запятые'. Если будете 'знакомиться' с правилами употребленя запятых, ни в коем случае не используйте американские сайты.

Надо продолжать серьезно работать над развитием английского: у Вас для этого есть все 'данные', так как Вы практически не делаете грамматических и стилистических ошибок. Так что - все в Ваших руках.

И последнее, скажите пожалуйста, откуда Вы взяли эту тему? Дайте, пожалуйста, ссылку на сайт или книгу.

Ссылка на эссе: http://www.gday.ru/forum/members/mai...29-agathis.jpg

[Agathis]

Maimiti_Isabella, thanks a lot for your remarks. I found the topic for my essay on this page Sample IELTS Essay 2

I haven't understood the meaning of the numbers you put above every my mistake. Is it some kind of index of a mistake?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, thanks a lot for your remarks. I found the topic for my essay on this page Sample IELTS Essay 2

I haven't understood the meaning of the numbers you put above every my mistake. Is it some kind of index of a mistake?

Oops, sorry. For some reason the notes at the bottom of the page (they were not footnotes!) disappeared. I will fix this tonight.

[Agathis]

Can you please check this essay. This one was hard for me so I expect there to be a lot of mistakes in my writing. I've chosen it only to train myself in complicated topics.
Maimiti_Isabella, can you kindly suggest some materials on punctuation that you consider as good. I really have a big problem with this.

Improvement in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poor nations. However, the government of the richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Several richest countries posses the major part of the worlds wealth, whereas millions of people in poor regions are starving. There are still a lot of countries on our planet, which development is dozens years behind the time. I complitely agree that the governments of the richer nations should take more responsibility for supporting poorer countries in health, education and trade.
Without help from the outside world the developing countries would experience a great difficulty with maintaning their economies. The reason for this is that all means they have go for survival. By providing financinal support and by establishing more trade relationship an economic situation can be significantly improved. To illustrate this let us take the example of Malaysia. It had the great economic support from the USA and China that has led to development of the external market and growth in the nation welfare.
Another very important area in which the rich nations can aid the poorer is medicine. They can send doctors and cures in order to improve the domestic health services. For instance, such kind of assistance is given to the countries of the Centeral Africa, where awful deceases were killing millions of people every year. Overseas remedies reduced the number of deaths in several times. Developing regions are also needed of help in education. There are some programs that allow students from this areas to gain their education in Universities abroad, although their amount is not satisfactory. In African schools the are a lot of European and American teachers helping to improve the undergraduate education.
The support, given nowadays to the poorer nations is insufficient for establishing normal life conditions. There are still more than half a billion people suffering from hunger in the world. Moreover, this number is constantly increasing.
In conclusion, poor nations are extremely needed of all kind of help considered in this topic. There are still a lot of efforts to be made before an average family welfare will become satisfactory in every country.

[Kress]

Congratulations on the first try!

I see that your husband seriously approached the topic and aimed at reviewing it from all the angles. It gave integrity to the essay.

Still, we should not forget that the recommended number of words in an essay is 250. This requirement makes essay writing a challenging task. A student has to be concise and yet precise in a way how they express themselves. So, it is important to use correct vocabulary (phrases, collocations, linking words, etc.) and arrange the essay logically, so readers don't have any doubts about student's thoughts.

You husband needs to practice concise writing when he follows a strict structure. For instance, the first 3 paragraphs of this essay could have been combined into 2-3 sentences to form the introduction. I would advise to re-write this essay a couple of times till it becomes 'perfect'.
What do you think?

Спасибо за комментарий!
В ближайшее время постараюсь обязательно переписать это эссе!
Теперь выкладываю уже от своего имени (Scrach-cat - моя жена)

Проверьте, пожалуйста, еще одно "творение" За бредовость идей не пинать

Task:
Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay:

Many years women fought for their rights and tried to achieve an equableness with men. As a result of this fight the most of public institutions try to give equal possibilities for the both sexes, and universities are not exception. The most of them should accept equal number of male and female students in every subject. Sometimes this point of view is right, however in some situations it is really wrong and must not exist.
On the one hand, if there are many candidates of both sexes, male and female, for certain subject, more than, for example, vacant places on the course, universities should accept equal number of men and women. If men and women are divided equally, no one will be upset and there no conflicts.
On the other hand, there are many special subjects in universities, which oriented only for men or women, but not for both. For example, such subjects as mechanics or hydrodynamics are only for male students, women are not interested in these themes. I think for these specialized types of subjects universities should accept all people, who wish study or keen on these specialties. For instance, when I studied at university there was only one girl in our group. This situation occurred because of very small number of female students prefer a computer programming, because it is so difficult to understand and so boring.
As for me the equableness between a number of male and female students must not be an axiom, because some occupations, sciences and subjects are only for men, and some – only for women.

