My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[agronom]

Всем доброго времени суток. Недавно наткнулся на форуме (в ветке про написание эссе) на статьи относительно этого вопроса от IELTS Buddy и несколько пересмотрел мнение о том как надо его писать. Проверьте пожалуйста моё эссе и дайте примерную оценку. Не надеюсь конечно на 7ку, но интересно стал ли я писать эссе хоть чуточку лучше...
Заранее большое спасибо.

Some people think that it is better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. Others, however, believe that boys and girls benefit more from attending mixed schools.
Discuss both these views and five your own opinion.

While some people consider separate education for boys and girls as beneficial, others claim that all kids should visit mixed school, and this is more correct type of enlightenment. This essay will examine both side of the issue.

On the one hand, when boys and girls go to different educational institutions, they are supposed to be more successful in studying and achieve greater results. In other words, they won't be distracted by representatives of opposite sex and, therefore, pay more attention to learning. In addition, some parents may prefer this type of education because of some religious or ethical reasons. For example, such kind of schools were quite common in the past and helped to prevent possible intimate contacts between men and women before marriage.

On the other hand, youngsters during their school time have to obtain not only academic knowledge but also some social skills. Without any doubt, representatives of both genders should socialize, learn to respect each other and know how to collaborate because these skills will be vital in their further life. It is worth also mentioning that at present time more and more representatives of non-traditional sexual orientation are appearing throughout the world. So separation of children can lead to increase of non-traditional families' number and, eventually, to demographic crisis.

To sum up, I strongly believe that education in mixed schools is more advantageous for society because children will grow up more prepared to real life. I think that most of people agree with me because this type of education is widespread at present time.

мои 5 копеек.по ошибкам проходиться не буду.
во вторм боди параграфе про миксд школы не нужно возвращаться к сепарейт.вы о них уже написали в другом парагрофе.здесь правильней было бы что то типа close communication between males and females from the school age will significantly reduce this trend/ leads to reduce non-traditional.....
в заключении заменить widespread=more populare than.....чтоб подчеркнуть приоритет этого вида образования.
как то так

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella,

Very many thanks for your useful comments. I'll take it into account. I would like to apologise for any confusion caused.

with best regards

My suggestion as far as this particular essay is concerned is to do thorough proofreading and publish it here again. I promise to look at it closely and correct it.

[Kuka]

In some countries, criminal trials in law are telecasted on TV for public. Do you think advantages of this outweigh disadvantages?

After several years of courtroom camera experience and empirical interest in these shows the question of whether trials should be televised is raised again and again. At the heart of this debate is the confrontation of two points of view. On one hand, there are obvious benefits of this methodology, such as the restoration of public confidence in the courts and the deterrent crime value. On the other, negative influence on audience and invasion of witness privacy are equally compelling considerations. In this essay, I would like to outline some arguments in favour of each opinion and present my point of view regarding this issue.

Firstly, lets take a look at potential benefits. The televising of trials and other judicial proceedings serve to give a better understanding of judiciary system as well as possibly increasing the chance of a fairer trial. By allowing the showing of cases, a large audience could become aware of this process that may make jury and judges more responsible. Besides, potential criminals would acknowledge of the treatment they can receive if they commit crimes thus discouraging from doing it.

Alternatively, it is a well-known fact that media can sway public opinion that in turn can lead to negative results. Example of this includes cases where the life of innocent people has been ruined due to deliberately misleading information imposed upon by media. Public found them guilty regardless of the justified verdict of judges and the lack of evidence. Moreover, some media may portray much more distorted picture of a trial and convert a case into ‘’media zoo’. Eventually, far from creating fairer cases, TV coverage may be used to influence public opinion.

In summary, it is difficult to weigh up the pros and cons of this pressing issue. I believe that each person being put on a trial has a right to privacy and he/she has to decide whether this case should be aired or not.


With many thanks

[Maimiti_Isabella]

In some countries, criminal trials in law are telecasted on TV for public. Do you think advantages of this outweigh disadvantages?

After several years of courtroom camera experience and empirical interest in these shows the question of whether trials should be televised is raised again and again. At the heart of this debate is the confrontation of two points of view. On one hand, there are obvious benefits of this methodology, such as the restoration of public confidence in the courts and the deterrent crime value. On the other, negative influence on audience and invasion of witness privacy are equally compelling considerations. In this essay, I would like to outline some arguments in favour of each opinion and present my point of view regarding this issue.

