My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Добрый вечер! Написал очередное письмо. Буду признателен за ошибки и примерную оценку Мне очень важно понять свой примерный уровень.



Recently, you attended a job interview and just got a letter offering you the job. However, you don't want to do this job. Write a letter to the company to:
- Explain the reason why you decline the offer
- Express you gratitude
- Explain you like your current job very much.


Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to you with regard to a job offer I recently received from a Human Resource department of “Microsoft Corporation”. I am sorry to say that I am not going to accept the proposal.
The reason I have to decline the position at your company is the promotion I have recently received at my current company “Google Inc.”. Not only have they proposed me a position of a team leader but also a significant increase in salary.
Needless to say I am immensely grateful for the recognition of my experience at such a well-known company. “Microsoft Corporation” is leading the business in information technology in the region of South-East Asia and I appreciate that you value me as a skilled professional.
Once again, I would like to highlight that I am perfectly content with my current job. Working at “Google Inc.” means developing cutting-edge complex solutions to tackle an infinite variety of problems and I believe any engineer would be happy to work on motivating and interesting tasks here.
I hope this will not cause you any difficulties. Please contact my secretary at 098-765-4321 should you have any other partnership suggestions.
Yours sincerely,
George Jungle

1. с точки зрения английского языка и культуры ваше письмо очень грубое. Попросту говоря, вы им рекомендуете отстать от вас, прекратить приглашать на работу, так как вам и без них хорошо. Собственно говоря, оно очень грубое и с точки зрения моего русского языка.
2. когда я дочитала до конца, я так и не поняла, кто вы такой и что вам предлагают.
вроде вы инженер (выделено)
с другой стороны, у вас личная секретарша - у инженера?! (выделено)
с 'третьей стороны' они вам предлагают долю в MS? T.e. вы станете партнером Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer, и вы отказываетесь?! (выделено)

you value me - проверьте значение и употребление слова value
suggest vs. offer

[Lyon'ka]

Isn't recognition of experiece actually a procedure of qualification assessment?

[will.i.am]

I am writing to you with regard to a job offer I recently received from a Human Resource department of “Microsoft Corporation”. I am sorry to say that I am not going to accept the proposal.

Замечание от M_I насчет грубости. Согласен. Конкретно вот здесь "I am not going", менее грубое "I don't give a %%%%" или просто "%%%% off". И это уже тогда, когда градус тона повышен. Я бы заменил на "I am very pleased to be treated/considered as a best candidate for the position you offer, however, I am afraid I have to decline your offer of employment.

The reason [why] I have to decline the position at your company is the promotion I have recently received at my current company “Google Inc.”.

Not only have they proposed me a position of a team leader but also a significant increase in salary. - Мне тоже нравится эта конструкция, но она явно должна выглядеть как то так "Not only have they proposed me a position of a team leader but they have also significantly increased my salary.

Если кто то и меня поправит я буду только признателен.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Замечание от M_I насчет грубости. Согласен. Конкретно вот здесь "I am not going", менее грубое "I don't give a %%%%" или просто "%%%% off". И это уже тогда, когда градус тона повышен. Я бы заменил на "I am very pleased to be treated/considered as a best candidate for the position you offer, however, I am afraid I have to decline your offer of employment.

The reason [why] I have to decline the position at your company is the promotion I have recently received at my current company “Google Inc.”.

Not only have they proposed me a position of a team leader but also a significant increase in salary. - Мне тоже нравится эта конструкция, но она явно должна выглядеть как то так "Not only have they proposed me a position of a team leader but they have also significantly increased my salary.

Если кто то и меня поправит я буду только признателен.

propose vs. offer. vs. suggest

Not only have they proposed (-->offered) me a position of a team leader but also a significant increase in salary. - оригинал unhindered's намного лучше.
but!
Not only have I been offered a position of a team leader, but also a significant salary increase / pay rise.

[Lyon'ka]

Ну что ж получив по опе от Maimiti_Isabella и od1n, я переделал свое эссе в соответствии с правилами, КАК ИХ ПОНЯЛ Я.

С удовольствием принимаются замечания - чего я не понял?


Today people prefer renting than buying a home. What are the advantages and disadvantages of renting your home?

Many people rent homes instead of buying them nowadays. Although there are many obvious advantages of being a tenant, there are some considerable disadvantages as well.

