My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Yulia_N]

Добрый день. Покритикуйте мое сочинение. За ошибки сильно балл снижают? Особенно у меня бывает на спелинг. И интересно за такой уровень письма на что можно надеятся

Shopping has become a favorite pastime among young people. Why do you think it is like that, and do you think they must be encouraged to do other things rather than shopping?

According to resent research shopping is becoming extremely popular among people, especially among young generation. Most people are suffering from stress if they have no opportunity to visit shops during spending their leisure time on some resorts. In this essay this issue will be analyzed and my point of view will be given.

From the one hand, advertisement plays the main role on consumer market. Due to development of mass media we are familiar with such logos like Nike, Motorola, Coca-Cola and many others. When a teenager sees a colorful advertisement about modern gadget, and options, it provides he cannot estimate the situation whether this device is useful for him or not. He would like to buy it and go to the shop to have it instead of spending his free time outdoors. Thus, it is clear that advertisement encourages people to go shopping and to buy new products.

From the other hand, shops attract people with their windows, sales and service. For example, premium class shops have relaxing atmosphere, provide options to seat and drink coffee before making a purchase. In addition, professional designers decorate big shops in that way that a person usually spends an hour watching windows instead of 5 minutes and buy more goods than he wanted before. Therefore, coming to the shop with the purpose to spend few minutes on it one should be ready to be there longer.

However, shops are not so attractive from the other point of view. They make a person to waste his leisure time and replace other important activities because of lack of free time. Estimated the situation from both sides I am convinced that youngsters should be encouraged to do other activities than shopping. Moreover, they can always find all they need through the Internet and spend more time on sport, music or other activities.

All in all, young people are influenced by shops service and advertisements. To overcome their dependence on shopping they should be more focused on other activities, like sport. To my mind, it is better to be free from necessity of buying a new good and spend more time with your friends.

[Valentinochka]

Прошу оценить очередное мое творение, заранее большое спасибо за отзывы.

Some people think that scientists experimenting with animals in a laboratory is the only way we can guarantee new products will be safe for human use.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?


There have been thousands trials with animals in labs during years to test diverse types of medicaments and cosmetics. Many persons believe that using animals for such purposes is the best warranty to protect humans from products that can be dangerous for them.

Scientists have been working hard for many years to develop new cures and medicines for diseases. From time to time, they create new drugs and treatments which may be a solution to a serious illness. So as to estimate if a new product is safe for people they inject it to lab animals or made animals to ingest it and than animals are supervised to check their reactions. That is why lab animals play a vital role in protection humans of death or illness which can be caused by a new drug.

On the other hand, many people protest against laboratory tests on animals - and they are probably right. They explain their point of view by the fact that being in a closed area is unnatural for animals and they have to live under special conditions imposed by people and as a result the life of captivate animals is shorter than the life of animals which spend it in nature.

In my personal opinion, the use of animals in laboratories for experiments is a necessity to successfully finalize new products developing. In spite the fact that the life of animals in capture is regrettable I prefer an animal to die than a person. Animals are not humans, and people should always come first.

[Meelena]

Хочу выразить благодарность Maimiti_Isabella, которая оценивала мои эссе и, отбраковав их , посоветовала прочитать структуру эссе.
Структуры я прочитала, хотя больше сочинения не писала, результат 7,0!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

, результат 7,0!

Congrats!
Well done !

[elease]

Пожалуйста, покритикуйте Task 1 (GT)

You want to apply for the following job. Write a letter to Mr. Moore describing your previous experience and explaining why you would be suitable for the job.
Waiter/waitress required for evening work. Some experience necessary.
You should write at least 150 words. You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.

I have learned from your newspaper advertisement that you are looking for a new waiter to fill a position in one of your restaurants in the local City Mall. I am writing to you to apply for this position as I believe that I have required skills.

I am a student and therefore after completing my classes and homework I have my evenings free. So I would like to use this time working in your establishment. I already used to work as a waiter in my father’s café before entering a college here in Sugar Land. I always received encouragements from our customers for my services. Another benefit of accepting me is my knowledge of foreign languages, especially Spanish. I also live in the City Mall neighborhood so I can be requested to come to the restaurant on short notice in case of necessity.

I hope that my candidacy will fulfill your requirements. From my side, I would like to ensure you that my work is not going to make you regret for selecting me for this post.

Sincerely yours,
Ivan Ivanov

[Maimiti_Isabella]

You want to apply for the following job. Write a letter to Mr. Moore describing your previous experience and explaining why you would be suitable for the job.
Waiter/waitress required for evening work. Some experience necessary.
You should write at least 150 words. You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.

