My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[TheZombie]

Посмотрите Подборка материалов к экзамену IELTS (файл DOC, 80 Кб)

спасибки

[Fiesta]

Пишу, пишу, ... завтра же экзамен. Ужас, иногда на brainstorming уходит не 5 мин, а все 10.

Возник вот какой вопрос:
а можно в тексте делать ссылки в виде звёздочек, например, если я написала абзац, потом ещё один, а потом поняла , что в первый абзац можно впихнуть ещё 1 хорошую идею с развёрнутой аргументацией? Ведь столько времени теряется, если переписывать!...

[Innaveda]

Я сегодня на екзамене сделала по другому. Когда мозг уже умер полностью я просто пропустила пару строчек пустых и начала писать conclusion, а потом вернулась на предпоследний параграф и что-то там наваяла (чесно уже даже не помню что, в таком аффекте была)

[Valentinochka]

Добрый день! Оцените, пожалуйста, мое ессе. Буду благодарна за ваши оценки.

Задание:

Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge on the following topic.
The population of the world continues to grow, while the word’s resources are rapidly being depleted. If human begins are to survive on this planet, it is essential that urgent measures be taken to deal with the imbalance between population and resources.

Собственно ессе:

According to the latest reports presented in mass media human’s amount on the planet becomes significantly bigger than one hundred years ago. Researchers say that people population will not reduce in the future due to it becomes higher day after day. Currently number of people in the world is about 6 billions in comparison with 5 billions at the beginning of the last century, it is a huge growth. Scientists say that significant increase of population shown in countries with high developed economies. At the same time poor countries population also grows up.

While number of people on the planet is bigger and bigger, nature resources are reducing. One of the most vital resources for humans is water. Reports show that reserve of water has dramatically dropped down since last century. It happened due to some reasons. On the one hand people used water without control and nobody imagined that one day the planet can face the situation when it runs out of water. On the other hand a lot of water sources are non useful because of their pollution as a result of humans’ activities. There are a lot of other word’s resources that people need for living but which are already limited on the planet. For instance, some of sea dwellers, such as several kinds of fish, are under threat of disappearance. The other example is oil, word’s reserve of petroleum is exhausting quickly.

Humans can not live without nature resources and currently people have to think which actions must be taken to prevent vanishing of world resources. For example, people should work hard on sewage plants for used water which enters rivers and oceans. Certain steps should be taken to help sea animals as well as forest inhabitants to increase their populations.

People should use nature resources economically with memory about next generations.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Добрый день! Оцените, пожалуйста, мое ессе. Буду благодарна за ваши оценки.

Задание:

Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge on the following topic.
The population of the world continues to grow, while the word’s resources are rapidly being depleted. If human begins are to survive on this planet, it is essential that urgent measures be taken to deal with the imbalance between population and resources..

I don't really have time to look at your essay but my advice to you is to use the topics from IELTS books and sites. This is not an IELTS topic and the language used (though there's nothing wrong with it) will never be used in IELTS as this is AmE and not BrE. In BrE subjunctive mood is well and truly dead, except for several certain set phrases and expressions.
Also IELTS never specifies who is going to read you essay (to an educated reader)
There are hunderds of IELTS books published by reputable publishers and there are thousands of topics there to choose from - use them!

As for your essay - I'd give it 5.5 maximum

[Valentinochka]

I don't really have time to look at your essay but my advice to you is to use the topics from IELTS books and sites. This is not an IELTS topic and the language used (though there's nothing wrong with it) will never be used in IELTS as this is AmE and not BrE. In BrE subjunctive mood is well and truly dead, except for several certain set phrases and expressions.
Also IELTS never specifies who is going to read you essay (to an educated reader)
There are hunderds of IELTS books published by reputable publishers and there are thousands of topics there to choose from - use them!

As for your essay - I'd give it 5.5 maximum

Thanks a lot!
I will follow your advice!

[Valentinochka]

Просьба посмотреть еще одно сочинение, тема взята из оксфордского учебника по подготовке к IELTS. Если есть возможность, укажите, пожалуйста, на ошибки и над чем следует поработать. Знаю, что проблемы с пунктуацией, а что еще нужно поправить?

Заранее большое спасибо за помощь!

Directors of large companies often receive much bigger salary increases than ordinary workers. Employer’s organizations say that in a global market it is necessary to attract the best management talent.
What are your views?

It is not a secret that companies’ management wages are higher than wages of employees in general. Chief executive’s salary contribution to a company’s budget is usually one of the most expensive items when it comes to a huge company. The aim of the essay is to present arguments that it is essential to pay high salary to a head of a large firm.

To begin with, it should be mentioned that to be good at managerial position an individual must be well educated as well as experienced. A person has to work hard during a long period of time to attain high professional level. To become such a person, he or she spends years for education purposes and obtaining work experience. Nobody will argue that if a person has good background his or her salary is high. Moreover, the salary of the same person will be bigger if this person has practice skills.

Each company, it does not matter if it is big or small, needs a good director who will conduct a company professionally. Everyone knows that one of the main reasons why someone works is money. An individual who, as mentioned before, spent a lot of time receiving solid foundation and experience expects that his or her efforts will be valued and paid well. If a company is large it needs much more qualified chief than a small one. As a result, the salary of a big company’s leader is higher.

In conclusion, a skilled director is vital for each organization. Such a person requests high profit. But in exchange this person brings to a company huge benefit in the form of his or her knowledge and experience.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Просьба посмотреть еще одно сочинение, тема взята из оксфордского учебника по подготовке к IELTS. Если есть возможность, укажите, пожалуйста, на ошибки и над чем следует поработать. Знаю, что проблемы с пунктуацией, а что еще нужно поправить?

Заранее большое спасибо за помощь!

Directors of large companies often receive much bigger salary increases than ordinary workers. Employer’s organizations say that in a global market it is necessary to attract the best management talent.
What are your views?

It is not a secret that companies’ management wages are higher than wages of employees in general. Chief executive’s salary contribution to a company’s budget is usually one of the most expensive items when it comes to a huge company. The aim of the essay is to present arguments that it is essential to pay high salary to a head of a large firm.

To begin with, it should be mentioned that to be good at managerial position an individual must be well educated as well as experienced. A person has to work hard during a long period of time to attain high professional level. To become such a person, he or she spends years for education purposes and obtaining work experience. Nobody will argue that if a person has good background his or her salary is high (sounds awkward. Try rephrasing). Moreover, the salary of the same (which?) person will be bigger (salary cannot be 'bigger'; it can be 'higher') if this person has practice (->practical - what do you mea. Maybe a 'sound experienced in the field'?) skills.

Each company, it does not matter if it is big or small, needs a good director who will conduct a company professionally. Everyone knows that one of the main reasons why someone works is money. An individual who, as mentioned before, spent a lot of time receiving solid foundation and experience expects that his or her efforts will be valued and paid well. If a company is large it needs much more qualified chief (brrr _> head/manager. CEO) than a small one. As a result, the salary of a big company’s leader is higher.

In conclusion, a skilled director is vital for each organization. Such a person requests (no idea what you mean) high profit. But ('but' is a conjunction and cannot be used as a linking word) in exchange this person brings to a company huge benefit in the form of his or her knowledge and experience.

How do you do this? The essay today is so much better than the yesterday's one that it feels as if they were written by two different people!
The advice for today - get rid of the old and tired cliches and your essay will flow so much better. You really don't need the following:
Everyone knows that
It is not a secret
Nobody will argue that

I'd give it 6.5 today. maybe 7, if you are lucky.

[Valentinochka]

How do you do this? The essay today is so much better than the yesterday's one that it feels as if they were written by two different people!
The advice for today - get rid of the old and tired cliches and your essay will flow so much better. You really don't need the following:
Everyone knows that
It is not a secret
Nobody will argue that

I'd give it 6.5 today. maybe 7, if you are lucky.

Большое спасибо за комментарий!

Сегодня получилось лучше потому что я почитала форум и старалась писать, следуя советам форумчан, а также старалась соблюдать структуру сочинения.

[sig1982]

Просьба посмотреть еще одно сочинение, тема взята ...

Directors of large companies often receive much bigger salary increases than ordinary workers. Employer’s organizations say that in a global market it is necessary to attract the best management talent.
What are your views?

It is not a secret that companies’ management wages are higher than wages of employees in general. Chief executive’s salary contribution to a company’s budget is usually one of the most expensive items when it comes to a huge company. The aim of the essay is to present arguments that it is essential to pay high salary to a head of a large firm.

1) It is not a secret = it is popular belief = it is widely known = it is frequently assumed that => try to choose more academic expression
2) не употребляйте слово 'essay', это не принято. Лучше написать что-то вроде As for me I need to evaluate this idea/each argument/before I form my own opinion ...
3) проблемы с артиклями.
4) не всё перефразировано (see 2nd sentence in the task), и в вашем вступлении 2-ое предложение мне кажется нерелевантным, т.е. об этом не говорится в вопросе.

To begin with, it should be mentioned that to be good at managerial position an individual must be well educated as well as experienced. A person has to work hard during a long period of time to attain high professional level. To become such a person, he or she spends years for education purposes and obtaining work experience. Nobody will argue that if a person has good background his or her salary is high. Moreover, the salary of the same person will be bigger if this person has practice skills.

