My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[АнатолийI]

Kyska, зачем это здесь?

[yamov]

Kyska, зачем это здесь?

Probably she's still bored. Let it be.

[АнатолийI]

Позвольте немного выйти из теникритикуйте. плиз:

Сhildren today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside plaing sports and taking part in more traditional pstimes than all day indoors. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

No secrets that nowadays computers and other electronic gadgets have influence on people, especially on children. While some people allow to their children to spend a lot time playing electronic games, other claim the best way for growing generation is activities outside home. I strongly agree with point regarding spending free childs time without many hours of playing computer. Below I will explore my opinion.

Firstly, there is problem with eyesight of young people around the world. Compare to previous centures, scientists notice that humanity had a lot better eyesight until the era of computers come. Now every third child has a correct glasses, and unfortunately there are no reasons for cease this tendency. Secondly, if kids spend more time indoors using computers, generally they become less sociable. Then they prefer communicate with their scholmates by e-mails or Skype, and it might influence on their integration in adults life at the future. The health is not only good eyesight,and children should have many different activities for providing a good physical form themselves. These youngs, who have regulary activities, such as sports and exercises, get more chances to become health adults, and even to have more long life expectancy probably.
Of course, nobody should forget computers give children advantages also. Young generation get usefull information by computers and Internet during their studying at school. There are special games and programs, which allow to correct some physical or mental defects of kids.

In conclusion, I would like to say that people should allow children to use computers, but it should be limited to protect kids health.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Позвольте немного выйти из теникритикуйте. плиз:

Сhildren today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside plaing sports and taking part in more traditional pstimes than all day indoors. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

No secrets that nowadays computers and other electronic gadgets have influence on people, especially on children. While some people allow to their children to spend a lot time playing electronic games, other claim the best way for growing generation is activities outside home. I strongly agree with point regarding spending free childs time without many hours of playing computer. Below I will explore my opinion.

Firstly, there is problem with eyesight of young people around the world. Compare to previous centures, scientists notice that humanity had a lot better eyesight until the era of computers come. Now every third child has a correct glasses, and unfortunately there are no reasons for cease this tendency. Secondly, if kids spend more time indoors using computers, generally they become less sociable. Then they prefer communicate with their scholmates by e-mails or Skype, and it might influence on their integration in adults life at the future. The health is not only good eyesight,and children should have many different activities for providing a good physical form themselves. These youngs, who have regulary activities, such as sports and exercises, get more chances to become health adults, and even to have more long life expectancy probably.
Of course, nobody should forget computers give children advantages also. Young generation get usefull information by computers and Internet during their studying at school. There are special games and programs, which allow to correct some physical or mental defects of kids.

In conclusion, I would like to say that people should allow children to use computers, but it should be limited to protect kids health.

Скажите, у вас учитель есть или сами занимаетесь? Просто если есть учитель, показывали ли вы ему/ей это эссе. Я об'ясню почему я интересуюсь. Дело не в IELTS, а именно в английском языке. Некоторые вещи требуют об'яснения и показа как правильно, а как нет. И закрепления. Указывать на ошибки без об'яснения что и как - это далеко не всегда помогает.

Возьмем Заключение.

In conclusion, I would like to say that people should allow children to use computers, but it should be limited to protect kids health.

Highlighted in blue - This is absolutely inappropriate. This sounds like Runglish to me.

Highlighted in green - who are those people? Do 'people' not allow children use computers? Why are those 'people' so important that you refer to them in your Conclusion, especially considering that there's no reference to 'people' in the essay task?

Highlighted in orange - what does 'it' refer to?

Highlighted in purple - again, why are you talking about something that has no real reference in the essay task? And what do you mean by 'protecting kids' health'? Protect against what?

Your teacher/tutor could point to those and other problems and make you re-write the sentences in a couple of different ways.

OK, let's re-design this sentence.
Start with In conclusion, children ....

