My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Ветерок]

Many high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 per cent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women.

To what extent do you agree?

Nowadays we often come across such an interesting trend that most large enterprises are managed by males. Some people believe this situation should be changed and women have to occupy more managerial positions. I totally disagree with this opinion and will prove my position by analising (analyzing) the capability of dealing with stress and staying away from making decisions ruled by emotions. - чью способность (мужчин/женщин/автора)?

The main reason why I support the position of keeping the females away from leadership in the companies is (здесь что то должно быть-нет связи) their not sufficient ability to handle pressure. The managers of global corporations are responsible for differnt issues related to overall success of the enterprise. Indeed (запятая) coming up with wrong solutions caused by getting tired or regular complicated negotiations can damage the company and put all employees under risk. As well as this (запятая) frequent business trips and unlimited (? unsocial) working hours can make the lady (почему только одну?) exhausted. Males are more used to tough disposition (не понял) and therefore have more chances of making the business prosper (profitable?).

Another point which can justify this point of view (poin&point) is (the) danger of commiting (не уместно) mistakes by making emotional judgements. Females are more inclined (willing?) to be influenced by feelings whereas men are using (почему континиус?) logic while making decisions which is more effective and beneficial for being in charge of the enterprise (company, business?).

In conclusion (comma) I completely (fully) disagree that companies should give more supervising positions to female associates (чьим коллегам? используем employees). It is quite evident that excessive sensibility (comma) low resistance to stress and fatigue can happen to be might be enormous (crucial, substantial) disadvantages in running business. It is strongly recommended that companies should hire managerial staff who has features that can make the business profitable.

.

[Ветерок]

По структуре.
1. Неудачно сконструировано вступление
2. Во втором абзаце отсутствует связь между предложениями
3. Третий абзац можно вычеркнуть. Пойнт подкреплен только одним предложением.
4. Если так бы выпало, что это эссе было проверено женщиной, отметка была бы крайне низка (даже не знаю какая). Представьте себе ситуацию, когда она читает эссе, где черным по белому написано, что она не может себя контролировать, из-за нее бизнес рухнет и ей нет места в этом мире.

[MariaAn]

ОФФ

Если так бы выпало, что это эссе было проверено женщиной, отметка была бы крайне низка (даже не знаю какая). Представьте себе ситуацию, когда она читает эссе, где черным по белому написано, что она не может себя контролировать, из-за нее бизнес рухнет и ей нет места в этом мире.

А если еще принять тот новый факт, что теперь будут фрилансеры такой работой заниматься(насколько я правильно поняла статью от Маймити Изабелла ), то боюсь первое время оценки действительно пойдут "вниз". Хотя, по офиц.правилам экзаменаторы же не должны учитывать личное мнение на написанное

[Maimiti_Isabella]

ОФФ
А если еще принять тот новый факт, что теперь будут фрилансеры такой работой заниматься(насколько я правильно поняла статью от Маймити Изабелла ), то боюсь первое время оценки действительно пойдут "вниз". Хотя, по офиц.правилам экзаменаторы же не должны учитывать личное мнение на написанное

Любое мнение должно быть логично и подкреплено evidence, т.е. topic sentence + explanation / evidence + examples (the last two can be merged).
Все остальное, в том числе и пол экзаменатора, не имеет отношения к оценке.
Будет страдать TA/TR, and also (possibly) coherence.

(комментируемое эссе не читала и читать не буду)

[Maimiti_Isabella]

ОФФ
А если еще принять тот новый факт, что теперь будут фрилансеры

Об'ясните, что имеется в виду под 'фрилансеры ' в русском языке? Видимо, значение русского фрилансер и англисйкодо freelancer не совпадают....

[MariaAn]

Maimiti_Isabella, это разговорный мой перевод(фактически), люди по контрактной основе на один проект. В России таких официальных работ мало, поэтому такие мелкие работы делают фрилансеры(сидят дома и на своем компе делают проекты, через почту получают задания).

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, это разговорный мой перевод(фактически), люди по контрактной основе на один проект. В России таких официальных работ мало, поэтому такие мелкие работы делают фрилансеры(сидят дома и на своем компе делают проекты, через почту получают задания).

А! Ну тогда действительно разные понятия в русском и английском. Но в любом случае, даже по русски о фрилансерах для IELTS речь не идет.

