My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Vanderley]

Интересно почему Вы считаете, что телепередачи, документальные фильмы etc. не увеличивают наши знания?

Я так не считаю, и никогда такого не говорил.

Мой поинт в том, что формулировки тем для настоящего экзамена всегда тщательно прорабатываются. Если там что-то конкретизируется, то это для сужения темы написания, а не для красного словца. А у нас с вами получается, что и для представленной формулировки и если из неё выкинуть фразы, которые мы выше обсуждали, эссе можно писать одинаковые, как у вас и получилось.

Так вот, я всё же считаю, что в оригинале тема звучала иначе и там либо этих слов вообще не было и тогда можно писать о всем том, о чем вы писали, либо там было напичано более конкретно и тогда надо писать не в общем про получение знаний, а на более узкую тему.

Так как оригинала задания мы с вами не найдём, предлагаю эту тему закрыть как патовую.

[Aneery]

Мой поинт в том, что формулировки тем для настоящего экзамена всегда тщательно прорабатываются. Если там что-то конкретизируется, то это для сужения темы написания, а не для красного словца.

Согласен на 100%. В вопросе нет ничего лишнего, всё имеет значение. Мой IELTS tutor говорил, что если что-то уточняют в вопросе, то нужно не увиливать, а писать в сугубо заданных рамках. В примере, как мне показалось, речь шла о развитии после учебы.
В общем, анализ вопроса это очень важный момент.

[АнатолийI]

В усиленной борьбе за listening skill забросил я writing, что делать нельзя.
Засим моё письмо и эссе (темы взяты из книги по подготовке by Dr.Nurul Anam), прошу критиковать:

ПисьмоYou have arranged plan for travel and accomadation for your friends.Write a letter to them and:
-remind them about the plans
-give them the details of accomadation
-suggest what things they should bring to the trip

Dear Alex and Carl,
I am writing to remind you regarding our plan for next weekend.

I hope you remember our idea to visit the country to enjoy silence around there and spend two days on fishing. In this letter, I would like to give you a few details of this journey only. Generally, there will be my advice concerning accomodation. I remember all our previous trips and know how we appreciate every minute of the rest. Therefore, I booked a comfortable house near the target, the Big Lake. We could find all necessary things there, such as dishes, food and some rented equipment for fishing. However, I suggest to everybody bring their successful fishing tackles as well as suitable clothing and shoes in case of rain or wind. Also, please do not forget to bring up your torches and gas lamps because of lack of electricity there.

I am looking forward to see you at our final meeting on the next Thursday, 25th of August.
Yours,
Anatoly

[Vanderley]

АнатолийI, 3 булет поинта - 3 отдельных параграфа, иначе пострадает CC за неумение пользоваться параграфами и вероятнее всего TA за нераскрытие/недостаточное раскрытие булет поинтов.

Из остального:

• слишком формальное для письма другу introduction sentence. Как насчет Hey, how have you been doing lately.
• раббиш в вашем единственнном параграфе. Незачем писать "в этом письме я вам расскажу про ... В особенности ...". У вас 150 слов и надо по максимуму раскрыть ваши булет поинты.

[АнатолийI]

Эссе: Physical exercise helps to build up body and mind. Therefore, physical exercise should be mandatory to the school students. Discuss this issue and give your opinion.

Nowadays, physical activity plays an important role in people's life and for children, in particular. There is an opinion that physical exercise should be as the mandatory element of school schedule for all pupils. Generally, I agree with this point and I will explain my view below.

To start with, I claim physical exercise allows pupils to be fit themselves and, moreover, build up their grown bodies. In addition, mental health needs in such activity too. Therefore, there are a few reasons to support the idea of mandatory exercise at school. First of all, few children could be self-discipline in this case. Most of them would rather prefer to play electronic games or chat with their classmates than try to use some free time for exercise. If school's rules demand on kids to do it anyway, it will give more possibilities to care children health. Secondly, modern schools give their pupils a lot of opportunities as well as lack of enough hours for sports. However, it cannot be said that compulsory education do not pay attention to this issue, but number of overweighted children grows, unfortunately. The bad eyesight and unfit muscles are consequences of little physical activity. At the third, it is well-known that some pupils who are hyperactive should be helped to direct their vast energy doing exercise instead of fighting each other or doing something illegal else.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that mandatory phisical exercise improves children health and clear their mind in conditions of daily school lessons.

[Vyacheslav16]

Physical exercise helps to build up body and mind. Therefore, physical exercise should be mandatory to the school students. Discuss this issue and give your opinion.

Интересное задание. После первых двух предложений ожидаешь "Do you agree or disagree?" Можно ли в случае, если просят discuss, все равно писать argument essay? В задании мнение гипотетической второй стороны не дано, хотя подразумевается. Кто что думает?

