My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[illi4]

Добрый день. Посмотрите пожалуйста мое ессэ. Спасибо!

У Вас с артиклями проблемы, и ещё Вам надо почитать о coherence и о thesis sentences. Из-за проблем со вторым эссе читается тяжело, хотя оно и написано вполне неплохо.

[NK999]

У Вас с артиклями проблемы, и ещё Вам надо почитать о coherence и о thesis sentences. Из-за проблем со вторым эссе читается тяжело, хотя оно и написано вполне неплохо.

Спасибо большое. Про артикли знаю, не уверена в них вообще. О coherence и о thesis sentences буду читать-искать.
Спасибо!

[illi4]

Спасибо большое. Про артикли знаю, не уверена в них вообще. О coherence и о thesis sentences буду читать-искать.
Спасибо!

В книгах Райана и Майка Уотти (есть в материалах на моём гуглодиске) эта тема хорошо раскрыта - советую проштудировать, если ещё не смотрели.

[ArthurK]

В баллах не уверен, но, скорее всего, это на оценку в районе 6-6.5.
Работы непаханное поле, к сожеланию. Я считаю, что нужны серьёзные занятия с хорошим преподавателем.

Отдельным цветом выделил многочисленные проблемы с артиклями (недостающие или лишние).
Проблемы с грамматикой подчеркнул (сюда же пунктуация)
Проблемы с лексикой, неверный подбор словосочетаний и ошибки в словах выделил курсивом.
Про сокращения (can't и т.д.) вроде уже писал до этого, нет?

Второй параграф очень нелогичный или не раскрытый, и не только он.

Пересмотрел я свое эссе и исправил указанные зоны. Если не сложно скажи если все верно. Спасибо!


As computers are being used more and more in education, there will be soon no role for teachers in the classroom.
Do you agree or disagree?


Education has undergone a massive change for the past ten years. A lot of online schools have popped-up offering distant learning for students. Because of these trends, some people may admit that role of teacher will soon be replaced with a computer. Personally, I disagree with this statement.

Firs of all, computers can’t provide a proper and instant feedback to the student while learning. Unlike traditional learning, which involves real-time intercation with teacher, computer learning technology is designed to teach step-by-step. Computer-based learning program can’t give an immediate answer to specific questions. As a result, this can lead to an uneffective learning process. The possibility of getting instant and personal feedback is one of the reasons I believe that teachers will remain in the classrooms.


Secondly, some students need face-to-face communication to achieve better results. Unfortunately, technology can’t provide such opportunity. As an example, once, during my philosophy class on my second university year, I was not focused on the topic. The professor has noticed that I was not paying attention and immediately made a joke.He said that current topic is important because it will be included in the final examination. Hence,I was instantly motivated to listen professor’s speech. Personal communication is another reason why I believe that teachers will not disappear from schools, colleges and universities.

To conclude, the role of teachers in the learning process is still very important and it will continue to be so in the future. No matter how complex computers become, they won’t be able to fully replace real human interaction.

[Goran Dražić]

As computers are being used more and more in education, there will be soon no role for teachers in the classroom.
Do you agree or disagree?


Education has undergone a massive change for the past ten years. A lot of online schools have popped-up offering distant learning for students. Because of these trends, some people may admit that role of teacher will soon be replaced with a computer. Personally, I disagree with this statement.

Firs of all, computers can’t provide a proper and instant feedback to the student while learning. Unlike traditional learning, which involves real-time intercation with teacher, computer learning technology is designed to teach step-by-step. Computer-based learning program can’t give an immediate answer to specific questions. As a result, this can lead to an uneffective learning process. The possibility of getting instant and personal feedback is one of the reasons I believe that teachers will remain in the classrooms.


Secondly, some students need face-to-face communication to achieve better results. Unfortunately, technology can’t provide such opportunity. As an example, once, during my philosophy class on my second university year, I was not focused on the topic. The professor has noticed that I was not paying attention and immediately made a joke.He said that current topic is important because it will be included in the final examination. Hence,I was instantly motivated to listen professor’s speech. Personal communication is another reason why I believe that teachers will not disappear from schools, colleges and universities.

To conclude, the role of teachers in the learning process is still very important and it will continue to be so in the future. No matter how complex computers become, they won’t be able to fully replace real human interaction.

1. There are no hyphens in phrasal verbs. Also, phrasal verbs are not the best choice for essays.
2. Synonyms. You have the word learning repeated like 10 times in your essay. That's really bad.
3. No contractions in essays. Can't - cannot, won't - will not
4. role of teacher will soon be replaced with a computer - it's a teacher who will be replaced by computer, not their role. You can also say that teacher's role will be overtaken by computers.
5. Computer-based learning program can’t give an immediate answer - if it's giving answers, isn't it a teaching program?
6. uneffective - ineffective
7. on my second university year - during.
8. The professor has noticed - isn't related to the present at all.
9. Hence,I was instantly motivated to listen professor’s speech. - Hence doesn't quite fit in here.
10. to listen professor’s speech - to listen to.
11. Also I don't get why you mention some joke and then don't tell what it was. What's the purpose?

