My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Yurah]

Yurah, тут как раз некоторые комментаторы настаивают на том, что личными местоимениями вообще лучше не пользоваться. А народ все впитывает.

They, it - это тоже личные местоимения Но без них вменяемое эссе будет написать тяжеловато Я всегда руководствуюсь этим советом:

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

IELTS Writing Task 2: using the word "I"

Here is a question that a lot of students ask:

Is it acceptable to use "I" or "my" in IELTS writing?

As an ex-examiner, my advice is that you should use phrases like "I believe" or "in my opinion" when the question asks for your opinion e.g To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some teachers tell students not to use "I" in academic essays, but this advice is really for university academic writing, not IELTS.

[Araliya]

По-моему все просто - есть разные типы эссе. Если это opinion essay, то можно и нужно использовать личные местоимения и высказывать свое отношение. Если это disscussion essay, то вашего мнения никто не спрашивает, и, следовательно, личные местоимения будут ошибкой.

[Vyacheslav16]

Some teachers tell students not to use "I" in academic essays, but this advice is really for university academic writing, not IELTS.

What about Academic IELTS?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

What about Academic IELTS?

Acadmic IELTS topics are worded differently and they don't usually ask for your opinion (refer to www.ielts.org), so there's no justification for the use of 'I' in Academic IELTS (again, refer to www.ielts.org).

As for General IELTS, it all depends on your actual level of English. If 7 is your dream score than 'I', 'we' and 'you' are quite OK. As your English progresses, the need for those pronouns disappears and they stop sound natural in your essays. 'Bypassing' those pronouns is a more advanced skill and demonstrates your level of English, if done naturally of course. However, if you check out the official IELTS site (www.ielts.org) you will notice that it's possible to 'I's' and still get a very high score if your opinion is asked for.

[kalliostro]

Доброго дня всем.


Проверьте пожалуйста мое эссе, желательно с приблизительной оценкой.
Заранее спасибо.


Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

It is believed that modern children spend too much their free time for computer games. Many parents want their children to spend time for sports or simply walking outside with their friends instead of being home. I believe that parents should combine these ways.


Despite some issues of electronic entertainment such as addictivity to computer games and medical problems with eyes, there are many benefits. First of all, it is educational software, which can provide our children with new, interactive ways of educations, which are unavailable for traditional models of education. Secondly, computer games can help our children to develop coordination, agility and other abilities. Finally if your children spent all their time indoors, it would be much safer for them, because they cannot harm their self or other children.


Without any doubts there are many positive and negative effects of sports and outdoor activities. The obvious issues are higher probability of getting injuries, especially in professional sports, threats from other children such as bullying and fights, threats from adults. However there are much more benefits. It is well known that we should move a lot to keep us in a good shape. It is important for our children because they eat a lot of unhealthy food such as soda, fast food, cookies and candies. Also it is very important for children to communicate with each other and it is impossible if they spend all their time for computer games.


In conclusion, in my opinion parents should use both ways equally for their children as they are both important.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Доброго дня всем.


Проверьте пожалуйста мое эссе, желательно с приблизительной оценкой.
Заранее спасибо.


Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

It is believed that modern children spend too much their free time for computer games. Many parents want their children to spend time for sports or simply walking outside with their friends instead of being home. I believe that parents should combine these ways.
......
In conclusion, in my opinion parents should use both ways equally for their children as they are both important.

5
Английский, ответ на вопрос - всему надо еще учиться.

[Vyacheslav16]

kalliostro, на мой взгляд имеются серьезные проблемы с Task Achievement и Cohesion and Coherence.
Вы нигде не отвечаете прямо на вопрос "Согласны или несогласны". Вместо этого Вы упоминаете о каких-то путях или методах.

I believe that parents should combine these ways.

Вначале я подумал, что Вы имеете в виду вот эти:

Many parents want their children to spend time for sports or simply walking outside with their friends instead of being home.

Но когда я дочитал эссе до конца, понял что ошибался.
Что касается грамматики, ошибки есть. Думаю, что более подкованные критики укажут Вам на них.
Мое мнение - эссе заслуживает максимум 5.0 баллов.

[MariaAn]

Посмотрите плиз, моё творение , можете просто в общем глянуть и сказать с чем проблемы

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

In recent years high technologies play the enormous role in our daily life since childhood. Children prefer to play computers in place of toys and other toddlers outside. To my way of thinking it is a negative trend and I will try to explain my point of view below.

It is known that obesity among children has grown last some years and the crucial reason of this is the lack of activities due to sitting indoors while playing computer games. Thus, electronic devices bring a health problem. Moreover, such type of entertainment also give a lack of communicative skills which are very important for future teenager's and adult's life. Children should be taught to interact with each other in different situations to find friends and create their own family in future. As a result of disability to good interaction we can see a grown number of lonely people and a big percentage of divorces. Therefore computers play a destructive role among children.

However, some parents believe in a positive development of using electronic devices by their children. It is no doubt that almost all position at career use the electronics and to learn computers from the young age is only a big advantage. To be honest not only for career people use computers. For instance, we use held-hand gadgets to provide us with supportive information, such as maps, time, alarm, contacts and others. Thus skills of using electronic devices is essential for next period of life after childhood.

