My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[illi4]

Спасибо что обратили внимание на это.
Просто я вначале написала I strongly believe, поэтому влепила здесь in my opinion...
Лучше вначале использовать in my opinion, а в конце I firmly believe that.

Со Стейси не занимался. Кристофера порекомендую, только он многим кажется слишком жестким.

[NortT]

Привет, друзья! После полуторамесячного перерыва, посвященного подтягиванию listening, получилось вот такое вот на мой взгляд весьма сумбурное эссе Проверьте, покритикуйте, спасибо

Тема из Кэмбрдиж 10.

The ownership of cars should be restricted to one per family in order to reduce traffic congestion and pollution. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In today’s world, the number of cars has grown dramatically. Some people argue that the fewer cars families have, the fewer environment related problems people face. Personally, I am inclined to agree with this opinion but not to the fullest extent.

Limiting the number of cars per family is one method to minimize traffic congestion and pollution. Statistics say that in the developed world most families have at least two cars or even more. Consequently, if the number of vehicles was limited, the amount of exhaust fumes and intensity of traffic would be reduced. This means that citizens would be able to travel faster and inhale air free of fumes. Therefore, the government might amend the national legislation and force people to have just one automobile per household.

However, the side effect of reducing the number of cars per family might present some challenges for many individuals. If people are forced to have just one car, couples would have to commute together rather than have the luxury of possessing their own cars and this would take much more time they spend on commuting. Secondly, some people would have to abandon their hobbies such as fishing or hunting. This is because special cars, such as SUVs, are necessary for these passions; however, consuming much more petrol than sedans, these types of cars are not suitable for everyday usage.

In conclusion, it is undeniable that governments have to deal with the problems of traffic jams and the polluted atmosphere. However, authorities should take actions which do not limit people’s freedom.

[sergey_a]

в боди параграфе, когда привожу пример пишу его следующим образом (как заготовку):
An example of Ukraine is very useful in this case. According to the latest researches, that were conducted by Ukrainian Social Institute, during the last decade people’s desire...

Does it sound good?

Подскажите еще, пожалуйста, в боди я описал что хотел, привел пример и перешел к следующему параграфу? Или после примера еще что-то писать в этом же параграфе?


NortT contamination можно использовать как синоним к pollution.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

NortT,
possess and own are synonyms but their meaning is different. In your case, 'own a car' would be the preferred option.

passions --> pastime

at least two cars or even more - at least already means... at least. What's the purpose of using 'or even more'

However, authorities should take actions which do not limit people’s freedom. - Перепешите предложение, начав с Other actions (в теме задания вообще ничего нет об authorities. Т.е. вы почему-то в Заключении сместили акцент)

Есть, конечно, и другие проблемы, но...

Кстати, вы знаете слово reservations? I have certain reservations about the implications / the idea / the implementation, etc

[NortT]

Maimiti_Isabella,
1. В таком виде как сейчас на 7 тянет или не очень?
2. Не понял, как переписать предложение, можно разжевать по детальнее?
3. Нет, не знаю такого слова. Ну т.е. не знал. Попробую его использовать, после того как пойму про п.2

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella,
1. В таком виде как сейчас на 7 тянет или не очень?

Только-только. Запаса нет

2. Не понял, как переписать предложение, можно разжевать по детальнее?

В английском предложении, как правило, самая важная информация стоит в начале предложения. Таким образом, начас со слова authorities вы смещаете акцент эссе, так как в задании ничего об authorities не сказано.
Начните предложение с Other actions, т.е.
продолжите предложение:
Other actions

3. Нет, не знаю такого слова. Ну т.е. не знал. Попробую его использовать, после того как пойму про п.2

В данном случае значение 2
reservation - definition of reservation in English from the Oxford dictionary

[Pashich]

Привет, друзья! После полуторамесячного перерыва, посвященного подтягиванию listening, получилось вот такое вот на мой взгляд весьма сумбурное эссе Проверьте, покритикуйте, спасибо

Тема из Кэмбрдиж 10.

The ownership of cars should be restricted to one per family in order to reduce traffic congestion and pollution. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In today’s world, the number of cars has grown dramatically. Some people argue that the fewer cars families have, the fewer environment related problems people face. Personally, I am inclined to agree with this opinion but not to the fullest extent.

Limiting the number of cars per family is one method to minimize traffic congestion and pollution. Statistics say that in the developed world most families have at least two cars or even more. Consequently, if the number of vehicles was limited, the amount of exhaust fumes and intensity of traffic would be reduced. This means that citizens would be able to travel faster and inhale air free of fumes. Therefore, the government might amend the national legislation and force people to have just one automobile per household.

However, the side effect of reducing the number of cars per family might present some challenges for many individuals. If people are forced to have just one car, couples would have to commute together rather than have the luxury of possessing their own cars and this would take much more time they spend on commuting. Secondly, some people would have to abandon their hobbies such as fishing or hunting. This is because special cars, such as SUVs, are necessary for these passions; however, consuming much more petrol than sedans, these types of cars are not suitable for everyday usage.

