My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[evstigneeff]

Спорно.
В одном из Cambridge IELTS было следующее задание:
Happiness is considered very important in life.
Why is it difficult to define? What factors are important in achieving happiness?

По-моему эта тема была не в General, а в Academic. Уж очень она специфичная для General.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Что вы имеете ввиду? Таких заданий на экзамене не попадётся? Если да, то для меня это огромное облегчение, т.к. не совсем понятно как писать эссе по правилам IELTS имея подобные вопросы.

Кстати тему взял из The New Prepare for IELTS General Training Modules. Там ещё как мне кажется есть странные темы типа вот этой:

What difficulties will face your country in the next ten years?
How can these problems be overcome?

Или эта тема больше похожа на тему для IELTS?

Во-первых, в любой теме IELTS есть general statement. Во вторых, я пока еще не видела ни одну тему, кот. была бы специфична для 'your country'. Your country может быть в качестве примера. "открытых' тем на IELTS, подобной этой, я тоже пока еще не встречала.

[JohnKrang]

Ребят, прошу прокомментить мое письмо-жалобу.
Пишу вместе с заданием:

There is a tree beside your room, which brings some problem to your study and life. Write a letter to the authority to explain the problem and give them your suggestion.
You do NOT need to write your own address. Begin your letter as follows: Dear Sir/ Madam,

Dear Sir/Madam,

The reason I am writing to you is a problem with a tree beside the room I live in. It has caused me a lot of distress.

I moved in this appartment two months ago. Firstly, I was very surprised when I heard a noise that was going from the huge tree outside. The same problem has been repeating for a long time. That noise has spoiled my evenings when I tried to take a break after a workday and complete my study investigation.

Moreover, now I have an apprehension of what could happen some day. I am really afraid of that tree might fall down on the house or my car.

Finally, I insist on either replacing this tree away from the building or at least cutting its branches down. The ideal solution would be chopping the tree.

I look forward for hearing from you.
Yours faithfully,
John Krang.

[will.i.am]

I insist

Поставьте себя на место authority и подумайте какова была бы ваша реакцию на подобную фразу. Лично я бы вообще в тот же день целый лес организовал за окном такого хамла.

[Vanderley]

Я бы как-нибудь поконкретнее про шум написал. Потому что не очень понятно что вообще происходит. От дерева доносился шум и точка. Непонятно или там птицы какие или оно скрипит или оно к вам в окно вломится пытается. Исходя из этого можно и решения проблемы предлагать.

[Dremlin]

Ребят, прошу прокомментить мое письмо-жалобу.
Пишу вместе с заданием:

There is a tree beside your room, which brings some problem to your study and life. Write a letter to the authority to explain the problem and give them your suggestion.
You do NOT need to write your own address. Begin your letter as follows: Dear Sir/ Madam,

Dear Sir/Madam,

The reason I am writing to you is a problem with a tree beside the room I live in. It has caused me a lot of distress [disturbance / discomfort].

I moved in this appartment [речь как бы идет о руме] two months ago. Firstly, I was very surprised when I heard a noise that was going from the huge tree outside. The same problem has been repeating for a long time. That noise has spoiled my evenings when I tried to take a break after a workday and complete my study investigation.

Moreover, now I have an apprehension of what could happen some day. I am really afraid of that tree might fall down on the house or my car.

Finally, I insist on either replacing this tree away from the building or at least cutting its branches down. The ideal solution would be chopping the tree.

I look forward for [to] hearing from you.

Yours faithfully,
John Krang.

Как бы предполагается, что Вы студент и видимо живете в кампусе (но таких писем на реальном экзамене по GT не будет). Поэтому контент местами не совсем подходит под данную ситуацию.

И как уже заметили- что за шум от дерева? Непонятно..

Я бы рекомендовал Вам выбирать топики для писем более или менее приближенные к реалиям взрослых семейных людей.

[JohnKrang]

Как бы предполагается, что Вы студент и видимо живете в кампусе (но таких писем на реальном экзамене по GT не будет). Поэтому контент местами не совсем подходит под данную ситуацию.

И как уже заметили- что за шум от дерева? Непонятно..

Я бы рекомендовал Вам выбирать топики для писем более или менее приближенные к реалиям взрослых семейных людей.

Нашел этот топик на этом сайте.. спасибо что прояснил про реальные темы.
А в целом, насколько баллов тянет?

