My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[newjersey]

Товарищи, выдавил из себя жалкое подобие первого в жизни эссе =) Ткните носом, пожалуйста - уж очень непревычное дело и странные ощущения в мозгу =) В районе 288 слов.

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. it would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

It is a well known fact that modern generation relays and depends on computers a lot. These bleeding-edge pieces of equipment have affected modern life dramatically. Though it is not always good: people tend to forget their true nature of creatures who need to exercise and, even more drastic, to socialize. Special concern is about children, because they are not able to understand things well and to take responsibility cunsiously (1). I'm thoroughly agree (2) that computer dependence is often bad.

First of all, as I previously mentioned, spending ones (3) entire time hunching indoors is definitely bad for health. I think, children should not be allowed to do that by obvious reasons: they're growing organisms who strongly need appropriate environment for development and growth. Healthy outdoor activity (4) like sport games, fishing, boy scouting and so on is a great alternative. 'Healthy body makes healthy mind' - Aristotle has spoken.

Second of all, their minds grow too. Minds development should not be affected by any kind of mental addiction, to which electronic games addiction obviously relies (5) too, because it prevents children from growing balanced and personalities (6) which is crucial for life success. Besides that, staying at home all the time builds up a wall between child and the rest of the world. Children strongly need to communicate with others, they inevitably need to learn how to start relations with other people, to learn how to communicate, etc. All aforementioned shall add to their future success in life.

Summarizing all the fact (7) that were described, it can be sad (8 ) that children should be protected from overuse of computers and modern digital games/ gadgets. This, as i think, is the only way to become a healthy person with balanced mind with no issues.

(1) conciously
(2) I thouroughly agree - простое настоящее
(3) one's
(4) comma
(5) rely это "зависеть от", а не "принадлежать к" - я бы сказал part of. Rely чаще всего употребляется с on, upon
(6) рассогласованные прилагательные. growing balanced personalities - скорее всего and лишнее.
(7) factS ?
(8 ) saId -comma

вывод слишком жестко сформулирован на мой взгляд, the only way, never=ever слишком прямолинейно - это вряд ли снизит оценки имхо, но по жизни с такими заявлениями сложно

[Ulduz]

Товарищи, выдавил из себя жалкое подобие первого в жизни эссе =) Ткните носом, пожалуйста - уж очень непревычное дело и странные ощущения в мозгу =) В районе 288 слов.

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. it would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

It is a well known fact that modern generation relays and depends on computers a lot. These bleeding-edge pieces of equipment have affected modern life dramatically. Though it is not always good: people tend to forget their true nature of creatures who need to exercise and, even more drastic, to socialize. Special concern is about children, because they are not able to understand things well and to take responsibility cunsiously. I'm thoroughly agree that computer dependence is often bad.

First of all, as I previously mentioned, spending ones entire time hunching indoors is definitely bad for health. I think, children should not be allowed to do that by obvious reasons: they're growing organisms who strongly need appropriate environment for development and growth. Healthy outdoor activity like sport games, fishing, boy scouting and so on is a great alternative. 'Healthy body makes healthy mind' - Aristotle has spoken.

Second of all, their minds grow too. Minds development should not be affected by any kind of mental addiction, to which electronic games addiction obviously relies too, because it prevents children from growing balanced and personalities which is crucial for life success. Besides that, staying at home all the time builds up a wall between child and the rest of the world. Children strongly need to communicate with others, they inevitably need to learn how to start relations with other people, to learn how to communicate, etc. All aforementioned shall add to their future success in life.

Summarizing all the fact that were described, it can be sad that children should be protected from overuse of computers and modern digital games/ gadgets. This, as i think, is the only way to become a healthy person with balanced mind with no issues.

