My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Ветерок]

You are asked to write about the future and to give your opinion. I don't see any of those

He claims his own opinion: these days the availability of technologies does not depend on the level of income.

[Xaha2425]

Generally, my position is fortified by the following:
-PTE Essays are strictly academic, no "I think" phrases are allowed;
-PTE Essays are checked by a robot with no digging in the future-now-past logic . It simply checks grammar constructions, vocabulary and overall structure plus linking words. This can't be considered as strong human checks in IELTS.
-PTE Essays are 20 minutes limited only.

These are the main points.
Sorry mates for disturbing you from real IELTS essays checks.
Keep on criticizing awesome IELTS handwritten texts

[Marcella]

Задавайте через ЛС

Спасибо!! Отправила лс.

[Marcella]

Any better?


As a result of advances in medical care, average life expectancy is increasing for men and women. Do you think most people will see this as a positive development? What are the disadvantages of an ageing population for individuals and society? Support your point of view with reasons and/or examples from your own experience or observations.




Recent achievements in medicine, such as an introducing of new drugs and cures, has led to an increasing of lifespan. Most people seeing this as a favorable change. Nevertheless, there are some adverse effects related to prolonged life expectancy for both society and individuals.

From a whole society perspective, an ageing population is a significant financial issue. The percentage of working adults decreases while the proportion of elderly people who need to be supported financially grows. As a result, national budgets experience significant financial burdens. Governments should adapt budgets to the new reality.

From the personal prospective, a prolonged lifespan can also be accompanied with some drawbacks. The main disadvantage to an ageing population for individuals are relatively high taxes paid by younger working people. According to a recent research, the income tax rate needs to be raised up to 50%. Consequently, an increase in taxes may lead to a decrease in the standard of living generally.

In summary, it can be seen that there are some issues related to a growth in average life expectancy. Country budgets may suffer from an additional financial burden to support the elderly. Working people have to pay higher taxes, which effects family budgets negatively. After analyzing the subject, it has become quite evident that these ageing population issues are needed to be addressed.

[IMil]

...Do you think most people will see this as a positive development?...
... Most people (are?) seeing this as a favorable change...

На один из двух вопросов вы ответили всего одним предложением, никак не обосновав. Понятно что ответ очевиден, но тем не менее стоило бы развернуть, пусть чисто риторически: кто же согласится жить пятьдесят лет, если можно сто. Не знаю, насколько экзаменаторы к этому придираются.

[James_B]

Grammar:

Recent achievements in medicine, such as an introducing of new drugs and cures, has have led to an increasing of lifespan an increase in lifespan expectancy. Most people {are} seeing see this as a favorable change. Nevertheless However, there are some adverse effects related to prolonged life expectancy for both society and individuals.

etc.
"life expectancy for both society and individuals", was society going to die?!

The essay is very awkward to read. Stop thinking in Russian.

[Pashich]

Any better?


As a result of advances in medical care, average life expectancy is increasing for men and women. Do you think most people will see this as a positive development? What are the disadvantages of an ageing population for individuals and society? Support your point of view with reasons and/or examples from your own experience or observations.




Recent achievements in medicine, such as an introducing of new drugs and cures, has led to an increasing of lifespan. Most people seeing this as a favorable change. Nevertheless, there are some adverse effects related to prolonged life expectancy for both society and individuals.

From a whole society perspective, an ageing population is a significant financial issue. The percentage of working adults decreases while the proportion of elderly people who need to be supported financially grows. As a result, national budgets experience significant financial burdens. Governments should adapt budgets to the new reality.

From the personal prospective, a prolonged lifespan can also be accompanied with some drawbacks. The main disadvantage to an ageing population for individuals are relatively high taxes paid by younger working people. According to a recent research, the income tax rate needs to be raised up to 50%. Consequently, an increase in taxes may lead to a decrease in the standard of living generally.

In summary, it can be seen that there are some issues related to a growth in average life expectancy. Country budgets may suffer from an additional financial burden to support the elderly. Working people have to pay higher taxes, which effects family budgets negatively. After analyzing the subject, it has become quite evident that these ageing population issues are needed to be addressed.

Что сразу бросилось в глаза, эссе очень короткое 220 words. Вряд ли датут 7-ку.
Ну и всякие косяки по грамматике и др.:
само задание дано в present continious,
ваше introduction должно тоже быть в continious, у вас оно как результат отображено pres. perfect.
has led to
an increasing of lifespan. lifespan кого? мышей, людей?
вот это
@The percentage of working adults decreases while the proportion of elderly people who need to be supported financially grows.@
я бы написал в present continious, показывая тем самым что это текущий тренд.
"Governments should adapt budgets to "the new reality" что имели вы имеете тут виду? идея не раскрыта - это минус.
"can also be accompanied with some drawbacks." - я не уверен, но мне не нравится как это написано
@The main disadvantage to an ageing population@ я не уверен, но обычно disadvantage of
@According to a recent research,@

Плохое заключение, вы пишите:
@After analyzing the subject, it has become quite evident that these ageing population issues are needed to be addressed.@ Вас не спрашивали про проблемы, которые надо решить. Перечитайте вопросы в задании.