[Dremlin]

Нашел этот топик на этом сайте.. спасибо что прояснил про реальные темы.
А в целом, насколько баллов тянет?

Честно сказать я не IELTS экзамена и мне довольно сложно оценивать чьи-то работы. Бывает что я свои обычно недооцениваю...
Но исходя из самых пессимистических прогнозов, я бы наверное его оценил как 5.5, 6- с большой натяжкой. Имхо конечно.

[illi4]

То, о чём уже написали другие, комментировать не буду.
Обратите внимание на то, что слов у вас впритык - 152. Если вам зачеркнут три слова - это уже недобор по длине, это рискованно Советую писать 160-170 слов.

Разбор:

Ребят, прошу прокомментить мое письмо-жалобу.
Пишу вместе с заданием:

There is a tree beside your room, which brings some problem to your study and life. Write a letter to the authority to explain the problem and give them your suggestion.
You do NOT need to write your own address. Begin your letter as follows: Dear Sir/ Madam,

Dear Sir/Madam,

The reason I am writing to you is the problem regarding a tree beside the room [может быть, всё таки window или house, а не room - оно же не внутри растёт] I live in. It has caused me a lot of distress.

I moved to this appartment two months ago. Firstly, I was very surprised when I heard a noise which was going from [mas made by the branches of] a huge tree outside. The same problem has been repeating for a long time. That noise often spoiled my evenings when I tried to take a break after a workday and complete my study investigation [просто studies; investigation - это что-то детективное].

Moreover, now I have an apprehension of what could happen some day [рунглиш]. I am really afraid that the tree might fall down on my house or my car.

Finally [finally тут не очень кстати], I insist either on replacing this tree away from the building [replacing? ] or at least cutting its branches down. The ideal solution would be to chop the tree down. [I would highly appreciate if you could chop the tree down.]

I look forward for hearing from you.
Yours faithfully,
John Krang.

[illi4]

Как бы предполагается, что Вы студент и видимо живете в кампусе (но таких писем на реальном экзамене по GT не будет).

Я бы рекомендовал Вам выбирать топики для писем более или менее приближенные к реалиям взрослых семейных людей.

Почему таких писем не может быть на реальном экзамене?
В небезизвестной статье "как я сдавала ielts" девушке на GT именно такая тема и попалась.

[Dremlin]

Почему таких писем не может быть на реальном экзамене?
В небезизвестной статье "как я сдавала ielts" девушке на GT именно такая тема и попалась.

Сколько раз я сдавал, и сколько отслеживал последние темы - ни разу не встречал тем писем, когда тебя ставят на позицию студента...
Обычно темы писем на экзамене подбираются на бытовые темы.

[will.i.am]

Почему таких писем не может быть на реальном экзамене?
В небезизвестной статье "как я сдавала ielts" девушке на GT именно такая тема и попалась.

Не парьтесь. Вполне может попасться такое письмо. Мне как то попалось письмо на тему перехода с фулл-тайм на парт-тайм на работе.

[kikaku]

Прошу посмотреть мое эссе на предмет ошибок)

Тема - some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. others, however, believe that school os the place to learn this.
discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Nowadays the problem of children’s education commoves a lot of people. Some of them believe that the best education comes from the paternal home, from family in particular. Others, however, tend forward another point of view. They think children get better knowledge of how to behave in school. In this essay these two opinions will be considered in details.

To start with, there are a number of stages that we undertake in order to communicate courteously and appropriately in society. All those stages make up the process of socialization in question.

Let’s turn our attention to the first point of view. Family is what gives children the very first experience of communication and conversations that provides children with the basic social knowledge. This knowledge is the most important one as we build our model of behavior on the base of all those habits, skills and traditions that have become homelike to us. It also builds up the initial mentality of a child, the way of thinking. Nevertheless, it is not enough to deal with only this kind of raising because people usually do not receive enough skills from family to communicate successfully in their future life.

Like the other group of people say, school is important for learning the rules necessary for life. After leaving sweet home, children will have to take part in more challenging situations. They will have to find out how to make friends and communicate with other people so that they will not offend somebody. The school is another stage of socialization that prepares young members of society for the adolescence and maturity. Despite the role of school education, which is undisputably significant, it is impossible to do without the parents’ help. It is family that provides us with the very first notions of society and helps to get involved to various groups of people.