У вас впечатляющий словарный запас! Мне кажется если вам поработать над спеллингом, изменить стиль с разговорного на более академик ( т.е. вместо того чтобы говорить:"I agree that computer dependence is often bad. ", лучше сказать что-то в этом роде : "I believe that computer dependence might adversely affect children's health and social life " и не делать слишком жестких утверждений ( как уже вам ранее сказали) ( чтобы избежать этого нужно побольше: may, might, can, is likely в эссе) то вам светит очень даже хорошая оценка.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

....

Сколько надо?
Какой IELTS score получить желаете?

PS bleeding-edge здесь не подходит.

[vsnb]

C академичностью просто беда - развиваюсь на похабных мультиках да технической документации. Засада в том, что мне желательно 7-ки получить, 6-ки - минимум

[newjersey]

C академичностью просто беда - развиваюсь на похабных мультиках да технической документации. Засада в том, что мне желательно 7-ки получить, 6-ки - минимум

мне кажется сдадите на 7ки. Для тренировки попробуйте это же все написать карандашом за 20 минут - разборчиво и все прочее - на вставки-переписывания времени на экзамене не хватит. Неразборчивый почерк может быть причиной вычетов - за спеллинг, за недостаток слов, за структуру предложения, то есть писать надо очень аккуратно. Я сам с трудом читаю что написал, полжизни за клавиатурой, поэтому за письмо на экзамене получил самую низкую оценку по сравнению с другими частями.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

C академичностью просто беда - развиваюсь на похабных мультиках да технической документации. Засада в том, что мне желательно 7-ки получить, 6-ки - минимум

Если на тесте напишите также, то минимум 7 обеспечена. 7.5 если проработаете над spelling и некоторые проблемы пунктуации (использование запятых)

[vsnb]

Очередной бесталанный набор. На этот раз меня, как мне кажется, унесло в стиль советских сочинений

World travel was revolutionized in the 20th Century to the extent that the world has now become a global village. What factors will influence travel this century? Will travel continue to grow or will it become less popular?

As we all know, travel was always a true passion of humanity, which was a crucial intention of human and helped him to explore the world. Travel became even more popular with discovering of some new principles and achieving new, impossible before, speeds for transportation.

I am absolutely sure that travel will definitely continue to grow because of several obvious reasons.

The very first factor i should mention is, obviously, Globalization. This event is changing our inhabitance and even minds dramatically. Global markets, international relations in science and education - all these makes us feel and move faster. It means, that there will be created even more rapid vehicles and transport networks. Probably, those systems will be used for business travel first, which, however, will tow traveling for pleasure and fun. Thus, people will be able to transport rapidly, covering enormous distances at no time, which is a good thing, definitely, as our vacation ranges tend to shrink.

Second of all, travel will gain it's popularity because of the nature of modern culture and life style. Nowadays, cross-cultural communication is a wide incident. People enjoy cultural exchange, like international campuses, or, even, meetings at pubs. Many of us have friends and colleges who came from places we never have been and are eager to visit.

One more reason comes from previous two and can be called as overall lifestyle speedup. In my opinion, it became fashionable is this century to live fast which makes our decades unique. Evidently, such a fashion seems to be idealizing progress and true human nature. We are never satisfied with what we have, and always want to go even further, as fast as we can or can not by the moment.

[sonia]

проверьте плииииз!!!

это не совсем айлтс......черновик моего вступительного собеседования...ПОМОГИТЕ ПЖЛ! очень надо) у меня с письмо туго(((