[ArthurK]

1. Also I don't get why you mention some joke and then don't tell what it was. What's the purpose?

Hi Goran,

Thank you alot for comments. It really useful.
I mentioned the joke because the particauler topic actually wasnt part of exams. I think was a bad idea.


Thank so much!

[Goran Dražić]

I mentioned the joke because the particauler topic actually wasnt part of exams. I think was a bad idea.

Yeah, it was rather confusing.

One more hint regarding giving examples. It's usually a good idea to steer clear of the 1st and 2nd person pronouns and "short stories".

Personal pronouns make essays less formal. Even you are instructed to give examples from your personal knowledge and experience, these examples don't have to be about you. You can talk about people of a particular profession/background/age in your country, and it will count a personal experience because those are people you see and get to know everyday.

About "short stories" like - I wasn't paying attention -> he noticed -> he said -> I was motivated. Lengthy examples can interrupt the logic in the essay because reader gets distracted by the story and forgets what use were writing about before. They reread the beginning of your paragraph, and you lose marks for CC.

[NK999]

Добрый день. Посмотрите пожалуйста еще одно эссе. Спасибо!

Studies suggest children now watch much more TV than they did in the past and spend less time doing active or creative things. Why do you think this is the case? What measures could be taken to encourage children to spend more time doing active and creative things?

Over the last several decades kids are more inclined to stay indoors in front of a television set rather than go outside to play games, do exercises or create something. This question has been widely discussed between the education and health specialists in order to stimulate children to lead their life in healthier and more imaginative ways. I assume that the main reason for this matter is a dearth of parental care. There are several opinions concerning this matter; some of them are to be observed below.
To begin with, it is important to emphasize that today’s parents are busier than earlier and sometimes, cannot pay enough attention to their kids. There is little room for doubt that television becomes a babysitter; however, TV cannot replace good parenting. There is no question that it is convenient for fathers and mothers do housework at the same time when children are surfing through channels. For instance, the latest research has shown that the vast majority of families allow their child to waste time for watching. Unfortunately, 20 percent of questioned people do not think about their child’s pastime at all. Thus, youth prefer gazing at any program instead of playing with peers and inventing something new.
One possible way to overcome this issue is grownups’ control of the TV viewing of youngsters. Moreover, they should pass more hours with kids doing homework or art projects, playing games or painting pictures together. Another effective method to solve it is singing up children for after school activities such as sport group or social club. Additionally, adults may arrange play dates with neighborhood kids and support them in their innovative and developing pursuit. It is generally agreed that the greater parents’ involvement in a child’s life the hire level of youngsters’ development as a result of their extracurricular activities.
In conclusion, while the problem of seeing telecasts by youth might seem difficult there are several measures that can be taken. First of all, parents should limit children to watch TV set and participate in their kids’ life more.

[illi4]

NK999, пишу что вижу сразу:

1. Рунглишевский выбор слов и построение фраз (например, discussed between, waste time for watching, the TV viewing of youngsters, pass more hours, another effective method to solve it is, limit children to watch TV set, и т.д.).
2. Рассогласование времен (например, over the last several decades kids are more inclined ...).
3. В задании просят написать собственное мнение о причинах и предложить варианты решения проблемы, а Вы во вступлении пишете, что есть несколько мнений, и что Вы их рассмотрите
4. Пунктуация ("and sometimes, cannot pay").
5. Я "мозг сломал", пытаясь уловить логику второго параграфа. Перечитывал три раза - каша какая-то, ей богу. И что за вымышленные 20 процентов Вы берёте, что за research? Псевдонаучность какая-то, Вы же не для new scientist статью пишете. Логика в третьем параграфе получше, но тоже приходится сильно напрягаться, чтобы уловить "нить" и вообще понять о чём речь.
6. Очень короткий conclusion.
7. Некоторые предложения получаются немного заумными и неуклюжими. Например: Additionally, adults may arrange play dates with neighborhood kids and support them in their innovative and developing pursuit. Какой, блин, innovative and developing pursuit у беззаботных детей?

