My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[mencius]

Гугель только что подтвердил, что 'сейчас' пишется как 'щас", а 'хорошо' как 'карашо'

Но я спорить не буду. Пешите как хатите. It's your life!

Пожалуй так и сделаю, только не понятно что за притензии ко мне? Я вас заставляю писать "щас" или проверять сочинение? Не нравится тема - пожалуйтесь в IELTS. Не хотите читать, так и не читайте, а желчью брызгать совсем не обязательно.

[Nicole@]

Здрасте всем.Мне 16.Айелз сдаю 2 раз.Нужно поднять бал с 6.5 до 7.0 в райтинге.Занимаюсь сама.Помогите пожалуйста с проверкой моих эссе которые я буду время от времени присылать.Заранее спасибо))).Вот первое произведение...
Topic

“In some countries children have very strict rules of behaviour, in other countries they are allowed to do almost anything they want , To what extent should children have to follow rules?”

To which extent children have to follow the strict social rules is a very controversial issue. Every culture in the world has composed its own system of rules of behaviour as, for instance, in Islamic countries according to their religion, it is ultimately for girls to wear special clothes covering their heads. Meanwhile, in Asian countries, especially in China, children possess a wide range of activities they allowed to do. But, does the following strict rules of behaviour occur beneficial impact on children’s development or will it cause unpleasant consequences and backfires?

There is an army of people considering that such system of orders contribute to construction of family values, respectful and responsible attitude to other people as well as to the nature and all the environment. They are said to enhance “children’s love” to all living beings. Due to this list of the strictest regulations children have to be obedient, submissive and calm which eases their parents’ life.

Nevertheless, these “laws” stop children’s spiritual and physical growth as they are put in certain patterns of behaviour which they are not allowed to escape from. Such a “cultural box” leads to child’s inability to maintain his individuality/If a child has no personal view or room he will never figure out who he is, what his life targets are and how to achieve them.

Thus, it can be concluded that children should follow the rules produced by society but they must not be imposed on them as children have a need to build their own life independently and to emphasize the dominant features of their character. If they were not given such opportunities they would never find themselves in our world.

38 minutes

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Пожалуй так и сделаю, только не понятно что за притензии ко мне? Я вас заставляю писать "щас" или проверять сочинение? Не нравится тема - пожалуйтесь в IELTS. Не хотите читать, так и не читайте, а желчью брызгать совсем не обязательно.

Absolutely beautiful!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Здрасте всем.Мне 16.Айелз сдаю 2 раз.Нужно поднять бал с 6.5 до 7.0 в райтинге.
Занимаюсь сама. - а вот это зря!

Судя по этому эссе, у вас просто пока не хватает английскийго и/или навыков для подобного задания.

“In some countries children have very strict rules of behaviour. In other countries they are allowed to do almost anything they want. To what extent should children have to follow rules?”

To which extent children have to follow the strict social rules is a very controversial issue. - 2 major problems with this sentence. 1. You're repeating the wording of the topic and, hence, don't demonstrate your ability to use a good range of vocab. As a result, this words won't be counted towards the total number of the words in the essay. Secondly, you're using a very tired cliché, which again means that your vocab. is not quite developed yet. This sentence doesn't contribute to the essay and is redundant.

Every culture in the world has composed its own system of rules of behaviour as, for instance, in Islamic countries according to their religion, it is ultimately for girls to wear special clothes covering their heads.1. The text highlighted in green sounds very awkward because 'according to their religion doesn't seem to belong anywhere. You can either cut it out or put a comma before 'according' and thus 'according to their religion' becomes additional information. 2. Check the meaning of the word in yellow and you'll see that it doesn't fit here. 3. special clothes - you don't cover your head with clothes -> a scarf/ scarves / head covering

children possess a wide range of activities they allowed to do - 1. 'possess' and 'activities' don't collocate, i.e. they are not used together. 2. they are allowed to do.