[Vyacheslav16]

To start with, I claim physical exercise allows pupils to be fit themselves and, moreover, build up their grown bodies. In addition, mental health needs in such activity too. Therefore, there are a few reasons to support the idea of mandatory exercise at school. First of all,

Как-то therefore на мой взгляд не вяжется здесь. Вы же причины после этого приводите.

АнатолийI, много используете слово pupils. Можно иногда использовать более современное из задания students.
Над структурой хорошо думали? Где-то у Вас один абзац потерялся?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

....

Решила вмешаться не в свое дело, поэтому заранее прошу прощения.

1. По какому учебнику Вы занимаетесь английским? 2. Прочитали и проанализировали ли Вы вот это, с точки зрения vocabulary and collocations (потому что если вы читали, то я не понимаю, как вообще вы могли использовать слово schedule вместо curriculum)?

[АнатолийI]

Интересное задание. После первых двух предложений ожидаешь "Do you agree or disagree?" Можно ли в случае, если просят discuss, все равно писать argument essay? В задании мнение гипотетической второй стороны не дано, хотя подразумевается. Кто что думает?

Присоединюсь к вопросу. Потому как, на мой взгляд, задание не требовало discuss the opposite view.

Как-то therefore на мой взгляд не вяжется здесь. Вы же причины после этого приводите.

АнатолийI, много используете слово pupils. Можно иногда использовать более современное из задания students.
Над структурой хорошо думали? Где-то у Вас один абзац потерялся?

принято. Так? :
Besides that, there are a few other reasons to support...


для меня students и школьники никак воедино не увязываются, к сожалению.хотя Да, раз в задании было, не грех было разнообразить

про потерянный абзац - it depends on answer our previous question, doesn't it?

Решила вмешаться не в свое дело, поэтому заранее прошу прощения.

1. По какому учебнику Вы занимаетесь английским? 2. Прочитали и проанализировали ли Вы вот это, с точки зрения vocabulary and collocations (потому что если вы читали, то я не понимаю, как вообще вы могли использовать слово schedule вместо curriculum)?

Maimiti, you quite polite You know, I appreciate your opinion, so I never worry getting useful criticism
Unfortunately, I cannot boast of right prepair approach using different literature for that. In addition, I am really sorry that I still haven't read all your useful reading, but I promise to reform

Thanks you all.

[Dremlin]

Эссе: Physical exercise helps to build up body and mind. Therefore, physical exercise should be mandatory to the school students. Discuss this issue and give your opinion.

Nowadays, physical activity plays an important role in people's life and for children, in particular. There is an opinion that physical exercise should be as the mandatory element of school schedule for all pupils. Generally, I agree with this point and I will explain my view below.

To start with, I claim physical exercise allows pupils to be fit themselves and, moreover, build up their grown bodies. In addition, mental health needs in such activity too. Therefore, there are a few reasons to support the idea of mandatory exercise at school. First of all, few children could be self-discipline in this case. Most of them would rather prefer to play electronic games or chat with their classmates than try to use some free time for exercise. If school's rules demand on kids to do it anyway, it will give more possibilities to care children health. Secondly, modern schools give their pupils a lot of opportunities as well as lack of enough hours for sports. However, it cannot be said that compulsory education do not pay attention to this issue, but number of overweighted children grows, unfortunately. The bad eyesight and unfit muscles are consequences of little physical activity. At the third, it is well-known that some pupils who are hyperactive should be helped to direct their vast energy doing exercise instead of fighting each other or doing something illegal else.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that mandatory phisical exercise improves children health and clear their mind in conditions of daily school lessons.

Добрый день. Надеюсь Вам помогут мои замечания.
1. Вам нужно было обсудить проблематику обязательных уроков "физры" и необязательных. Т.е. в классике один параграф за и один против. Т.е. Вы пишите "Generally, I agree with this point and I will explain my view below.". А нужно было написать что-то вроде "Both sides of the issue will be discussed in this essay".
2. Это академическое эссе и старайтесь не использовать личные местоимения, кроме случаев, когда даете свой опинион. "I claim physical exercise" И почему я заявляю? И почему физическое упражнение?
3. У слова pupils также есть синонимы, например schoolchildren. В эссе также могли использовать the children или boys and girls.
4. school's rules - compound noun. without 's
5. If school's rules demand on kids to do it anyway, it will give more possibilities to care children health. - честно сказать звучит мягко сказать "странно" и местоимение it - rules???
6. children health - а вот здесь нужно children's
7. lack of enough hours - недостаток достатка часов?
8. Не используйте phrasal verbs в эссе.

P.S. Эссе очень слабенькое..

[Vanderley]

Foreign visitors should pay more than local visitors for cultural and historical attractions. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

A controversial issue has started to attract people's attention in society about the payment for visiting historically valuable places by tourists and residents. Some individuals claim that travelers should pay more than locals while others argue that it is unfair. I personally completely agree with the former opinion and it will be proved in this essay.

