My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[agronom]

Посмотрите на письмо, пожалуйста. Можно ли что-то улучшить?

You have borrowed something from your friend for a party, but it was damaged during a party. Write a letter to your friend and say:
•What was it
•How was it damaged
•What will you do about it?

Dear Mike,

I’m writing with regard to the vinyl record player which you gave me for my house party. I’m really sorry to say that the needle on it broke during the event.

Just in case you don’t remember, I borrowed the Technics-101, which was the best specimen of your collection of retro audio players. It looked pretty imposing due to its enormous size and dark color. In fact, it reminded me of my grandfather’s old appliances.

My friends and I played a lot of vinyl that night, changing the tracks quite frequently. We were so energetic that the guests crowded around the equipment to watch our performance. Unfortunately, the drunkest guy at the party tried to move the needle while a record was playing. As a result, it cracked.

Don’t be upset, though. I've had my musical equipment repaired several times in the past and I know a good specialist who will fix the problem really quickly. I’ll certainly cover the costs and return the device to you as soon as possible.

I hope you can overlook my regrettable error.

Best regards,
Ilya

Письмо хорошее-но не другу. Слишком формальное. Нужно хотя бы поинтересоваться его делами. Поблагодарить за магнитафон. И да-я тоже учил что зеленом больше относится к кухонным делам. По край мере неформально.

[agronom]

Долбаный корректировщик-эплаенс

[Dremlin]

It cracked - правильно, т.к. описывается последовательность действий.
Я ж пишу не kitchen appliances а просто appliances
Формальность - да
А подпись справа - это откуда?

It cracked? Может тогда it is cracked.
Про подпись:
Например:
Hope to see you soon.

---------------------------- Take care,
---------------------------- Ilya

[agronom]

It cracked - правильно, т.к. описывается последовательность действий.
Я ж пишу не kitchen appliances а просто appliances
Формальность - да
А подпись справа - это откуда?

Насчет cracked-он же не сам сломался. Может has been cracked?

[illi4]

It cracked? Может тогда it is cracked.
Про подпись:
Например:
Hope to see you soon.

---------------------------- Take care,
---------------------------- Ilya

Вас кто-то учил ставить подпись справа? Почему нужно так делать, я не пойму Я гуглил и ничего не нашёл.

[ArthurK]

К вашему вниманию первое самостоятельно эссе. Заранее спасибо за исправления и советы.

We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in businesses, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used for in the future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we he more auspicious of their benefits?

Computers are covered our lives and became a part of it. We use them as a part of our leisure, work and science. People even found a way to integrate new technologies in many useful ways such as business, medical equipment and transportation. It seems that in the future computers will take the bigger part of our lives than now and we will meet them instead of many traditional people’s positions like teachers in the schools.

Invention and surrounding ourselves with computers took an important role in the progress, but it can bring to people’s isolation as it is important part of communication.
First of all new technologies are making our lives easier. They are saving time, money, and very often even think for us. Young generation use computers for joy, playing video games. Older people made computers unreplaceable tool in their professions.
Architects use software to create prototypes of new building, police use computer to investigate crimes.
It is clear that computers took an important part in our lives.

From the other hand using new technologies as a way to communicate between people deserves attention. For instance ,people prefer to use internet to speak with relatives rather then visit them.
It shows that people are less trying to communicate in a traditional way while they use computer technologies. From my point of view computers are damaging actual communication as long as they are used for connection between computer and a computer. This shows how computers can cause on the humans relationships.

To provide a summary, dependence on computers is necessary part of modern life, but it can make absolute traditional ways of people’s communication. Without a doubt we can’t imagine our today’s life without new technologies but we must be careful to not let the screens replace a human being.

[illi4]

Очень много ошибок И ещё, у вас как параграфы организованы? Один сплошной текст, непонятно, где вы начинаете новый.
На вопросы из задания вы, к сожалению, не ответили вообще.

К вашему вниманию первое самостоятельно эссе. Заранее спасибо за исправления и советы.

We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in businesses, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used for in the future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we he more auspicious of their benefits?

Computers are covered our lives and became a part of it. We use them as a part of our leisure, work and science. People even found a way to integrate new technologies in many useful ways such as business, medical equipment and transportation. It seems that in the future computers will take the bigger part of our lives than now and we will meet them instead of many traditional people’s positions like teachers in the schools.
Invention and surrounding ourselves with computers took an important role in the progress, but it can bring to people’s isolation as it is important part of communication.
First of all new technologies are making our lives easier. They are saving time, money, and very often even think for us. Young generation use computers for joy, playing video games. Older people made computers unreplaceable tool in their professions.
Architects use software to create prototypes of new building, police use computer to investigate crimes.
It is clear that computers took an important part in our lives.
From the other hand using new technologies as a way to communicate between people deserves attention. For instance ,people prefer to use internet to speak with relatives rather then visit them.
It shows that people are less trying to communicate in a traditional way while they use computer technologies. From my point of view computers are damaging actual communication as long as they are used for connection between computer and a computer. This shows how computers can cause on the humans relationships.
To provide a summary, dependence on computers is necessary part of modern life, but it can make absolute traditional ways of people’s communication. Without a doubt we can’t imagine our today’s life without new technologies but we must be careful to not let the screens replace a human being.

[ArthurK]

Очень много ошибок И ещё, у вас как параграфы организованы? Один сплошной текст, непонятно, где вы начинаете новый.

