My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[NestyIvan]

я конечно не большой профи,но ваше ессе оставило двоякое впечатление. наряду с нормальными словами вы используете довольно простые(которые могут быть заменены легко)
First of all,................. Firstly,....
Я бы начал по другому. например To start with or On the one hand...
how media affects youngsters in a bad way = detrimental effect on youngsters or negatively/detrimentally affects.....
много раз повторяется effect/affect -influence, impact, pose the threat...
из примеров про героев получается что все герои фильмов и игр-отпетые преступники
.media helps in development of some individual skills = media provides uncountable opportunities to master individual skills
ну и есть ошибки по мелочи.

На счёт конструкции Firstly, Secondly, Finally - взял от Саймона.
detrimental - спасибо. И ведь валялось же в пассивной памяти это слово, точнее даже фраза "smoking is detrimental to one's health".
Influence\impact - если честно, искал синонимы нормальные под эти слова - как-то не особо успешно.

Спасибо за коментарии.

[agronom]

На счёт конструкции Firstly, Secondly, Finally - взял от Саймона.
detrimental - спасибо. И ведь валялось же в пассивной памяти это слово, точнее даже фраза "smoking is detrimental to one's health".
Influence\impact - если честно, искал синонимы нормальные под эти слова - как-то не особо успешно.

Спасибо за коментарии.

Да с Firstly, Secondly....все в порядке.просто в вашем ессе на одной строчке производное от слова first встречается 2 раза.это не ошибка конечно,но всеже нужно показать разнообразие.
имхо

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Being a celebrity - such as a famous film star or sports personality - brings problems as well as benefits.

Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

.
Fame provides not only advantages but also disadvantages and in my opinion the latter is greater one.

GoldenJoe, this is NOT how you write an Introduction! You haven't introduced the topic. What is the topic?

Further I have tried to support this claim.

You have you or you are going to?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

GoldenJoe likes this.

So, do you know what your problem is with the Introduction or do I need to 'teach' you?

[GoldenJoe]

So, do you know what your problem is with the Introduction or do I need to 'teach' you?

это было бы лучше всего )

Я руководствовался

Restate the topic, indicate your position

отсюда -- http://www.goodluckielts.com/2-4-3-IELTS_writing_general.html

Старался так и сделать - перефраз и своя позиция по вопросу.

You have you or you are going to?

Эт да ( сам себя перехитрил.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

это было бы лучше всего )
....

Начнем?

[agronom]

покритикуйте меня пожалуйста

Mass media is greatly contributing to the development of youth all over the world because of its easy accessibility. Some say that the influence of media on the day-to-day lives of these adolescents is more harmful than advantageous.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?


The increasing impact of mass media on the youngsters” daily lives has sparked a concern in society. While some people assert that the Internet, printed press and other media resources influence negatively a young generation, many others argue that there are plenty of benefits of these resources as well. This essay will put forward the notion that the benefits provided by modern mass media for teenagers overweigh drawbacks.

On the one hand, a huge volume of cruelty in the Internet, TV shows and newspapers leads to the unavoidable proliferation of violence among teens. Thus, the number of young criminals is increasing day by day. Another reason versus easy access to the media resources is a sedentary life style which cause a number of health problems. Such illnesses as heart disease, overweighting and high blood pressure are considered to be a result of a passive lifestyle. Therefore, the arguments of detrimental effect of mass media on teenagers are quite obvious.

On the other hand, numerous media resources provide uncountable opportunities to master individual skills for the young generation. Various educational programs, for instance National Geographic, offer special and general information in different spheres that helps youngsters to obtain a new knowledge. Hence, adolescents become more competitive on the job market. Next benefit is vast communication opportunities. The Internet, Skype and other similar providers are used broadly by teens to socialize with contemporaries all over the world. Consequently, they significantly improve their communication skills.

It can be concluded that, both sides of argument have strong support. However, after analysing the subject, it is obvious that the benefits of permanent using the mass media by youngsters overweigh the negative effects.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

agronom
где-то 7 или 7.5. В принципе очень неплохо написано, но вот что значит эта фраза - не понимаю: Аnother reason versus easy access to the media resources... Каким образом сюда вписывается versus, и что вы хотели этим сказать?

