My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[illi4]

Здравствуйте!

30 мая я сдаю Academic Writing. Подготовка к нему перешла в интенсивную стадию)
Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, мое эссе. Спасибо!


In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Increasing consumption of fast food in certain countries is causing serious health damage to their citizens [what's wrong with tourists?]. Some people believe that governments should act more radically [more than what or when?] to solve this problem. [раз] This essay will put forward the notion that tax on fast food should be significantly increased [in order to ... - иначе очень резкий переход]. Initially [?], this position will be proven by an analysis of impact such decision [decision to eat unhealthy food or to increase the tax?] may have on the level of sales of fast food products [fast food products are not fast food]. A discussion of the use of additional funds raised by tax authorities as a result of increase in the tax will also support the position stated above.

Firstly, imposing higher tax on unhealthy food would make it more expensive and, thus, less appealing to consumers [лучше так - первая причина, почему налог на еду должен быть увеличен (сразу видна связь с ключевым предложением из первого параграфа), состоит в том, что ...]. For instance, many fast food restaurant chains, such as McDonald’s, tend to attract their customers by offering their products for relatively cheap prices [только что было less appealing, а теперь в иллюстрирующем примере attract customers]. Therefore [therefore (т.е, следовательно) относится к тому, что в Маке дешевые цены, или к тому, что less attractive? ], significant increase in the rate of tax on fast food products and corresponding rise in their prices might alienate some part of these chains’ clients. This will reduce negative impact unhealthy food has on people’s health [а логически получается, что отсутствие клиентов не уменьшит негативный эффект от такой еды, т.к. люди не будут есть её вообще].

Secondly, additional money raised from the higher tax could be invested in healthcare system to combat the health issues resulting from the consumption of unhealthy food. For example [это example чего? предыдущее предложение о налоговых сборах, и пример должен быть соответствующий], many people that [грамматика и лексика - отдельная песня, но для 8ки путать who с that ну непростительно] eat fast food regularly are suffering from health diseases [many? really?]. Governments may use funds raised from increase in the tax on fast food to tackle such health problems [how? unfinished thought]. Thus, it is clear that there are clearbenefits of more severe tax regime for unhealthy food [what is the value of this sentence and what benefits are you talking about? you named only one potential in this paragrath].

In conclusion, I completely agree that governments should increase the tax on fast food. This is due to the fact that this would deter people from buying this kind of food and will make additional funds available for governments to invest in tackling the health problems resulting from increased consumption of unhealthy food [выдохнули]. It is recommended that governments impose this tax on a reasonably high level [what is considered reasonable?] to make these effects [which effects?] noticeable.

[Arteum]

To illi4 Спасибо! По новому взглянул на свое эссе)

Хотя я так и не понял что не так с Initially в предложении “Initially [?], this position will be..” ?
В Вашем шаблоне стоит First вместо Initially. В Collins Thesaurus of the English Language “First” указан как синоним “Initially”.

[illi4]

To illi4 Спасибо! По новому взглянул на свое эссе)

Хотя я так и не понял что не так с Initially в предложении “Initially [?], this position will be..” ?
В Вашем шаблоне стоит First вместо Initially. В Collins Thesaurus of the English Language “First” указан как синоним “Initially”.

Может, я не прав, но мне кажется, что использовать конкретно в этом случае initially - это как начать с "to begin with". Синоним, но для академического эссе не совсем уместный. Впрочем, firstly и secondly многие считают заезженными клише.

[Arteum]

Может, я не прав, но мне кажется, что использовать конкретно в этом случае initially - это как начать с "to begin with". Синоним, но для академического эссе не совсем уместный. Впрочем, firstly и secondly многие считают заезженными клише.

Ок. Спасибо за информацию!

[Vanderley]

Возможно я не прав. Но у меня initially ассоциируется с русским изначально. После него ожидается но. Типа, initially I was gonna do the homework, but then suddenly out of nowhere I didn't.