[James_B]

Друзья, прочтите пожалуйста вот это (без разбора и проверки) и просто скажите сколько баллов. Это свежак, за это преподаватель дал 7,0. Если это не приближается к 7 по вашему мнению, тогда буду менять преподавателя снова.

The Internet has transformed the way information is shared and consumed, but it has also created problems that did not exist before. What are the most serious problems associated with the Internet and what solutions can you suggest?

Nowadays there is an opinion that not only has the Internet revolutionazed people's access to information, but it also created a lot of problems which individuals have never dealt with before. This essay will discuss the most significant issues brought by the World Wide Web and put forward some ideas for actions which can be implemented to resolve them.

Hi. There's my overview of your essay.

1) You've misspelled the word 'revolutionize'.
2) Maybe I'm wrong, but aren't we supposed to use rather formal English?

There might be a large number of disadvantages of the excessive use of the Internet, but I would point out becoming addicted and inappropriate content as the most crucial.

This sentence is toooo long and illogical. If there's only a small possibility for 'a large number of disadvantages' to exist, then how do you come to the firm conclusion that 'becoming addicted and inappropriate content' are most crucial among them?
'Among the certain disadvantages of the technology in question some can be pointed out as the most crucial.' would be more appropriate in my opinion.

As the Internet offers its users a wide range of services promoting on-line communication, a lot of people become victims of this virtual world.

'Victim' is too strong a word. They aren't being killed there, are they? Why would anyone become a 'victim' isn't clear. There's an ambiguity in this sentence as to whether people become such 'victims' because of the many services, or whether it happens at the same time as those services are being offered.
I'd write like this, 'While filled with a wide range of different online services the Web is far from being harmless.'

They begin to spend a great deal of time in front of their monitors, forget about their real friends and loved ones and end up becoming addicts.

Why would they end up as addicts? What's so addictive in spending time surfing the Web?

'People who spend a great deal of time surfing the Internet seem to care less about their real-life friendships or loved ones. It is said that the excessive use of the Web may lead to some psychological disorders. Certain web technologies are to blame.'

Besides this, as a large amount of information uploaded by users cannot be checked carefully, children might be exposed to the negative influence of watching the sexual content of the Internet. Due to the fact that a lot of minors use the Internet for educational purposes, parents find this problem one of the most substantial ones.

'Since it's impossible to control the data being uploaded by the Internet users some content could be found inappropriate for viewers of certain age.'

However, these issues are not as unsolvable as they might seem at first glance.

'However hard these problems seem to be, they are certainly far from being unsolvable.'

Firstly, people's awareness regarding the negative impact of the Internet on their daily lives should be increased.

I'd use 'First'.

Famous politicians and celebrities could take part in advertising campaigns promoting the use of the World Wide Web for work purposes only.

It sounds too unnatural, why would anyone does this?

[Ветерок]

Hi. There's my overview of your essay.

1) You've misspelled the word 'revolutionize'.
2) Maybe I'm wrong, but aren't we supposed to use rather formal English?




This sentence is toooo long and illogical. If there's only a small possibility for 'a large number of disadvantages' to exist, then how do you come to the firm conclusion that 'becoming addicted and inappropriate content' are most crucial among them?
'Among the certain disadvantages of the technology in question some can be pointed out as the most crucial.' would be more appropriate in my opinion.



'Victim' is too strong a word. They aren't being killed there, are they? Why would anyone become a 'victim' isn't clear. There's an ambiguity in this sentence as to whether people become such 'victims' because of the many services, or whether it happens at the same time as those services are being offered.
I'd write like this, 'While filled with a wide range of different online services the Web is far from being harmless.'



Why would they end up as addicts? What's so addictive in spending time surfing the Web?

'People who spend a great deal of time surfing the Internet seem to care less about their real-life friendships or loved ones. It is said that the excessive use of the Web may lead to some psychological disorders. Certain web technologies are to blame.'



'Since it's impossible to control the data being uploaded by the Internet users some content could be found inappropriate for viewers of certain age.'



'However hard these problems seem to be, they are certainly far from being unsolvable.'



I'd use 'First'.



It sounds too unnatural, why would anyone does this?

Thanks a lot for your time you've dedicated to me, I very much appreciate it. If I was in your shoes (with your skills and background) I would get at least 8,5, I suppose. But unfortunately, I've studied English neither in school nor at university (a bit of German in a secondary school).