параграфы исправил, копипэйст подвел.

[illi4]

параграфы исправил, копипэйст подвел.

Ага. Второй параграф должен быть о том, как компьютеры будут использоваться в будущем, а вы пишете о том, что происходит сейчас очень общими словами, плюс у вас просто список несвязанных идей.
В третьем должна быть ваша позиция и пояснения, почему вы так думаете, а не рассуждения на тему.

Ошибки исправлять не возьмусь, их слишком много, иногда даже непонятно, что вы имели в виду

PS Не изобретайте велосипед (я про фразы вроде "to provide summary"), посмотрите примеры эссе и типичные словосочетания.

[ArthurK]

Ага. Второй параграф должен быть о том, как компьютеры будут использоваться в будущем, а вы пишете о том, что происходит сейчас очень общими словами, плюс у вас просто список несвязанных идей.
В третьем должна быть ваша позиция и пояснения, почему вы так думаете, а не рассуждения на тему.

Ошибки исправлять не возьмусь, их слишком много, иногда даже непонятно, что вы имели в виду

PS Не изобретайте велосипед (я про фразы вроде "to provide summary"), посмотрите примеры эссе и типичные словосочетания.

Спасибо. Первый блин комом... читаю вашу статью о том как готовились. Надеюсь качество улучшится.

[Omelichkin]

Здравствуйте!!

Покритикуйте пожалуйста эссешечку.

In many countries, young people are moving from rural areas to cities to work or study. Why is this happening? What are advantages or disadvantages of this trend?

These days more and more youngsters prefer to leave their native land in a rural area and get an education and work in cities. The main reason for this trend as well as some advantages will be considered in this essay.

To begin with, many countries have a poor agriculture because of the lack of modern technologies or suitable weather or ground conditions. For example, in Russia the winter lasts as many as six months and despite the enormous amount of agricultural areas it is very difficult to get a good harvest which would be enough to feed the whole country and to export it for a profit. Hence some countries decided that they should develop a heavy industry and forget about farming. As a result, young people do not see where they can apply their talents in a countryside and they realize that there are no both the opportunity to get a good education and to get a good job to earn enough money and to achieve the high standard of living. In my opinion that is the main cause why young people are trying to move to big industrial cities.

Nevertheless, this process has a number of positive sides. First and foremost, in a city youngsters are able to get a good education and become familiar with all modern technologies and facilities in the area they choose for the further work. After they have got these skills and knowledge they might choose whether they stay in a city and work at a factory or they come back to a rural area and apply all they know to improve agricultural. I suppose it to be the most important advantage in moving of young people from rural areas to cities.

In conclusion, more and more young people move from their villages to large cities mostly because of the poor conditions in agricultural sector of economy. There are a great deal of advantages in this trend and I am inclined to believe that it will continue in the nearest ten to twenty years.

[Polina_K]

Покритикуйте пожалуйста эссешечку.

In many countries, young people are moving from rural areas to cities to work or study. Why is this happening? What are advantages or disadvantages of this trend?

These days more and more youngsters prefer to leave their native land in a rural area and get an education and work in cities. The main reason for this trend as well as some advantages will be considered in this essay.

To begin with, many countries have a poor agriculture because of the lack of modern technologies or suitable weather or ground conditions. For example, in Russia the winter lasts as many as six months and despite the enormous amount of agricultural areas it is very difficult to get a good harvest which would be enough to feed the whole country and to export it for a profit. Hence some countries decided that they should develop a heavy industry and forget about farming. As a result, young people do not see where they can apply their talents in a countryside and they realize that there are no both the opportunity to get a good education and to get a good job to earn enough money and to achieve the high standard of living. In my opinion that is the main cause why young people are trying to move to big industrial cities.

Nevertheless, this process has a number of positive sides. First and foremost, in a city youngsters are able to get a good education and become familiar with all modern technologies and facilities in the area they choose for the further work. After they have got these skills and knowledge they might choose whether they stay in a city and work at a factory or they come back to a rural area and apply all they know to improve agricultural. I suppose it to be the most important advantage in moving of young people from rural areas to cities.

In conclusion, more and more young people move from their villages to large cities mostly because of the poor conditions in agricultural sector of economy. There are a great deal of advantages in this trend and I am inclined to believe that it will continue in the nearest ten to twenty years.

1) Вы не полностью ответили на второй вопрос, так что TR не больше 5

2) Здесь не спрашивают Ваше мнение, так что фразы I suppose, In my opinion не подходят

3) Проверьте в словаре - исчисляемые или неисчисляемые следующие слова:
education
agriculture
industry
countryside
profit (в конструкции "for profit")

Например, здесь
Macmillan Dictionary and Thesaurus: Free English Dictionary Online

4) много повторов

5) частые грамматические и лексические ошибки, но не затрудняют понимание

6) простовата лексика, есть ошибки на части речи

[Omelichkin]

Polina_K, Благодарю

[Omelichkin]

Polina_K, Полина, могу ли я попросить у Вас одно уточнение. Не полностью ответили на второй вопрос означает что не приведены disadvantages?

[Polina_K]

Polina_K, Полина, могу ли я попросить у Вас одно уточнение. Не полностью ответили на второй вопрос означает что не приведены disadvantages?

Верно. Вам нужно было раскрыть все три части задания, иначе сразу же по первому критерию оценки (Task Response) - addresses the task only partially
http://www.ielts.org/PDF/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf