My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Хм... До Дримера было ещё одно эссе, моё. Его пропустили по той же причине?

Нет, по другой. Not sure about your nick
Sorry.

[Bjarny]

Ой-вэй... Никого не хотел обидеть, честное слово. Не нашёл опции редактирования ника, поэтому завёл нового пользователя. Против медведей и Норвегии вы, наверное, ничего не имеете?
(На всякий случай: прошлый ник предполагался к прочтению не "Геббельс", а "Гоббельс", это искажение словечка "Гоблин" и моё прозвище со студенческих лет. Надеюсь, это недоразумение в прошлом?)

Я, с вашего позволения, повторю эссе:

Question:Television is now widespread in all communities. Almost everyone has access to this medium on a daily basis. However, the effects of television are not always positive.

What are some of the negative effects of television? What can be done to minimise these bad effects?

Give reasons for your answer.

Answer:
Nowadays the most prominent kind of media is apparently television. TV audience is much broader than one for even most popular newspapers, radiostations and news sites in the Internet. That is why it is so important to be sure that TV channels always provide plausible and precise information and never misuse their influence.

Unfortunatelly, there are some troubles with it. First of all, maintaining of TV channel is a very expensive thing so only very rich people can afford this. In most cases such people has some political ambitions and interests so a TV news is often tend to be biased in favor of some politician. In democratic countries this problem might be relieved with laws which defence human’s right for the honor name. Such laws are always work in some of developed countries. But in other, less democratic countries the state becomes a censor itself, and things become worse. Actually, I don’t have realistic suggestions for this case.

Second trouble is a lot of commercial advertisment, which are fullfilled TV channels due to desire of profit of channels’ owners. The significant part of advertisment uses sophisticated psycological methods to achieve its goals, and never worries about mental condition of potential consumer. In my opinion, this situation must be controlled by the state, which should implement some restrictions on this subject.

Third trouble is probably a bad influence of TV on physical condition of human. Most of our contemporaries prefer spend an evening in front of TV rather than do some sport. I think there must be a massive propaganda company (including TV itself) to make an active style of life more popular.

Потыкайте, пожалуйста, в ошибки. И ещё: на шестёрку такого хватит или нет, как вы считаете? Заранее благодарен

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Ой-вэй... Никого не хотел обидеть, честное слово. Не нашёл опции редактирования ника, поэтому завёл нового пользователя. Против медведей и Норвегии вы, наверное, ничего не имеете?

К медведям претензий нет
Я вообще-то обычно подробную разборку полетов не делаю, но в связи с misunderstanding, напишу гораздо больше, чем обычно.

Question:Television is now widespread in all communities. Almost everyone has access to this medium on a daily basis. However, the effects of television are not always positive.

What are some of the negative effects of television? What can be done to minimise these bad effects?

Give reasons for your answer.

6-ка может и возможна, но 'на грани'. Для уверенности, надо целиться на более высокий балл.

Introduction
Я выделила ключевые слова в вопросе. Как Вы считаете, Ваше Introduction отвечает на вопрос? Мне кажется, что требуется добавить предложение о доступности телевидения для всех и ежедневно. Я бы это сделала вместо или вместе с первым предложением. Например, Over the last decades, television has reached almost every corner of the world and is available in the most remote communites.
Также, в след, предложении надо упомянуть, что несмотря на положительное влияние телевидения, есть и негативные факторы. Иначе Ваше эссе получается очень однобоким, и не совсем по теме.

Body
Para 1. найдите синонимы слову 'trouble'. Trouble - не то, что здесь надо. Имеется ввиду 'problems' - issues, dilemmas, challenges, concerns, etc Check out these words in your dictionary.
Также, и это самое главное, нет четкого указания на проблему. А это должен быть topic sentence.
On the whole, мысль изложена не очень гладко, пришлось перечитать несколько раз чтобы понять. - страдает readability. There's also confusion with democratic vs. developed countries. Я не понала, Вы считаете это синонимами?
Para 2 - не играйте в 'считалки' (раз, два, три). Есть другие способы связать мысли и идеи. Неплохо в целом, но вот, например, неверное употребление слова fullfilled вызывает непонимание того, что хочет сказать автор, causing readability problems.
Para 3 - 'раз, два три' опять? В целом неплохо, только некоторые слова надо подбирать более точно.
Propaganda -> education
Company -> campaign

И где Conclusion?