Life has changed dramatically over the recent years and many people do not have strong bonds to certain places these days, and renting a home allows them to be flexible in choosing the place to live, for example taking another job one can chose to go to live near the new office. Also, many careers are related to moving from one city or country to another, so taking and apartment for rent is the quickest way to decide the matter of where to settle in a new place. It is also suitable for those who don't want to spend their time and money on renovations, repairing and dealing with housing services themselves – it would all be done by the landlord or real-estate agency. Moreover, renters do not have to invest in refurbishment works, if they get tired of the interior, they can just move to another house. Furthermore, renting can be cheaper than mortgage payments which in most cases can be the crucial criterion.

Although renting a home can be very beneficial as it has been said above, there are some drawbacks that should be also taken into consideration. First of all it is not always easy to rent a good accomodation if there are no reference letters from previous lanlords or if a potential tenant has just arrived to the country and has no proves of his or her financial means. However, if one manages to get the desired house for rent, there are other issues further down the road. It is a common practice that in a rented house renovations and all other changes can not be done at the tenant's will, one should always bear in mind that there are rules set by the property owner that need to be obeyed. Those who rent have to ask the landlord for a permission to have a pet or to throw a party and their request can be rejected. In addition to this, the dwellers might be asked to move out during the term of their tenancy if a landlord notifies them about his intention to sell the property.

In conclusion, although there are significant upsides to living in a rented home, there are also some serious downsides that should be taken into account. However, which side outweighs the other can only be decided according to a certain person's circumstances and considerations.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Ну что ж получив по опе от Maimiti_Isabella и od1n, я переделал свое эссе в соответствии с правилами, КАК ИХ ПОНЯЛ Я.

С удовольствием принимаются замечания - чего я не понял?


Today people prefer renting than buying a home. What are the advantages and disadvantages of renting your home?

Какой балл нужен? General or Academic?

[Lyon'ka]

Какой балл нужен? General or Academic?

General, 7.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

General, 7.

Разберитесь с пунктуацией.

Вечером дам более развернутый ответ в личные сообщения.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

General, 7.

Check your personal messages

[Maimiti_Isabella]

I can check an essay right now. So if you've got one ready and it addresses my 'conditions', pm me with your essay (or task one - same difference, really)

[unhindered]

will.i.am, Maimiti_Isabella,
Большое спасибо за замечания! Буду работать над тоном; здесь отпишусь, скорее всего, когда начну работать над part 2.

[unhindered]

Хотел бы отправить на проверку пару писем, но никак не могу найти 'conditions' ткните плз если не трудно...

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Хотел бы отправить на проверку пару писем, но никак не могу найти 'conditions' ткните плз если не трудно...

You won't be able anyway as you don't have access to your pm until you get 10 'cообщений'

http://www.gday.ru/forum/ielts/45491...ml#post5054938

[aqsw2210]

Добрый день! Проверьте, пожалуйста, мое эссе:
“Prevention is better than cure”. Researching and treating diseases is too costly so it would be better to invest in preventative measures. To what extent do you agree?

One of the widely discussed issues nowadays is prevention and the researching illnesses.
This statement has raised a question whether the government should allocate a large sum out of the national health budget for educating and phasing in health-protected measures. In my opinion, this plan should be put into practice for the two reasons mentioned accordingly.

Nowadays people are beginning to realize that the budget of national health spending should shift to prevention of essential illness.
Personally, I tend to think that it is important to avert diseases and explore the cause of sicknesses due to that we will able to defence yourself against them.

Firstly, it is well known that conducting of medical researchers plays a vital role in saving the life of humanity. What I mean here is that the government must not hesitate to spend money on medical exploration. One of the main reasons behind that the various kinds of sicknesses appearance lately. A good case in point is a mutation of virosis illnesses. Without research into their behaviour, it is impossible their curing.
On the other hand, it can also be argued that no one can deny the importance to including health lessons in school programs, especially at primary level, in hope of raising the level of people's awareness on health and hygiene.

That is to say, it is much easier for people at early ages to form a habit of, for instance, not consuming too much fast food, over-fried food and so on.
In conclusion, taking everything mentioned into account in our final analysis we can say that, prevention and health education may be better than cure, but it can never wholly replace it. They will yield positive results on not only the people's physical and mental development but also their finance.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Смогла дочитать до вот этого essential illness, и поняла, что пора остановиться.