The future of 21st century fashion marketing
Fashion business is one of most dynamically developing world industries. A problem of creation, development and management of design brands studying in fashion business continues to be actual both for the Russian experts in marketing, and in universal scale.
On a global scale there is a monopolization of the design brands market. The design brand became investment attractive object. It is widespread concentration of brands within the limits of one operating company - House of Brands. An example - LVHM (Moet Hennessy - Louis Vuitton) where trade marks are collected such as Louis Vuitton, Kenzo, Celine, Mark Jacobs, Givenchy, etc. But speaking about approach House of Brands in management of a branded portfolio of design brands, it is necessary to note the certain advantages and lacks of the approach. To advantages concern greater opportunities on expansion or narrowing of a branded portfolio, and also absence influence on one brands in case of failure of others. To lacks concern high charges on the maintenance of separate administrative commands of each brand and necessity of formation of separate communication budgets of each brand.
As to Russian fashion market now it is the extremely attractive for foreign players as many niches fashion market till now are empty in a kind of that Russia have been debarred in world fashion market more than 70 years by virtue of the political system. Alongside with it, Russian design brands actively develop. It have powerful creative potential, own loyal buyers and an ambition to reach world fashion arena.
Thus, fashion marketing in 21 century demands the further dynamical development, an output on a new level of the professional approach to management of design brands and scientific development.

[Alexizzz]

Покритикуйте эссе плз:

Many people believed that people get married too early.
What is your opinion on this question?

Some people may think that nowadays many people are getting married too early. However, this point of view may not be definitely proved. In my opinion, this question should be considered objectively.

First of all, we should separate women and man and consider different countries. I am quite sure that in my home country people get married in general when they are older than 25. I have heard that in some countries young girls of the age of 14 could be married to an older man, but it merely concerns Muslim countries.

On the other hand, we live in a rapidly developing World. So people are much more mature today than people of the same age decades ago. They will often have had a number of sexual partners and could even have children. We cannot compare people by their biological age but rather should do it on a basis of experience.

Moreover, it is my opinion that people who claim the point of view that people are getting married too early do not have clear understanding of processes in the world and even their own attitudes. They are just expressing their worries about an environment that they are unable to change. Maybe they even express their unconscious fears and anxiety. Anyway, we should have results of statistical research to state such opinions.

In conclusion, it is my belief that we cannot make a statement about the immaturity of people who get married nowadays.

[Irina_ru]

Друзья! Я долго стеснялась, но мне просто необходима ваша помощь!
Покритикуйте плз письмо и эссе, а? На какой бал, мне впринципе, можно рассчитывать с такой писаниной?

Last week you were on a flight to London. Unfortunately, when you left the plane, you left a bag. You did not remember about the bag until you got to your hotel.

Write a letter to the airline. Explain what has happened, describe the bag and its contents and say what you would like them to do about it.

Dear, Sir.
I am writing to explain you my situation. On last week I was on a flight to London your airline. When I was leaving this airplane I forgot my beg inside. However, it was flight number 111 on Monday 21 July, place number 8F.

In addition, I would like to describe my bag. It was small bag of black color made from atlas with skin. What is more, in the bag were: two lipsticks, one bracelet, credit card by Bank of America and mobile phone by Nokia. Also, in bag was a handbook on Russian language and 2 pencils of green and black colors.
I would be grateful if you can find it and turn back my bag. However, I use your air company very long time and service always was of the best quality. I believe that you can find it in the shortest time.

I am looking forward to hearing from you good news for me.
Irina_ru

[Irina_ru]

И эссе ...

It is better for boys and girls to study separately rather than study in mixed sex classes. They are less distracted and this leads to better results.

Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Throughout last centuries tuition had mostly separate form. But nowadays, exactly last decades mixed study become more commonly in our life. In my opinion, this form of study had more benefits. Moreover, I disagree with main topic statement on several reason, some of them I give below.

First of all, I would like to mention about communication skills in private life. When boys and girls mixed all their life they know better each other. They understand requires, habits, interests each other and many another things about their usual life. For instance, I finished mixed school and it bring me only benefits in my own life and make my married life happy. This fact good supported my first reason.

Not only that, but mixed life since childhood give people more advantages in social life and in the work. Moreover, when study had been mixing women became more successful in public life. For instance, significantly changed rules of vote. Nowadays, women can take a vote for chosen President, for example, or can vote for different party in Government. All this is very important aspect of social life.

In conclusion, I would like to say that all those and another reason support mixed tuition, because this form of study have more significant advantages in our life for all of us: in the home, in the work, in friendship and in another parts in our life.

