My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[ledy]

буду жесток
вас не просят discuss it - вопрос прямой - согласны или нет? вот и ответьте на него во вступлении (хотя я может и ошибаюсь, но прямого ответа у вас небыло и в заключении тоже - так что я прав
ну и по теме - вы раскрыли тему виды рекламы Вы рассказали откуда они могут узнать о стране, а не как реклама в этом помогает. К примеру надо было рассказать что большое кол-во соц. рекламы показывает что страна заботиться о..., реклама с историческими местами показывает осн. направления развития страны и т.д.
Удачи.

Приветствую всех!
Благодарю AlexDav, постараюсь исправиться. Не могли бы вы, AlexDav, выдать свою версию начала моего эссе? И если можно, оценить мои шансы по написанию эссе, скажем если бы тема была раскрыта. В данное время я готовлюсь непосредственно к сдаче IELTSа. Как только так сразу. Кто еще отзовется, буду рада. Мне достаточно будет набрать 6 баллов.

[sksksk]

всем спасибо.

продолжаю работать над той же книгой.

Some people believe that children’s leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they
are a complete waste of time.
Do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience

These days many people thinks that every activity their children is engaged must be educative. On the other hand, there a few who believe that children should have a break from learning in their free time. I think that while we have to do our best to educate our children we should give them time to rest from studying.

Of course, education plays a huge role in our life. Many people think that the better educated one is, the better life he or she will enjoy. But is it really a fact or is it just a conjecture?.I believe we cannot use the same rule for every people. Someone is made to be a scientist but someone is made to be a builder. There is no use to teach the future builder higher mathematics or quantum mechanics. Furthermore, someone is born healthy but others are not. Therefore, some people will benefit from sports and other could benefit from educational activities. Overall, everyone needs personal attention, especially in his or her childhood.

I think that good children's leisure activity has to combine educational part with physical one. Actually, there are many children games which involve both a lot of physical activities like running or climbing trees with mental activities like solving puzzles. If children would be engaged in such activities the question raised in this essay would never arrive.

As a personal example I could say that I was always smart but had a lot of health problems in my childhood. My parents decided that I should go live in a village for 3 years while I was young. There I ahd a lot of physical activities and almost none of educative ones. But still, those three years changed my life - I returned home healthy and fit.

To summarize: of course, educational activities play a large role in upbringing of children. But I think that other activities, like sports are as much important.


please comment

[newjersey]

посмотрите пожалуйста, скоро экзамен стараюсь чаще писать эссе

Creative people should express their ideas in different ways freely. Nobody can limit them, even the government. In my opinion creative (1) needs freedom. The government can control (2) somehow , but they should not restrict them.

First of all, all creative people live in their own world. They think different ideas There is no limit for them. They create something extraordinary . Therefore people call them create (3) persons . If somebody or (4) government restrict(5) them, they will not simply create new, fresh ideas. Restrictions means (6) fr (7) them “stopping of their activities”.

However (однако? в противовес чему?), creations (8 ) is an unconscious process . A person is given a talent from nature. This talent can be expressed in different ways. For instance a person can be one of the best orator(9), other paints beautiful pictures or composes excellent music. Nobody can make them stop thinking or restrict them to express their own ideas. We know various examples from history, when the government of different countries tried to limit them (10) or forbid creative people (11) or their works, because of their talent. They (12) could express their ideas freely and unordinary(13) ways. However we know that this restrictions(14) came (15) to nothing. The government can control or restrict(16) laws or people´s behaviour , but it is impossible to limit people´s talent.

Besides that , if creative people were not so freely (17), they would not create anything new and the development of people´s creative culture would be stopped. A person , who makes something unusual or extraordinary is called the creative person . The creative person can make ordinary things, but in different ways. (18 )When we see a dramatic film , an actor plays his role and makes us cry or smile, it means that he has a talent. He expresses his emotions freely. However a painter or compositor(19) can express his masterpiece only once. It is a unique (20). They did it without any restrictions.

