My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Goran Dražić]

You live in an English speaking country and you want to do some voluntary, unpaid work in a developing country. Write a letter to a company called Cultural Expeditions, which organizes such trips. In your letter:
Explain why you want to do the voluntary work.
State what your skills and experience are.
Indicate where you would like to volunteer and for how long.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to you regarding an opportunity of volunteering within your organisation. First of all, I woud like to express my respect and appreciation for "Cultural Expeditions" activity which helps to make developing world a better place. - Last sentence shouldn't be here. In first paragraph you are supposed to shortly state the reason for writing.

I obtained Bachelor's degree in medicine last summer. After graduation I have been working as a nurse in a hospital for a year. In addition to this a have five month of meaningful experience as a volunteer in an orphange in Peru where my duties included helping with daily routine such as preparing food, serving meals and cleaning. - First of all, try to organise you ideas in the same order as bullet points. Secondly, this paragraph starts a little unexpectedly. I would start with an introduction sentence, like I believe I possess certain skills that could be useful in ... And then I would describe them just like you did.

I would like to continue my volunteering experience working with children. I feel it is very imortant to introduce economically disadvantaged children to world culture breaking down barriers and misunderstandings. Also it would be great opportunity to practice and develop my social skills, increase self-confidence and experience the traditional lifestyle myself. - I like this paragraph. I would probably add some 'reason' vocabulary at the beginning to show that you are expressing your intents.

I would be gtateful if I could take three month volunteer trip to Africa, prepherably to Kenya, since June. - This one is too short. Try to make all 'bullet point' paragraphs even. In this case, I would do it like this - I would be grateful if ... to Africa. I am mostly interested in ... , but I am open to other options too. As for the dates, I ... (some personal info), so I will be able to start ...

Please, find enclosed my curricilum vitae and copy of medical references. Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to receiving your reply. - Very nice. I like this one.

Yours faithfully,
Ekaterina Smith

[Ekaterina632]

откуда вы берете темы?

Эссе из Successful writing proficiency Virginia Evans стр. 69.
Тему письма взяла на goodluckielts

Maimiti_Isabella, направьте, пожалуйста, в нужное русло. С чего начать исправления?
Goran Dražić, thank you for your help!

[debugx]

Всем привет, прошу проверить эссе:

Today more people are travelling than ever before.
Why is this the case?
What are benefits of travelling for the travelers?

План:
1. Rephrase the topic. Answer the question.
2. Why today more people are travelling than ever before
- transport system is much more developed
- living conditions are better. Travelling is more afordable for people.
- Many photo reports in social networks entice other people to travel.
3. What are benefits of travelling for the travelers?
- Nice chance to see the world
- develope person's culture
- relax from work
- study new languages
4. Repeat, summarise the answer.

It is true that today travelling abroad has become more prevalent. Several reasons can be taken into consideration to explain this tendency. There are a lot of benefits in travelling for people.

To begin, the transport system is well developed now. Airplanes, trains and buses provide people with fairly convenient possibilities for travelling. Many years ago, for instance, it took about one week to get from London to New York City, but now a traveler can reach America in one day in a very comfortable plain. Secondly, travelling has become more affordable for ordinary people. For example, if a person lives in Moscow and earns an average salary, it is not a problem to pay for the trip to another part of the world on his vacation. Furthermore, people sometimes are enticed to travel by their friends in social networks. For instance, if a person has a friend who is an avid traveler and he shares a lot of fascinating and exciting photos on his page in Facebook, it may probably inspire this person to spend his vacation abroad as well.

Travelling all over the world is quite beneficial for people. First, it is a great chance to see the world, to see how other people live, to dive into another culture, and, therefore, to enrich person's own inner world. In addition, travelling abroad allows people to relax from work and to recharge their batteries that may definitely lead to increasing person's effectiveness and productivity at work.

In conclusion, it is understandable why nowadays citizens of many countries tend to travel a lot. It provides people with many interesting and fascinating activities and it is fairly beneficial for them.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

С чего начать исправления?