[АнатолийI]

Maimiti_Isabella, как всегда спасибо.
Tutor есть, как раз завтра будут показывать это эссе.
Думаю выложить со своими доработками, т.к. уже нашёл несколько ошибок, eg "integration in adults life at the future"--> integration into adulthood, засилье allow etc.
Но самая большая беда, что мне это эссе нравилось на момент окончания написания((

In conclusion, children should spend more time playing sports, meeting with friends face-to face and using other traditional activities. Negative effects of computer influence could be reduced by limiting the time sitting near computer screens.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

In conclusion, children should spend more time playing sports, meeting with friends face-to face and using other traditional activities. Negative effects of computer influence could be reduced by limiting the time sitting near computer screens.

Уже НАМНОГО лучше, но теперь становятся более явными проблемы с английским.

doing sports (you don't mean a particular sport here but general physical activity)
meeting friends (no need for any other 'additions', including the prep). If you do want to use face-to-face, then --> communicating with friends face-to-face
doing other traditional activities (whatever this means, because I have no clue what you mean by 'traditional activities).

But you'll need synonyms! How about engaging in other traditional activities (again, I have no idea what these might be)

near computer screens -> in front of
What if they don't sit? --> spending considerable time in front of the computers

Anyway, something along those lines. Your teacher should help you out to find better wording and develop the synonym 'bank' for overused words.

Now, when we've done all these, let's re-write the conclusion, this time starting with
In conclusion, engaging in different

[Antonn]

Добрый день, уважаемые форумчане! Написал первое свое эссе не в боевой обстановке - на компьютере, без словаря, за час. Тему взял методом тыка. Из основных проблем - отсутствие идей по темам. Язык учу самостоятельно в течение года. Прошу указать на недочеты и возможную оценку за подобное творение.

Essay: The number of crime committed by young people has increased rapidly. Write the causes of it and explain how teachers and parents can help with it.

Regrettably, modern society has not achieved decreasing the number of crime. It is sadder to see that increasingly young people are involved in that. Partly, there is blame of parents and teachers, who cannot prevent their children committing in crime. Following analyze will try to look at the reasons and give some useful advices.

It is not a secret that our children have free access to all kind of TV programs, which sometimes propagandize violence. Kids perceive information much more sensitively than adults, so such sorts of programs influence their mind, and ways of solving problems become aggressive.

Besides, too much free time especially for students after their classes can also be a reason of that. Whenever people don’t go in for sport or other activities and has not any hobby, have to direct power to something other. Unfortunately, criminal path usually become the way to spend time. We should make them to be occupied, that definitely lead to development of personality.

Environment surrounded them has significant impact for our children behavior, particularly the closest people – parents and teachers. They must control kid’s spending time, correct some behavior mistakes, help to solve problems. Parents have responsibility and should serve as a pattern for their children. Tutors should help their students to be socialized except of only teaching.

We have got an increasing of young people crimes and it is our oversight. We must bring them up in such way so as not to admit they can choose criminal path. Then children will please us and bring benefit to society.

[Antonn]

И еще одно эссе на вашу критику. Заранее благодарю!

Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It is well known that all famous entertainers, such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars, get a lot of money. Sometimes it makes envy from majority of people. I am absolutely agreed that payment of labor of such people is quite equitable and there will be given all the reasons of that.

Famous people were not always as they are now,they were just the same as other people. However, they had another type of thinking that differed them from the others. Of course, they all had different purposes – to be a famous actor or a musician, to be successful sportsman or politician, but they were united that they had purpose to life. And to achieve their goal they had to work hard and enclose a lot of efforts. They have deserved award in the manner of good payment. Usual personsare not able to do like them because of lack of incentives, their life suits them perfectly.

Besides, outstanding people continue to work hard every day, sometimes without any holidays. Their timetable, as a rule, are crowded with some duties, obligations, appointments, and other necessary activities. Usually they have not enough time to spend with family. Therefore, high payment is a fair compensation of that.