-----------------Total: 263 words

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, thanks a lot for your remarks. I found the topic for my essay on this page Sample IELTS Essay 2

I haven't understood -> didn't undestand the meaning of the numbers you put above every my (no need) mistake. Is it some kind of index of a mistakeS?

• 1. These two words simply don’t go together. While 'inalienable' is highly formal and is not used in everyday English, ‘lot’ is informal. We’ve got a clear case of register mix-up here
• 2. Don’t ever use contractions in essays!
• 3. ' But’, ‘and’ and ‘or’ are conjunctions and thus can’t start a new sentence.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, can you kindly suggest some materials on punctuation that you consider as good. I really have a big problem with this.

Во-первых, Вам надо посмотреть самой (в интернете полно!) commas in relative clauses and commas in conditional sentences. Первое - ам. или британcкий - значения не имеет. Второе - британский гораздо более flexible. ваши ошибки именно на relative clauses.

Общее правило такое: в английском языке запятые разделяют, в то время как в европейский языках они соединяют. Т.е. нельзя поставить запятую между двумя предложениями, если нет соединительных слов.

Чуть попозже я посмотрю свои 'запасы' и дам ссылку на основные правила пунктуации (не только запятые). Или даже выложу файл в виде картики.

[Kress]

Представляю SP 2 моего эссе про музыку

Balamut5, прошу сильно не ругаться, много Ваших замечаний перекочевали в новую версию Я не списывал, просто изучил подробно замечания, и все Ваши идеи сами собой влезли в голову при написании
Task:

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Text:

There are many different types of music in the world today. What is music? Formally, this is a set of notes, which are only seven! Despite their tiny quantity there are a huge number of compositions. Why do we need music? I think no one have a single answer for this question. It is rhetorical! Some people turn to music to uplift their spirit, some people, on the contrary, listen music to get into feelings of sadness and depression.
Also, music can create an atmosphere of culture of certain country. This type of music is named as traditional music. Every community in the world has its own style of music. Songs and melodies of each country are very important part if its history, culture and traditions. That is why we have not rights to lose piece of our history which was created by our parents and grandparents with hardness.
Unfortunately, modern generation doesn’t want to save culture of their countries and prefers only modern music which is heard everywhere nowadays. Modern music has more variations because of there are many possibilities of sound creation. We can use only one computer to synthesize any sound, for example, sounds of piano or guitar. Modern sounds are more attractive to young people.
I consider all types of music have rights for existence. All of them are parts of cultures of certain communities, countries and whole nations. One day modern music will become a part of history for our children…

--------Total: 246 words

[Favorite]

Буду очень благодарен за оценку моего эссе. Спасибо.
1. тема из учебника.
2. экзамен через неделю, на что тяну?

In many counties schools have severe problems with student behaviour. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?


A question how to hearten students to devote their time, energy and actions to studying instead of demonstrating objectionable conduct is a frequent topic of discussion in educational authority circles. A great number of schools throughout the world undergoes the negative student behaivour and attitude.

The most significant reason for such situation is that students feel lack of any interest in studying and perceive leaning as a complete useless occupation. Indeed, many subjects are taught now likewise it has been done the last centuries. For instance, studying history or physics without visual presentation seems to many teenagers boring. Moreover, it is not a secret that a teacher work and role in a school are undervalued, consequently, the students treat the teachers without a desirable respect.

Many governments and ordinary citizens are worried about mitigating the student conduct in the schools. In my opinion, some steps could be undertaken for improving the situation. To begin with, a student should have a chance to choose the subjects he or she has an aptitude for. Although, it is up to parents and teachers to explain the teenagers an importance of a concrete course for their subsequent career. Secondly, schools should use the computers, Internet and other technical up-to- date devices to educate the students. Perhaps, it will embolden the students to study insomuch as they may display their skills and experience in the technological field. Besides, without enhancing the teacher work prestige the student behaviour will change scarcely.

To sum up, I agree that the problem of juvenile conduct in schools has existed at all times. Nevertheless, I strongly believe that our joint efforts will be successful in future encouraging the students to study instead of conflicting.