[NK999]

NK999, пишу что вижу сразу:

1. Рунглишевский выбор слов и построение фраз (например, discussed between, waste time for watching, the TV viewing of youngsters, pass more hours, another effective method to solve it is, limit children to watch TV set, и т.д.).
2. Рассогласование времен (например, over the last several decades kids are more inclined ...).
3. В задании просят написать собственное мнение о причинах и предложить варианты решения проблемы, а Вы во вступлении пишете, что есть несколько мнений, и что Вы их рассмотрите
4. Пунктуация ("and sometimes, cannot pay").
5. Я "мозг сломал", пытаясь уловить логику второго параграфа. Перечитывал три раза - каша какая-то, ей богу. И что за вымышленные 20 процентов Вы берёте, что за research? Псевдонаучность какая-то, Вы же не для new scientist статью пишете. Логика в третьем параграфе получше, но тоже приходится сильно напрягаться, чтобы уловить "нить" и вообще понять о чём речь.
6. Очень короткий conclusion.
7. Некоторые предложения получаются немного заумными и неуклюжими. Например: Additionally, adults may arrange play dates with neighborhood kids and support them in their innovative and developing pursuit. Какой, блин, innovative and developing pursuit у беззаботных детей?

Ох.Ох.Ох((
Ща буду разбираться.
Спасибо!

[ArthurK]

Привет всем! Еще раз о наболевшем=) Уважаемые знатоки! Каков мой приговор?

Если можно оценку (примерную) то будет супер!

Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas.
TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE.


Today’s sophisticated world has been divided into well-developed and poor countries . While people of rich nations are fighting for their rights, less-developed countries are struggling with poor education, industry and health. It is agreed that Governements of richer countries should contribute to poorer nations to improve these areas. Analyzing both the consequences of illigal immigration and health care related issues will show this.

Firstly, helping poor countries to develope their local businesses will decrease the number of illigal border crossers into more developed countries. For example, it is commonly understood that lost jobs, depressed wages, stolen taxpayer resources are all the effects of illigal immigration in richer countries such as USA and Great Britain. Therefore it would be economocaly reasonable to contribute for unwealthy contries to develope their own trade. That ecomical impact would make poor country more attractive for its natives to stay at homeland, and as a result will lower illigal beakthrough into wealthy countries. Thus this makes it clear why more developed countries sould help poor nations to solve economical problems.

Secondly, funding the health care in struggling countries would help to improve the health conditions all around the world. For instance, infectious third-world country travalers and immigrants could spread the disease. Therefore, this will negatively affect the local health system of the country they are visiting. Obviously, unwealthy countries could not fight agains disseases without additional help from overseas partners. From this it becames quite evident that governments of rich countries should support poor countries in these areas.

In summary, poor countries are potentionaly dangerous the economics and health worldwide . This is clear why idea of helping poor countries is completely supported. After analyzing this subject, it is predicted that positive aspects of the debate over contributon for poor countries will be stronger than negative one because poor countries could not develope their own trade and proper health care without assistance of richer nations’ Governements

[illi4]

Мне кажется, это в район 6.5 - 7.

Привет всем! Еще раз о наболевшем=) Уважаемые знатоки! Каков мой приговор?
Если можно оценку (примерную) то будет супер!

Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas.
TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE.

Today’s sophisticated world has been divided into well-developed and poor countries [а как же develiping countries? ]. While people of rich nations [можно просто rich nations] are fighting for their rights [не понял, эта мысль к чему?], less-developed countries are struggling with poor education, industry [индустрией?] and health [тогда health care]. It is agreed that Governements [вроде же с маленькой надо писать; ну и Вас про собственное мнение спрашивают, а Вы пишете it is agreed...] of richer countries should contribute to poorer nations to improve these areas [не нравится формулировка. мб should contribute to the development of their neigbours...]. Analyzing both the consequences of illigal immigration [читается: анализируя оба следствия нелегальной иммиграции] and health care [тире] related issues will show this [некрасиво ].

Firstly, helping poor countries [синонимы: developing countries, Third World countries / societies / nations] to develope their local businesses [бизнесы? ] will decrease the number of illigal border crossers into more developed countries. For example, it is commonly understood that lost jobs [где? аналогично про wages и resources], depressed wages, stolen taxpayer resources are all the effects of illigal immigration [да ну?] in richer countries such as [the] USA and Great Britain. Therefore [запятая] it would be economocaly reasonable to contribute [кому?] for [о, хорошо! ] unwealthy contries to develope their own trade [какой trade, о чём речь? ]. That ecomical impact [опять непонятно] would make [a] poor country more attractive for its natives [перегружено] to stay at homeland, and as a result will lower illigal beakthrough into wealthy countries. Thus this makes it clear [честно говоря, нет ] why more developed countries sould help poor nations to solve economical problems [раз уж вы завершаете параграф таким предложением, то оно должно повторять тезис этого параграфа, а не идею всего эссе].