Выделенное красным - долго думала, но так и не придумыла о чем идет речь. It reads as if you're using 'smart' words but there's absolutely no sense in what you're saying.

Overall, you'd probably get a 7 for this essay.

Body paragraphs do not correspond to the essay outline, as per your Introduction.

[Kuka]

Выделенное красным - долго думала, но так и не придумыла о чем идет речь. It reads as if you're using 'smart' words but there's absolutely no sense in what you're saying.

Overall, you'd probably get a 7 for this essay.

Body paragraphs do not correspond to the essay outline, as per your Introduction.

Many thanks. Now, i completely understand what areas of my English i need to improve. I have dropped the idea of taking IELTS for a while. I will continue learning the language,if you dont mind i would like to publish my essay again in a couple of months.

With kind regards

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Many thanks. Now, i completely understand what areas of my English i need to improve. I have dropped the idea of taking IELTS for a while. I will continue learning the language,if you dont mind i would like to publish my essay again in a couple of months.

With kind regards

I'm not quite sure what's going on here and what's your target score but I'd say take a 'trial' exam if you can afford this of course!

[GoldenJoe]

Today more people are travelling than ever before.

Why is this the case?

What are the benefits of travelling for the traveller?

.
Freedom of movement is one of the general human rights. Nowadays a quantity of travellers are at the peak because of evolution of transport and the travel people receive some advantages of voyaging.

Development of transport, especially air and railway, makes movement very easy and fast. First, modern jet airplanes allow to make fast displacement from long distance for large numbers of people. For example, Airbus A380 is a wide-body jet airliner provides seating for more than 500 passengers and has range of 15000 kilometers with speed of about 900 km/h. Second, in large number of counties railroad systems are constantly expanded and new trains are developed and produced. For example, in France there are thousands kilometers of railway lines with a large quantity of trains include modern fast trains with maximum speed more than 200 km/h.

A lot of people use these contemporary and fast types of transport for voyaging which provides some advantages for the tourists and business men. The tourists can visit foreign countries for looking different cultures and nature also they can just relax at summer, seaside resorts. For example, citizens of north countries like Norway or Sweden can spend holidays in south countries, swim in warm seas and get natural tan. Also people often travel for business to solve technical problems or make contracts with companies in another cities or countries and time on way is less than before. It reduces the expenses and increases the efficiency of business.

In conclusion, transport development is a main result of increasing numbers of people who travel for leisure and for business. Both of these groups use travel for satisfaction of needs, private and official.

[Kuka]

I'm not quite sure what's going on here and what's your target score but I'd say take a 'trial' exam if you can afford this of course!

Well, I was planning to take an exam in June, but it depends on how lucky i am feeling. When i first published my essay, i wrote it in forty minutes . It seems to me that i am not ready to achieve seven+ for the real exam.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Today more people are travelling than ever before.

Why is this the case?

What are the benefits of travelling for the traveller?

.
Freedom of movement is one of the general human rights. Nowadays a quantity of travellers are at the peak because of evolution of transport and the travel people receive some advantages of voyaging.

Sorry, I'm a bit busy right now but might have a look later tonight or tomorrow. In the meantime,have a look here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/learningenglish/grammar/learnit/learnitv129.shtml

[GoldenJoe]

Sorry, I'm a bit busy right now but might have a look later tonight or tomorrow. In the meantime,have a look here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/learningenglish/grammar/learnit/learnitv129.shtml

Ок ) людей штуками не считаем )
Надо на number заменить?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Ок ) людей штуками не считаем )
Надо на number заменить?

Yep. Have you also noticed that the word 'quantity' is used with a determiner, e.g. a large quantity?

are at the peak because of evolution of transport

Which noun this verb should be coordinated with?

Sorry. This makes no sense at all:

and the travel people receive some advantages of voyaging.

Development of transport, especially air and railway, --> ... and rail

fast displacement from long distance - ????

provides seating for more than 500 passengers - fragment (i.e. no subject)

has range of 15000 kilometers with speed of about 900 km/h - missing articles



A теперь самое главное - в чем цель вашего the first body paragraph? Я так понимаю, чтобы рассказать о развитии воздушного и наземного транспорта, так? А почему это важно вы так и не ответили! Т.е. на английском это называется: your ideas are underdeveloped. Надо добавить в конце еще одно предложение, чтобы связать транспорт с идеей travel.


And by the way, what is the answer to the following essay question: Why is this the case? In other words, what do you need to discuss? Do you think you've addressed this question in your 1st body paragraph?