However, not only famous people deserve to earn a lot of money. There are many professions, which a not so mark for society, but their representatives bring a large benefit for humanity. They are also worthy to earn quite a few money.

To sum up, the situation, that famous entertainers are paid much money, is quite equitable. All the people ready to work hard must be paid well, be he a famous person or usual man.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

И еще одно эссе на вашу критику. Заранее благодарю!

Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It is well known that all famous entertainers, such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars, get a lot of money. Sometimes it makes envy from majority of people. I am absolutely agreed that payment of labor of such people is quite equitable and there will be given all the reasons of that.

Famous people were not always as they are now,they were just the same as other people. However, they had another type of thinking that differed them from the others. Of course, they all had different purposes – to be a famous actor or a musician, to be successful sportsman or politician, but they were united that they had purpose to life. And to achieve their goal they had to work hard and enclose a lot of efforts. They have deserved award in the manner of good payment. Usual personsare not able to do like them because of lack of incentives, their life suits them perfectly.

Besides, outstanding people continue to work hard every day, sometimes without any holidays. Their timetable, as a rule, are crowded with some duties, obligations, appointments, and other necessary activities. Usually they have not enough time to spend with family. Therefore, high payment is a fair compensation of that.

However, not only famous people deserve to earn a lot of money. There are many professions, which a not so mark for society, but their representatives bring a large benefit for humanity. They are also worthy to earn quite a few money.

To sum up, the situation, that famous entertainers are paid much money, is quite equitable. All the people ready to work hard must be paid well, be he a famous person or usual man.

на мой взгляд - 5.5 (но просматривается хорошая возможность в будущем получить весьма приличную оценку).

Пока же есть серьзные проблемы с английским языком, в основном с выбором слов и collocations. Проблемы с формами слов, т.е. как слова 'связаны' в предложении.
В параграф выделенным синим мысль 'не закончена'. Кроме того, данный параграф не отвечает на вопрос задания: Which other types of job should be highly paid?

Please note:
Типичная ошибка носителей практически всех европейских языков: в английском agree является глаголом, т.е. вспомогательный глагол не требуется
I am agree (WRONG!) --> I agree

Я вам исправлю только Вступление. Может кто-нибудь еще захочет прокомментировать и указать ошибки?

It is well known that all famous entertainers, such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars, get a lot of --> make good money. Sometimes it makes envy from majority of people --> makes many people envious. I am absolutely agreed that payment of labor (??? - I'm not sure of the meaning) of such people is quite equitable and there will be given all the reasons of that --> and certain reasons to support this opinion will be presented/discussed/listed/explored.

[АнатолийI]

Anyway, something along those lines. Your teacher should help you out to find better wording and develop the synonym 'bank' for overused words.

Now, when we've done all these, let's re-write the conclusion, this time starting with
In conclusion, engaging in different

Regarding "playing sports" and "tradition activities"..The first one was copied from the task, the second one means "more traditional pastime" for me..

Unfortunately, I noticed that my teacher don't give me a lot of ideas for rearrangement. Possibly, her strategy depends on my current level of English, and she follows a definite plan..Anyway, I thanks for your assistance and further advices.
Now let me just represent the corrected version of my essay (if there are some grammar mistakes again, it will be only my defects):
Сhildren today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than all day indoors. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

No secrets that nowadays computers and other electronic gadgets have influence on people, especially on children. While some people allow to their children to spend a lot of time playing electronic games, others claim the best way for growing generation is activities outside home. I strongly agree with point regarding spending free children time without many hours of playing computer. Below I will explore my opinion.