Firstly, there is no doubt that the money which are collected by galleries, museums and other historical attractions can help to support the physical condition of those places. In other words, the more investments come to the treasury of a host country from sightseers, the more opportunities the government has to keep historical places in better state. Thus, it is obvious that higher entrance fee there is fully justified.

Secondly, the price for the tickets in tourist attractions should be significantly lower or even free of charge for citizens because locals ought to have privileged access to their historical and cultural heritage. For instance, schoolchildren of host countries should have costless access to the most important places which will give them a chance to learn their culture and history deeper.

Finally, indeed, there should be limited quantity of visitors in ancient attractions because the individuals damage them. This can be illustrated by the fact when an American traveler broke the finger of the Virgin Mary 600-year-old statue in Italy. Therefore, the higher prices for the tickets could reduce the amount of the tourist flow and, consequently, diminish the detrimental impact of the holidaymakers.

To sum up, the question of the unequal payment for attendance of galleries, museums and other landmarks by locals and tourists has ambiguity and injustice to some extent. Nevertheless, I am inclined to believe that host people should have more opportunities and affordable access to visit historically and culturally significant places on their motherland which encourage them to keep their cultural identity and get to know the heritage of the nation.

По TA я солидарен с NestyIvan, который вам писал что первый и третий парграфы не совсем в точку. Со вторым полностью согласен - местные должны иметь более привилегированный доступ, особенно дети. Но если абстрагироваться от этой идеи, то не совсем понятно почему деньги в казну приносят только иностранцы(первый параграф) и почему угрозу представляют только иностранцы(третий параграф). Как по мне так эти доводы могут идти только в плотной привязке к идее из второго параграфа. Типа, если место оверкраудид и есть опасность того, что кто-то повредит скульптуру етц, то давайте при помощи цен ограничим доступ, но местным ограничивать нельзя(смотри второй параграф), поэтому давайте ограничим только иностранцам.

Как-то не совпадает у нас с вами обычно видение вопроса эссе и ответа на него Может я что-то перемудриваю...

GR ошибок я особо не вижу. Не хватает запятой в сложносочиненном предложении в первом абзаце. Во втором бп я бы ляпнул запятую перед which. Не нравится также which в конклюжне. Меня смущает то, что этот which вроде как относится к places, но тем не менее отделен от них небольшой фразой. Я бы наверное про motherland фразу выкинул, потому что вы уже и так написали про host people, ну и/или ляпнул запятую перед which, чтобы показывать что это доп инфа(non-defining clause).

По CC и LR прокомментирую вместе. Есть неудачные коллокейшны, несуществующие слова, слишком завернутые конструкции. Все это отвлекает и мешает следить за мыслей.

Давайте посмотрим на первое предложение.

A controversial issue has started to attract people's attention in society about the payment for visiting historically valuable places by tourists and residents.

Читается очень тяжело. Как по мне то тяжесть тут получается из-за:

• has started to attract - по-моему с перфектом здесь перебор. Я бы сделал просто Nowadays "some issue" attracts. Не вижу здесь has started.
• issue и about the payment ... разнесены по разным частям предложения. Должно быть вместе.
• people's attention in society - society это уже people, я бы одно из двух выкинул, чтобы сделать проще для понимания.
• очень сложно воспринимается последовательность in ... about ... for ... by ...

Ещё одна мысля - tourists и travelers не одно и то же что foreigners. Противопоставление tourists and residents выглядит странно. Я живу в Москве, а поехал в Карелию, я турист или резадент?

По остальному, давайте так сделаем. Комментировать коллокейшны трудновато и у меня пока недостаточно времени чтобы разбираться с каждым из них, поэтому давайте я выделю, что мне не нравится, а вы посмотрите и если захотите что-либо обсудить, то можно будет это сделать. Я могу быть где-то не прав, всё что я выделяю не обязательно ошибки, скорее просто вещи, которые можно посмотреть.

PS: ещё у вас получилось что price should be free of charge.

[Vanderley]

И для debugx:

Nowadays, sightseeing is increasingly getting popular - [getting increasingly popular] - and attractive - [убрать] - amongst a wide variety of leisure activities which people tend to do - [не уверен насчет to do an activity. Наверное to engage in an activity] - to relax and recharge their batteries. Especially foreigners are usually ready - [Как-то мне не нравятся especially и usually вместе. Как насчет cleft sentence - It is mostly tourists who ...] - to jump at the opportunity to visit a spectacular - [я бы убрал] - museum or monument. I personally believe that prices for them should be higher than for local citizens.

