My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[skona]

MrGrey,

Спасибо за комментарии, очень был полезен Ваш взгляд со стороны.
Вы всё написали по делу. Вроде очевидные вещи, а самому как-то и не заметно было.
Благодарю

[Maimiti_Isabella]

your own opinion мне очень не хватало по ходу эссе, а оно всплывает только в заключении.

And so it should be in this type of an essay: only в заключении.
No other options!

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

1. Discuss
2. Give your opinion

[Maimiti_Isabella]

skona,

Совет хотите, без разбора вашего эссе? Просто совет.

[skona]

skona,

Совет хотите, без разбора вашего эссе? Просто совет.

Хочу

[Marosa]

Толку немного от этого - что могло измениться за день?

К сожалению времени у меня не так уж и много, и каждый день на счету.)))

[Marosa]

Some people think that modern technology is making people more sociable, while others think it is making them less sociable. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is argued that cutting edge technology empowers people to socialize. This statement is opposed by the opinion that computers and social networks have a negative impact on communication. This essay agrees to the latter point of view, however will review arguments of both parties.

The main advantage of innovative technology with regards to the above-mentioned matter is the unlimited resources. In other words, social networks such as Facebook and LinkedIn make it possible to unite for a common hobby, project, or an event. For instance, would a person want to discuss a recently-published book, he/she can easily find interested people via websites and with the help of search engines.

At the same time, I believe that individuals’ ability of face to face interaction can be damaged greatly. It is a proven fact that the more one surfs the Internet, the less communicative he/she becomes. From my own experience, I can tell that often it is not possible to track how much time was spent in the Web. Gradually this becomes a habit, which starts replacing live chatting. Besides that, not only the time spent with family and friends gets reduced, but also the quality of socialization, especially when it comes to children and teenagers. For example, gadgets can affect the emotional attachment of kids to their parents, or child’s self-cognition process might get endangered.

In my opinion every phenomenon has more than one side, and this question is not an exception either. However, after the consideration of both positive and negative impacts of technological development on humans’ sociability, I can restate that unfavorable effects overweight the advantages.

[MrGrey]

Выглядит чуточку получше.
Проработка аргументов плохая. It is a proven fact просто перефраз задания. Вы можете 10 раз сказать, что это proven fact, но у комиссара от этого слаще во рту не станет. Какие ваши доказательства?
Грамматика, лексика выглядят на 7
C&C выглядят лучше, но см.выше.
Каждое предложение в эссе на 8 должно выглядеть на 8. В каждом предложении, не говоря уже об абзаце, должна быть ценность... А теперь перечитайте заключение.

[Marosa]

Выглядит чуточку получше.
Проработка аргументов плохая. It is a proven fact просто перефраз задания. Вы можете 10 раз сказать, что это proven fact, но у комиссара от этого слаще во рту не станет. Какие ваши доказательства?
Грамматика, лексика выглядят на 7
C&C выглядят лучше, но см.выше.
Каждое предложение в эссе на 8 должно выглядеть на 8. В каждом предложении, не говоря уже об абзаце, должна быть ценность... А теперь перечитайте заключение.

Спасибо за терпение!))) попробую хотя бы недельку сама себя ревьюить, оттачивать предложения.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Хочу

You have good understanding of the task and requirements but you were taught / coached for 6.5 - 7.0. So some of your sentences are too wordy and don't sound appropriate / natural. This means you have a difficult task ahead of you: you need to unlearn! You need to follow the KISS principle.

Basically, any language development goes through certain stages:

1. a toddler: I know some words and can even put them into a sentence

2. a primary schooler: good language skills but basic. Ok, Ok, I do confuse words and forms, but... But everybody understands me!

3. a high schooler / teenager: why do people find it so difficult to understand me?! (complicated)

4. an educated adult: sophisticated

You're at step 3 right now, and this is the biggest difference between a 7 and an 8.

[skona]

Maimiti_Isabella, Many thanks for the astute advice

3. a high schooler / teenager: why do people find it so difficult to understand me?! (complicated)

Indeed. It is that stage that I find myself in now
One more two years round in order to get 8...

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, Many thanks for the astute advice


Indeed. It is that stage that I find myself in now

Вот поэтому я и не знаю, что делать с вами. Я не умею coach for IELTS. Пробовала - не получается.

Я, к сожалению, сейчас безумно занята на работе. В противном случае, я бы разобрала Ваше эссе, чтобы показать, что я имею ввиду. В вашем случае это заняло бы достаточно много времени. Но если только будет время в середине октября - обязательно сделаю. Your essay is an interesting case study Sorry.

