My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Dremlin]

Спасибо Полина!
Как думаете, на сколько тянет?

[Polina_K]

Спасибо Полина!
Как думаете, на сколько тянет?

Тут лучше бы прокомментировал более сведущий асессор. По моим личным ощущениям, 7.5 или 7.0

Если бы убрать ошибки на артикли и пунктуацию, смотрелось бы гораздо привлекательнее. Эти темы вполне реально повторить по нескольким учебникам по грамматике и при помощи интернет-ресурсов.

Да, ещё осторожнее с возможным over use коннекторов

[Goran Dražić]

Dremlin, here is something extra for you:

• experience to work - work experience
• to get a job on the labor market - tautology. Can one get a job not on a lobour market. By the way, are you trying to use Am or Br English?
• employers choose well-educated people due to their ... ability to work hard - are you saying that hard-working is something you learn in college?
• in workplaces - in the workplace
• manage with the time - manage time
• that graduates a more attractive for companies - a->are. I guess it's just a slip.
• to get a degree at first - at first ->first. AT FIRST is something else.
• whatever an option - no article

I would give your essay 6.5. There are some

• vocabulary problems - with collocations, style;
• cohesion problems - sentences are too long(37 words in the second paragraph's topic sentence), some sentences are not logically connected;

I would also rewrite topic sentences to make them more topic-related. Your topic is about success, not chances of getting a job or having more experience. You see, it is in the topic sentence that a reader gets an idea of what your paragraph is about, so it would be a better idea if it is as much connected with the topic as possible. You understand what I am talking about, right?

[Dremlin]

Thanks a lot Goran Dražić! It's a great worth for me,

[*]employers choose well-educated people due to their ... ability to work hard - are you saying that hard-working is something you learn in college?

I don't say that university only learns students to work hard but it is the one of most challenging obstacles in their lives.

I would also rewrite topic sentences to make them more topic-related. Your topic is about success, not chances of getting a job or having more experience. You see, it is in the topic sentence that a reader gets an idea of what your paragraph is about, so it would be a better idea if it is as much connected with the topic as possible. You understand what I am talking about, right?

Yeap, I see.

[Goran Dražić]

I don't say that university only learns -> teaches students to work hard but it is the one of most challenging obstacles in their lives.

I am not sure I got what you were saying. Can you explain what is the correlation between well-educated people and hard work? Maybe that will clear up everything for me.

[ManunyaMunya]

Большое спасибо всем, кто разбирал мои эссе и помогал советами! Огромное Вам всем СПАСИБО!!!

[Dremlin]

I am not sure I got what you were saying. Can you explain what is the correlation between well-educated people and hard work? Maybe that will clear up everything for me.

Why employers think highly of well-educated people? Because they possess not only precious knowledge but also the ability to acquire it, being a purposeful and persistent person. Don't you think that these personal qualities do not characterize an individual as hard working person?

[Goran Dražić]

Why employers think highly of well-educated people? Because they possess not only precious knowledge but also the ability to acquire it, being a purposeful and persistent person. Don't you think that these personal qualities do not characterize an individual as hard working person?

Now I see. It's a valid idea actually.
But! The fact that you had to explain it to me means that there are some problems with logical coherence or maybe I am not that brainy

[Goran Dražić]

Большое спасибо всем, кто разбирал мои эссе и помогал советами! Огромное Вам всем СПАСИБО!!!

Congrats

[will.i.am]

Всем привет! Давно не писал ни письмо ни эссе . Из Cambridge Practice Tests 2.

You travelled by plane last week and your suitcase was lost.
You have still heard nothing from the airline company.

Write to the airline and explain what happened. Describe your suitcase and tell them what was in it. Find out what they are going to do about it.

You do NOT need to write your own address.

Begin your letter as follows:

Dear ..............................,

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing to you in regard to the suitcase that was lost during the trip on your airline and which is still not found.

Last week I returned to Awkland from Amsterdam by the flight 325816 of your airlines. After passing the passport control and approaching the luggage issuance I did not find there the suitcase that belonged to me. After requesting to the luggage department it turned out that my suitcase was lost someway. The staff members reassured me that my problem would be solved within a couple of days, however, nothing still heard from your company.

Let me provide you with some details about the suit case just in any case. It is a travelling bag which approximate dimension is about 50x75x25 cm with retractable holder and little wheels on the bottom of it. It has quite a hard case coveed with natural leather of black color and the brandname "Saggy" on the top left corner. Inside my suitcase I had all my papers from work, a couple of books, some stationery and my belongings.