In conclusion, it is undeniable that governments have to deal with the problems of traffic jams and the polluted atmosphere. However, authorities should take actions which do not limit people’s freedom.

Мне кажется что на 7ку не вытянет, т.к. проблемы с task responce и coh&coh низкий.

Some people argue that the fewer cars families have, the fewer environment related problems people face.
Personally, I am inclined to agree with this opinion but not to the fullest extent.

Нелогичность1: вы пишите some people argue...., а в след. предложении "я согласен с этим мнением." но это было не мнение.

Нелогичность2: Consequently, if the number of vehicles was limited, the amount of exhaust fumes and intensity of traffic would be reduced. This means that citizens would be able to travel faster and inhale air free of fumes.
Как связана эта идея "This means that citizens would be able to travel faster" с первым предложеием - в корне непонятно

If people are forced to have just one car, couples?(what hapenned with all other people?) would have to commute together rather
than have the luxury of possessing their own cars and this would take much more time they spend on commuting.

This is because special cars, such as SUVs, are necessary for these passions; however, consuming much more petrol than sedans, these types of cars are not suitable for everyday usage.
--мне кажется это off top

В conclusion - нет вашего opinion

[NortT]

В английском предложении, как правило, самая важная информация стоит в начале предложения. Таким образом, начас со слова authorities вы смещаете акцент эссе, так как в задании ничего об authorities не сказано.
Начните предложение с Other actions, т.е.
продолжите предложение:
Other actions

Я все равно не понимаю о каких other actions идет речь, хоть убей
В первом предложении "In conclusion, it is undeniable that governments have to deal with the problems of traffic jams and the polluted atmosphere" ведь ни о каких конкретных actions нет речи, соответственно про other actions я не могу написать.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Я все равно не понимаю о каких other actions идет речь, хоть убей
В первом предложении "In conclusion, it is undeniable that governments have to deal with the problems of traffic jams and the polluted atmosphere" ведь ни о каких конкретных actions нет речи, соответственно про other actions я не могу написать.

But in the second sentence you do talk about 'actions'.

If we cancel 'other', will it make easier for you to understand? All I'm doing is getting rid of the current subject to refocus your sentence on 'actions' rather than 'authorities'.

(Certain / Other) Actions ....

[NortT]

Да, кажется я понял о чем вы. Исправленное в курсиве.

In conclusion, it is undeniable that governments have to deal with the problems of traffic jams and the polluted atmosphere. However, actions which might be taken in order to solve the negative effects of the excessive amount of cars should not limt people's freedom.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Да, кажется я понял о чем вы. Исправленное в курсиве.

actions which might be taken in order to solve the negative effects of the excessive amount of cars should not limit people's freedom.

--> actions taken in order to address / tackle the negative effects of the excessive number of cars should not limit people's freedom.

(one cannot 'solve' the effects)

[Alex-780]

Посмотрите мое "творение" плиз)

Дорогие форумчане! Оцените сколько можно получить за это "творение"?)
Подскажите какие ошибки. Спасибо!

Every year several languages die out. Some people think that this is not important because life will be easier if there are fewer languages in the world.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


Nowadays we really could see obvious trend of reduction quantity of rare languages. This situation can be explained by growing of globalization all over the world: many people move from one country to another, from country to cities because of transformation of the world economy.

Irrefutable, that such tides have plenty of advantages: people could travel easier, because everyone can attend more countries using the same language, meet and converse with new people. For instance, we could hardly impress some years ago that we might travel China or Korea s lightly as nowadays, and even such countries as Namibia. Obviously, that it becomes possible owing t development and transformation of communication, which influence on the languages. As the result, quite many languages wipes out.

Nevertheless, apparently we can lose something very important according to such progression. As a matter of fact, it is known that each language has its own identity and eventually defines national originality. For example, I heard that there are just several persons in Alaska know domestic indigenous language and therefore, this language is going to die. It is quire disappointed fact which support a contention those, who think that existing rare languages carries great weight.

From my point of view, we could try to maintain being rare languages, because it is incredibly important for domestic culture and identity for many societies or tribes. I strongly believe that such benefits as easier travelling or total globalization do not hold water in contrast with negative things, which take play owing to that.

[illi4]

Alex-780, у Вас ярый рунглиш, ошибки с артиклями и предлогами, и на вопрос задания вы не отвечаете. Максимум 6.5.

[Pashich]

Дорогие форумчане! Оцените сколько можно получить за это "творение"?)
Подскажите какие ошибки. Спасибо! .

Выше 6-ки вряд-ли поставят. Слишком много рунглиша, грамматических ошибок артиклей, и лишних запятых.
Идеи были ничего, но стиль написания эссе - не выдержан в IELTS требованиях. Conclusion написан как-будто бы ваще не по английски -)))

[Alex-780]

illi4,

Alex-780, у Вас ярый рунглиш, ошибки с артиклями и предлогами, и на вопрос задания вы не отвечаете. Максимум 6.5.

Согласен...как бы от рунглиша уйти...А с предлогами где ошибки не подскажете?