My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[illi4]

Валера, ещё простая грамматика и артикли хромают. Повышайте уровень языка в целом.

[Валера]

Спасибо парни!

[Валера]

illi4 Укажите какие именно артикли.

[illi4]

Артикли подчеркнул \ добавил. Но это не главная проблема - главная в том, что у Вас ужасно написаны предложения. Настолько, что даже я, воспринимая рунглиш, частично вообще не понимаю, что написано. А уж нэйтивы так вообще оплюются.

Watching particular films can lead to negative consequences. Indeed, it has been proved with a lot of researches that rush scenes in cinema might form an aggressive model of behaviour. Thus, some strong measures should be done in order to prevent possible antisocial behaviour and other types of crimes.

The First problem to be tackled is anantisocial behaviour. Films with violent scenes build up unconscious thirst for cruelty. Undoubtedly, the younger a viewer is the higher probability is that after having watched such films they may end up being rough. Moreover, in countries with an easy access to arms shooting classmates are not any longer something impossible. There is no doubt that one of the major reasons might be fierceness in cinematography This issue can be solved by banning the youth from this kind of genre or allowing them to watch age appropriate movies.

The Second challenge is that even mature people are affected by it. It is thought that the particular part of the brain can be influenced by watching a specific genre like horror, thriller. Indeed, whereas you watch aggression on TV your hemispheres react accordingly. The brain seeing hazard gives out a signal to produce adrenaline so that the body responds properly. Thus, after having been given some doses of adrenaline during a couple of sessions of horror it searches for ways to escape. Apparently, it can be suggested that adrenaline releases throughout domestic violence, antisocial behaviour and other types of crime. Thus, it can be suggested to an (или ... corporations) international media corporation like Hollywood not to produce force-included films.

To sum up, a mature person as well as the youth may be affected by watching scenes including graphic violence. As circumstances, offences like domestic violence, shooting in schools, bullying peers occur.
In my point of view, some measures like enforcing age limits, restricting crime in movies should be immediately taken.

[illi4]

Давайте я чуть более детально разберу

Добрый день.
Читаю форум давно, английский учу с января сего года.Стоит цель сдать IELTS Academic. Учу грамматику и набираюсь словарного запаса. Эссе пишу впервые. Если не затруднит, покритикуйте мою писанину)) Буду очень благодарна.

Some people say that education system is the only critical factor to development of a country. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this ststement.

It is generally accepted that education is one of the most important component of the country 's development [ставя определенный артикль, Вы говорите о развитии конкретной страны, а Вы же не то хотели сказать]. Nevertheless, there are a lot of other factors which impact on [покопайте affect - effect - have an impact] prosperity of countries.

The first thing that needs to be said, [уберите запятую и поставьте is] that country's geographic location [масло масляное], climate and natural resources have significant influence [просто influence smth или have a significant effect on smth] on country's development. In fact, if a state has a good location next to the sea and tight neighbourship with other countries, all these factors can give immense opportunities for trading and other economic contacts [перечитайте, переведя. последние 3 слова - odd]. Besides, the cropland and rich soil, if it [it - это что-то в единственном числе] is supplemented by the good climate, can lead to harvest and not only able to provide all population, but sell some part of the crop [пишите проще, а не такими монструозными предложениями. Например "Besides, if cropland is fertile and the climate is favourable, one can expect rich harvest. Not only can it be consumed, but also sold."]. Moreover, other natural resources like rivers, lakes and minerals [реки - это не натуральные ресурсы + читайте, что можно перечислять в like] can provide additional advantages. After all, it would be easier [than what?] and quickly [more quickly тогда] to sucseed for nations if they have a lot of natural resources. [в целом, какой-то адский оффтопик]

In contrast, other people do not agree with this affirmative and think that only education and knowledge can lead the [a] country to prosperity and well-being. County [ну вы бы опечатки-то хоть проверили] could not use their natural resources without people who were studying well and have a profound knowledge in different areas of science [OH RLY? ]. Because [предложения не начинают с because] scientists invent all [overgeneralization] ways of mining and processing of the final product [эмм...что? ]. All technological achievements could be more profitable in modern world [опять непонятно]. Doubtlessly, only wise usage of the good location by politicians and economists brings stable development to countries.

In conclusion, reflecting all pros and cons of mentioned opinions, I agree with statement that education is the most important side to development of a country.