Некоторые другие ошибки и проблемы:

В английском языке интернет употребляется с предлогом on: on the Internet.

Such illnesses as heart disease, overweighting and high blood pressure --> Such conditions/medical conditions as heart disease, overweight (обратите внимание на форму слова - но для IELTS лучше: excessive weight and obesity) and high blood pressure

..which causeS a number of health problems


the arguments of detrimental effect of mass media on teenagers are quite obvious. - ? The arguments supporting / for

obtain a new knowledge --> obtain new knowledge

to socialize with contemporaries all over the world --> to socialize with their peers all over the world (contemporaries - I'm also their contemporary but somehow I'm pretty sure they don't want to socialise with me )

Next benefit is --> the next benefit

The Internet, Skype and other similar providers --> The Internet, Skype and other similar services (разве они 'providers'?)

the benefits of permanent using the mass media --?

and other media resources influence negatively a young generation --> лучше: and other media resources influence the young generation negatively


And now something for you to consider.

Your English is good enough to express your ideas in a clear and organised way. You don't really have any problems with coherence and cohesion. Your range of vocabulary is also pretty good.

BUT. The number of linking words and expressions is overpowering. Just count all yours 'thus', 'next', etc. There are too many of them for your level of English as demonstrated in this particular essay.

1. The linking words you use are rather basic.
Which one do you think sounds 'smarter': next or subsequently? Consequently or eventually (eventually = in the end)?

2. Also, how about 'moving' linking words and phrases? Some of them are great at travelling to different parts of the sentence!

Therefore, the arguments of detrimental effect of mass media on teenagers are quite obvious. --> The arguments of detrimental effect of mass media on teenagers are therefore quite obvious.

3. Also, which sentence sounds more mature from the point of view of the English language development?

• Hence, adolescents become more competitive on the job market.
• This makes adolescents more competitive on the job market.

[evstigneeff]

Добрый день.

Я готовлюсь к IELTS уже какое-то время, однако заниматься Writing начал только что (до этого решал тесты Listening и Reading, а также практиковал Speaking на работе). Очень большая просьба оценить примерно моё эссе (overall band score), исправить ошибки и посоветовать что можно улучшить. Заранее большое спасибо.


Being a celebrity - such as a famous film star or sports personality - brings problems as well as benefits.
Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?


Nowadays, in time of widespread media there are a huge amount of various celebrities like movie actors, singers or professional athletes. However, being a famous and well-known person can have both advantages and disadvantages not saying about dangers.

To begin with, many celebrities earn extremely large amount of money, that is millions and millions of US dollars. This allows them to live a full life with a lot of pleasures and entertainments as well as possibility to purchase just everything that they can imagine, namely gorgeous mansions, luxury cars, and even planes or yachts. Furthermore, a big army of personal fans admire them, so famous people are able to influence on these people in order to make this world a little bit better.

On the other hand, celebrities almost don't have a private life because many people and especially their fans want to know about them everything that is possible. This led to appearing such people like annoying paparazzi which purpose was to expose all private life of famous people and even very intimate things. Likewise, celebrities can easily be victims of robbery, burglary or even kidnapping because a big money always attracts bad guys, so they and their family rarely feel themselves in safe.

In conclusion, I want to say that there are pros and cons to be a famous and well-known person at present time, but there are more disadvantages than advantages, and I would prefer to belong to a middle class people. In this case I could afford all necessary things for adequate level of life and wouldn't be concerned about my safety as well as safety of my family members.

[agronom]

agronom
где-то 7 или 7.5. В принципе очень неплохо написано, но вот что значит эта фраза - не понимаю: Аnother reason versus easy access to the media resources... Каким образом сюда вписывается versus, и что вы хотели этим сказать?

Некоторые другие ошибки и проблемы:

В английском языке интернет употребляется с предлогом on: on the Internet.