Судя по источникам тем, вы не изучили что такое IELTS, не проанализировали как пишутся эссе для IELTS, как формулируются темы. А без этого вы потеряете баллы на Task Achievement.

Так что начинайте с ... с самого начала

[kiggiss]

Мой взгляд с вашим не совпадает

Some people say that fashion for young people is becoming an important thing. --> Some people say that fashion is becoming an important thing for young people. --> Some people say that fashion is becoming important for young people

( любом случае чего то 'не хватает' например: increasingly important for young people)

vs

fashion for young people is becoming an increasingly important business.

Долго собирался ответить на ваш комментарий в форме эссе, и наконец таки выдал. вообще эта тема для меня сложная, но я целенаправленно бился над ней, чтобы научиться писать сложные темы. Вот новая редакцию того же эссе. Что скажете? Теперь я ответил на вопрос темы?

Some people say that fashion for young people is becoming an important thing. This is causing a problem for the society and has its negative effects on young people. Do you agree or disagree? Give examples from your experience.

It is not surprising that fashion trends are becoming very important for modern youngsters. Plethora of various garments has flooded shopping malls and textile market is booming. Young men are so aware from advertisements about the latest outfit models that they just cannot cope with the temptation of following the fashionable line. Although some people think about this as of a negative development I have to disagree with them.


The one of the reasons why on my mind vogue entrainment is good for young people is that it nurtures a sense of taste and style in them. Stylish people have been always very distinguishable of the crowd and as general more respectful. Furthermore the taste and style are very important when it comes to high-ranking official people like politicians or diplomats.


Some of us may be concerned that paying too much attention to the fashion younger generation may harm our nation. I believe that this is an exaggeration caused by wrong perception based on the image of fashion parades often shown on TV. In fact, this kind of fashion has very little or nothing in common with the everyday life. Even though on the street I can see sometimes teenagers dressed up inappropriately and blatant these cases are quite rare and cannot be taken into account.


In conclusion it doesn't seem to me that fashion as an important business for young people is badly influencing our society. On the contrary I think that such situation greatly contributes to our economy and has been becoming some kind of art in recent years.

[Goran Dražić]

It is true that today travelling abroad has become more prevalent. Several reasons can be taken into consideration to explain this tendency. There are a lot of benefits in travelling for people. - 1. travelling abroad more prevalent <> people are travelling more than before. More prevalent comparing to local travelling? 2. Third sentence comes unexpectedly -> no coherence.

I would start with a good topic sentence to show the topic of this paragraph. To begin, the transport system is well developed now. Airplanes, trains and buses provide people with fairly convenient possibilities possibilities = chances, should be opportunities for travelling. Many years ago, for instance, it took about one week to get from London to New York City, but now a traveler can reach America in one day in a very comfortable plain. Secondly, travelling has become more affordable for ordinary people suggestion: for average budget. For example, if a person lives in Moscow and earns an average salary, it is not a problem to pay for the trip to another part of the world on his vacation. Furthermore, people sometimes are enticed to travel by their friends in social networks. For instance, if a person has a friend who is an avid traveler and he shares a lot of fascinating and exciting photos on his page in Facebook, it may probably inspire this person to spend his vacation abroad as well.

Travelling all over the world is quite beneficial for people. First, it is a great chance to see the world, to see how other people live, to dive into another culture, and, therefore, to enrich person's own inner world. In addition, travelling abroad allows people to relax from work and to recharge their batteries that which may definitely lead to increasing person's effectiveness and productivity at work.

In conclusion, it is understandable why nowadays citizens of many countries tend to travel a lot. It provides people with many interesting and fascinating activities and it is fairly beneficial for them.

[debugx]

It is not surprising that fashion trends are becoming very important for modern youngsters. Plethora of various garments has flooded shopping malls and textile market is booming. Young men are so aware from advertisements about the latest outfit models that they just cannot cope with the temptation of following the fashionable line. Although some people think about this as of a negative development I have to disagree with them.