[VOlya]

Друзья! Я долго стеснялась, но мне просто необходима ваша помощь!
Покритикуйте плз письмо и эссе, а? На какой бал, мне впринципе, можно рассчитывать с такой писаниной?

Last week you were on a flight to London. Unfortunately, when you left the plane, you left a bag. You did not remember about the bag until you got to your hotel.

Write a letter to the airline. Explain what has happened, describe the bag and its contents and say what you would like them to do about it.

Dear, Sir. (1)
I am writing to explain you my situation. (2)On last week (3) I was on a flight to London your airline. When I was leaving (4)this airplane (5)I forgot my beg inside. (6) However, it was flight number 111 on Monday 21 July, place number 8F.

(7)In addition, I would like to describe my bag. It was small bag of black color ( made from (9) atlas with skin. (10) What is more, in the bag were: two lipsticks, one bracelet, credit card [11]by Bank of America and mobile phone by Nokia. Also, [12] in bag was a handbook on Russian language and 2 pencils of green and black colors.
I would be grateful if you can find [15] it and turn back my bag. However[13], I use your air company very long time and service always was [14]of the best quality. I believe[16] that you can find it in the shortest time.

I am looking [17] forward to hearing from you good news for me.
Irina_ru

можно я попробую и расскажу что заметила?

1. начало письма всегда пишется так Dear Sir/Madam,
2 On не надо
3 может надо сказать как-нибудь по другому? I use your airline for ...
4. this airplane, мне кажется лучше plane использовать и this - раньше вы не говорили ни о каком самолете, только о авиалиниях, значит a plane
5. had forgot
6. Почему However ? "Однако, это был ..." странно как-то звучит
7. In addition в начале абзаца лучше не использовать, это должно быть где -нибудь в концу, типа... "вот тут и тут для вас информация, а в добавление, я хочу сказать...". To begin with, как вариант или first of all,
8. which + пассив, он же кем-то сделанный?
9. Атлас с человеческой кожей... leather или combination ..
10.There are two .... или The bag had
11. of Bank of America...
12. структура неверная + здесь хорошо In addition, a handbook on Russian language and 2 pencils of green and black colors were in bag
13. см 6
14. of Не надо
15 can find [14] it and turn back my bag - can find and return my bag - Может так? и без It
16 ,
17. I look forward to hearing from you...
Yours faithfully,
роспись
Irina полностью

Я бы рекомендовала заучить стандартные начала на каждое письмо. Может быть про украшения написать и почему именно вам ОЧЕНь нужна эта сумка быстро. Я тоже только учусь и поэтому не относитесь к моим замечаниям как к последней инстанции Я надеюсь что наши гуру проверят ваше письмо, и увидят еще ошибки (я только самые явные отметила, где я уверена, что так не верно)

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Друзья! Я долго стеснялась, но мне просто необходима ваша помощь!
Покритикуйте плз письмо и эссе, а? На какой бал, мне впринципе, можно рассчитывать с такой писаниной?

Last week you were on a flight to London. Unfortunately, when you left the plane, you left a bag. You did not remember about the bag until you got to your hotel.

Write a letter to the airline. Explain what has happened, describe the bag and its contents and say what you would like them to do about it.

Dear, Sir.
I am writing to explain you my situation. On last week I was on a flight to London your airline. When I was leaving this airplane I forgot my beg inside. However, it was flight number 111 on Monday 21 July, place number 8F.

In addition, I would like to describe my bag. It was small bag of black color made from atlas with skin. What is more, in the bag were: two lipsticks, one bracelet, credit card by Bank of America and mobile phone by Nokia. Also, in bag was a handbook on Russian language and 2 pencils of green and black colors.
I would be grateful if you can find it and turn back my bag. However, I use your air company very long time and service always was of the best quality. I believe that you can find it in the shortest time.