In conclusion I would like to say that both these stages are extremely important for the whole process of socialization because it consists of a lot more stages. Thus, one should not penetrate any of these ones.

[agronom]

Прошу посмотреть мое эссе на предмет ошибок)

Тема - some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. others, however, believe that school os the place to learn this.
discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Nowadays the problem of children’s education commoves a lot of people. Some of them believe that the best education comes from the paternal home, from family in particular. Others, however, tend forward another point of view. They think children get better knowledge of how to behave in school. In this essay these two opinions will be considered in details.

To start with, there are a number of stages that we undertake in order to communicate courteously and appropriately in society. All those stages make up the process of socialization in question.

Let’s turn our attention to the first point of view. Family is what gives children the very first experience of communication and conversations that provides children with the basic social knowledge. This knowledge is the most important one as we build our model of behavior on the base of all those habits, skills and traditions that have become homelike to us. It also builds up the initial mentality of a child, the way of thinking. Nevertheless, it is not enough to deal with only this kind of raising because people usually do not receive enough skills from family to communicate successfully in their future life.

Like the other group of people say, school is important for learning the rules necessary for life. After leaving sweet home, children will have to take part in more challenging situations. They will have to find out how to make friends and communicate with other people so that they will not offend somebody. The school is another stage of socialization that prepares young members of society for the adolescence and maturity. Despite the role of school education, which is undisputably significant, it is impossible to do without the parents’ help. It is family that provides us with the very first notions of society and helps to get involved to various groups of people.

In conclusion I would like to say that both these stages are extremely important for the whole process of socialization because it consists of a lot more stages. Thus, one should not penetrate any of these ones.

почитайте хорошие ессей на предмет их структуры и выражений.
прочитайте внимательно задание ну и хотябы ваш первый абзац-интро-где между ними связь?
ну дальше проверять смысла нет.в общем почитайте что нибудь на эту тему.подучите слова

[Dremlin]

Прошу посмотреть мое эссе на предмет ошибок)

Тема - some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. others, however, believe that school os the place to learn this.
discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Nowadays the problem of children’s education commoves[непонятное слово. я бы заменил на concerns] a lot of people. Some of them believe that the best education comes from the paternal home, from family in particular. Others, however, tend forward[tend to think?] another point of view. They think [that] children get better knowledge of how to behave in [at] school. In this essay these two opinions will be considered in details.

To start with, there are a number of stages that we undertake in order to communicate courteously and appropriately in society. All those stages make up the process of socialization in question.

Let’s[too informal] turn our [нужно избегать личных местоимений] attention to the first point of view. Family is what gives children the very first experience of communication and conversations that provides children with the basic social knowledge [как на счет social and behavioral skills]. This knowledge is the most important one as we build our model of behavior on the base of all those habits, skills and traditions that have become homelike to us. It also builds up [избегайте фрэйзел вербс в формальном эссе] the initial mentality of a child, the way of thinking [это и есть mentality]. Nevertheless, it is not enough to deal with only this kind of raising because people usually do not receive enough skills from family to communicate successfully in their future life. [вы ведете обсуждение в двух параграфах]

Like the other group of people say, school is important for learning the rules necessary for life. After leaving sweet home, children will have to take part in more challenging situations. They will have to find out how to make friends and communicate with other people so that they will not offend somebody. The school is another stage of socialization that prepares young members of society for the adolescence and maturity. Despite the role of school education, which is undisputably significant, it is impossible to do without the parents’ help. It is family that provides us with the very first notions of society and helps to get involved to various groups of people. [Вот это по идее Вам нужно воткнуть в конклюжен]

In conclusion, I would like to say [I am inclined to believe] that both these stages are extremely important for the whole process of socialization because it consists of a lot more stages [1. звучит как будто вы детей на фабрике по производству детей воспитываете и обучаете. 2. Масло масленное, предложение не имеет никакого смысла]. Thus, one should not penetrate any of these ones [не понятно что хотели этим сказать? кто в кого не должен пенетрэйет.(interfere?)?].

1. Видно, потенциал у Вас очень хороший.
2. Со структурой эссе Вы капитально напортачили. Из-за этого конклюжен у Вас невнятный. Смотрите Вам нужно было написать в боди 1 параграф ЗА обучение детей родителями дома, и 2-ой -за их обучение в школе. А Вы в каждом боди параграфе дискутируете. Еще почитайте статьи про homeschooling.