5) нет topic sentence=сейчас я собираюсь написать о ...
6) нет reason => result, нет examples

Each company, it does not matter if it is big or small, needs a good director who will conduct a company professionally. Everyone knows that one of the main reasons why someone works is money. An individual who, as mentioned before, spent a lot of time receiving solid foundation and experience expects that his or her efforts will be valued and paid well. If a company is large it needs much more qualified chief than a small one. As a result, the salary of a big company’s leader is higher.

7) то же, причины, следствия, примеры.

In conclusion, a skilled director is vital for each organization. Such a person requests high profit. But in exchange this person brings to a company huge benefit in the form of his or her knowledge and experience.

собственное мнение нигде не указано => это сильно снизит оценку. I tend to believe=On a personal level

9) grammar range
NOT FOUND
present modals, probability = it might=could be true
past and perfect tenses
wishes = I wish I could=If it were possible = If I was in charge
recommendations = should/must in conclusion

В ЦЕЛОМ - выгоднее мне кажется писать balanced approach, т.е. существуют ситуации, где это может быть правильным/приемлемым/оправданным, но с другой стороны есть другие ситуации, где это может быть неправильным/неприемлемым/неоправданным.
В ТЕЛЕ надо писать таким образом: УТВЕРЖДЕНИЕ => ПРИЧИНА ДЛЯ ЭТОГО => ПРИМЕР ИЗ KNOWLEDGE OR EXPERIENCE.

[Valentinochka]

Спасибо!
Приму к сведению

[Хелен]

Ой даже боюсь своё произведение писать.Ну,да ,ладно,читайте и критикуйте
My favourite film is the Titanic.It was wrote in 1997 by G.Kemeron.Keyt Uinslett and Leonardo Dicaprio were main characters.For the first time I watched this film with my schoolfriends ,when we were young pupils.We were crying and crying ,when we watched Titanic.Because it is the love story with a very sad ending.
This romantic story about a poor painter Gek and young aristocrat girl Rouse DeUitt.
Their story was very exciting ,because this loving couple met and get in to the tragic events.I mean when the huge ship collisioned with a gigantic iceberg. It was really terribly and sadly.
I liked this film very much.It was very exciting!!!

Вухххххххх!!!Всё !!!Можете смеяться!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Ой даже боюсь своё произведение писать.Ну,да ,ладно,читайте и критикуйте
My favourite film is the Titanic.It was wrote in 1997 by G.Kemeron.Keyt Uinslett and Leonardo Dicaprio were main characters.For the first time I watched this film with my schoolfriends ,when we were young pupils.We were crying and crying ,when we watched Titanic.Because it is the love story with a very sad ending.
This romantic story about a poor painter Gek and young aristocrat girl Rouse DeUitt.
Their story was very exciting ,because this loving couple met and get in to the tragic events.I mean when the huge ship collisioned with a gigantic iceberg. It was really terribly and sadly.
I liked this film very much.It was very exciting!!!

Вухххххххх!!!Всё !!!Можете смеяться!

Здесь не до смеху - плакать надо .

Вы хоть один ресурс по подготовке к экзамену открыли? Что такое IELTS поняли?
Сколько людей перед Вами эссе даже в этой ветке писали - прочитали и проанализировали?

Начните хотя бы с официального сайта www.ielts.org
Там и все примеры есть.

[Хелен]

спасибо!

[Meelena]

Эссе с первого раза без подготовки, на подготовку остается оч. мало времени.
Ваши мнения, советы, на сколько мне рассчитывать по этим каракулям?

Тема: Participating in a sport is as important for physoclogical health as if for physical condition and social development.

Nowadays, sport plays a very significant role in society, influencing on human's psycology and physics. Sport has been developing intesensively worldwide and majority of people are inspired in participating in a sport.

It is commonly known that initially sport games are for physical conditions. Parents, when considering to bring their children in to professional sport, mostly want them to be strong, healthy, plastic and sometimes being able to defend themselves. Physical activities improve muscles and lungs which improve immunity of growing organism and prevent from sickness.

Since people go for sport constantly and indeed greatly interested in it, they try to take part in competitions and tournaments. Being able to overcome a scare to lose and shame not to prove all obtained skills, poeple therefore develop their psycology. Day by day fighting with their personal fears, they get stable emotionally and strong mentally.

Consequently sport benefits to social developments. Number of clubs, organizations and funds invest million of dollars annually to sport. Children and adults likely to go to sport instead spending their time sitting at computers or in a street doing nothing. Famous achievements, advertising, national sport heroes attract more and more population.

On a personal level I agree that participating in sport develops society and improves health both as physically and mentally. Hopefully number of people in the world understand how important sport is and include it into their's sphere of interest.