[Arteum]

Возможно я не прав. Но у меня initially ассоциируется с русским изначально. После него ожидается но. Типа, initially I was gonna do the homework, but then suddenly out of nowhere I didn't.

Погуглил на эту тему и, наверное, соглашусь в Вами. Основной смысл initially это первоначально, изначально. Верну как было, т.е. First.
Спасибо за подсказку!

[Polyejik]

Доброго времени суток. Подскажите, пожалуйста, на какой бал может рассчитывать следующий writing

Part 1 You live in a room in college which you share with another student. However, there are many problems with this arrangement and you find it very difficult to work. Write a letter to the accommodation officer at the college. In the letter,
• describe the situation
• explain your problems and why it is difficult to work
• say what kind of accommodation you would prefer
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing this letter to complain about my roommate. It is really difficult for me to share the room with him. And the main reason for that is his inappropriate behavior. He often takes my books and my laptop without asking me, more than that there is always a crowd of his friends hanging out in our room and of course it is pretty noisy.
I tried to discuss this issue with my roommate several times, I even told him that if he continue to behave this way, I will write to the accommodation officer, but it is looks like he just do not care.
I hope you will be able to help me with this situation. On the next month I'm going to have a really important exam, so If it is possible I would like to change the room or the roommate. I prefer to live with more study-oriented and quiet person.
Best regards,
Alexander.
Part 2
In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care. Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Old people often are not capable of taking care about themselves. There is a proverb in Russian - Old man as helpless as a baby. It is good if an old man has children or some other relatives who can look after him when he will grow old. But some people don't have anyone, they are lonely, and the best what modern society can offer them is to spend the last days of their lives in a nursing homes for the elderly. These organization are sometime supported by the government.
I think the government should pay for the care of old people. It is a duty of any country to take care about it citizens, the government has to consider these payments as a compensation for previous years of hard work. This is the basic thing and it goes without discussion, this package should include standard accommodation and medical care.
Actually I believe that officials can do more than just give money to the elderly houses, they should create special programs which will provide people with an opportunity to take care about their old age in advanced. For example some special insurance funds. The citizens should be informed on what kind of help they can expect in the future and make decisions based on this knowledge. In that case a lonely person will invest more money to have some additional comfort above basic package of government "elder-care" program. On the other hand the father of the big family will invest more in his children and grandchildren, and they will look after him when he gets old.

[Arteum]

Добрый день.
Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, это эссе. Применил немного другую структуру.
Спасибо!

Nowadays, technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

There are different opinions with regard to the question of whether use of technological devices in order to gather information about people, often without their permission, is worthwhile. Some people believe that this is nothing more than intrusion into private lives. In contrast, this essay will put forward the notion that benefits of such application of technology are more substantial than its drawbacks. Analysis of the use of such technological monitoring in investigations of robberies and prevention of terrorist attacks will prove the view stated above.

The main reason why people’s actions should be monitored with application of technology is that it may be helpful in solving crimes connected with robberies. One good illustration of this is when police use video information from internal cameras of banks that have been robbed to identify the suspects. Such information, gathered by technological devices, therefore, could make significant contribution into bringing criminals to justice and, ultimately, reduction of the crime rate.

Another reason why monitoring of people using special technological equipment has strong support is that information acquired in such way might be able to prevent terrorist attacks. For instance, such attack was prevented a few years ago in Britain by local security service, which had been monitoring cellphone and e-mail communications between terrorists and eventually used intercepted information to locate and disarm them. In this case, if such monitoring had not been conducted it might have resulted in deaths of innocent people.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that advantages of using technological devices to monitor people outweigh the disadvantages. This is because such application of technology can be invaluable in fighting and preventing different types of crime. Given this situation, it is recommended that governments launch advertising campaign promoting benefits of such monitoring to society.

[come_on!]

Уважаемые участники форума, а особенно Ильич, Вандерлей и Майами-Изабелла. И мое эссе почитайте, пожалуйста и покритикуйте. Посылал на проверку - оценки получал от 6,5 до 8. Экзамен через две недели, нужна 7. Как думаете, потянет такое эссе на заветные 7 баллов?

