My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Здравствуйте! Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, эссе. На что нужно обратить внимание, чтобы иметь шансы на хороший балл (8.0+)?
The international news is a source of knowledge about the world. How far can journalists be trusted? What are the qualities of a good journalist?

Undeniable is the fact that mass media should provide accurate accounts of current events happening in various spheres of human life. In fact, mass media to a great extend influence the way people see the world. However, there seems to be little – if any – agreement as to what qualities a trustworthy journalist should have. I am convinced that given the power they have, not only should reporters be unbiased and honest, but also unaffected by others and knowledgeable about the events they shed light upon.

The first thing that is worth mentioning here is that a good journalist is a person who is committed to informing the public and reporting the events in an unbiased way. It is evident that if a reporter covers the current affairs being subjected to third-party influences, he or she beyond a shadow of doubt will distort the information he presents. For instance, most broadcasting companies in Russia are controlled or in some other way dependant on the government and President Putin in particular. As a result, the quality of reported news is greatly tainted.

Another important quality a reliable newsmaker should possess is honesty. Under no circumstances can a good journalist distort information or try to make it sound more sensational. To elaborate further, journalists should make every effort possible to rely solely on primary sources. A salient example of this are CNN news reports where videos of events are captured exactly where they occur and viewers have the chance to draw their own conclusions. Thus, ideal journalists are those who give no slant to information and let their viewers think for themselves.

Taking into consideration all the facts mentioned above, one can say beyond any doubt that only those reporters who possess aforementioned qualities can be properly trusted.

Для начала, уберите не несущие никакую смысловую нагрузку fillers (highlighted) - их слишком много, и они очень раздражают!
Потом поработайте над Conclusion. У вас его просто нет, т.е. то, что есть это очень слабенько. The Intro and the Conclusion должны быть сбалансированы.
Потом поработайте над nominalisation. Вы уже освоили inversion - это замечательно, но много не надо. Надо разнообразнее. Так что поработайте над nominalisation.

Где-то так пока....

[ielts-studios]

Спасибо огромное) Попробовал еще одно сочинение того же типа. Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, если не сложно)

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Music has been essential for people from every walk of life for centuries, yet while its essence is enduring, much about music has changed. Indeed, music has become global and modern society has a wealth of musical options to explore, often dismissing folk songs, that have influenced countless generations before us, as something obsolete and irrelevant to their everyday life. Yet, much of what is labelled “traditional” music shares more with the so-called “modern” hits than meets the eye and both play an equally important role, weaving a vivid tapestry of human experience.

Undeniably, music cannot be reduced to a combination of notes and rhythms that can entertain and evoke emotions. This is particularly true of folk songs which are often considered to be a living history of previous generations, rich, vivid, poignant and truthful. From traditional Russian war songs to Scottish ballads, from cowboy tunes to railroad work chants, folk music commemorates those who came before us and ensures that their struggles are not forgotten. Indeed, it is through folk songs that we remember not only the hardship and misery of Russian peasants who suffered at the hands of the Czarist regime , but also the freedom fighters of the Soviet Union who joined their hands and voices against the Nazi. Yet, traditional music is more than a chronicle of events, it stirs emotions, and lays bare the core of human condition, allowing people to express their innermost desires, concerns and sufferings. It is this emotional power that traditional music shares with international songs which are heard across the globe, providing an outlet for people across boundaries of race, class and location to express their highest joys, and deepest sorrows.

Unfortunately, folk music is often dismissed as irrelevant to modern globalised world, and some charge that unlike international tunes that can create a more harmonious world, traditional music builds boundaries between people of different cultures. Yet, it is important to recognise that traditional songs transcend specific experiences and instead convey universal ideas that all people across the globe can relate to, be it the frustration of not having enough money to provide a decent life for the family, unrequited love or a desire to fight against injustice. Viewed from this perspective, traditional music is not that different from modern songs, yes, they may reflect different time periods, and the former may not be as heavily promoted or professional as the latter, yet they both capture universal human condition. They both leap across language barriers and have the power to unite people, which is of a particular importance in today’s world of diversity where values often clash.

To conclude, in the world dominated by pop music, it may be easy to relegate folk songs to a dead genre. Yet, akin to other forms of art, music is timeless and traditional songs have a lot in common with modern ones. They both shape and reflect our identity and can serve as a unifying force in today’s multicultural world. Therefore, they should be equally appreciated and recognised.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Спасибо огромное) Попробовал еще одно сочинение того же типа. Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, если не сложно)

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

The task is missing again. Which 'того же типа'?

I'm not commenting on essays that do not follow the IELTS topics and IELTS format.

Is this a discussion essay?
Is this a discussion + opinion essay?
It this an opinion essay?
Is this an argument essay?
Is this a problem and solution essay?

My comment on the same issue, p. 368: http://www.gday.ru/forum/ielts/45491...ml#post5475187

On a different note though. Your essay is 505 words long! Will you really be able to produce this under exam conditions?

[ielts-studios]

The task is missing again. Which 'того же типа'?

Is this a discussion essay?
Is this a discussion + opinion essay?
It this an opinion essay?
Is this an argument essay?
Is this a problem and solution essay?

It's a "double question" type of essay)

[Maimiti_Isabella]

It's a "double question" type of essay)

Вы действительно думаете, что я двух вопросительных знаков не вижу?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Я, конечно, не показатель, но за последние 2 года я не видела ни одного 2-question essays.
Интересно, кому-либо попадалось?

[Baby_Roo]

On a different note though. Your essay is 505 words long! Will you really be able to produce this under exam conditions?

