My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[agronom]

Уважаемые знатоки эссе. Не могли бы вы покритиковать данное "произведение"? Заранее благодарен

Some people say that advertisement encourages us to buy things that we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives. Which viewpoint do you agree with?

A part of our society believes, that promotions are causing to purchase undemandend goods. Their opponents say that promotions makes us aware about innovative products for improving our live styles. The purpose of this essay us to analyze both sides of this argument and then I will give my own perspective.

At the beginning I want to focus on promotion of un demanded products. Some researches show to us a fact, that many customers don’t know exactly, what they need in order to make their lives easier and better. Sometimes they buy something without any deep investigation on the product and later they discover that a brand new washing machine, for example, is too big for their household. An additional reason for believe in negative influence on customers, is visible or hidden aggression. Many people tending to buy something, what they are not really need only because of fact, that they are surrounded by advertisements, encouraging them to buy something

The next group I want to focus on, are the people, who say positive things about advertisements. First of all, today many people simply have no time to follow and investigate all new technology developments. By looking and listening to advertisements people become aware of new products and services, which are supposed to make owner’s life better. More than what, many people say that advertisements are very good information source and you have nothing to do to get to it. Instead the source comes wright to you.

In conclusion I want to bring my own opinion. I, personally believe, what although both sides have their merits, the purpose of every advertisement is to encourage you to buy the product, which is promoted and not to save your time. The correct purchase procedure should be your decision only and without investigation of your needs, you may find yourself asking question: “what should I do now with this thing”

грамматических и лексических ошибок хватает. но структура в общем то ничего чувствуется слабый вакубуляр по теме. вам сколько надо? до 6 думаю недалеко осталось

[Noded]

7 , 6,5 я уже брал 2 раза

[agronom]

7 , 6,5 я уже брал 2 раза

значит это не лучшее ваше ессей
хотя как я уже писал по структуре не плохо и это дает существенный бал.
да-и разберитесь с пунктуацией. запятые где ненадо стоят

[agronom]

A part of our society believes that promotions are causing(persuading)customers to purchase undemandend goods. Their opponents say that promotions(constant advertising of various goods) make(s) us aware about innovative products for(which can significantly) improving our live styles(lifestyle). The purpose of this essay us(is) to analyze both sides of this argument before(and then I will give) my own perspective is given.

немного подправил интро

[Noded]

спасибо

[illi4]

Имхо, на 7 никак не тянет.
Подтягивайте грамматику, и почитайте материалы о том, как надо писать эссе.

Уважаемые знатоки эссе. Не могли бы вы покритиковать данное "произведение"? Заранее благодарен

Some people say that advertisement encourages us to buy things that we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives. Which viewpoint do you agree with?

A part of our society believes, that promotions [на работе? ] are causing [forcing people purchase] to purchase undemandend [unnecessary] goods. Their [?] opponents say that promotions makes us aware about innovative products for improving our live styles [quality of life]. The purpose of this essay us to analyze both sides of this argument [?] and then I will give my own perspective [and to give my own perspective].

At the beginning [?] I want to focus on the promotion of un demanded [unnecessary] products (почитайте, как надо писать thesis sentence!). Some researches show to us a fact, that [Some researchers have demonstrated that] many customers don’t [do not] know exactly what they need in order to make their lives easier and better [какую идею иллюстрирует это предложение? о каких исследованиях речь?]. Sometimes they [researchers?] buy something without any deep investigation on the product [] and later they discover that a brand new washing machine, for example, is too big for their household [house / flat] (опять-таки, какую идею иллюстрирует это предложение?). An additional reason for believing in negative influence [of what?] on customers, is visible or hidden aggression [????]. Many people tending to buy something, what they are not really need only because of fact, that they are surrounded by advertisements, encouraging them to buy something [?????]

Дальше проверять надоело, сорри.

[HappyHippo]

Привет, ребята! Кому не лень, покритикуйте Сразу скажу, что конклужен короткий, если есть мысли, чем его можно дополнить, буду рада

Many old buildings protected by law are part of a nation’s history. Some people think they should be knocked down and replaced by news ones.
How important is it to maintain old buildings?

Should history stand in the way of progress?

