My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Vanderley]

kariliya, вы не могли бы ответить на вопросы и исправить ошибки на которые я указал. Pour me faire plaisir

[Eres]

Volh, несмотря на прекрасное описание вам больше 6-6.5 за эти эссе вряд ли поставят.
1) не используйте такие прилагательные как big, small, good or bad. Старайтесь их избегать. За это сильно снижают оценку. Подберите к ним какие нибудь синонимы.
вместо small shop можно было бы использовать ordinary shop, a вмесо big centers - enormous malls.
2) В предложениях явно не хватает прилагательных и наречий. Из за этого, предлжения немного суховаты. Нужно чаще использовать такие как real, rally, indeed, efficient, totally и многие другие.
3) Очень бедная граматика. Используйте больше пассивов, условных и тд.
4) В первых параграфах двух эссе не хватает хватает какого нибудь завершающего предложения. Для первого можно было бы закончить так: In the following paragraphs I will give several reasons to support my position(opinion).
5) В большенстве параграфов очень мало предложений поддерживающих идею обозначеную в начале.

Я бы посоветовал найти в сети сборник эссе который называется Academic IELTS block 00
Там очень много примеров систем написания всех типов заданий по райтингу. В свое время мне он очень помог.

Чтоб не быть голословным в своих замечаниях, прилагаю эссе за которое я получил на экзамене 6.5.

Ecological balance is impossible to achieve when technological progress constantly ruins our environment. Do you agree?

It is irrefutable that modern progress causes really devastating harm to environment. Although some people declare that saving nature is almost impossible under the current impact of technological development, I am totally disagree with this point of view, because maintaining the ecological balance is mainly depends on people’s will to do it and there are no reasons to blame progress at all. In the following paragraphs I will give several reasons to support my position.

First of all, providing constant necessary work and funding is the main measure in the way of preserving world ecological situation. Only a country’s head is responsible for it. If governments all over the world start to provide the policy of saving nature, the impact of human harmful activity on nature will be minimized indeed. Moreover, some actions can be really efficient not only in the way of maintaining world ecology, but also in one of improving it. There is huge number of abandoned areas all over the world which can be used for organizing national parks. Especially, places which were left after the intensive extraction of natural resources. For example, a month ago I read an article about the policy of Australian government in dealing with old exhausted mining areas. The author of it said that almost all of them had been converted into lakes and new forests had been planted around them. As the result of those actions the local environment had flourished dramatically.

Secondly, high people’s awareness about the importance of nature can be really beneficial. The more necessary knowledge about the subject people have, the more responsible they are with using environment. If entrepreneurs understand clearly all outcomes of their activity for the life on Earth, they will definitely try to use more harmless ways of manufacturing goods and extracting natural resources. Furthermore, well-educated ordinary people can help to preserve environment in the daily basis. If citizens are totally aware about the impact of their activity, they will be more careful with nature.

In conclusion, I would like to say that maintaining the ecological balance all over the world is a really complicated work. This work demands consolidation of all members of society on the Earth. Also without proper thinking and wise solution it is almost impossible to save nature for future generations.

[Volh]

Eres, Огромное спасибо за конструктивную критику!
Сборник нашел, буду стараться.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Добрый день!

Пожалуйста, прокомментируйте мою писанину. Заранее благодарен!
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....

You're welcome to ignore my opinion but рано вам готовиться с IELTS, если конечно вы рассчитываете на приличный балл.

У вас очень слабый английский, и именно подтягиванием английского надо прежде всего заняться. Я прочитала только 2-ое эссе, и оно очень слабое.

[Eres]

Volh, Мой вам совет, постарайтесь выработать свой собственный шаблон для написания эссе. В прцессе подготовки я пришел к такому выводу, что вместо того, чтобы думать как составить предложение, имея готовы шаблон достаточно только вставить слова и идеи. Это очень сильно экономит время

Если у вас трудности с идеями, советую учить и пересказывать готовые эссе.
https://sites.google.com/site/ieltsessaywritingtopics/
На сайте найдете огромное количество примеров написания эссе. Мне они в свое время очень помогли.

[Vanderley]

постарайтесь выработать свой собственный шаблон

Человек путает what и that, что у него за шаблон получится?