Popular events like the football World Cup and other international sporting occasions ae essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Some people argue that major sport events alleviate international tensions and give to the population of countries a chance to express patriotic feelings safely. I completely disagree with this point of view.

In my opinion, difficulties between countries and nations should be eased by mutual collaboration on governments and individuals levels. I do not believe that any sport occasion can really provide a viable solution for international tensions in a long-term perspective. Furthermore, popular sport events can aggravate the situation because people may start to perceive sport competitions as quasi-war. As a result, country residents who are not happy with the result of a competition may try to receive some kind of satisfaction in real life by insulting other nations, and this will obviously exacerbate the conflict. By contrast, willingness to cooperate and find solutions in real life will definitely ease international tensions.

I also disagree with the idea that sport occasions are a good way of releasing patriotic emotions. I feel very strongly that the only appropriate way of expressing patriotism is a constant aspiration for improving the quality of life in the country of residence. Patriotic feelings which arise from sport events are often linked to aggression and anti-social behavior, and these feelings hardly have positive consequences. For example, football fans may devastate a city if their national team looses a game. Perhaps, this would never happen if fans did not associate patriotic feelings and sport events so closely. On the other hand, good citizens express their patriotic feelings by serving a country and increasing common wealth.

In conclusion, we have no reason for considering sporting occasions as a remedy against international tensions and I don’t believe that sport events provide fans with opportunity to release patriotic feelings in a safe way.

[come_on!]

Добрый день.
Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, это эссе. Применил немного другую структуру.
Спасибо!



There are different opinions with regard to the question of whether [2] use of [3] technological devices in order to gather information about people, often without their permission, is worthwhile. Some people believe that this is [4]nothing more than intrusion into private lives. In contrast, this essay will put forward the notion that [5]benefits of such application of technology are more [5]substantial than its drawbacks. [6] Analysis of the use of such technological monitoring in investigations of [7] robberies and prevention of terrorist attacks will prove the view stated above.

1) В целом

Я вообще не специалист, но все авторы в один голос утверждают, что введение уж точно должно быть меньше body paragraph. По-моему, такое утверждение вполне логично.

Не понял, почему только ограбления рассматриваются, а не преступления: убийства, например.

Сложилось ощущение, что я понимаю написанное только потому, что говорю по-русски. Мне кажется, Вам не на форуме надо проверять, а с преподавателем.

В первом параграфе.

2) Здесь, думаю, нужен артикль

3) Не уверен, что стоит говорить "technological devices". Что это такое?

4) не более чем вторжение в личную жизнь? Я не понимаю мысль. Например, "по сути вторжение в личную жизнь" - это понятно.

5) не уверен, что substantial benefits предполагает возможность сравнения. Советую проверить.

[6] Артикль?

[7] Crimes?


Disclaimer: ни на что не претендую, ибо мой английский далек от совершенства - просто надеюсь, что мой пост окажется полезным.

[come_on!]

Доброго времени суток. Подскажите, пожалуйста, на какой бал может рассчитывать следующий writing

Вам даже лень параграфы выделить. Это сразу минус балл по всем модулям и бан на новый экзамен 1 мес. Шансов нет.

[Arteum]

1) В целом

Я вообще не специалист, но все авторы в один голос утверждают, что введение уж точно должно быть меньше body paragraph. По-моему, такое утверждение вполне логично.

Не понял, почему только ограбления рассматриваются, а не преступления: убийства, например.

Сложилось ощущение, что я понимаю написанное только потому, что говорю по-русски. Мне кажется, Вам не на форуме надо проверять, а с преподавателем.

В первом параграфе.

2) Здесь, думаю, нужен артикль

3) Не уверен, что стоит говорить "technological devices". Что это такое?

4) не более чем вторжение в личную жизнь? Я не понимаю мысль. Например, "по сути вторжение в личную жизнь" - это понятно.

5) не уверен, что substantial benefits предполагает возможность сравнения. Советую проверить.