Передумала, не поставлю 6-ку. Эссе не закончено.

Надеюсь, что другие 'завсегдатаи' укажут на грамматические и другие ошибки.

В принципе, должна сказать, что сдать на 6-ку Вам вполне по силам, надо только 'набить руку'.

[Bjarny]

Уважаемая Изабелла, спасибо вам большое.
Попробую сделать ещё один заход:

Question:
Many newspapers and magazines features stories about the private lives of famous people. We know what they eat, where they buy their clothes and who they love. We also often see pictures of them in private situations.
Is it appropriate for a magazine or newspaper to give this kind of private information about people?
Give reasons for your answer.

Answer:
Private lives of celebries always were the most popular topic of public conversations, since first media appeared. And part of public worries if it might be a source of disturbance or even offences for famous people. As for me, there is probably no need to be worry about that.

First of all, I think we should divide all celebrities on two groups. The first one should include pop stars, actors and other people whose primary activity is the pop culture. Most of them get a very clear profit from such attention. Articles in a gutter press are just a free advertisment for them, and I think they haven’t any troubles with it.

In the second group we should include politicians, buisnessmen and other prominent and influent people. They certainly might be hit with some sort of articles, but, as for me, it’s also ok. Obviously, it’s the way how the “fourth power” (I mean the media) works. Of couse the content of such kind of information must be precisious and reliable.

Apparently there is some moral limits for all kind of journalists and other media employees. They shouldn’t lie in their articles and broadcasts, and they should carefully check all the information and sources they use in their job. If some of them skip this point and write some false statements, especially harmful or offending ones, they should be punished according to court’s decision, but I don’t think that majority of journalists does so.

To sum up, I certainly don’t think any additional restrictions must be implemented on this matter. I don’t see any ground to change the current pratice of relations between media and society in democratic countries, and, even there is some tensions between media and celebreties, I suppose that drastic and unconscious measures perhaps will make the things worse.

Покритикуйте, пожалуйста.

[VOlya]

Уважаемая Изабелла, спасибо вам большое.
Попробую сделать ещё один заход:

Question:
Many newspapers and magazines features stories about the private lives of famous people. We know what they eat, where they buy their clothes and who they love. We also often see pictures of them in private situations.
Is it appropriate for a magazine or newspaper to give this kind of private information about people?
Give reasons for your answer.

Answer:
Private lives of celebries always were the most popular topic of public conversations, since first media appeared. And part of public worries if it might be a source of disturbance or even offences for famous people. As for me, there is probably no need to be worry about that.

First of all, I think we should divide all celebrities on two groups. The first one should include pop stars, actors and other people whose primary activity is the pop culture. Most of them get a very clear profit from such attention. Articles in a gutter press are just a free advertisment for them, and I think they haven’t any troubles with it.

In the second group we should include politicians, buisnessmen and other prominent and influent people. They certainly might be hit with some sort of articles, but, as for me, it’s also ok. Obviously, it’s the way how the “fourth power” (I mean the media) works. Of couse the content of such kind of information must be precisious and reliable.

Apparently there is some moral limits for all kind of journalists and other media employees. They shouldn’t lie in their articles and broadcasts, and they should carefully check all the information and sources they use in their job. If some of them skip this point and write some false statements, especially harmful or offending ones, they should be punished according to court’s decision, but I don’t think that majority of journalists does so.

To sum up, I certainly don’t think any additional restrictions must be implemented on this matter. I don’t see any ground to change the current pratice of relations between media and society in democratic countries, and, even there is some tensions between media and celebreties, I suppose that drastic and unconscious measures perhaps will make the things worse.

Покритикуйте, пожалуйста.