What's more disappointing is that I've spend almost a year on practising my writing with at least three tutors and none of them taught me how to write in English. The only thing they actually did was saying "it's OK I can understand you and it's better to use here....".

Could you please give me a piece of advise on how to improve my writing (to learn how to write actually)? What should I start with? I do understand that my writing is unlikely to be as impressive, logical and perfect as yours, but I don't need 8, 8,5 or 9 (I hope so, unless they change something). I would be the happiest man If I could turn my 6.5 into 7.0

And one more question, imagine that you're an IELTS examiner, how many points would you give me for my original essay? Thanks a lot in advance.

[come_on!]

Thanks a lot for your time you've dedicated to me, I very much appreciate it. If I was in your shoes (with your skills and background) I would get at least 8,5, I suppose. But unfortunately, I've studied English neither in school nor at university (a bit of German in a secondary school).

What's more disappointing is that I've spend almost a year on practising my writing with at least three tutors and none of them taught me how to write in English. The only thing they actually did was saying "it's OK I can understand you and it's better to use here....".

Could you please give me a piece of advise on how to improve my writing (to learn how to write actually)? What should I start with? I do understand that my writing is unlikely to be as impressive, logical and perfect as yours, but I don't need 8, 8,5 or 9 (I hope so, unless they change something). I would be the happiest man If I could turn my 6.5 into 7.0

And one more question, imagine that you're an IELTS examiner, how many points would you give me for my original essay? Thanks a lot in advance.

Нормальный у вас английский, не прибедняйтесь.
По-моему, это эссе на твердую 7 тянет. Если у вас уже несколько раз было 6,5 за врайтинг, в качестве вариантов предложу следующее:

1) Всегда и все эссе пишите и проверяйте за 35 минут без словаря. Я с первых эссе так делал. Преподы, сайты и местные старожилы советуют обратное, но тайм-менеджмент на экзамене, по-моему, на порядок важнее потенциальных способностей к красивому слогу.

2) Сосредоточьтесь на письме/графиках - это треть оценки, как-никак. Может, там у вас завал на самом деле

3) Будьте проще. Некоторые предложения очень сложны и странны, как вам указал предыдущий комментатор.

4) Подавайте апелляцию

[James_B]

I'm not as fluent as you could imagine, just another ESL student, but thanks.

What we all need is a good reading program. It's impossible to write a good essay with no strong reading background. Try to read as much as you can every day.

Kindle would be a very helpful tool.

Have you tried edX Writing Courses?
Here they are

edx.org/course/how-write-essay-uc-berkeleyx-colwri2-1x
edx.org/course/english-grammar-essay-writing-uc-berkeleyx-colwri2-2x
edx.org/course/academic-business-writing-uc-berkeleyx-colwri2-3x-0

Then there are Book Clubs

edx.org/course/adventures-huckleberry-finn-twain-uc-berkeleyx-colwri3-2x
edx.org/course/pride-prejudice-austen-berkeleyx-book-uc-berkeleyx-colwri3-9-x
edx.org/course/picture-dorian-gray-wilde-berkeleyx-book-uc-berkeleyx-colwri3-4x

If you need a real challenge in the essay writing enroll in this MOOC

coursera.org/course/fantasysf

That course is as tough a writing adventure as you may need. Highly recommended.

Browse more courses on both Coursera and edX, choose some that you like more and give it a try. Math, Astronomy, Chemistry, whatever you like. Write in forums, participate in discussions etc.

Some more MOOCs you may be interested in:

IELTS Academic Test Preparation
.edx.org/course/ielts-academic-test-preparation-uqx-ieltsx

I have no idea how essays in the IELTS are marked, but based on my experience in peer assessment I'd say it's 2 out of 3.

[Jason Bourne]

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don’t.

Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion

The highly controversial issue today is related to professional sports. Many people feel that athelets can make a good example for the young men, while others believe it is not so useful. This essay discusses both sides of the argument and then I will give my own opinion on the matter.

The first notion supports the idea that it is quite advantageous for the youths to be motivated by sport stars. It is quite obvious that athlets are strong and attractive. In addition, professional sportsmen earn huge salaries, which is a key to well-being. To illustrate, recently a well-known football player had signed a contract worth one hundred million dollars. As well as this, being engaged in sports, the teenagers are less likely to drink, smoke and do drugs. They will spend their time in the gym, rather than looking for trouble.