Maybe the guy is taking IELTS IDP. The timing is the same, so he might actually be capable.

Verbosity, on the other hand, is something he really needs to work on.

[VDub]

Доброго дня! После 4 месяцев натаскивания на IELTS как-то зависли на 6...6,5 баллах. Поскольку обратной связи нету от IELTS, то просьба прокомментировать со стороны более опытных: реально ли в обозримом будущем получить заветные 7 по Writing ? На что делать упор?
Выложу первые попавшиеся под руку эссе, написанные в строго отведенное для экзамена время, а не по полдня и безо всяких правок. Заранее спасибо.

It is important to use the space in cities well than to make them look beautiful. To what extend do you agree?
Authorities in many countries often claim that effective usage of free areas in cities is much more profitable than creating attractive places. However, finding a balance between two opposite points of view could make cities more beautiful and suitable for living.
First of all, the process of urbanization, which means that more and more people tend to live in megalopolises leads to the situation with lack housing and increase of its cost. As a result, local authorities build new districts in a suburb with high density of buildings or dispose new high-rise ones between historical houses. That seems to be beneficial both for government and people, because the former could collect wore takes, while the latter have more opportunities to get a better job. Otherwise, it makes cities crowded, creates traffic congestions and spoils impression.
Secondly, people in big cities work a lot but they also need to have a rest in an attractive surrounding with green zones, such as parks and gardens. It is known that today many citizens suffer from lack of natural environment which can result in different illnesses from cold to a lung cancer or heart diseases. Furthermore, historical buildings should not be surrounded by contemporary ones, especially those which have a geometric design or a combination of metal and glass. For instance, in European towns old districts or city centers usually look beautiful with the mixture of traditional architecture and outdated buildings, which attracts tourists’ interest and makes dwellers be a part of history.
To conclude, the space in cities should be used for creating new places for living without spoiling surroundings and the atmosphere of historical districts.

[VDub]

второе эссе (остальные выкладывать пока не вижу смысла, может через 3-4 месяца, когда чуть улучшится уровень), всего 250 слов. Give up лишнее в эссе, но в процессе написания в голову ничего другого не пришло.
Some people believe that nowadays we have too many choices. Agree/disagree?
In a modern society people have a lot of opportunities in different spheres of their life. Despite the fact that sometimes it can be difficult for them to choose something appropriate among such vast range of things, I believe that the more alternatives we have the higher level of satisfaction people can get.
To start with, there is an almost unlimited access to the information about goods and services via the Internet or TV advertisement, which can be harmful for elderly people or children because they are not able to distinguish between things with excellent quality and fake items. Moreover, in several countries, such as North Korea or Turkmenistan, there are strict policies regarding information and freedom of choice, which means that people have restricted opportunities and less satisfaction with life.
In contrast, if people can choose what they want, their life expectancy can be higher and they become happier. For instance, children are allowed to study at any University or College and after graduation start to work according to their preferences or change the sphere. Furthermore, today there are a huge number of activities which people may choose to take up like sport or cookery courses. In this case, if person really wants to give up and start something new, he or she can follow the desire and implement one.
To conclude, even though freedom of choice has several drawbacks, it also gives people life satisfaction and opportunity to use their abilities in the most interesting and appropriate way.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maybe the guy is taking IELTS IDP. The timing is the same, so he might actually be capable.

Verbosity, on the other hand, is something he really needs to work on.

There are too many maybes.

But I haven't yet bought a crystal ball, have you?

[Baby_Roo]

Maimiti_Isabella, the funny thing is that I do, in fact, have a crystal ball.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, the funny thing is that I do, in fact, have a crystal ball.

Well, this explains a lot.

[Baby_Roo]

Maimiti_Isabella, c’mon, you’re being unnecessarily antagonistic.
IELTS threads are your domain, I’m not here to question your expertise. I’m simply sharing thoughts and opinions based on my experience, nothing more. If things I say help people one way or another, yay, mission accomplished. Peace!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, c’mon, you’re being unnecessarily antagonistic.
IELTS threads are your domain, I’m not here to question your expertise. I’m simply sharing thoughts and opinions based on my experience, nothing more. If things I say help people one way or another, yay, mission accomplished. Peace!

It's not my domain, and I'm not antagonistic. I'm a very realistic and down-to earth person. With me, you get what you see.

But I' not a do-gooder and well... I know my craft. And you know yours, no doubt about this. They are just different 'crafts' I guess.

On a different note though, I have no interest in this thread whatsoever, except for 2 reasons, 1) paying forward 2) http://www.gday.ru/forum/ielts/22943...%E8%F6%FB.html

I think I mentioned this before: I'm really happy for you to take over, if you're ready and willing to. I really mean it. I've been scaling down my forum participation for a couple of years now. So, whenever you are ready, ...

[Baby_Roo]

Maimiti_Isabella,
Alrighty, there seems to have been some miscommunication.

1) Never have I ever implied that I am willing and ready to take over. I simply do not have the resources.
2) What you do here is admirable, and I hope one day I will be able to dedicate myself to similar work, be it here or elsewhere. Currently I can only “pop in” over the long weekend and offer a bit of help. If people take it - cool - I am happy, and there’s a little less workload for you. Also, the good is done, which is the most important part.
3) Me having a crystal ball does not explain anything but the fact that I have one. I am realistic and rather pragmatic, so I would not bullshit people regarding their skills, abilities, or possible exam outcomes.
4) I enjoy sharing love and happy stories, as I genuinely believe that people need more love, empathy, and compassion.