пожалуйста, критика:
1. используйте формальный стиль (don’t,shouldn’t и другие сокращения нельзя использовать в эссе)
2. посмотрите примеры эссе на band 8-9.
3. Причины как-то не совсем улавливаются... 3 параграф, как мне показалось совсем не в тему... четкости что-ли нет.... (может это у меня уже привычка писать по другому и другие стили не...воспринимаю)
4. Вступление не противоречит заключению?

у вас хороший вокабуляр, нужно лишь более формализованно писать...
типа, как глобальная проблема/тема касается меня лично...

[Bjarny]

VOlya, спасибо за отзыв, особенно за указание насчет желательности формального стиля (я до сих пор как-то упускал этот момент). Если позволите, два вопроса:
1) что такое band 8-9?
2) в чем вы видите противоречие между вступлением и заключением?

Заранее спасибо.

[newjersey]

VOlya, спасибо за отзыв, особенно за указание насчет желательности формального стиля (я до сих пор как-то упускал этот момент). Если позволите, два вопроса:
1) что такое band 8-9?
2) в чем вы видите противоречие между вступлением и заключением?

Заранее спасибо.

в ИЕЛТС оценки выставляются по 9ти балльной шкале, где 1 - знание отдельных слов, 9 - владение языком на уровне родного. вам советуют почитать примеры, получившие оценки 8-9 для сравнения со своими способностями.

[VOlya]

VOlya, спасибо за отзыв, особенно за указание насчет желательности формального стиля (я до сих пор как-то упускал этот момент). Если позволите, два вопроса:
1) что такое band 8-9?
2) в чем вы видите противоречие между вступлением и заключением?

Заранее спасибо.

1. это эссе с оценкой 8-9, как ориентир
по этой ветке рекомендую посмотреть эссе Lx, получил 7, если не ошибаюсь.
2. упс, еще раз перечитала, сходится, просто тяжело уловить
3. Откуда взята тема?
4. Сдаете General or Academic?
5. какие оценки нужны?

[Bjarny]

3. IELTS preparations and practice, reading&writing General training mode. (Vladimir Pejovic, Michael Nicklin, Peggy Read)
4. General
5. 6ки, как я понимаю. General skilled migration, 60-бальная специальность, возраст до 30.

[VOlya]

3. IELTS preparations and practice, reading&writing General training mode. (Vladimir Pejovic, Michael Nicklin, Peggy Read)
4. General
5. 6ки, как я понимаю. General skilled migration, 60-бальная специальность, возраст до 30.

тогда смотрите форматы по написанию эссе, тут полно тем было, поищите, там все разжевано... это чтоб не рисковать

еще рекомендую писать эссе по темам из темки сдавших... они часто повторяются (не слово в слово, конечно, а в целом).

[Jedd x]

Проверьте письмо пожалуйста, кому интересно.

=============
Task 1

One of your penfriends is going to emigrate to Australia in a few months.
They want to improve their English before they leave and have asked for your advice.

Write a letter to your penfriend and give them advice
on how to improve their speaking, listening and vocabulary.


Dear John,

You must be very excited about moving to Brisbane this summer.
As you know, I have successfully completed an English language
course and become very familiar with it now.
Here are few ideas how to master your knowledge.

In the beginning, I strongly suggest that you start training your oral skills first.
This will make you more comfortable with the language immediately.
Also, I recommend you finding a native girlfriend, which definitely would break a speech barrier
and will help prepare your ears for a next step.

As your second task, if I were you, I’d choose a listening practice.
To advance in this subject, I advice you to get a MP3 player.
Constant listening to English language will adjust you hearing to a proper perception.
And don’t forget to download those audio books from the Internet.
It has worked for me amazingly.

And last but not the least, is your vocabulary training. You shouldn’t be surprised if I tell you that
a key to acquire immense vocabulary is to read as many books as possible.
Always have a piece of printed information with you wherever you go.
It is well known fact, that lots of reading significantly increases one’s stock of words.