But, does the following strict rules of behaviour occur beneficial impact on children’s development or will it cause unpleasant consequences and backfires? -this sentence is seriously crooked and doesn't make sense at all. There are quite a few problems here that I'm sure you'll be able to sort out. The thing that I would like to point to is the inappropriate usage of 'but', which is a conjunction and not a linking word.

В общем, надо работать над англйским прежде всего.

[Silk_Road]

Пожалуйста покритикуйте этот essay
It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be.
Give some reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families can be brought together. Include any relevant examples from your own experience.

The family life has considerably changed over the past few decades. Today, it is more evident that families are becoming less friendly to each other than it was in the past. In the following paragraphs I will analyze the reason for above changes and offer my suggestions to improve the situation.

It is believed that today’s competitive life with it’s hardships has significantly influenced people’s approach to the friendship and the relations in general. Nowadays, every individual works hard to earn more money and make a good career. As result, this hectic lifestyle limits the opportunity of the person to see his friends or relatives frequently, which eventually puts the end to the friendship.
Furthermore, old traditions which obliged us to see our acquaintances during the traditional holidays are less practiced than ever before. This observed lack of practice of traditions is also making it’s enormous “contribution” to weaken the friendship ties between the families.

However, there are number of ways that can help to maintain and develop closer relation among the people. Firstly, I believe that in order to keep close affairs with each other, the families should have common interests. For example, they must have a will to do certain things or to spend their spare time together. Doing activities jointly will enable them to learn each other’s wishes and interests more closely which leads to mutual understanding and long lasting relationship amongst families . Secondly, festivities and events should be celebrated by inviting friends and other families. For instance, in some cultures during the special holidays, there is a tradition of sharing food and drinks with other friends or members of community. There is no doubt that such practice will make friendship ties strong and has uniting effect on people. In addition, above mentioned festivities is also the place where one can make friends.

In conclusion, although the present lifestyle and the lack of following the customs have negatively affected relationship between families, I firmly believe that by having common interest and sharing their happy days together, will enable to recover those lost links and bring members of community together.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Пожалуйста покритикуйте этот essay
It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be.
Give some reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families can be brought together. Include any relevant examples from your own experience.

......

Скажите пожалуйста, а Вы эссе планируете, прежде чем начинать писать? Т.е. вы анализируете задачу, вопрос, вы знаете о чем идет речь и как вы будете расскрывать тему? Дело в том, что на мой взгляд, Вы пишете вообще-то не по теме, в основном. Eсли я не ошибаюсь, то в предыдущем эссе были похожие проблемы.


Давайте так, я вам задам конкретные вопросы, и хотелось бы получить краткие ответы на них, на английском, разумеется. Согласны?

families are not as close as they used to be
1. what is meant by 'families' in the given context? Give examples.
2. What does it mean 'to stay close', in the given context?
3. What does it mean 'not to be close', again in the given context?

Сначала - ответы на эти вопросы, а потом пойдем дальше. Это я Вас 'заставляю' планировать эссе


Очень надеюсь, что другие 'сочувствующие' помогут разобраться с ошибками.

[Vanderley]

Maimiti_Isabella прям сняла у меня с языка коментарий. Это эссе должно быть не про отношения между семьёй А и семьёй B, а также не про отношения с друзьями и не про людей в целом. И да, писать план очень важно, особенно на начальных стадиях. Ну, или как минимум очень внимательно читать формулировку.