While the governments endeavor to preserve historical buildings, the opponents of this approach suggest to replace them with new ones equipped with modern technology and suited to our new lifestyle. This essay will discuss the significance of old buildings and put forward an idea that history and architecture may develop and flourish without destroying the cultural heritage left by our ancestors.

It`s essential for modern societies to maintain historical buildings in order to keep them in a decent condition for several reasons. First of all, old buildings demonstrates our ancestors` spectacular skills and mastership. Studying the previous construction and designing methods allows modern constructors to combine new technology with the experience of past generations in order to accomplish better quality and insulation in modern buildings. Moreover, some historic houses reflect the architecture of the past centuries and have a significant artistic value. These buildings not only represent the history of a particular country, but also decorate the appearance of modern cities and attract tourists from other parts of the globe.

There is no doubt that history should not stand on the same stage, and progress and development are vital in modern countries. However, due to the modernization thousands of old buildings are destroyed and substituted for modern ones. The main reason for eliminating our cultural heritage is the development of contemporary accommodations and offices. I believe that historical buildings should not be sacrificed in favor of modernization, on the contrary, they should be renovated in accordance with modern technological requirements. If these measures are taken, the combination of amenities with the historical and cultural value of historic buildings would be in use for modern purposes and would not delay the development of country.

In conclusion, it is essential to preserve historical buildings for the next generations as a part of cultural heritage. The progress in construction and modernization may be achieved by integrating contemporary facilities into old buildings.

[illi4]

Привет, ребята! Кому не лень, покритикуйте Сразу скажу, что конклужен короткий, если есть мысли, чем его можно дополнить, буду рада

А задание какое?

[HappyHippo]

Ой, блин Щас добавлю
Готово!

[illi4]

Ниже имхо. Как мне кажется, написано гораздо лучше, чем эссе раньше.

Привет, ребята! Кому не лень, покритикуйте Сразу скажу, что конклужен короткий, если есть мысли, чем его можно дополнить, буду рада

Many old buildings protected by law are part of a nation’s history. Some people think they should be knocked down and replaced by news ones.
How important is it to maintain old buildings?
Should history stand in the way of progress?

While the governments endeavor to preserve historical buildings, the opponents of this approach suggest to replace them [?] with new ones equipped with modern technology and suited to our [вроде we, our лучше в эссе не писать] new [modern] lifestyle. This essay will discuss the significance of old buildings and will put forward the idea that history and architecture may develop and flourish [how can history develop and flourish? ] without destroying the cultural heritage left by our ancestors.

It is essential for modern societies to maintain historical buildings in order to keep them in a decent condition for several reasons. First of all, old buildings demonstrate our ancestors` spectacular skills and mastership [spectacular skills and mastership of our predecessors]. Studying the previous [мб vintage, classic] constructions and designing methods allows modern constructors [architects] combine new [advanced] technology with the experience of past generations in order to accomplish better quality and insulation in modern buildings [не звучит... мб achieve better quality of modern buldings, а про insulation отдельное предложение]. Moreover, some historic houses reflect the architecture of the past centuries and have a significant artistic value. Not only do these buildings represent the history of a particular country [nation / community], but also decorate the appearance of modern cities and attract tourists from the other parts of the globe.

There is no doubt that history should not stand on the same stage, and progress and development are vital in modern countries [не понял предложение]. However, thousands of old buildings are destroyed and substituted for modern ones because of modernization. [Я потерял нить ответа на второй вопрос задания , дальше не смотрю] The main reason for eliminating our cultural heritage is the development of contemporary accommodations and offices. I believe that historical buildings should not be sacrificed in favor of modernization, on the contrary, they should be renovated in accordance with modern technological requirements. If these measures are taken, the combination of amenities with the historical and cultural value of historic buildings would be in use for modern purposes and would not delay the development of country.

In conclusion, it is essential to preserve historical buildings for the next generations as a part of cultural heritage. The progress in construction and modernization may be achieved by integrating contemporary facilities into old buildings.