I would like to know what actions are endevoured to find the loss. You could sent the above-mentioned information to my mail or reach me by the phone number 336718245276.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully,

Mr. Roodman

==============================================

Millions of people every year move to English-speaking countries such as Australia, Britain or America, in order to study at school, college or university.

Why do so many people want to study in English?

Why is English such an important international language?

Give reasons for your answer.

For the past few decades people's attitude to English language has changed extremely. Due to the fact that most of English-speaking countries are wealthy and fluent in many areas, nowadays, English language is primary means of international communication. Therefore, more and more people make their best to study in such countries where English language is widely spoken. This will be shown by analyzing the benefits of living in English-speaking environment for mastering the language as well as an influence of that countries on evaluation and acceptance of their education.

Firstly, in such countries where English language is widely spoken extremely reduces the time one could spend for getting the strong knowledge of language. for instance, compare students who learn the language in their native-speaking habitat with those who study English in it's natural environment. The first who learn the language domestically often face with the lack of experience with native speakers while the second who study in english-speaking countries have opportunity to improve their language skills with seven-league steps having a lot of practice with local. This example graphically demonstrates how natural-speaking environment influences fruitfully on learning English language.

In addition to this, the fact that English-speaking countries have a great authority all over the world positively influence on the extent of respect in relation to their education. Take, for example, two graduates where one graduated from domestic university and another one from educational institution of English-speaking country. The first one would be acceptable only in local organizations whereas the other one would be welcomed in any point of the globe. With this comparison it is more than evident that education in English-speaking countries is extremely beneficial and promising.

After analyzing the influence of English-speaking environment on studying the language and benefits of English countries' education for future career it is clear what causes students around the world to be attracted by English speaking countries. It is predicted that this tendency will be kept for a long time in the future.

Благодарю заранее.

[Polina_K]

Всем привет! Давно не писал ни письмо ни эссе . Из Cambridge Practice Tests 2.

1) Письмо получше, чем эссэ
2) Основные проблемы - со стилем, особенно с согласованием. Не стоит лепить герундий к месту и не к месту . Очень прослеживается "Russian thinking", в частности:

After passing the passport control

Inside my suitcase I had

This will be shown by analyzing

in such countrines where English language is widely spoken

while the second who study in

Take, for example,

With this comparison it is more than evident

After analyzing the influence of English-speaking environment on studying the language... - неправильно согласованное предложение

3) Не рекомендовала бы использовать в эссэ повелительное наклонение

4) Также проблемы с topic sentences

5) Плохо раскрыт вопрос "Why is English such an important international language?", который должен был быть аргументирован во втором абзаце тела

6) Рекомендации - усвоить порядок слов в английском языке, прочесть книгу Virginia Evans Successful Writing Proficiency и тщательно проанализировать эссэ на 9 из блога simon-ielts
Чтобы потихоньку избавляться от русского мышления, нужно больше читать. Да, ещё может быть полезна Линн Виссон «Русские проблемы в английской речи (слова и фразы в контексте двух культур)»

[Parent]

IELTS 26.05.12.: L8.0 R9.0 W6.5 S7.5
IELTS 26.05.12.: L7.0 R9.0 W7.0 S7.5

Надо понимать, что это результат апелляции? Райтинг подняли - поздравляю! А почему лиснинг понизили?

[Dremlin]

Надо понимать, что это результат апелляции? Райтинг подняли - поздравляю! А почему лиснинг понизили?

Ошибочка у нее в подписи. Последний результат она получила после сдачи 04.08.2012.

[Parent]

Ошибочка у нее в подписи. Последний результат она получила после сдачи 04.08.2012.

ManunyaMunya тем более поздравляю!
04.08.2012 - это наисчастливейший день сдачи! Мой сын тоже в этот день сдавал. Получил: L 8.0; R 9.0; W 8.0; S 8.5!!! Всем помогавшим, проверявшим, советовавшим и сочувствовавшим огромнейшее СПАСИБО! Особенная благодарность Maimiti_Isabella, Maria Mirabell, Goran Dražić, Vanderley.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

ManunyaMunya тем более поздравляю!
04.08.2012 - это наисчастливейший день сдачи! Мой сын тоже в этот день сдавал. Получил: R 8.0; L 9.0; W 8.0; S 8.5!!! Всем помогавшим, проверявшим, советовавшим и сочувствовавшим огромнейшее СПАСИБО! Особенная благодарность Maimiti_Isabella, Maria Mirabell, Goran Dražić, Vanderley.

Наконец-то собрался с силами и сдал! Все, виза в кармане?