I have learned from your newspaper advertisement that you are looking for a new waiter to fill a position in one of your restaurants in the local City Mall. I am writing to you to apply for this position as I believe that I have required skills.

I am a student and therefore after completing my classes and homework I have my evenings free. So I would like to use this time working in your establishment. I already used to work as a waiter in my father’s café before entering a college here in Sugar Land. I always received encouragements from our customers for my services. Another benefit of accepting me is my knowledge of foreign languages, especially Spanish. I also live in the City Mall neighborhood so I can be requested to come to the restaurant on short notice in case of necessity.

I hope that my candidacy will fulfill your requirements. From my side, I would like to ensure you that my work is not going to make you regret for selecting me for this post.

Sincerely yours,
Ivan Ivanov

On the whole, not bad but...
Посмотрите как пишутся cover letters - а это именно то, что Вас и просили написать.

Из наиболее неприемлемого для меня - начало. Начинать все-таки следует с цели написания, т.е. желания работать, а не 'предыстории'.

I have learned from your newspaper advertisement that you are looking for a new waiter to fill a position in one of your restaurants in the local City Mall.

Please consider the ideas and phrases that you might want to incorporate in this kind of writing.

Dear Sir/Madam (no comma)

I'm writing with regards to the position of a waiter as advertised (which was advertised) in a local newspaper.


Далее - почему именно Вы. (Ваше фраза ' I believe that I have required skills' - очень даже подходит)

As a full-time student I I believe I'm an ideal cadidate for the job because/as/since (если будете использовать as/since, то this will earn you a couple of additional brownie points) чем I'm available all evenings. I have relevant experience working as a waiter in/ for .... (in + place; for + company)

As I live locally, I'm available at a short notice.

Не забудьте добавить, что Ваше resume is attached/enclosed
+
I'm looking forward to your reply/to hearing from you

encouragements -> feedback

Где-то так...

[Alexander Usov]

Will modern technology such as the internet ever replace the book or the written word as our main source of information?


These days high technologies have change our everyday life dramatically. Some people firmly believe that the internet has already become major mass media. However others prefer to use traditional source of information such as magazines, newspapers and books. In this essay I will analyze these tendencies and present my point of view.

One the one hand, there are many reasons why many prefer the Internet to the traditional means of information. One of the most obvious advantages of it is the fact that if a person has an access to the internet he or she can find practically any news effortlessly. Take for example the case that today most of mass media have Web-sites where you have amazing opportunities to read newspapers and magazines on-line. Another significant aspect of it is the fact that the more people read E-books the less they buy usual books made of paper. As a result, a society don not waste paper, save wood which is really beneficial for environment.

On the other hand, some people tend to avoid computers and the internet. One of the causes of this tendency is the fact that older people prefer reading traditional newspapers, magazines and books because they do not have enough skills to manage a computer. I have recently read an article in the magazine “National Geographic” about this challenge. According to a recent statistic report only 10% of people who are more than 55 years old are using computers. Another substantial argument is that modern monitors do not allow to read information easy because a person’s eyes are tired very fast. It is well-known fact that if a person read a lot of books on a screen of a computer his or her eyesight will eventually decline.

After analyzing everything mentioned above I am incline to think that the internet will substitute paper books in the future. I am sure that scientists will invent new technologies which will allow to overcome challenges we face today.

[mati]

Доброго времени суток.Очень вас прошу оценить мое творчество. Ошибки мне уже показали, специально их не исправил. Это пока то что я способен выдать на реальном экзамене. Как вы думаете, на сколько потянет?И советы если не трудно...Спасибо.
TOPIC: In your opinion, what is the most important characteristic (for example, honesty, intelligence, a sense of humor) that a person can have to be successful in life? Use specific reasons and examples from your experience to explain your answer. When you write your answer, you are not limited to the examples listed in the question.

The question of the most important feature that can help to be successful in the life is widely discussed in recent years. Personally I am sure that it is a sense of humor.

First of all persons who possess this feature of character have good salaries. In common they have warm relationship with their colleges, as result, they work successful. Therefore, this people can easy climb up on the service stairs and earn much more money than their sad colleges.

Secondly, it is well-known fact that people with the sense of humor live in overall for 5.5 years more than others people. According to latest research of the Sweden Centre of Health ( November 2009), 93 percents of persons in this country who laugh more than 15 min every day never get ill with such chronic decease as cancer. Based on my experience, I can say that my ankle who always likes funny stories, anecdotes has celebrated his 80th birthday in this year. By the way, the length of lifetime in Russia among men is about 62 years. Thus, laugh is extremely useful for the human’s health.