Firstly, there is a problem with eyesight of young people around the world. Compareing to previous centures, scientists notice that humanity had a lot better eyesight until the era of computers come. Now every third child has a correct glasses, and unfortunately there are no reasons for ceasecessation this tendency. Secondly, if kids spend more time indoors using computers, generally they become less sociable. Then, they prefer communicate with their schoolmates by e-mails or Skype, and it might influence on their integration into adulthoods life atin the future. The health is not only good eyesight,and children should have many different activities for providing a good physical form themselves. These youngs people, who have regulary activities, such as sports and exercises, get more chances to become healthy adults, and even to have more long life expectancy probably.
Of courseNevertheless, nobody should forget computers give children advantages also. Young generation get usefull information by computers and by Internet during their studying at school. There are special games and programs, which allow to correct some physical or mental defects of kids.

In conclusion, engaging in different activities outdoors gives children a lot more benefits than spending considerable time in front of the computers. Also, it is clear that electronic units cannot replace neither a real friendship nor a love.

[Antonn]

Maimuti_Isabella, meme, спасибо за проверку!
Русский английский - наверно проблема многих. Буду тренироваться

[Maimiti_Isabella]

In conclusion, engaging in different activities outdoors gives children a lot more benefits than spending considerable time in front of the computers.

This one is almost perfect! Can you feel the difference?

Also, it is clear that electronic units (--> gadgets) can (you can't use the negative form here) replace neither real friendship nor love. (note that I got rid of the articles

This one is off topic again. Love? You haven't talked about love at all! Or have you?


Generally speaking, your essay doesn't exactly stay on the task as the task is about computers and electronic entertainment and you were talking about games only. What about other forms of entertainment?

[АнатолийI]

Maimiti_Isabella,

This one is almost perfect! Can you feel the difference?

направление движения в нужную сторону я понял, my gratitudes

What about other forms of entertainment?

Truly, I don't know other forms of this one I could use the term "электронный досуг", however it doesn't matter on the task's basis.(IMHO)

Concerning love=off topic - I only wanted to increase a word quantity of my conclusion.

Please, will not worry if I don't reply soon. I'll be too busy, but I'll come back soon ))

[jigglypuff]

Ребят, проверьте, пожалуйста, мое эссе. Тема из Cambridge IELTS 9, Test 1.
Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

In today’s world people’s awareness of the role of education in their children’s lives is ever increasing. This is particularly true for studying foreign languages which is becoming more popular even at primary school. The argument that languages should be taught at such an early stage is a subject that is both supported and refuted by many. Both sides of this argument should be analyzed before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.

Firstly, it is undeniable that learning a foreign language provides a great opportunity to get in touch with cultures of different nations which is essential in the modern globalized world. For instance, understanding values of various societies around the globe as well as getting acquainted with their customs, traditions, gems of literature and music may positively contribute to the development of a personality. The earlier the studying begins the earlier a kid gets an overview of the world around him. Thus timely cultural education of children is crucial. Because of this it is understandable why introducing foreign languages at primary school has garnered support.

However, negative factors should also be mentioned. According to teachers many children have problems with learning their native languages needless to say about foreign ones. It is also often believed that only fundamental subjects like mathematics or biology should be presented at primary school otherwise pupils become overloaded with excess information. Therefore an early introduction of a foreign language may harmfully affect the process of learning. In this way it makes clear why the arguments against it could also be reasonable.

To summarize, both sides of the argument regarding the problem are convincing. However, after analyzing both camps it is apparent that the idea of teaching foreign languages at primary school should be supported as the positive aspects of it are stronger than the negative ones.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Ребят, проверьте, пожалуйста, мое эссе. Тема из Cambridge IELTS 9, Test 1.
.....

Прежде чем комментировать ваше эссе, я бы хотела провести небольшой эксперимент, так как я пока не знаю как 'относится' к данному эссе.

Напишите краткий рассказ, почему вы хотите уехать в Австралию (навсегда или на учебу - неважно). Условия следующие: 20 минут только письма (можете еще минут 5 подумать, но не писать), без словаря. Можете опубликовать здесь, можете прислать мне в Personal Messages.

Еще мне надо знать ваш target score