[illi4]

Друзья, у меня возник вот какой вопрос. В body эссе opinion (agree / disagree), в принципе, нормально писать один topic sentence и развивать его в три-четыре последующие предложения. В body других типов эссе все материалы советуют писать topic sentence, первое "major ключевое предложение" с supporting (2-3 предложения), второе "minor ключевое" с supporting (ещё 2), но это получается ~ 7-8 предложений на каждый body, что в 40-45 минут уложить сложновато с нормальными intro и conclusion.

Так вот, вопрос. Достаточно ли для 8ки в других типах эссе по 4-5 предложений на body с упором на качественную аргументацию и железные доводы? Или если я в, например, reasons/solutions эссе укажу только 1 reason и нормально его обосную - это не потянет на band 8?

PS Само собой, особенно интересно мнение людей, сдавших на 8

UPD: Получил ответ от одного из туторов: For an essay that just asked your opinion, I think it is best to do is use a and just have one idea per paragraph.. And also you only need two body paragraphs as long as your essay reaches 250 words… So for an opinion essay the format you use is great

But if it is a both sides and opinion essay or a two question essay … There is a risk that if you only have one point per body paragraph, you may risk not getting to 8 for task response. So it's a gamble between cohesion and coherence and task response!

[WombatChick]

Big shopping centres better than streets of shops. (For/Against)

Many people where I live now are opting for the shopping malls and supermarkets whereas others prefer to do shopping shop in small markets stores located near to each other or even sometimes further away apart.

Слово 'market' само по себе это не магазин.

In my opinion, the first groups of people who like large shopping centres choose them due to the fact that such shops resemble big warehouses where possible to you can buy everything from a slice of bread to a garden bench or even a car. Meanwhile, as a representative of the second group, I am more inclined to visit a small stores, i. Itdoes not matter to me how far they are may be from each other.

The main idea of doing so, it is a possibility to buy exactly that what you want and chat with sellers shop assistants. In many cases, in such shops there are not so many people as in big centres such shops have fewer employees than the big ones, and they have better knowledge of that what they are selling. Moreover, if you are have been a loyal customer for a long time, they can hold something especially for you or advise what is better to take at that time.

that - conjunction.
what - object of a noun clause.
На ютубе есть подробные уроки на тему "That vs. What".

Another thing which attracts me a lot in aspect that I find attractive in small retail stores is the freshness of food and dairy products, this which is very important if you care about your own and your family’s health.

В non-defining relative clauses нельзя использовать 'this'.

Even though, the small shops are good, they cannot provide such a big assortment as supermarkets. The prices there are also less lower and you may spend a lot of time, if you want, as much time as you want to find exactly that what you need. There are also the possibility There you can also ask shopping assistants about the pros and cons of any given thing, but relations service there are is more impersonal. Furthermore, sometimes they may fool you to sell into buying that what they have in excess surplus.
The last but not least thing which turns me off Finally, another good reason to avoid visiting any shopping centres is the crowds at the cashier’s desk checkout. You may find that you would like to buy in a few minutes, but you may end up standing in a queue for half an hour.

Вместо 'a big assortment' я бы написала 'a large selection'.

'Last but not least' - идиома. К ней не надо добавлять ни 'the', ни 'thing'.

'Cashier's desk' - В США, Канаде, и, насколько я знаю, в Австралии, используют слово 'checkout' когда речь идёт о супермаркетах.

To sum up, I would mention that we are all different and I am sure that in the world a lot of people who like to visit the supermarkets and makes fun out of it, so the variety of choices in this case are is definitely good.

Не совсем понятно, о чём заключительный параграф. "Все мы разные"--так можно сказать обо всём на свете.

-----------------------------------------

Advantages and disadvantages of increasing tourism

In the recent decades, falling prices on airfares as well as the simplicity and accessibility of getting international visas has have made tourism the most popular entertainment leisure activity in the world. A lot of people dream to about earning enough money to have a possibility be able to travel around the world at any given time. Whereas others do not support this idea at all due to the fact that the countries which receive guests are close to losing their identity and culture. However, others argue that the growth of tourism can cause a loss of local cultural identity.

Tourism, unlike gambling or cinema, is not a form of entertainment.

First of all, the most positive influence of developing tourism is that our contemporaries start to have an interest in the lifestyles and cultures of different countries. For example, nowadays it is important or sometimes even vital to have knowledge not only of your own language, but of at least a foreign one as well. It gives you an opportunity to be more open-minded and understand people better. Moreover it gives you unleashing the potential to work in many spheres and makes your life easier.