Я умею только подходить с точки зрения обучения английскому, i.e. improve your English first and IELTS will follow.

But I'll give you a piece of advice though I don't know whether you are willing to follow it. To 'unlearn', start building up your sentences from the main idea. And then 'populate' the main idea. Hope it makes sense.

Мой весьма 'непрофессиональный' совет вам - идите к тем, кто знает, что делает. Дорого, но будет результат.

[skona]

Maimiti_Isabella, спасибо, вы и так уже помогли!

идите к тем, кто знает, что делает. Дорого, но будет результат.

Дык ведь я и так давно уже там Когда я начал со своих 5, я ставил цель 7 (что было пределом мечтаний) и мне её обеспечили. Вы всё правильно и написали про это.
Теперь поставил цель 8, методика изменится и будут меня на неё "дрессировать"
Но, взгляд со стороны, который тут получил тоже очень важен мне.

[Marosa]

Many countries aim to improve their living standard by economic development, but some important social values are lost as a result. Do you think the advantages of economic development outweigh the disadvantages?

It is argued that in course of economic growth some essential social values get damaged, despite an increase in quality of life. Since the beginning of human history people have adopted a goal to have a wealthier and happier life. However, these two do not always come together and sometimes they even contradict each other. In the next two paragraphs of this essay I shall discuss pros and cons of economic development from perspective of social values.

Benefits of economic progress are undeniable for many reasons. Firstly, common welfare is one of the indicators of humans' satisfaction. From my own observations, I can tell that people are happier and more proactive during times of economic prosperity, compared to the period of the financial crisis, such as the Global Crisis of 2008. Secondly, there is a direct link between poverty rates and frequency of law breaches. For example, as per official statistics of New York Police, Bronx has been recognized to be both one of the poorest and the most criminal counties of the city.

From the other hand, while chasing material benefits people often forget about social and humanistic values. In other words, the more emphasize people make on earning money, the less attention they pay to social aspects of life. It is a usual practice for those living in urban areas to gradually replace human interaction with more and more hours spent at work. As a result, they become antisocial and serve a poor example to the younger generation, forming an ever-evolving cycle. Various studies have shown that people, who live in metropolitan areas are more depressed, than those living in smaller towns.

To conclude, every issue has more than one sides and this matter is not an exception either. However, after consideration of both advantages and disadvantages of the influence that economic development has on the social part of our lives, I can state that in my opinion the benefits overweigh drawbacks.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, спасибо, вы и так уже помогли!


Дык ведь я и так давно уже там Когда я начал со своих 5, я ставил цель 7 (что было пределом мечтаний) и мне её обеспечили. Вы всё правильно и написали про это.
Теперь поставил цель 8, методика изменится и будут меня на неё "дрессировать"
Но, взгляд со стороны, который тут получил тоже очень важен мне.

Жаль, что Вы сразу на 8 не ' целились'..... Но в любом случае, удачи Вам!

BTW, One more two years round in order to get 8 --> Another two years .. / Another two year round / Two more years ...

[ielts-studios]

Здравствуйте! Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, эссе. На что нужно обратить внимание, чтобы иметь шансы на хороший балл (8.0+)?
The international news is a source of knowledge about the world. How far can journalists be trusted? What are the qualities of a good journalist?

Undeniable is the fact that mass media should provide accurate accounts of current events happening in various spheres of human life. In fact, mass media to a great extend influence the way people see the world. However, there seems to be little – if any – agreement as to what qualities a trustworthy journalist should have. I am convinced that given the power they have, not only should reporters be unbiased and honest, but also unaffected by others and knowledgeable about the events they shed light upon.

The first thing that is worth mentioning here is that a good journalist is a person who is committed to informing the public and reporting the events in an unbiased way. It is evident that if a reporter covers the current affairs being subjected to third-party influences, he or she beyond a shadow of doubt will distort the information he presents. For instance, most broadcasting companies in Russia are controlled or in some other way dependant on the government and President Putin in particular. As a result, the quality of reported news is greatly tainted.

Another important quality a reliable newsmaker should possess is honesty. Under no circumstances can a good journalist distort information or try to make it sound more sensational. To elaborate further, journalists should make every effort possible to rely solely on primary sources. A salient example of this are CNN news reports where videos of events are captured exactly where they occur and viewers have the chance to draw their own conclusions. Thus, ideal journalists are those who give no slant to information and let their viewers think for themselves.

Taking into consideration all the facts mentioned above, one can say beyond any doubt that only those reporters who possess aforementioned qualities can be properly trusted.