Such illnesses as heart disease, overweighting and high blood pressure --> Such conditions/medical conditions as heart disease, overweight (обратите внимание на форму слова - но для IELTS лучше: excessive weight and obesity) and high blood pressure

..which causeS a number of health problems


the arguments of detrimental effect of mass media on teenagers are quite obvious. - ? The arguments supporting / for

obtain a new knowledge --> obtain new knowledge

to socialize with contemporaries all over the world --> to socialize with their peers all over the world (contemporaries - I'm also their contemporary but somehow I'm pretty sure they don't want to socialise with me )

Next benefit is --> the next benefit

The Internet, Skype and other similar providers --> The Internet, Skype and other similar services (разве они 'providers'?)

the benefits of permanent using the mass media --?

and other media resources influence negatively a young generation --> лучше: and other media resources influence a young generation negatively


And now something for you to consider.

Your English is good enough to express your ideas in a clear and organised way. You don't really have any problems with coherence and cohesion. Your range of vocabulary is also pretty good.

BUT. The number of linking words and expressions is overpowering. Just count all yours 'thus', 'next', etc. There are too many of them for your level of English as demonstrated in this particular essay.

1. The linking words you use are rather basic.
Which one do you think sounds 'smarter': next or subsequently? Consequently or eventually (eventually = in the end)?

2. Also, how about 'moving' linking words and phrases? Some of them are great at travelling to different parts of the sentence!

Therefore, the arguments of detrimental effect of mass media on teenagers are quite obvious. --> The arguments of detrimental effect of mass media on teenagers are therefore quite obvious.

3. Also, which sentence sounds more mature from the point of view of the English language development?

• Hence, adolescents become more competitive on the job market.
• This makes adolescents more competitive on the job market.

Maimiti_Isabella спасибо большое.
вы даже не представляете каким мотиватором для меня послужили ваши коменты.(кстати согласен со всеми замечаниями и принял их ко вниманию) я думал что будет опять что то типа ну 6-6.5 с натягом.а тут вот так.значит все таки не зря грызу гранит инглиша и сдвиги имеются.versus=against в смысле против. но наверное не в тему в данном контексте.
для меня по прежнему является проблемой спелинг.переписал уже наверное войну и мир-а сдвиги слабые.при письме просто частенько боюсь употреблять слова в которых сомневаюсь в спелинге. даже в этом ессе коректор поработал несколько раз. в лисиненге тоже самое. в притестах слышу как минимум 38-39 ответов,но из за спелинга 8-10 вылетают.обидно блин.
еще раз огромное спасибо за ваш труд и время

[Maimiti_Isabella]

для меня по прежнему является проблемой спелинг.переписал уже наверное войну и мир-а сдвиги слабые.при письме просто частенько боюсь употреблять слова в которых сомневаюсь в спелинге. даже в этом ессе коректор поработал несколько раз. в лисиненге тоже самое. в притестах слышу как минимум 38-39 ответов,но из за спелинга 8-10 вылетают.обидно блин.
еще раз огромное спасибо за ваш труд и время

У нас у всех есть 'любимые' слова с точки зрения spelling. Можно попробывать старым 'дедовским' способом: 100 раз написать это слово, чтобы в 'руке' отложилось. Можно 'нарисовать' картинку этого слова. Можно в голове 'проговаривать' это слово - даже на русский лад, если употребляете только на письме.

У меня такие 'любимые' слова - genuinely и definitely. Я их пишу 'от обратного', т.е. точно знаю, что писать надо не так, как рука хочет

[Maimiti_Isabella]

versus=against только в контексте Real Madrid vs. Manchester United (т.е. как бы противопоставление друг другу)
private vs. public transport
Kramer vs. Kramer

etc

[Maimiti_Isabella]

evstigneeff
I hope someone else will have a look. If no one volunteers, I'll do this tomorrow evening (our time). But I do hope somebody can do this before that!

[agronom]

versus=against только в контексте Real Madrid vs. Manchester United (т.е. как бы противопоставление друг другу)
private vs. public transport
Kramer vs. Kramer

etc

спасибо. я уже это осознал

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Добрый день.

Я готовлюсь к IELTS уже какое-то время, однако заниматься Writing начал только что (до этого решал тесты Listening и Reading, а также практиковал Speaking на работе). Очень большая просьба оценить примерно моё эссе (overall band score), исправить ошибки и посоветовать что можно улучшить. Заранее большое спасибо.


...

Overall impression - 6.0
There are many mistakes at all levels
The vocab range is not great
The Conclusion is off topic