In the conclusion I would like to insist on a destructive way of using computers among children due to health and mental problem at the young age. To my mind, development of a strong body and a communicative skills is more important then learning electronics.

[MariaAn]

Ну и ещё одно , может ошибки будут более ясно выражены.

Some people believe that teenagers should learn all school subjects,
while others claim that students should focus on the subjects that they
are best at or that they are interested in. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In a modern world there are two main types of education: first of them is based on learning all essential subjects whereas the second one lets students to choose only interested classes.

Some people believe that learning whole range of subjects brings more advantages. During a such study students take into account opposite views on a problems and situations that give them opportunities for the best solution. Moreover, such skills provide graduated students with a bigger number of possible positions for career. However, study of a lot of subjects takes a huge amount of time that can bring some problems with physical and mental health. For instance, when I was a student who studied a variety of subjects, I always was under the pressure and have not time for meeting with my friends and relax.

Another part of people, who understand how difficult study of all subjects is, claim that students should be focused only on subjects which they like. Undeniably, a such way gives students to reach a higher level in sphere where they good at. Also it provides them an interest and enthusiasm to studying process. Likewise students have more time for leisure and social life that give them a strong mental health. However, apart from all advantages mentioned above, this type of education grows narrow specialists which have fewer benefits to career.

To conclude, I strongly believe in a study of all essential subjects to have persons who can find more decisions in different situations.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

....

Я посмотрела оба эссе. Ошибок очень много, но главное, что если бы я не знала русский язык, то многое было бы вообще непонятно. Вы вроде все по английски пишите, но не на английском

Вам надо до, простите, одурения читать и слушать на английском, желательно публицистику, чтобы правильные слова и collocations просто сами собой 'вылезали' в правильном месте и в правильном контексте.

Вот я приведу только один пример:

In a modern world there are two main types of education: (1) first of them is based on learning all essential subjects (2) whereas the second one lets students to choose only interested classes(3).

1. я приготовилась читать о two main types of education, а их-то и нет! Вы пишете не о types, а об approaches to education
2. Не могу понять, почему essential and interested противопоставлены. И что такое essential? Просто так essential не бывает: essential для кого/что. Вы, наверное, имеете в виду compulsory subjects?
3. Что такое interested classes? В чем эти классы interested? Прочитав все предложение сначала и заменив essential на compulsory, я понимаю, что вы хотели сказать: elective subjects / electives.

Т.е. Я вам показала как бы я рассуждала, если бы я забыла 'включить' русский язык (а когда я фунционирую на английском, мой русский 'выключен'. )

Надеюсь, что кто-нибудь разберет ошибки...

[MariaAn]

Maimiti_Isabella, спасибо большое за взгляд со стороны! Очень интересно, как это видится людьми, кто хорошо владеет английским.

essential вообще-то я никогда не использовала раньше.. первый опыт использования, видимо "не в кассу" совсем.

[Nicka]

In a modern world there are two main types of education: first of them is based on learning all essential subjects whereas the second one lets students to choose only interested classes.

Я считаю что лучше будет The first is based on и The latter вместо подчеркнутых.

[Nicka]

Я бы рекомендовала почитать Collins Writing for IELTS. На мой взгляд там хорошие примеры essay, правда они заточены на Academic.

[[rcf]]

Far too little has been done to prevent animals and plants from dying out, although people have noticed this problem for a long time. Why have people failed to improve this situation? What are your suggestions?

Perhaps no issue in the modern world causes so much concern as current environmental situation does. Many living creatures are on the brick of extinction. Although some people aware of this tendency not many things have been done so far. This essay is supposed to present probable causes for this situation and possible solutions.

The first thing worth mentioning that humankind get used to perceiving nature as a resource provider. People kill animals, deforest huge areas, pollute atmosphere and so forth. Take, for instance, white whale meat, it is considered to be a delicacy. Not surprisingly, this animals have been almost wiped out in recent decades. Not only does direct impact damage nature but there are many other ways to do so also. Telling example is general environmental pollution which causes global warming, as a result climate is changing, places are altering, and animals which used to live on the particular area cannot do it anymore. The result is obvious, they are dying out.

How can mankind improve the dreadful situation? There is no certain answer to this question, but the best what can be done is raising the level of awareness among people. The main problem these days that only few understand the whole picture. Thus, all attempts to improve the situation fails due to the paucity of the people who care. Therefore, educational programs in schools, TV and radio targeted advertising could be a good remedial solution.

In summary, in order to prevent future extinction it is recommended to reevaluated current general public values and habits by implementing various educational programs which hopefully help to alter human's behaviour.


Посмотрите кратко пожалуйста. Подробно не нужно, мне просто интересно по формату, мне кажется меня понесло во втором боди параграфе + я писал мало ессе формата проблема-решение. Спасибо.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Far too little has been done to prevent animals and plants from dying out, although people have noticed this problem for a long time. Why have people failed to improve this situation? What are your suggestions?

Сейчас посмотрю, но только скажите пожалуйста, из какой книги этот топик?