The one of the reasons why on my mind vogue entrainment is good for young people is that it nurtures a sense of taste and style in them. Stylish people have been always very distinguishable of the crowd and as general more respectful. Furthermore the taste and style are very important when it comes to high-ranking official people like politicians or diplomats.


Some of us may be concerned that paying too much attention to the fashion younger generation may harm our nation. I believe that this is an exaggeration caused by wrong perception based on the image of fashion parades often shown on TV. In fact, this kind of fashion has very little or nothing in common with the everyday life. Even though on the street I can see sometimes teenagers dressed up inappropriately and blatant these cases are quite rare and cannot be taken into account.


In conclusion it doesn't seem to me that fashion as an important business for young people is badly influencing our society. On the contrary I think that such situation greatly contributes to our economy and has been becoming some kind of art in recent years.

1. У вас получилась слишком большая вступительная часть, совпадающая по размеру с основными абзацами. Introduction так не пишут. Почитайте блог Симона, как писать эссе.
2. Отошли от темы, когда упомянули politicians or diplomats. Вопрос был только о young people
3. Мое имхо, тема не раскрыта, сорри Затрудняюсь описать словами, но пока читал, не покидало чувство, что эссе написано на какую-то смежную тему. Наверное, всё же проще писать про негативный эффект моды для society and young people, тогда будет больше слов в тексте, релевантных данному топику.

[Vyacheslav16]

1. У вас получилась слишком большая вступительная часть, совпадающая по размеру с основными абзацами. Introduction так не пишут. Почитайте блог Симона, как писать эссе.

Это спорное мнение. Согласно "девяточнику" Райану количество предложений во вступлении как раз и должно быть таким, а именно 4 предложения.

1. Background sentence
2. Detailed background sentence
3. Thesis
4. Outline

А вот что касается содержания рассматриваемого вступления... по-моему здесь чистое творчество.

[Vyacheslav16]

Мое эссе №10. Прошу оценить и покритиковать. Как и обещал, тема из Кембриджа.

It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people believe that children are either born with certain talents for sport or music or they are not. Others claim that any child can be taught to become a good sportsman or musician. The arguments on both sides will be discussed in this essay.

On the one hand, it is easy to agree that some children are born talented in certain ways. When famous sportsmen’s or musicians’ careers are considered, it often seems that some magic works for them. “His airness” Michael Jordan, for instance, could float in the air longer than his opponents in basketball matches, although he was one of the tallest and heaviest players. When Stradivari played his famous instrument, perhaps many people asked themselves whether he had charmed the violin or not. In many such cases there are strong reasons to believe in talents given to special people.

On the other hand, hard training makes great professionals. Many athletes show outstanding results, but undoubtedly they had to train persistently for years. Genius musicians surely had great teachers who told them how to exercise effectively, but daily practice lasted for hours. Not everyone can see the process of training, but devoted people know it very well. From this, it can be concluded that any child who has enough enthusiasm and aspiration can be taught to be a good sports person or musician.

In conclusion, both these views have strong arguments. In my opinion, if talking about good sportsmen and musicians the latter point of view has more support, but if geniuses or the greatest were being discussed the former would sound more reasonable.

Количество слов: 267.

[debugx]

Это спорное мнение. Согласно "девяточнику" Райану количество предложений во вступлении как раз и должно быть таким, а именно 4 предложения.

1. Background sentence
2. Detailed background sentence
3. Thesis
4. Outline

Вступление и основная часть произведения должны соотносится в правильных пропорциях. В данном случае introduction равна половине основного содержимого. Это то же самое, как представьте, если бы в Войне и мире введение занимало бы 400 страниц ))
Кстати, вот что думает товарищ Симон по данному вопросу succinct introductions можете поспорить с ним на досуге

[Vyacheslav16]

Вступление и основная часть произведения должны соотносится в правильных пропорциях. В данном случае introduction равна половине основного содержимого. Это то же самое, как представьте, если бы в Войне и мире введение занимало бы 400 страниц ))

Если Вы имеете в виду, что Introduction = 4, Body Paragraphs = 8, то с этим все в порядке, именно такова структура эссе по Райану:

Introduction = 4 sentences
Supporting Paragraph 1 = 4 sentences
Supporting Paragraph 2 = 4 sentences
Conclusion = 3 sentences.