Last, but not the least reason to smile more is the fact that humor helps people in their family life. According to the up-to-date survey of British Centre of Family ( September of 2009), about 92 percents of respondents answered that only laugh helps them to get over difficulties related with the usual problems of couples like misunderstanding, the shortage of money and relationships with children.

Taking into account everything mentioned above I am inclined to consider that the best way to be successful in life is to laugh as much as possible. In generally people with the sense of humor have close-knit family, they earn enough money and they have health to enjoy life. It is that we name success in life.

[Bekzod]

Прошу оуенить по систему IELTS - academic module.

Does modern technology make life more convenient, or was life better when technology was simpler?

Due to the advancement of modern technology new inventions are coming into existance day by day. One of the greatest invention is the Internet though it was invented avout 30 years ago, it is considered one of the most modern technology that is because it is developing with fast temp. And the reason for that is that web-programmers involve it by creating dynamic web sites and web-programming languages. At the current moment the number of the web languages are uncountable and it is impossible to learn all the languages.

First of all, the Internet greatly impacted the lifestyle of our society, in other words it turned upside down thus people can now buy products sitting at home. E-marketing is spreading among the developing countries. The developed world has already integrated e-marketing to their economy. However people in the developing countries buy products themselves rather thatn ordering it from internet shops, that is beacuse of the untrust to that e-shops.

Secondly, the Internet made another revolution in communication. A century ago nobody could imagine the way how people communicate now. For instance, social web-sites. There people chat and make friends. Another example would be the e-mail. In past people sent their messages and the recievers waited it for several days and even for months but now it is instant. Thirdly, information is not a problem no, people don't have to go to the libraries and search the needed books for long hours. Almost any type of information can be found on the Internet.

In a nutshell, it is difficult to predict the further development of the Internet, The current prosperity of the Internet, the web-programming languages as mentioned above are responsible.

[Stayer]

Доброго времени суток.Очень вас прошу оценить мое творчество. Ошибки мне уже показали, специально их не исправил. Это пока то что я способен выдать на реальном экзамене. Как вы думаете, на сколько потянет?И советы если не трудно...Спасибо.

потянет на 5,5-6 думаю из-за множества ошибок, которые делают некоторые придложения нечетабельными, например

It is that we name success in life.

- отсутствует coherence & cohesion, плавность изложения мысли, что приходит с опытом. чтобы она появилась, я делал так 1 абзац = 1 аргумент, а потом в последующих предложениях его объясниние в которое вплести причины.

- и не надо так много вставок According, Therefore. у вас они обрывают течение мысли.

- избегайте I, my, особенно если это Academic Writing

The question of the most important feature that can help to be successful in the life is widely discussed in recent years. Personally I am sure that it is a sense of humor.

First of all persons who possess this feature of character have good salaries. In common they have warm relationship with their colleges, as result, they work successful. Therefore, this people can easy climb up on the service stairs and earn much more money than their sad colleges.

Secondly, it is well-known fact that people with the sense of humor live in overall for 5.5 years more than others people. According to latest research of the Sweden Centre of Health ( November 2009), 93 percents of persons in this country who laugh more than 15 min every day never get ill with such chronic decease as cancer. Based on my experience, I can say that my ankle who always likes funny stories, anecdotes has celebrated his 80th birthday in this year. By the way, the length of lifetime in Russia among men is about 62 years. Thus, laugh is extremely useful for the human’s health.

Last, but not the least reason to smile more is the fact that humor helps people in their family life. According to the up-to-date survey of British Centre of Family ( September of 2009), about 92 percents of respondents answered that only laugh helps them to get over difficulties related with the usual problems of couples like misunderstanding, the shortage of money and relationships with children.

Taking into account everything mentioned above I am inclined to consider that the best way to be successful in life is to laugh as much as possible. In generally people with the sense of humor have close-knit family, they earn enough money and they have health to enjoy life. It is that we name success in life.

[Stayer]

() - change/add/comment
[] - remove

Прошу оуенить по систему IELTS - academic module.

Does modern technology make life more convenient, or was life better when technology was simpler?

Due to the advancement of modern technology new inventions are coming into existance(appear)day by day(everyday). One of the greatest invention(s)(that we can see today0is the Internet(even)though it was(has been)invented avout(about)30 years ago, it is(still)considered one of the most modern(significant?)technology(ies)[that is]because it is developing with fast temp(?). And the reason for that is that web-programmers involve it by creating dynamic web sites and web-programming languages. At the[current]moment the number of[the]web languages are(is)uncountable and it is impossible to learn all(of them)the languages.