Finally, all creative people have a talent. They can express their ideas differently in their own ways. Nobody can limit it.

(1) creative - прилагательное. или creative what или creativity
(2) control what or who - нет объекта. В конце предложения them подвешено.
(3) create - глагол, нужно прилагательное - creative
(4) the government. по смыслу - кто-то или правительство - странное сочетание.
(5) restrictS ?
(6) restrictions mean - restriction means.
(7) for - опечатка?
(8 ) creation - если разговор как о процессе, то только в единственном числе
(9) one of the best oratorS - если один из, то объект во множественном числе
(10) очень длинная мысль, them теряется.
(11) forbid doing what? запретить самих людей нельзя.
(12) They - в предыдущем предложении и правительство и люди, которых запрещают, непонятно к чему относится they.
(13) unordinary - малоупотребимое слово, нестандартная форма антонима, есть шанс, что примут за ошибку. пользуйтесь общеупотребимыми словами
ordinary - Synonyms from the Merriam-Webster Online Thesaurus
(14) these restrictions - множественное число
(15) came down to - разговорное выражение. я бы использовал более деловую лексику
(16) ограничить закон - это как? за это зиндан. Перефразируйте.
(17) freely doing what? наречие подразумевает действие, а его нет. или замените freely на free
(1 выделенный текст - парафраз второго параграфа, практически теми же словами. по стилю похоже на вступление.
(19) composer
(20) a unique what? или просто unique, тогда без артикля.

без задания сложно сказать, ответили ли вы на поставленный вопрос или нет.

два общих замечания - вы части речи путаете, и в рамках этого текста крайне мало слов - т.е. много повторов creative in different ways, no limits. рекомендую больше читать, желательно новости.

[newjersey]

продолжаю работать над той же книгой.

Some people believe that children’s leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they
are a complete waste of time.
Do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience

These days many people thinks (1) that every activity their children is (2)engaged must be educative. On the other hand, there a few who believe that children should have a break from learning in their free time. I think that while we have to do our best to educate our children we should give them time to rest from studying.

Of course, education plays a huge role in our life. Many people think that the better educated one is, the better life he or she will enjoy. But is it really a fact or is it just a conjecture?.I believe we cannot use the same rule for every people (3). Someone is made to be a scientist but someone is made to be a builder. There is no use to teach the future builder higher mathematics or quantum mechanics. Furthermore, someone is born healthy but others are not. Therefore, some people will benefit from sports and other could benefit from educational activities. Overall, everyone needs personal attention, especially in his or her childhood.

I think that good children's leisure activity (4) has to combine educational part with physical one. Actually, there are many children games which involve both (тире) a lot of physical activities like running or climbing trees with mental activities like solving puzzles. If children would be engaged in such activities the question raised in this essay would never arrive (5).

As a personal example I could say that I was always smart but had a lot of health problems in my childhood. My parents decided that I should go live in a village for 3 years while I was young. There I ahd a lot of physical activities and almost none of educative ones. But still, those three years changed my life - I returned home healthy and fit.

To summarize: of course, educational activities play a large role in upbringing of children. But I think that other activities, like sports are as much important.


please comment



(1) people think - множественное число без S
(2) children are - множественное число
(3) every употребляется со счетными, здесь - all people
(4) что к чему относится - можно прочитать двояко. занятия для хороших детей или хорошее занятие для детей. разбивайте длинные определения
(5) arise все таки.

язык хороший. с запятыми в сложных предложениях проблема.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

всем спасибо.

продолжаю работать над той же книгой.
please comment

K сожалению, намного хуже чем первая попытка. Больше 7 вряд ли 'потянет'.

[sksksk]

K сожалению, намного хуже чем первая попытка. Больше 7 вряд ли 'потянет'.

ну больше 7 и не надо

ну да хуже согласен. после 3 литров пива отлично не напишешь.

а письма можно здесь постить?

You are due to start a new job next week but you will not be able to because you have
some problems.
Write a letter to your new employer. In your letter
• explain your situation
• describe your problems

• tell him/her when you think you can start.

Dear Mr. Murphy,

I am writing to inform you that I will not be able to start working for Murphy's Indstries next Monday June 8th as we have agreed on our last meting. Please accept my sincere applogy.

The reason for this is that my 4 years old son has broken his arm yesterday and since my wife is away for the business trip I will have to spent two weeks at home taking care of him. My wife will return home next Saturday and I assume that she will take care of our child. If she will not be able to do it I have already arranged for babysitter to help us. Therefore, in any case I will be available to start my new job form June 15th.

Once again, I appologise for incovinience but given the circumstanses I am in I hope you will show understanding and allow me to start one week later. Please let me know your decision as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely,

John Doe.

[sksksk]

K сожалению, намного хуже чем первая попытка. Больше 7 вряд ли 'потянет'.

еще одно.

It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be.
Give some reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought
closer together.

Include any relevant examples from your experience.

It is true that in many countries these days familes are not as close as they were a century ago. In this essay I will provide major reasons why this happened and try to give sugegstions how we can improve on this development.

There are many reasons why many families do not get together as much as the did in the past. Firstly, the world today is much faster that it used to be even twenty years ago. Most people work a lot and simply have no time for regular meetings with their close friends not to say about their relatives. Secondly, as the world has become a global village many people setle down in cities and even countries different from those where they were born. Therefore, they often live far away from their parents and other close relative and simply are unable to frequently meet them. Lastly, the culture and the way of life of our generation is much different from that of our parents' one. It is simply not fashionable to spent a lot of time with older parents and other relatives amoung modern day youngsters - they have moany other things to do like going to nightclubs, movies et cetera.

But does all mentioned above mean that we cannot do anything to birng back families close togethet? I assume the answer is no. There are some simple ways to do so. For example, families members of which live in the same city can agree to regulary go out to a dinner in a restauirant which will probably be easier to arrange than meeting in someone's house in old-fashion way. Also, and especialy families, members of which live in different cities can try to spent their vacation together at least once a year. Finally, regular letters and phonecalls can help. If people exchange phonecalls then chances that they will decide to get together are higher.

My own experince supports all of these suggetsions. I have been living separate from my family since I was 16 and I was not close to it untill the last summer when we decided to go to the vacation together. Al first I felt unconfartable to spend days with my parents but very soon I remembered a lot of nice things from my childhood and became relly pleased that I had a chance to be close to them again. And this trip was a turning point in my relationship with my parents. Since that time we call each other almost every day, I visit then almost every month and we become large happy family as we used to be when I was a kid.

To summarise: in a modern world many families are not close as they used to be in the past. But there are many simple things which can and should be done to bring back families together.

я вот боюсь что у меня выходит вместо 250 пости 500. это не страшно? может лучше короче но точнее, а то скажут воды много а тема нераскрыта.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

еще одно.

It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be.
Give some reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought
closer together.

Include any relevant examples from your experience.

It is true that in many countries these days familes ....

Хорошо!
Теперь замечания:

1. не начинайте предложения с but i and. But/and соединяет две части предложения, либо parallel structures (забыла как по русски называется. Например, я люблю плавать, но не нырять)
2. По сравнению со всем остальным, слабенькое Introduction. Если хотите лучше оценку (6-7 - не требует изменений в данном случае), то избавьтесь от In this essay I will provide blah-blah-blah

3. Довольно много spelling and 'funny' mistakes, but nothing major

• There are some simple ways to do so. For example, families members of which live in the same city can agree to regulary go out to a dinner in a restauirant which will probably be easier to arrange than meeting in (не нужно) old-fashionED way- я бы поставила запятую перед which. Можно и без, но для облегчения понимания в длинном предложении ...
• Al first I felt uncoMfOrtable to spend days with my parents (не нужно)
• 16 - sixteen

Overall, better than the previous one but still not as good as the first.

[nekokit]

я вот боюсь что у меня выходит вместо 250 пости 500. это не страшно? может лучше короче но точнее, а то скажут воды много а тема нераскрыта.