Всего 15 предложений.

Пример с Войной и миром яркий, но не совсем релевантный, все-таки это эссе, а не роман.

Еще один момент. Кроме количества предложений, еще есть количество слов, что также сильно влияет на объем. Визуально (я не считал) в рассматриваемом эссе с этим есть проблемы в плане пропорций параграфов.

Кстати, вот что думает товарищ Симон по данному вопросу succinct introductions можете поспорить с ним на досуге

Ну, его мнение о 2 предложениях для вступления для тех, кто в теме, далеко не сюрприз. На мой взгляд, и Райан и Симон (или Саймон) хороши. Можно выбрать стратегию любого - не прогадаешь.

[debugx]

Всем привет
Посмотри плиз letter:
You have recently move to a different house.
Write a letter to an English speaking friend.
In you letter Explain
- why you have moved
- Describe the new house
- Invite your friend to come and visit

Dear Mike,

I recently moved to another house because my previous lease was up. I asked my landlord to renew it but he said that he would sell this place in order to make way for the construction of a parking lot.

However, I am not upset about it at all. I have moved to another beautiful house with a nice white picket fence, pastel siding and a gable roof. There is an amazing lawn with minimal landscaping nearby. Indoors everything is designed in a classic style; wooden panels on the walls, all brand new furniture and very airy living room.

I will organize a housewarming party next week. It is not going to be a huge party. Only close friends and relatives will join. It will probably be held in my house. I would be happy if you could come. I will send you an instruction how to get to my house later on.

I look forward to receiving you reply.

Yours Sincerely,
Ivan Ivanov

[Maimiti_Isabella]

...

Как-то все...

Если бы вы были рядом, то за 5 минут об'яснила бы... (хочется в это верить... )

Давайте так. Я вам даю предложение, а вы мне скажите, о чем должна идти речь в след. предложении (чур не подглядывать):

It is not surprising that fashion trends are becoming very important for modern youngsters.

1. какова главная идея этого предложния?
2. развейте тему, можно на русском

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Всем привет
Посмотри плиз letter:
You have recently move to a different house.
Write a letter to an English speaking friend.
In you letter Explain
- why you have moved
- Describe the new house
- Invite your friend to come and visit

Dear Mike,

I recently moved to another house because my previous lease was up. I asked my landlord to renew it but he said that he would sell this place in order to make way for the construction of a parking lot.

However, I am not upset about it at all. I have moved to another beautiful house with a nice white picket fence, pastel siding and a gable roof. There is an amazing lawn with minimal landscaping nearby. Indoors everything is designed in a classic style; wooden panels on the walls, all brand new furniture and very airy living room.

I will organize a housewarming party next week. It is not going to be a huge party. Only close friends and relatives will join. It will probably be held in my house. I would be happy if you could come. I will send you an instruction how to get to my house later on.

I look forward to receiving you reply.

Yours Sincerely,
Ivan Ivanov

То что выделенно зеленым - монотонно и скучно. Коротенькие предложения, практически все начинаются или концентрируются на 'Я', никакого разнообразия! Слишком много слов не несущих смысловой нагрузки. И не совсем подходящий выбор грамматики.

Will you try to re-phrase this or would you like me to show you what I mean and how this can be re-phrased?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people believe that children are either born with certain talents for sport or music or they are not. Others claim that any child can be taught to become a good sportsman or musician. The arguments on both sides will be discussed in this essay.

В задании for instance for sport or music. Т.е. вообще о разных талантах (например...). А вы все вступление пишете только именно об этих талантах. Явная проблема с Task Achievement