[IMil]

"life expectancy for both society and individuals", was society going to die?!

Насколько я понял, это предложение задумано как
some adverse effects (related to prolonged life expectancy) for both society and individuals

К сожалению, понять это с первого прочтения и правда трудно. Лучше как-то перефразировать, например ...prolonged life exp. causes some adv. effects for both...

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Господа, все-таки проверьте пожалуйста значение слово prolonged. Что-то мне кажется, что вы его не совсем правильно понимаете.

[Pashich]

Решил написать последнее эссе перед экзаменом.
Буду рад услышать критику и комментарии.

Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time.
Do you agree or disagree ? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience.

It is thought by individuals that it is necessary for young boys and girls to make their spare-time activities educational. In other case, these activities are considered to be a total waste of time. Personally, I partly agree with this statement for some reasons.

In my experience, one reason for children to spend their leisure time without any studying has to do with enough amount of time to recover. By way of illustration, when I studied at school, I might have had from 6 to 9 different lessons in such subjects as maths, physics, Russian language and others every day. As a result, not only was I completely exhausted, but I did not have any willing to do my home task due to my tiredness. Moreover, in order to recharge my batteries I went to play with my friends to the backyard.

To the best of my knowledge, In my country, for instance, modern young boys and girls spend most of their leisure time chatting with their friends or playing computer games. I trully believe that this is a complete waste of time, and these activities must be changed to be educational. For instance, chatting with friends or playing in a computer game is highly unlikely to help a person enter university to get a degree, which will be necessary to get a decent job later in one's life. That is why, if these forms of spending children's leisure time brought an educational element, there would be more intelligent children in my country.

To summarize, the question how children should spend their free time requires more thoughtful considerations. Drawing on my own personal knowledge and experience, I hold the opinion that youngsters must not be obliged to study anything in their spare time. At the same time, some of their leisure-time activities have to be changed to be more beneficial.

[Ветерок]

Решил написать последнее эссе перед экзаменом.
Буду рад услышать критику и комментарии.

Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time.
Do you agree or disagree ? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience.

It is thought by individuals that it is necessary for young boys and girls to make their spare-time activities educational. In other case, these activities are considered to be a total waste of time. Personally, I partly agree with this statement for some reasons.

In my experience, one reason for children to spend their leisure time without any studying has to do with enough amount of time to recover. By way of illustration, when I studied at school, I might have had from 6 to 9 different lessons in such subjects as maths, physics, Russian language and others every day. As a result, not only was I completely exhausted, but I did not have any willing to do my home task due to my tiredness. Moreover, in order to recharge my batteries I went to play with my friends to the backyard.

To the best of my knowledge, In my country, for instance, modern young boys and girls spend most of their leisure time chatting with their friends or playing computer games. I trully believe that this is a complete waste of time, and these activities must be changed to be educational. For instance, chatting with friends or playing in a computer game is highly unlikely to help a person enter university to get a degree, which will be necessary to get a decent job later in one's life. That is why, if these forms of spending children's leisure time brought an educational element, there would be more intelligent children in my country.

To summarize, the question how children should spend their free time requires more thoughtful considerations. Drawing on my own personal knowledge and experience, I hold the opinion that youngsters must not be obliged to study anything in their spare time. At the same time, some of their leisure-time activities have to be changed to be more beneficial.

Имхо конечно, но мне кажется, что это 6,5. Почему - я не знаю, но это никак не близко к 7.

Что вы хотели этим сказать? when I studied at school, I might have had from 6 to 9 different lessons - точно не помните сколько уроков у вас было?

[Pashich]

Что вы хотели этим сказать? when I studied at school, I might have had from 6 to 9 different lessons - точно не помните сколько уроков у вас было?

Да, хочу показать элемент неуверенности, что у меня может быть было от 6-9 уроков.

[Pashich]

Имхо конечно, но мне кажется, что это 6,5. Почему - я не знаю, но это никак не близко к 7.

Ваши аргументы мне не ясны, простой язык не означает низкую оценку. посмотрите критерии оценки essay

[James_B]

It is thought by individuals

subject is unnecessary in this passive form

Personally, I partly agree with this statement for some reasons.

A very vague sentence which is a bad thing because it's impossible to know what the essay is going to be about.

In my experience, one reason for children to spend their leisure time without any studying has to do with enough amount of time to recover.

"For one thing, it is crucial for children's academic performance that they have enough downtime between lessons (or whatever academic challenges you are writing about)", would be a much better choice in my opinion.

What I say is that you haven't researched this topic well enough.

[Pashich]

subject is unnecessary in this passive form

A very vague sentence which is a bad thing because it's impossible to know what the essay is going to be about.

"For one thing, it is crucial for children's academic performance that they have enough downtime between lessons (or whatever academic challenges you are writing about)", would be a much better choice in my opinion.

What I say is that you haven't researched this topic well enough.

Clear, thanks for good advice!