Главное - по времени уложиться. Расчитывайте на письмо минут 20, а на эссе - 40. Если писать 500 слов, то в них и ошибок может оказаться больше, и времени на проверку совсем не останется.

[sksksk]

Хорошо!
Теперь замечания:

спасибо. ну спеллин это изза того что на кмпе пишу в основнм. карандашом вряд ли они будут.

еще одно.

in many countries schools have severe problems with student behaviour. What do you think are the causes of this?
What solutions can you suggest.

Nowadays pupil's bad behaviour at schools is one of the major problems of education system in many countires. There are many causes of such a development. At the same time there are also mechanisms which could be used to solve this problem.

I believe that youngzter's bad behavior is a direct consequence of a general tendency of worsening of children's upbringing. These days in many families both parents are working and simply do not have enough time to spend with their children and teach them good manners. As a result, many children are left on their own for much time and simply do not see examples of good behaviour from their relatives. Therefore, lack of the parents' attention at home is in my opinion the most important reason why children behave badly at schools.

Also, modern culture contributes a lot into this problem. Television programs, movies, computer games and other mass media feature a lot of things like violence, rude language, sex references. Children who watches all of these, espceally if it comes from their heroes like Batman or Spiderman try to copy this behavior in their life. Not surprisingly then, if Batman kills his enemy just does not help eldery woman to cross the road then young people will not show signs of good behavior.

So what should we do in order to teach our kids good manners? I believe that firstly we adults should behave good and give a good example to the young. Secondly, the Government should put strict restrictions on what children watch on TV and on which games children may be allowed to play. It can be done by banning programs showing things like sex and violence from national networks and by tight control of computer games on the market. Lastly, schools themselved could do a lot. For example, they can introduce lessons where pupils will be taught things like ethicet, tolerance, good behavior in general.

To conclude: I believe that it is our own behaviour and our own culture which make young people behave badly. We should change ourselves if we want our next generation to remain good people and good citizens.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

спасибо. ну спеллин это изза того что на кмпе пишу в основнм. карандашом вряд ли они будут.

Давайте определимся сразу: 7 скорее всего у Вас 'в кармане', если не произойдет какого-то неожиданного сбоя.
Зачем Вам мои комментарии? - я ведь к мелочам придираюсь, если исходить из 7-ки!
Если, конечно, хотите, то могу делать 'разбор полетов' для общего развития, так сказать, но оно Вам надо?

По поводу последнего essay
1. Introduction - quite good though could've been better if a wider range of vocab and synonyms was used, e.g.
to solve/address/overcome/approach, etc the problem/issue, etc
2. Try to avoid using colons in an essay. I've noticed you actually quite favour them in conclusions. Use in conclusion/in summary/on the whole/overall/to sum up/in brief, etc followed by a comma, i.e. In summary,
3. Nobody knows for sure whether you are marked down for using question forms in an essay. This is certainly quite acceptable by American standards but against old fashioned British English. Avoid posting questions in essays, just to be on the safer side.
4. You're very good at using modals and complex senteces. What about 2nd conditionals?
For example, they can introduce lessons where pupils will be taught things like ethicet, tolerance, good behavior in general.-> If ethics, tolerance and acceptable behaviour patterns were taught at schools, there would be blah-blah-blah

Anyway, this is the last time I'm commenting on your essay. You are right on your target and there's no real need for any major changes, except probably for the conclusion bit!

If you want me to point to every mistake you make, then this will have to be done via ЛС.

G'luck with your IELTS.

[sksksk]

Давайте определимся сразу: 7 скорее всего у Вас 'в кармане', если не произойдет какого-то неожиданного сбоя.
Зачем Вам мои комментарии? - я ведь к мелочам придираюсь, если исходить из 7-ки!
Если, конечно, хотите, то могу делать 'разбор полетов' для общего развития, так сказать, но оно Вам надо?

thanks a lot.
I was just about to post another one

Couple of questions though. Every book I read say that use different forms, don't be shy to use questions. and you are saying that it may be bad.