On the one hand, it is unacceptable for locals to pay a lot for sightseeing in their own country. Firstly, this - [на что указывает this?] - is part of their cultural heritage which rightfully belongs to them. Secondly, governments need in - [to need smth] - patriotic citizens because this is - [they are] - the first and foremost basis for - [basis of] - the prosperity of a - [the] - country. Moreover, - [не подходит как-то. У меня складывается впечатление что вы будете новый аргумент приводить, а вы продолжаете говорить про патриотизм.] - visiting museums and monuments can probably enhance - [правильнее boost. он больший патриот, а не он лучший патриот] - local people's patriotism. When natives attend an impressive exhibition in the Pushkin Palace in Moscow, for instance, they have the chance to immerse themself in the historical atmosphere and comprehend the remarkable achievements of their ancestors.

On the other side - [hand?] -, tourists who travel abroad are usually willing to spend much money for possibilities to be exposed to another culture, to expand their knowledge about other people, to broaden their horizons, etc. As this is in such good demand amongst foreigners, the prices should be correspondingly high. Otherwise, people will face a shortage of tickets to many kinds of recreational resources which are part of the cultural identity in a certain area. Secondly, the tourism industry is a quite lucrative business; it has a significant boost to the local economy. A considerable part of the income covers expenditures from - [on?] - recovering - [я не уверен что можно to recover a museum] - and reconstructing museums, monuments, etc. If foreign visitors paid less, many cultural attractions would be in pretty squalid conditions.

To conclude, it is clear that foreigners should be charged more for sightseeing than indigenous - [в америке indigenous people - это индейцы, а надо про локал, всех американцев] - people. This is quite beneficial for the local economy and it - [почему сначала this, а потом it?] - also leads to a higher rate of patriotism amongst local people.

[Dremlin]

Vanderley, спасибо большое за Ваши труды!
Попозже буду вкуривать, как улучшить свое творчество.

[NestyIvan]

Попинайте пожалуйста.

Attending sightseeings and places of culture is a common attribute of travelling. Societies all over the world are concerned whether foreigners or locals should be charged more for the access to those attractions. By several reasons I am inclined to believe that visitors from overseas should pay higher price.

Observing museums, galleries and other similar objects as a kind of service, this statement becomes obvious. In order to prepare such places for people from abroad, governments have to spend some resources on creating such facilities like hotels, convenient transport system and assistant services. Most foreigners do not speak the language of the country they visit and translation of all important information, road signs and guidelines for example, are strongly required. In addition, attending such attractions as Coliseum in Rome or Hermitage in Saint Petersburg is a method of learning the history and heritage of other countries. With additional amount of money from foreign tourists this process of education and entertaining might well be more convenient and qualified for them.

Despite the fact that some of those services are being used by local people as well, they still should not pay more. First of all, some part of the budget that filled with the taxes from citizens is spending on preserving objects of national heritage like museums, theatres and art galleries. Thus, citizens annually pay the bill and should have cheaper tickets, if not free. Moreover, this would be unfair, if they were forced to pay higher price, in fact, for visiting something they already own to some extent. From some point of time any painting, book, statue or building become to the national legacy. Therefore, it seems reasonable if locals will have more affordable access to it.

In conclusion, from my point of view, more expensive entrance to attractions for the people from abroad is a rational decision.

[Loon]

И меня тоже покритикуйте, пожалуйста. Мне послезавтра сдавать. Мне 6 хватит, так что не претендую на суперэссе.
Millions of people in the world do not have enough to eat. Causes and measures.

It is undoubtedly the case that humankind suffer from malnutrution and starvation in some areas in the world. There are two main reasons of lack of food and the authorities could implement some practical policies to reduce the number of starving people.

The first step is to understand why malnutrition occurs. To begin with, environment and corruption are main causes of this problem. Firstly, environment has an immense influence on the food production. As evidence of this, drought and desertification result in a damage of crop yields, expecially in the Southern countries. For instance, African countries have experienced starvation for many decades due to a harsh and hot climate conditions. The second reason is that politicians do not show enthusiasm to tackle this problem. Furthemore, the financial aids to poorer countries usually as not efficient as situation requires because local governs spent money for their own needs. Therefore, these factors inevitably lead to the occasion as known as starvation.

There is almost certainly no one solution to this problem given the complexity of its causes. However, one option has to be to use advanced technologies to reduce the harm which is caused by climate. To be more precise, people have the opportunity to grow cereal plants in the glasshouses regardless of climate as a result of contemporary achievements in science. The second solution is to stop the corruption by legislating strict punishments. If these punishments were strongly controlled, much more people would have enough food to eat. Finally, effective measures would result in providing provisions in starving regions.

Taking everything into consideration, there are a variety of different factors such as climate and finance that have led to rising levels of starvation and the government could deal with them by using modern technologies and law. However, what is clear is that in the future this problem will be solved by effective social programmes.

Заранее благодарю