Secondly, funding the [какую-то конкретную систему здравоохранения? зачем the] health care in struggling countries would help to improve the [опять] health conditions [чьё?] all around the world. For instance, infectious third-world country travalers and immigrants could spread the [опять the] disease [это пример чего, улучшения??]. Therefore, this will negatively affect the local health system of the country they are visiting. Obviously [оу], unwealthy countries could not [почему вы на прошлое перескочили?] fight agains disseases without additional help from overseas partners [вообще ни разу не obvious, как связана помощь (непонятно какая, кстати) с инфицированными путешественниками и как из этого следует, что сами страны не в состоянии справиться с заболеваниями без помощи каких-то overseas partners]. From this it becames quite evident that governments of rich countries should support poor countries in these areas [вода, да ещё и некрасивая].

[вот тут какая-то полнейшая каша началась]
In summary, poor countries are potentionaly dangerous [ ничесе у Вас выводы] [забыли to?] the [конкретной?] economics and health worldwide. This is clear why idea of helping poor countries is completely supported [ШТА?]. After analyzing this [какой?] subject, it is predicted that positive aspects of the debate over contributon for poor countries [ШТА?] will be stronger than negative one because poor countries could [would] not develope their own trade [?] and proper health care without [the] assistance of richer nations [точка]’ Governements

[ArthurK]

Мне кажется, это в район 6.5 - 7.

Спасибо Ильич.

[eminent]

Всем привет. Прошу по возможности и свободе времени почитать мой образец эссе и высказать все, что думаете)
Заранее спасибо.

Many people believe that formal “pen and paper” examinations are not the best method of assessing educational achievement. What is your view of examinations?

This is a widely discussed opinion, that written exams are not good method to test students’ level of knowledge. This point of view deserves to exist as well as the opposite view.
“Pen and paper” examinations are used almost in every educational institute and educational process. They are easy to be organized, but it is easier for students to prepare for those tests and pass them. This is because those ones usually take place in the form of test, where it is required just to choose one of the given variants. So, many students can only predict answers although they might not know them definitely. Also written exams have samples of questions and some composed programme for studying. As a result, students do not need to learn the whole subject, but only needful parts of that one. That is why other types of checking students’ progress also discussed in society.
However, it can be recognized that “pen and paper” exams are a good method to control students’ knowledge that we have today. Written exams are more objective during evaluation of their results, because no one can influence to answers that are already given. Instead, other types of examinations, such as verbal, are evaluated by some person or some people, and their marks can be subjective. And it should be said, that train students train their skills better, if they know what kind of information they need to learn. Because nobody can not know everything. Also, it is important that written answers are stored for a long time and they are able to be checked in anytime.
In conclusion, it can be said that written exams are not the best type of testing students’ knowledge, but they are convenient for our educational systems.

[come_on!]

Всем привет. Прошу по возможности и свободе времени почитать мой образец эссе и высказать все, что думаете)
Заранее спасибо.

Many people believe that formal “pen and paper” examinations are not the best method of assessing educational achievement. What is your view of examinations?

This is a widely discussed opinion, that written exams are not good method to test students’ level of knowledge. This point of view deserves to exist as well as the opposite view.
“Pen and paper” examinations are used almost in every educational institute and educational process. They are easy to be organized, but it is easier for students to prepare for those tests and pass them. This is because those ones usually take place in the form of test, where it is required just to choose one of the given variants. So, many students can only predict answers although they might not know them definitely. Also written exams have samples of questions and some composed programme for studying. As a result, students do not need to learn the whole subject, but only needful parts of that one. That is why other types of checking students’ progress also discussed in society.
However, it can be recognized that “pen and paper” exams are a good method to control students’ knowledge that we have today. Written exams are more objective during evaluation of their results, because no one can influence to answers that are already given. Instead, other types of examinations, such as verbal, are evaluated by some person or some people, and their marks can be subjective. And it should be said, that train students train their skills better, if they know what kind of information they need to learn. Because nobody can not know everything. Also, it is important that written answers are stored for a long time and they are able to be checked in anytime.
In conclusion, it can be said that written exams are not the best type of testing students’ knowledge, but they are convenient for our educational systems.

Сразу скажу - у меня 7,5 за письмо, так что делайте скидку.

1) Я думаю, такая тема вряд ли будет на ИЕЛТС, используйте аутентичные темы
2) Учите английский, обороты "This is a widely discussed opinion, that" ,
"This point of view deserves to exist", "However, it can be recognized that “pen and paper” exams are a good method to control students’ knowledge that we have today.", "And it should be said, that train students train their skills better" даже меня пугают
3) В начале второго параграфа перебор с thouse and this - я запутался.
4) "So, many students can only predict answers although they might not know them definitely". So - неформально, не надо использовать. И по логике вы тут что-то другое хотели сказать - что студенты могут угадывать ответы? - мне кажется, Вам не удалось выразить мысль

Дальше, наверное, нет смысла разбирать. Если претендуете на 7+,серьезно учите язык. Если на 6 - можете идти сдавать, наверное.