[6] Артикль?

[7] Crimes?


Disclaimer: ни на что не претендую, ибо мой английский далек от совершенства - просто надеюсь, что мой пост окажется полезным.

Спасибо! Взгляд со стороны всегда полезен.

1) Сначала было как раз Crimes вместо robberies. Но изменил потому что terrorist attacks это тоже crimes. То есть получалось, что я пишу сначала про все категорию, а потом про ее часть.
По введению согласен. Background здесь слишком длинный. Хотя в тех же эссе от Maria Mirabel введение зачастую больше или той же длинны что и body параграфы.

5) Вообще слово Substantial предполагает возможность сравнения, но конкретно здесь..хз

По остальному полностью согласен.

[come_on!]

5) Вообще слово Substantial предполагает возможность сравнения, но конкретно здесь..хз

Я вчера у родителей смотрел документальный фильм немецкого канала, который почему-то вещает по-английски. Там сказали more sustainable approach. Так что Вы были правы

[Goran Dražić]

Уважаемые участники форума, а особенно Ильич, Вандерлей и Майами-Изабелла. И мое эссе почитайте, пожалуйста и покритикуйте. Посылал на проверку - оценки получал от 6,5 до 8. Экзамен через две недели, нужна 7. Как думаете, потянет такое эссе на заветные 7 баллов?

Popular events like the football World Cup and other international sporting occasions ae essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

give to the population of countries a chance - give somebody something.
mutual collaboration - I am not 100 per cent sure about this one, but can collaboration be not mutual?
on governments and individuals levels - governmental level/level of governments.
as quasi-war - missing article.
receive some kind of satisfaction - again, not completely sure, but something to think about - get/gain/derive satisfaction from something.
associate patriotic feelings and sport events - associate A with B.
we have no reason for considering sporting occasions as a remedy - I have no reason to consider sporting occasions to be a remedy.
and I don’t believe - comma before and do not

On top of this, I'm not sure I like the way you organised paragraphs. Instead of writing about easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions, I would first write why sport events are bad/not good enough/relatively effective when it comes to both easing tensions and releasing emotions, and then I'd suggest better ways to ease/release.

I find current outline unfortunate because topic sentences look quite misleading. Like in case of your first body paragraph, you begin with

In my opinion, difficulties between countries and nations should be eased by mutual collaboration on governments and individuals levels.

After reading this topic sentence, I expected to find examples and explanations of how governments and individuals can ease difficulties(can you ease difficulties btw?), but instead you write about how sport events fail to do so. With the outline suggested above, it would be much easier to organise your paragraphs in a less confusing way.

[come_on!]

Goran Dražić, Thank you for your valuable opinion. I assume you don't speak Russian, so I'll write in English.

I have not expected to finally get a feedback, and I shown this essay to the American guy who now lives in my city. He has a degree in something like Russian linguistics and here in Russia he's teaching advance students. He found the following mistakes:

- Some people argue that major sport events... SPORTING EVENTS, sport events does not sound natural.
- and give to the population of countries a chance... TO THE PEOPLE. Population is too official and does not mean "individuals"
- if their national team looses a game... LOSE a game
- ASSOCIATE WITH, as you wrote
- good citizens are ... increasing common wealth... He did not understand what I mean at all. WORKING FOR THE COMMON GOOD is correct .
- we have no reason for considering sporting occasions as a remedy - I have no reason to consider sporting occasions to be a remedy, you are right.
- ,and I don't believe - comma, as you wrote.

So, you missed several mistakes).

I'm not sure but:

- give me a chance, mutual collaboration, on governments and individuals levels all sound good to me
- as quasi-war - I would say it is not a particular war in this case, but war as a concept.

He said task response is very good but I tend to agree with your comment regarding the first senetence of the first body paragraph. It should be something like:

In my opinion, difficulties between countries and nations should be eased by mutual collaboration on governments and individuals levels, NOT BY SPORTING EVENT.

Thank you again.