[HappyHippo]

Спасибо, illi4, за то что уделили внимание моему эссе. Если можно, давайте разберем поподробнее

the opponents of this approach suggest to replace them [?] with new ones equipped with modern technology and suited to our [вроде we, our лучше в эссе не писать] new [modern] lifestyle.
про them не поняла
про we поняла, но если можно писать I, то почему we нельзя?
new использовала, тк много раз употребляла modern and conteprorary, и в данном предложении уже есть modern technology

It is essential - нут совсем не поняла, что не так?

old buildings demonstrate, constructors combine - тоже не совсем понятно

spectacular skills and mastership of our predecessors, vintage, classic, advanced technology -согласна на все 100, так звучит лучше

про insulation - можно вообще убрать

Not only do these buildings represent the history - супер, но мне еще учиться и учиться до этого

по 2 пара, я сама в шоке от вопроса , я не особо понимаю, что я должна отвечать, поэтому прогуглила и воспользовалась вот эти советом:
2) Should history stand in the way of progress?
In this part, you need to give your opinion on whether you think history is so important it should take priority over a country's progress. отсюда -http://www.ieltsbuddy.com/old-buildings.html
Наверное тезис сентэнс у меня сформулирован неправильно, отсюда и потеря нити
UPD: how can history develop and flourish? - я и сама не знаю, меня смутил вопрос задания Should history stand in the way of progress

[GoldenJoe]

the opponents of this approach suggest to replace them [?] with new ones equipped with modern technology and suited to our [вроде we, our лучше в эссе не писать] new [modern] lifestyle.
про them не поняла

them - это про оппонентов или про здания? them - Definition from Longman English Dictionary Online

про modern - Modern Synonyms, Modern Antonyms | Thesaurus.com

про our - лучше, имхо, людей/граждан/и т.п.

It is essential - нут совсем не поняла, что не так?

сокращения типа It's только в informal letter допустимы, насколько я понял. В эссе лучше полностью писать

я и сама не знаю, меня смутил вопрос задания Should history stand in the way of progress

По-моему, тут спрашивают что-то вроде этого - что важнее: история или прогресс? жизнь в прошлом или движение вперед

[Luidmila]

Посмотрите пожалуйста мое эссе. Оцените и ошибочки исправьте.

In many countries of the world shopping is not just a way of buying goods. It's now becoming an entertainment.
Why do you think this is it?
Is it a positive or negative development?
Nowadays one of the commonly debated issues in our society is shopping. It is obvious that shopping has become an entertainment. Many people claim that this tendency has only beneficial effects on our life. I strongly agree with this statement and in my essay I would like to consider why I possess this opinion.
First of all, many shopping malls try to attract people’s attention to their products and do everything to make customers spend a lot of time there. So, they create some appropriate conditions for these people organizing different entertainment facilities. For instance, in many shopping malls there are the special playgrounds where you can leave your child with a babysitter during your shopping. Many people find this really convenient for them and try to go to the shopping center where customers are provided with this type of service.
Secondly, many people go to the shopping center simply to relax after a busy day or week. In modern shopping malls, there is a wide range of restaurants, cafes and cinemas where you can meet your friends, watch interesting films and even go ice skating, as many shopping malls have a special place for it. In addition there are many activities for children. They may participate in different competitions while their parents make purchases. So the majority of people try to spend their free time in these shopping malls
In conclusion, I would like to notice that shopping centers have become an integral part of our life. And many people really like relaxing there with their friends and children. And from my point of view, modern shopping centers are the best option for a pleasant pastime.

[HappyHippo]

По-моему, тут спрашивают что-то вроде этого - что важнее: история или прогресс? жизнь в прошлом или движение вперед

GoldenJoe, спасибо за ваши комменты. Теперь все более менее понятно с ошибками.
А по поводу вопроса, мне кажется я на него так и ответила, что общество должно прогрессировать, но при этом, прошлые постройки можно модернизировать с помощью новых технологий. Или нет у меня ответа на вопрос?

[illi4]

GoldenJoe, спасибо за ваши комменты. Теперь все более менее понятно с ошибками.
А по поводу вопроса, мне кажется я на него так и ответила, что общество должно прогрессировать, но при этом, прошлые постройки можно модернизировать с помощью новых технологий. Или нет у меня ответа на вопрос?

Там каша в параграфе и непонятно, что ты хотела сказать. Надо было так и конструировать:
В то же время, исторические постройки не должны мешать естественному прогрессу. Такие здания могут быть усовершенствованы при помощи современных технологий, при этом их внешний вид будет сохранен. Усовершенствованные же здания можно приспособить для современных целей. Например, в некоторых открылись современные и фешенебельные рестораны, что вносит вклад в экономику и удовлетворяет нужды людей.