[spetsmash]

illi4,спасибо за детальный разбор премного благодарна)

Я читала ACE the IELTS и в этой книге рекомендация для таких типов эссе "to what extend" рекомендуется рассмотрение обоих вариантов : за и против....

книгу сжечь?))

[illi4]

illi4,спасибо за детальный разбор премного благодарна)
Я читала ACE for IELTS и в этой книге рекомендация для таких типов эссе "to what extend" рекомендуется рассмотрение обоих вариантов : за и против....
где правда?))

Там такого не написано. Вот, что я вижу в книге:

Topics “H” present a Hidden argument. These topics usually ask “To what extent ...?”, “In what way...?”, “How has something change...?”.

H: “To what extent should television participate in our children’s education?”
What they really ask here is whether the television should educate the children or not.

[spetsmash]

illi4, т.е. я вообще ничего не пишу about other side?

[illi4]

illi4, т.е. я вообще ничего не пишу about other side?

Да

[Arteum]

Здравствуйте!

30 мая я сдаю Academic Writing. Подготовка к нему перешла в интенсивную стадию)
Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, мое эссе. Спасибо!


In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Increasing consumption of fast food in certain countries is causing serious health damage to their citizens. Some people believe that governments should act more radically to solve this problem. This essay will put forward the notion that tax on fast food should be significantly increased. Initially, this position will be proven by an analysis of impact such decision may have on the level of sales of fast food products. A discussion of the use of additional funds raised by tax authorities as a result of increase in the tax will also support the position stated above.

Firstly, imposing higher tax on unhealthy food would make it more expensive and, thus, less appealing to consumers. For instance, many fast food restaurant chains, such as McDonald’s, tend to attract their customers by offering their products for relatively cheap prices. Therefore, significant increase in the rate of tax on fast food products and corresponding rise in their prices might alienate some part of these chains’ clients. This will reduce negative impact unhealthy food has on people’s health.

Secondly, additional money raised from the higher tax could be invested in healthcare system to combat the health issues resulting from the consumption of unhealthy food. For example, many people that eat fast food regularly are suffering from health diseases. Governments may use funds raised from increase in the tax on fast food to tackle such health problems. Thus, it is clear that there are clear benefits of more severe tax regime for unhealthy food.

In conclusion, I completely agree that governments should increase the tax on fast food. This is due to the fact that this would deter people from buying this kind of food and will make additional funds available for governments to invest in tackling the health problems resulting from increased consumption of unhealthy food. It is recommended that governments impose this tax on a reasonably high level to make these effects noticeable.

[illi4]

Здравствуйте!

30 мая я сдаю Academic Writing. Подготовка к нему перешла в интенсивную стадию)
Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, мое эссе. Спасибо!

А какой балл нужен? 7? В этом эссе в глаза бросаются проблемы с coherence, лексикой и частично грамматикой (в т.ч. с временами и артиклями).
Ещё, многовато воды. Я понимаю, что Вы по шаблону писали, но всё же, мне совсем не нравится результат.

[Валера]

Спасибо!!

[Arteum]

А какой балл нужен? 7? В этом эссе в глаза бросаются проблемы с coherence, лексикой и частично грамматикой (в т.ч. с временами и артиклями).
Ещё, многовато воды. Я понимаю, что Вы по шаблону писали, но всё же, мне совсем не нравится результат.

Спасибо за feedback! Нужно 8. Не думал что все так плохо..
Если у Вас будет время і желание, укажите, пожалуйста, на мои ошибки.

[illi4]

Спасибо за feedback! Нужно 8. Не думал что все так плохо..
Если у Вас будет время і желание, укажите, пожалуйста, на мои ошибки.

Если Вы настроены серьёзно и Вам нужна 8ка, то моих комментариев будет совсем недостаточно, да и я заколебусь их писать Советую разобрать это (и последующие) эссе с грамотным преподавателем.

[Arteum]

Если Вы настроены серьёзно и Вам нужна 8ка, то моих комментариев будет совсем недостаточно, да и я заколебусь их писать Советую разобрать это (и последующие) эссе с грамотным преподавателем.

Понимаю. Меня неприятно удивили мои проблемы с coherence.
Если можно, подскажите, пожалуйста, хотя бы пару примеров lack of coherence в этом эссе.