Ну и теперь вклад от "сочувствующего":
In the following paragraphs I will analyze the reason for above changes and offer my suggestions to improve the situation. - рыба чистой воды, я бы посоветовал вносить хоть немного топик-специфик контента в такие предложения чтобы оно хоть как-то было привязано к эссе.
relations vs relationships vs affair - посмотрите разницу.
As a result
limits the opportunity of the person to see his friends or relatives frequently - я у вас замечаю тенденцию впихивать в эссе все что можно. Это кусок хорошо это иллюстрирует. frequently тут лишнее после limits, уже ж ограничивает, так к чему ещё часто? Вообще профессионалы советуют избегать перебарщивания с прилагательными и наречиями. Советуется делать вот что: зачеркиваете все прилагательные и наречия, а потом возвращаете только те, без которых поменялся смысл. И смотрите ещё - у вас про семью эссе, а тут раз и друзья вылазят.
every individual works hard - так уж прямо каждый? У меня вон соседи каждый день бухают и плевать на моней и карьеру. Избегайте all, every etc чтобы не получались категоричные утверждения.
old traditions which obliged us to see our acquaintances - не obliged тут, чересчур это. И да, снова не семья, а acquaintances, кто вас про них спрашивал?
This observed lack of practice of traditions - какова роль слова observed в этом предложении?
during the traditional holidays - что с нетрадиционными?
making it’s enormous “contribution” to weakening the friendship
there are a number of ways
to do certain things - что за они? Вторая рекомендация, которую я вычитал - это избегать абстрактных вещей. В частности не рекомендуется употреблять слова: problem, interesting и конечно же слово thing, которым можно заменить любое неодушевлённое существительное.
the families should have common interests - а что нету семей с общими интересами? Или все должны заняться одним и тем же?
Doing activities jointly - посмотрите как слово употребляется и решите подходит ли оно тут. Я б наверное просто together употребил.
Doing activities jointly will enable them to learn each other’s wishes and interests more closely which leads to mutual understanding
will make friendship ties strong and has uniting effect
practice vs practise
above mentioned festivities is
sharing their happy days together - шэринг бывает не тугезе?
will enable to recover - смотрите как правильно enable употребляется.

Тяжеловато читается. Много рунглиша и тяжело следить за мыслью. Вам обязательно нужно писать план и следить чтобы не отходить от темы. Ну и да, английский общий подтягивайте.

[Silk_Road]

Maimiti_Isabella,

families are not as close as they used to be
1. what is meant by 'families' in the given context? Give examples.
2. What does it mean 'to stay close', in the given context?
3. What does it mean 'not to be close', again in the given context?

Answer to questions:
1. As I understood, by families it is referred to a group of families living in one community
2. In this context, I think it is referred to a relationship between families (for example, to be close - to be in a good relation)
3. “not to be close” – not in very good relations

I think, I already realized where I messed up

[Maimiti_Isabella]

I think, I already realized where I messed up

Did you really?

families are not as close as they used to be
1. what is meant by 'families' in the given context? Give examples.
2. What does it mean 'to stay close', in the given context?
3. What does it mean 'not to be close', again in the given context?

Answer to questions:
1. As I understood, by families it is referred to a group of families living in one community -
2. In this context, I think it is referred to a relationship between families (for example, to be close - to be in a good relation)
3. “not to be close” – not in very good relations

'Families' here means an individual family and has nothing to do with a group or groups of families, which means you have to talk about relationships within a family, like parents and kids, or between siblings. Moreover, in English we talk about two different types of families - nuclear and extended - and you will have to make sure that both types are mentioned, if not discussed.
'not to be close' in the given context means that they don't spend enough time with each other and don't share their life, both private and working.

So, as you see, you misunderstood the task and went in the wrong direction. I'm sorry, but I just have to repeat what I said before, in my previous comment on your first essay:
... но если выше 6.5, то начинать надо все-таки с английского.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella прям сняла у меня с языка коментарий. Это эссе должно быть не про отношения между семьёй А и семьёй B, а также не про отношения с друзьями и не про людей в целом. И да, писать план очень важно, особенно на начальных стадиях. Ну, или как минимум очень внимательно читать формулировку.

Sorry, I overlooked your post and basically wrote the same.

However, in this case I still believe that the major problem is the level of English and that was the reason for shifting the focus from the topic to something different.

[Anmíng]

People naturally resist making changes in their lives. What kind of problems can this cause? What solutions can you suggest?

In today’s society many people avoid change regardless of whether it is moving to another region or looking for a new job, preferring to leave everything as it is. Being not open for change may be the personal quality they inherited from their parents, whereas some people would like to make it , but there are obstacles which put them off. No doubt something should be done to make change possible for those who wish it.