Happy to hear that you think I'll get 7 - it would be more than enough. 6.5 is actually my lowest acceptable band.

Surely, I wrote em all mostly to train myslef but thanks for all suggestions.

Ok the last one. Maybe someone esle does not share your point of view.

Happieness is considered very important in life. Why is it diffcult to define? What factors are important in achieving happieness?
Give reasons and include relevant example from your own knoweldge or experience.

There are many different things which are mentioned by people as important factors in their life. Examples are money, health and others. At the same time, almost everyone agrees that happiness is very important in his or her life.

Let us ask ourselves what exactly happiness is. Surprisingly, while everyone can feel whether he or she is happy or not it is very hard to define the exact meaning of this word. There are several simple reasons why it is so.

Firstly, happiness is the emotion and almost every emotion hardly can be defined in simple terms. The same goes to feelings such as sadness, love and so on. Probably our language does not have enough power to translate emotional state into words.

Secondly, it might as well be that different people put different values into their definition of happiness. Therefore, there is simply no general definition which will suit anyone. For example, I would feel myself happy if I just have enough food and cover while the other one needs to be loved and cared about in order to be happy.

Lastly, our emotional feelings change dramatically on a course of quite a short time. For example, sometimes I feel myself happy when I wake up in the morning but do not feel the same one hour later although nothing happened which could change my feelings. This is called wild mood swings by scientists. This kind of behavior suggests that feeling of happiness is not understood by our mind and body. Of course then it will be impossible to define such a feeling.

While there is so much debate in what happiness exactly is it is not hard to indicate which factors are responsible for achieving happiness for many people. A few of them are health, having good nutrition, having a nice house, having someone to love and getting his or her love in return, having children. These are factors which are quite general but every person may have his or her own factors as well. For example, sportsman will probably has to become world champion in order to be happy, writer could need to get Nobel Prize and so on and so forth.

To summarize, almost everyone thinks that happiness is important in one's life. At the same time definition of happiness is very vague. On the other hand factors which lead to happiness are quite easily identifiable. They may differ among people but there are a few of them which are universal for all people.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

thanks a lot.
I was just about to post another one

Couple of questions though. Every book I read say that use different forms, don't be shy to use questions. and you are saying that it may be bad.

Most IELTS prep books target 6 or 6.5. There are only few books on the market for more advanced level ('Improve you IELTS' series is the only one I like). If you read any good (band 8 for example) IELTS essay you will notice that there's hardly any question forms in it. It is not generally considered good English to do so thought IELTS is quite open minded.
Please note, I'm not saying it is bad to use question forms. All I was saying is it is certainly preferable not to use them, just to be on the safe side of things.

[ledy]

Всем привет!
Прошу покритиковать мое эссе
Спасибо

Do you agre or desagree with the following statement? Businesses should do anything they can to make a profit. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Nowadays we can observe an activity of enormous quontity firms, companies. It may be a big and a small business. But all have the main aim in receiving income and do everything possible for improving it.
Firstly, the company must have a profit because the director need to pay the salary for his workers.
Secondly, at present time, the majority of firms pay for rent. As we know, the payment for rent is expensive in the most of cases.
Thirdly, the company needs to pay for using of different services. For example, for phone, light, water and many other things. In my opinion, every company must have a profit. The receiving of profit is the necessary and very important task for activity of firm.
The company, wich doesn’t have a profit will not be able to act more.Thus, many businesses were close.
By the way, the success of company depends on profit. The company, which receives more income, becomes stronger, influential, marketable and famous. We know such big, famous companies as Mc Donalds, Coca-cola and other. These companies have an enormous income every day. They take one of the first places in the world. It seems that the quality of profit depends on demand of product of some company. When the product is bought in a big quantity, then this firm receives much money. That’s why it has a good profit.
In conclusion, every company should have a profit and do everything possible for this. All activity of businesses must be tend to receiving of income. The income is the clue to success of every company and life of company in whole.

[Sveta08]

newjersey, спасибо! буду еще писать эссе