On the other hand, it is also possible to make the opposite case. Professional sport can prove very dangerous because of high physical load and overtraining. As a result, many athlets have serious problems with health after having retired. Moreover, when people are involved in sport, they often sacrifice their education and have no time to develop other useful skills. A particularly good example here is my friend, professional football player, who had to leave soccer because of injury and stays unemployed for two years due to lack of experience and education.

In conclusion, I believe both sides of the argument have their merits. On balance, however it seems that young men should be motivated by brilliant sportsmen. This is because they will be physically fit and have more chances for success if they go in for sports.

[Ветерок]

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don’t.

Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion

The highly controversial issue today is related to professional sports. Many people feel that athelets can make a good example for the young men, while others believe it is not so useful. This essay discusses both sides of the argument and then I will give my own opinion on the matter.

The first notion supports the idea that it is quite advantageous for the youths to be motivated by sport stars. It is quite obvious that athlets are strong and attractive. In addition, professional sportsmen earn huge salaries, which is a key to well-being. To illustrate, recently a well-known football player had signed a contract worth one hundred million dollars. As well as this, being engaged in sports, the teenagers are less likely to drink, smoke and do drugs. They will spend their time in the gym, rather than looking for trouble.

On the other hand, it is also possible to make the opposite case. Professional sport can prove very dangerous because of high physical load and overtraining. As a result, many athlets have serious problems with health after having retired. Moreover, when people are involved in sport, they often sacrifice their education and have no time to develop other useful skills. A particularly good example here is my friend, professional football player, who had to leave soccer because of injury and stays unemployed for two years due to lack of experience and education.

In conclusion, I believe both sides of the argument have their merits. On balance, however it seems that young men should be motivated by brilliant sportsmen. This is because they will be physically fit and have more chances for success if they go in for sports.

Артикли это бич.
Плохой переход ко второму параграфу после первого.
Футболист не только football player но и footballer (это к вокабуляру).
Стоит задача обсудить идею что профессиональные атлеты - отличные образцы для подражания (да или нет) и высказать свое мнение. Во втором и третьем параграфе идет описание плюсов и минусов бытья профессиональным спортсменом, не ясно как это влияет на молодых людей. Там же отсутствует логическая связь предложений внутри параграфов. Сначала речь идет о контракте в 100 м баксов и футболисте, затем переключение на детей.
Ну и еще по мелочи всякие ошибки.

[Jason Bourne]

Артикли это бич.
Плохой переход ко второму параграфу после первого.
Футболист не только football player но и footballer (это к вокабуляру).
Стоит задача обсудить идею что профессиональные атлеты - отличные образцы для подражания (да или нет) и высказать свое мнение. Во втором и третьем параграфе идет описание плюсов и минусов бытья профессиональным спортсменом, не ясно как это влияет на молодых людей. Там же отсутствует логическая связь предложений внутри параграфов. Сначала речь идет о контракте в 100 м баксов и футболисте, затем переключение на детей.
Ну и еще по мелочи всякие ошибки.

Спасибо, сейчас перечитываю, самому не нравится. Понимаю, что от темы отклонился. Видимо, нужно тренироваться писать не на время, а то тороплюсь и TR страдает.
Артикли - буду возвращаться к азам, штудировать грамматику. Жаль, времени немного. 24 октября сдавать. Нужна хорошая оценка по письму

[Ветерок]

Спасибо, сейчас перечитываю, самому не нравится. Понимаю, что от темы отклонился. Видимо, нужно тренироваться писать не на время, а то тороплюсь и TR страдает.
Артикли - буду возвращаться к азам, штудировать грамматику. Жаль, времени немного. 24 октября сдавать. Нужна хорошая оценка по письму

Если деньга уже уплачена и 24 идти сдавать, то я бы скачал с десяток эссе которые гарантированно выше 7 и до 8 и просто заучить их наизусть как стишок. Как показывает практика, темы на экзамене повторяются и есть шанс что вам попадется эссе которое вы заучили (шанс ничтожен, но он есть). К примеру на втором моем заходе мне попалось эссе (слово в слово) которое я скачивал ранее из интернета, неоднократно прочитывал и разбирал. Но мгновенно появившееся ощущение что 7 у меня в кармане и эйфория не позволили извлечь выгоду.