First of all, the Internet(has)greatly impacted the lifestyle of our society,(.)in(In)other words it turned upside down(what?)thus people can now buy products sitting at home. E-marketing is spreading among the developing countries. The developed world has already integrated e-marketing to their economy. However people in the developing countries buy products themselves rather thatn ordering it(them)from internet shops(online), that is beacuse of the untrust(?)to that e-shops.

Secondly, the Internet(has)made another revolution in communication. A century ago nobody could(have)imagine(d)the way how people(would)communicate now(today). For instance, social web-sites.(incomplete sentence, subj+verb at least)There people chat and make friends. Another example would be the e-mail. In(the)past people sent their messages and the recievers(recepients)waited it for several days and even for months but now it is(messages are delivered)instant(ly). Thirdly, information is not a problem no(?), people don't have to go to the libraries and search[the needed](for)books for long hours. Almost any type of information can be found on the Internet.

In a nutshell, it is difficult to predict the further development of the Internet, The current prosperity of the Internet, the web-programming languages as mentioned above are responsible.

в Introduction не надо давать причин и объяснений, для этого Body Paragraphs


вопрос прочтите 3 раза прежде чем писать. там спрашивается - сделал ли Интернет жизнь более комфортной или легче было жить до его появления? у вас в 1 Body Paragraph написано что Интернет поменял жизнь. во 2 Body Paragraph - что он опять поменял жизнь и я могу догадаться что процесс обмена информацией стал проще, но вы об этом не говорите в самом эссе. сравнение нужно дать как было тогда и как сейчас. в заключении нужно написать свою точку зрения на смену.

[mati]

Stayer,thank you very much.

[TheZombie]

Maimiti_Isabella как я и обещал, готов выложить список сортированных тем для ессе...
сам я накосячил с эссе получив за W 5.5. Итого L7.0 R6.0 W5.5 S6.0

за не имением денег, желания, нервов и времени второй раз сдавать тест не буду -- подамся лучше в Канаду, а к вам (в Au) на пенсию приеду

Куда выкладывать то, там много получается, если на файлхостинг, то надо будет периодически ссылку обновлять... кто возьмется?
________
добавлено после прочтения Канадского форума: сц..ко, теперь IT-шники в Канаде не нужны, ..ля и главное изменения в законодательстве вступили в силу в день мой сдачи теста -- 26 июня... СЦ..КО!!!

[mati]

Прошу прощения если не в тему....
Читаю буквари-везде по разному объясняют.Туплю...
Итак:
1. структура 3-7-7-3 подходит для всех типов эссе?
2. Эссе For-Against: Introdaction (without opinion)+1 par. FOR+1 par. Against+Conc. with opinion)
Эссе Opinion: Introdaction with opinion+1 par. FOR+1 par +Conc.with opinion)
Эссе Solution Introdaction +1 par. Solution+1 par. Result+Conc)
Это я правильно понимаю?
3. Структура каждого параграфа: 1. Тупо утверждение
2. Explanation
3. Фраза подтвержд. п.1
4.Можно ли в 1 параграф например FOR затаскивать 2 мысли по типу
это хорошо потому что ....
Explanation
а еще это хорошо потому что..........
Explanation
И надо ли их в этом случае делать их как отдельный параграф и надо ли разделять пустой линией, то есть уже вместо одного FOR получиться 2?
5. Я правильно понимаю: если спрашивают
Are you agree/disagree- это opinion-essay
опишите преимущества-недостатки и дайте свое мнение-это For-Against?
6. Три типа эссе на General экзамене или еще какие могут быть?
Еще раз прошу прощения за наивные вопросы, но сам окончательно запутался...
Заранее спасибо.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella как я и обещал, готов выложить список сортированных тем для ессе...
сам я накосячил с эссе получив за W 5.5. Итого L7.0 R6.0 W5.5 S6.0

за не имением денег, желания, нервов и времени второй раз сдавать тест не буду -- подамся лучше в Канаду, а к вам (в Au) на пенсию приеду

Куда выкладывать то, там много получается, если на файлхостинг, то надо будет периодически ссылку обновлять... кто возьмется?
________
добавлено после прочтения Канадского форума: сц..ко, теперь IT-шники в Канаде не нужны, ..ля и главное изменения в законодательстве вступили в силу в день мой сдачи теста -- 26 июня... СЦ..КО!!!

Лично мне темы совсем не нужны :0 надеюсь, что найдется кто-то, кому эта задача покажется полезной.

А насчет оценки - жаль. С другой стороны, может все что не делается - к лучшему?