Я бы про язык написала так: Today it is important and sometimes even essential to know at least one foreign language.

Secondly, traveling around the world gives you a sense of how small we are and at the same time, how big an impact could be made by us we have had on our planet. There are a lot of well-known examples when our unconcerned careless/reckless behavior was a reason the cause of the extinction of many creatures, destroying of land surface and too many other things to mention.[

In addition, I am partly to agree with the people who speak about the bad influence of tourism on third-world countries. In their opinion, such countries lose their identity by receiving visitors from well developed ones. They lose their knowledge about their ancestors and becaome servicemen servants for to many others who caome to hotels and other places intended for entertainments. They also claim about devastating impact of crowds that crowds have a devastating impact on their previously untouched nature.

'servicemen' - солдаты. Если вы имели ввиду слуг, то тогда 'servants'.

To sum up, I do believe that tourism is a good thing which may help us to become better people/individuals and improve our knowledge about our place in the world. However, we should be more responsible and be aware make sure that our actions do not make cause irreversible damage to either indigenous people or our planet.

[illi4]

Что-то все вымерли ) Раз нет новых эссе, то покритикуйте моё, плз.

Task: To improve road safety, there should be more severe punishments for drivers who break the rules. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There are different opinions in regard to the question of whether courts should be stricter with motorists who do not obey laws. Some people argue that this approach is ineffective in decreasing the rate of car accidents and protecting pedestrians from injuries. This essay will put forward the notion that the imposition of harsh penalties on disruptive drivers has a major bearing on road safety. An analysis of the influence of this measure on both recently qualified and experienced road users will prove the above-mentioned position.

The main reason why making traffic penalties more severe can improve the situation is because inexperienced motorists would realize that they should hone their driving skills as much as possible. In particular, people would learn more about certain ways of mastering unexpected traffic situations. In fact, some learners neglect to gain this knowledge because they think that a relatively small fine is the worst consequence in the case of a rules violation. If punishments were harsher, unskilled drivers would understand that they should prepare diligently for real-life scenarios.

Another reason why the strict enforcement of traffic laws can have a positive effect on everyone’s safety is that people would be eminently motivated to drive carefully. An emphasis should be placed on violations such as speeding and drunk driving. As a result, motorists would understand that there is a huge difference between what a person can do, wants to do, and is permitted to do as a driver. A good illustration of this is that the rate of road accidents in Moscow has decreased significantly since a recent increase in traffic fines.

In conclusion, I completely agree that punishments for disobedient drivers should be made more severe in order to decrease the number of casualties of road accidents. This change would persuade motorists to master necessary skills or change their driving habits. After analyzing the subject, it has become quite evident that governments should implement the above-mentioned approach in the immediate future in order to prevent the situation from deteriorating further.

[agronom]

Что-то все вымерли ) Раз нет новых эссе, то покритикуйте моё, плз.

Task: To improve road safety, there should be more severe punishments for drivers who break the rules. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There are different opinions in regard to the question of whether courts should be stricter with motorists who do not obey laws. Some people argue that this approach is ineffective in decreasing the rate of car accidents and protecting pedestrians from injuries. This essay will put forward the notion that the imposition of harsh penalties on disruptive drivers has a major bearing on road safety. An analysis of the influence of this measure on both recently qualified and experienced road users will prove the above-mentioned position.

The main reason why making traffic penalties more severe can improve the situation is because inexperienced motorists would realize that they should hone their driving skills as much as possible. In particular, people would learn more about certain ways of mastering unexpected traffic situations. In fact, some learners neglect to gain this knowledge because they think that a relatively small fine is the worst consequence in the case of a rules violation. If punishments were harsher, unskilled drivers would understand that they should prepare diligently for real-life scenarios.

Another reason why the strict enforcement of traffic laws can have a positive effect on everyone’s safety is that people would be eminently motivated to drive carefully. An emphasis should be placed on violations such as speeding and drunk driving. As a result, motorists would understand that there is a huge difference between what a person can do, wants to do, and is permitted to do as a driver. A good illustration of this is that the rate of road accidents in Moscow has decreased significantly since a recent increase in traffic fines.

In conclusion, I completely agree that punishments for disobedient drivers should be made more severe in order to decrease the number of casualties of road accidents. This change would persuade motorists to master necessary skills or change their driving habits. After analyzing the subject, it has become quite evident that governments should implement the above-mentioned approach in the immediate future in order to prevent the situation from deteriorating further.

