Сообщение от illi4
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should rest however they want - вроде все правильно, но в не вписывается в тон эссе, т.е. недостаточно формально. Как насчет --> should be allowed to explore the world / should be allowed to enjoy their spare time
Although I agree that schoolwork is important, I am convinced that there must be more to life than only studying. - опять странное нагромождение. Уберите I agree. Еще уберите only.
Undoubtedly, children should be encouraged to learn since childhood is the best time to gain academic knowledge. - good sentence. BUT! why don't you 'move' Undoubtedly to the middle of the sentence? This will make your writing a lot more mature. Also, consider using it's the best time + for +~ing (again, this sounds a lot more sophisticated)
unsupervised young boys may even be involved in juvenile delinquency. - and what happens to 'unsupervised young girls'?
youth vs the youth/the youths
to spend some time on their hobbies - too simple: --> to allocate some time to .... / to engage in some hobbies etc
help them when necessary --> to offer help whenever necessary
Overall, the score would be (IMHO of course) - around 7 - 7.5 but there's a worrying tendency: you seem to be trying to 'overdo' on fillers. This actually has quite a negative impact on readability (coherence).
Общее замечание: недостаточный словарный запас для построения более сложных (= sophisticated) предложений. В результате, а) недостаточное nominalisation даже в тех случаях, где оно 'просится'. б) желание добавлять ничего незначащие слова и выражения, что только запутывает читателя.
Disclaimer: the comments above are relevant to this particular essay.
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