Well, that will do for now.
Let me know if you will need an additional information on any matter.

Good luck,

J.

[Bjarny]

Проверьте письмо пожалуйста, кому интересно.
As you know, I have successfully completed an English language
course and become very familiar with it now.

Мне кажется, использовано не очень подходящее время для "become". На мой взгляд, или present perfect для него, либо ...I'm very familiar...

Here are few ideas how to master your knowledge.

Возможно, a few? There is a difference in meaning.

In the beginning, I strongly suggest that you start training your oral skills first.

...that you should start training?

This will make you more comfortable with the language immediately.

Не уверен насчет слова "comfortable" - мне оно кажется не слишком подходящим, но головой в этом не поручусь.

Also, I recommend you finding a native girlfriend...

IMHO, или I recommend finding... или (лучше) I advise you to find...

and will help prepare your ears...

help to prepare

As your second task, if I were you...

I was you...

I advice you...

advise. Advice - это существительное, вроде как.

Вот, это то что я заметил. Возможно, кто-то более матёрый добавит что-нибудь. :bye:

[Maimiti_Isabella]

....

Очень неплохо написано с точки зрения построения предложений и грамматики, но уж очень Вы стараетесь писать 'умно'. До того стараетесь, что перестарались!

In the beginning, I strongly suggest that you start training your oral skills first.
тут и In the beginning, тут и first - масло масленное. Кстати, не training, practising.

As you know, I have successfully completed an English language
course and become very familiar with it now. - простите, с чем/кем Вы become familiar? (кстати, грам. ошибок здесь нет)

Here are few ideas how to master your knowledge. - you cannot master your knowledge. Да и кому это нужно. Нужно master your skills! (грам. ошибок опять-таки нет.)

Also, I recommend you finding a native girlfriend, which definitely would break a speech barrier and will help prepare your ears for a next step. Вы уверены, что Вашему другу нужна подруга-аборигенка? Или Вы хотели сказать local/ English-speaking? BTW definitely would -> would definitely Ошибки есть. После recommend нельзя you finding.

Короче, я надеюсь, Вы идею поняли.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

help to prepare

help + to prepare/prepare

if I was you...

You're right as far as modern British (not American!) English is concerned but to be on safer side - If I were you (traditional grammar)

[Bjarny]

С вашего позволения, сделаю ещё один подход к снаряду. Вопрос взят из соседней темы, о недавно использовавшихся на экзамене билетах.

Question:
Some time ago people didn`t have computers. Now they do. What are the effects of computers in peoples daily life. Give your reasons.
Answer:
There is almost no doubt that the most significant invention of the last decades is a personal computer. It will not be an exagerration if I say that for some people it is s became a real center of life, some kind of resort or even asylum. The list of facilities of modern PC would be really long.

First of all, home computer provides a wide range of different kinds of entertainment. It might be used as DVD player, audio player, recorder of almost any kind of information or any other media staff. Moreover, there is a specific sort of entertainment which can be provided with PC only – I mean PC games. These games have been becoming more and more sophisticated from year to year so now most of modern games allow player effectively unlimited opportunities to explore game world and fitches of the rules. In my opinion, it’s one of the most exciting ways to waste your time which have ever been designed.

Another, perhaps even more prominent application of PC is using it for visiting Internet. There are two major points should be mentioned here: the person who daily uses Internet in most cases have a broad range of friends on pen throughout the world, and it is pretty easy to keep in touch with them. The second point is that collecting news and other information from the Web (especially the foreign sites) is probably shortest and most reliable way to make your point of view broader and more balanced.

On other hand, people who have PC at home certainly tend to be in worse physical condition than their PC-less neighbours. Certainly, If you are planning to get a PC, you should sheduled to do some sport as well.

To sum up, in my opinion it is a very positive thread that PC become a common thing. It might makes you more tolerant, better educated and perhaps a bite more happy due to different entertainment. You just should not forget to do some sport also.

Укажите, пожалуйста, ошибки. И, как обычно: хватит ли этого на 6-ку? Заранее благодарен.