хорошее по структуре эссей. даже вижу чей подход использовал
но резануло глаза
the situation is because имхо the situation is that.... or the situation because
и начало второго параграфа-перефраз первого. может лучше что то типа
Another reason to support the statement made above is that.....

в любом случае эссей лучше чем вы писали раньше и лучше структурировано. придут более продвинутые проверяльщики-поправят.

[illi4]

хорошее по структуре эссей. даже вижу чей подход использовал
но резануло глаза
the situation is because имхо the situation is that.... or the situation because
и начало второго параграфа-перефраз первого. может лучше что то типа
Another reason to support the statement made above is that.....

в любом случае эссей лучше чем вы писали раньше и лучше структурировано. придут более продвинутые проверяльщики-поправят.

Ок, спасибо.
Перефраз, насколько я понял - это наоборот хорошо. По крайней мере, это следует из книги Райана (только он это делал в конце параграфа) и книги Майка Уотти (в начале параграфа).

[agronom]

Ок, спасибо.
Перефраз, насколько я понял - это наоборот хорошо. По крайней мере, это следует из книги Райана (только он это делал в конце параграфа) и книги Майка Уотти (в начале параграфа).

конечно хорошо.но вы его уже сделали в 1 параграфе. но это мое-не компетентное -мнение. мой результат ниже вашего
просто в моем варианте вы показываете способность делать увязки и ссылки к сказанному уже. вы сделали ссылку в конце-я видел это.но это мое имхо

[Dremlin]

Что-то все вымерли ) Раз нет новых эссе, то покритикуйте моё, плз.

Task: To improve road safety, there should be more severe punishments for drivers who break the rules. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There are different opinions in regard to the question of whether courts should be stricter with [towards?] motorists who do not obey laws [the law (вроде uncountable) or Highway Сode]. Some people argue that this approach is ineffective in decreasing the rate of car accidents and protecting pedestrians from injuries. This essay will put forward the notion that the imposition of harsh penalties on disruptive drivers has a major bearing on road safety. An analysis of the influence of this measure on both recently qualified and experienced road users will prove the above-mentioned [как мне кажется above лучше использовать, когда что-то упоминалось в прошлых абзацах, в не в текущем] position.

The main reason why making traffic penalties more severe can improve the situation is because [that?] inexperienced motorists would realize that they should hone their driving skills as much as possible. In particular, people would learn more about certain ways of mastering unexpected traffic situations. In fact, some learners neglect to gain this knowledge because they think that a relatively small fine is the worst consequence in the case of a rules violation. If punishments were harsher, unskilled drivers would understand that they should prepare diligently for real-life scenarios.

Another reason why the strict enforcement of traffic laws can have a positive effect on everyone’s safety is that people would be eminently motivated to drive carefully. An emphasis should be placed on violations such as speeding and drunk driving. As a result, motorists would understand that there is a huge difference between what a person can do, wants to do, and is permitted to do as a driver. A good illustration of this is that the rate of road accidents in Moscow has decreased significantly since a recent increase in traffic fines.

In conclusion, I completely agree with? that punishments for disobedient drivers should be made more severe in order to decrease the number of casualties of [in] road accidents. This change would persuade [force] motorists to master necessary skills or change their driving habits. After analyzing the subject, it has become quite evident that governments should implement the above-mentioned approach [уже повторялось, как на счет means, method] in the immediate future in order to prevent the situation from deteriorating further.

illi4, рискну освежить свои знания, это больше не критика, а на обсудить.

И еще не критично конечно. Но я бы четко указал свою позицию "I completely agree" в интро, а не в конклюжене. А в концовке бы использовал такие пара-фрэйзез "I am inclined to believe", "As far as I am concerned" etc.

P.S. Еще эссе длинное. Успеваете написать за отведенное время?

[agronom]

illi4, рискну освежить свои знания, это больше не критика, а на обсудить.

И еще не критично конечно. Но я бы четко указал свою позицию "I completely agree" в интро, а не в конклюжене. А в концовке бы использовал такие пара-фрэйзез "I am inclined to believe", "As far as I am concerned" etc.

не согласен-интро четко показывает его точку зрения и задает тон всего ессей.

[Dremlin]

не согласен-интро четко показывает его точку зрения и задает тон всего ессей.

Я говорю про key phrases, а не про content.