This kind of personal behavior mentioned above affects the country a person lives in as well as himself. The desire for improvement and not being completely satisfied with current state is referred to as the main catalyst for progress. That is why condition when people are unable to make change leads to descent in economy and poverty. The second consequence is lack of personal development which causes working without enthusiasm and dissatisfaction. On top of all that people may feel they’d made the wrong choice of occupation and experience lack of education.

There’s a range of solutions which could be made to encourage people to make change. First of all It’s important to deal with the fear. The key solution is provision of financial aid. Another important mean would be access to education for adults such as evening classes of studies on weekends. And last but not least it’s work among the members of community, explaining to them how much they could have achieved if they’d made change.

All things considered there are still people unwilling to alter their mode of life according to personal preferences. In spite of this any activity has inalienable part of routine work that they are best suitable for. It is worth contributing for government in all those means to make change possible for people because it would increase productivity, personal satisfaction and finally give benefits to the economy of a country.

[Soldushka]

Сообщение от Esperanca
Maria Mirabell, если Вам не трудно, не могли бы Вы выставить здесь свое эссе, написанное на 9? Многим тут нужны 8, а вот представления о том, как выглядит эссе на 8-9 весьма расплывчатое, да и в интернете примеры в основном все ограничиваются 7-8 максимум. А так, мы хоть посмотрим как должно выглядить эссе на высший балл и будем знать к чему стремиться.

Так что если 27 числа я узнаю, что у меня все оценки 8 или выше, я выложу все что у меня есть - ноу проблем.

Maria Mirabell, как ваши успехи?
будут у нас шансы почитать ваши эссе? ну оч-оч хочется

[Maria Mirabell]

Maria Mirabell, как ваши успехи?
будут у нас шансы почитать ваши эссе? ну оч-оч хочется

Успехи пока неудовлетворительные (оценки: 8.5, 9, 9, 7.5 (speaking, хотя раньше был 8.5, даже когда в России для студ визы сдавала был , до этого listening подвел, теперь стал 9. Но я верю, что настанет тот день, когда я сдам. Так что придется подождать. Пока подала на аппеляцию speaking, посмотрим, может поднимут, если нет, то пойду опять сдавать может в конце февраля.

[Maria Mirabell]

Maria Mirabell, как ваши успехи?
будут у нас шансы почитать ваши эссе? ну оч-оч хочется

А у Вас какие результаты, если не секрет?

[Оссень]

вот такое получилось эссе, занимаюсь с преподом, он ставит обычно 6.5, но не объясняет чего не хватает до 7. Подскажите пожалуйста, что необходимо исправить, дабы поднять балл. А то я бьюсь как рыба об лед и не могу понять в чем моя проблема

In the modern world, the image (photograph or film) is becoming a more powerful way of communicating than the written word. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Thanks to the technological progress, photos and video clips have become remarkably popular all over the world and are now an essential part of everyday life. While many people argue that images have key function in communication, others, however, hold the opinion that nothing could substitute the written text.

On the one hand, development of media and digital technology made images one of the most inalienable parts of our life. It is hardly possible to find a place in any urban or even rural area without advertisement hoardings offering goods or services. Simplicity, clarity and brightness - three pillars, making photo and video remarkably popular in modern promotional industry. Thus, by attracting attention of billions of people, images became one of the most important ways for mass communication.

On the other hand, the written word still remains the main source of objective information. While images appeal to humans psychology and imagination by replacement the information by impression, written text gives absolute facts without any emotions. Moreover, text, providing pure information, allows people to make their own opinions and conclusions. Also, noone could deny, that the text is the main way of distant personal communication; any images will stay pointless for our friends or relatives without written description to them.

In conclusion, taking into account everything mentioned above, I'm inclined to believe that the written word is and will stay the most popular and intellectual way of humans personal communication. Although, the images will always keep leading positions in the world of advertising industry and mass communication.