[Sayram]

Hello all.
Check my essay, please.
Many thanks.

Many teachers assign homework to students every day. Do you think that daily homework is necessary for students? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

Nowadays we have a lot of different information in different areas of knowledge. And children from school to university must get more and more knowledge. But there isn’t enough time while studying in schools or in universities and teachers must give homework to their students. Can homework help students to absorb the information or can it not? I will discuss this in the following paragraphs.

On the one hand, homework can be very helpful. Firstly students can do it in a quiet environment. Secondly students can use additional information from books, magazines or from the Internet. Using additional information will help them understand information better than if they only used information from lectures. And finally there can be situation when a university teacher doesn't have complete information about a subject, and only homework can be of help to students to understand the subject better.

On the other hand, only students with willpower will do his or her homework well, because when we return home after a hard day at our work or in our institute, firstly we want to relax, and only strong persons can fight his or her laziness. This is very actual problem for primary school pupils, because they have a young body which is growing and a lot of energy is used to build this organism. I think these pupils should not have homework at all.

In conclusion, and in my humble opinion homework is a must have for all students, because with huge amounts of modern information our children cannot receive all of it only by lectures. But I think homework must be an addition to lectures and not be bigger than the amount of class work.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Hello all.
Check my essay, please.
Many thanks.

Many teachers assign homework to students every day. Do you think that daily homework is necessary for students? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

Nowadays we have a lot of different information in different areas of knowledge. And children from school to university must get more and more knowledge. But there isn’t enough time while studying in schools or in universities and teachers must give homework to their students. Can homework help students to absorb the information or can it not? I will discuss this in the following paragraphs.

On the one hand, homework can be very helpful. Firstly students can do it in a quiet environment. Secondly students can use additional information from books, magazines or from the Internet. Using additional information will help them understand information better than if they only used information from lectures. And finally there can be situation when a university teacher doesn't have complete information about a subject, and only homework can be of help to students to understand the subject better.

On the other hand, only students with willpower will do his or her homework well, because when we return home after a hard day at our work or in our institute, firstly we want to relax, and only strong persons can fight his or her laziness. This is very actual problem for primary school pupils, because they have a young body which is growing and a lot of energy is used to build this organism. I think these pupils should not have homework at all.

In conclusion, and in my humble opinion homework is a must have for all students, because with huge amounts of modern information our children cannot receive all of it only by lectures. But I think homework must be an addition to lectures and not be bigger than the amount of class work.

Читайте для начала: http://www.gday.ru/forum/ielts/203819-10-tips-how-fail-your-essay.html

С точки зрения английского языка - 6 (и не больше при таком уровне). Т.е. надо заниматься английским долго и упорно. Надо научиться выражать свои мысли на английском и по английски.

[Sayram]

Читайте для начала: http://www.gday.ru/forum/ielts/203819-10-tips-how-fail-your-essay.html

С точки зрения английского языка - 6 (и не больше при таком уровне). Т.е. надо заниматься английским долго и упорно. Надо научиться выражать свои мысли на английском и по английски.

Many thanks for your answer, it's very helpful for me.

[Sayram]

Could you check my other essay, please?


Some of people consider the bicycle is a good means of transport. Others say it has a lot of disadvantages. Discuss and give your opinion.


Nowadays, many people use bicycles as a form of their main transport. At the same time other people think that the bicycle is an uncomfortable form of transport. I will discuss both of these points of view in the following paragraphs.


On the one hand, it is difficult not to agree with this statement, because the bicycle is a really very helpful form of transport. Everyday a lot of people in many countries use bicycles to travel to their work, to study, or just for fitness. Furthermore modern industry produces different types of bicycles, such as for sport, for tourists, for children and others. Moreover, while using bicycles people do not pollute the atmosphere with exhaust fumes.


On the other hand, our planet has different climatic regions. Some areas there is warm weather most of the year, and in other areas warm weather can be for less time. So in the case of cold regions the bicycle is not as good for transport like it is in warm regions. For instance take a look at Moscow. In this city winter is for about five months, from November to March. This time is not good to use bicycles, because the roads are dirty and slippery, the temperature is low and car drivers do not respect cyclists.


To conclude, I think using a bicycle is a very individual choice, whereas some people will use it in all conditions, other people will only use it in good environments. For me for example, comfort is more important than the advantages of using a bicycle. May be, in the future, I will use bicycles to share my time with my children in parks, but for now I prefer my private car.