I am looking forward to hearing from you good news for me.
Irina_ru

5. или 5.5 max

[newjersey]

Друзья! Я долго стеснялась, но мне просто необходима ваша помощь!
Покритикуйте плз письмо и эссе, а? На какой бал, мне впринципе, можно рассчитывать с такой писаниной?

Last week you were on a flight to London. Unfortunately, when you left the plane, you left a bag. You did not remember about the bag until you got to your hotel.

Write a letter to the airline. Explain what has happened, describe the bag and its contents and say what you would like them to do about it.

Dear, Sir. (1)
I am writing to explain you my situation. (2)On last week (3) I was on a flight to London with your airline. When I was leaving (4)this airplane (5)I forgot my beg bag inside. (6) However, it was flight number 111 on Monday 21 July, place number 8F.

(7)In addition, I would like to describe my bag. It was a small bag of black color ( made from (9) atlas (18 )with skin . (10) What is more, in the bag were: two lipsticks, one bracelet, credit card [11]by Bank of America and mobile phone by Nokia. Also, [12] in bag was a handbook on Russian language and 2 pencils of green and black colors.
I would be grateful if you can could find [15] it and return (back) my bag. However[13], I use your air company for a very long time and the service always was [14]of the best quality. I believe[16] that you can find it in the shortest time.

I am looking [17] forward to hearing from you (good news for me).
Irina_ru

можно я попробую и расскажу что заметила?

1. начало письма всегда пишется так Dear Sir/Madam,
2 On не надо
3 может надо сказать как-нибудь по другому? I use your airline for ...
4. this airplane, мне кажется лучше plane использовать и this - раньше вы не говорили ни о каком самолете, только о авиалиниях, значит a plane
5. had forgot
6. Почему However ? "Однако, это был ..." странно как-то звучит
7. In addition в начале абзаца лучше не использовать, это должно быть где -нибудь в концу, типа... "вот тут и тут для вас информация, а в добавление, я хочу сказать...". To begin with, как вариант или first of all,
8. which + пассив, он же кем-то сделанный?
9. Атлас с человеческой кожей... leather или combination ..
10.There are two .... или The bag had
11. of Bank of America...
12. структура неверная + здесь хорошо In addition, a handbook on Russian language and 2 pencils of green and black colors were in bag
13. см 6
14. of Не надо
15 can find [14] it and turn back my bag - can find and return my bag - Может так? и без It
16 ,
17. I look forward to hearing from you...
Yours faithfully,
роспись
Irina полностью

Я бы рекомендовала заучить стандартные начала на каждое письмо. Может быть про украшения написать и почему именно вам ОЧЕНь нужна эта сумка быстро. Я тоже только учусь и поэтому не относитесь к моим замечаниям как к последней инстанции Я надеюсь что наши гуру проверят ваше письмо, и увидят еще ошибки (я только самые явные отметила, где я уверена, что так не верно)

(18 ) atlas это картографический атлас. Ткань атлас будет satin. Это старая переводческая шутка, когда у некоторых переводчиков дамы на бал ходили в сатиновых платьях (хорошо хоть не в ситцевых).

Skin допустимо, но в виде calfskin, sharkskin и еще некоторые, обычно говорят leather.

Вообще, недостаточное использование артиклей (чувствуется мало разговорной практики) и чрезмерное использование предлогов. В английском дополнения часто ставятся перед определением - "Russian language handbook", "Bank of America credit card", "Nokia phone". Phone by Nokia это как сюртук от Джианне Версаче.

[vnikitin]

Здравствуйте Покритикуйте и мое, пожалуйста

Essay. Topic # 17:
Do the benefits of abroad justify the difficulties? What advice would you offer to a prospective student?

It is a difficult decision for student – to study abroad or not. Why so? – Because not all students studying abroad get more benefits than difficulties. The goal of this essay is to look for problems, which are waiting for many overseas students decided to study abroad.
At first, there are many advantages. Firstly, students learn foreign languages and get new friends in new country. Secondly, they have a possibility to study there specialities with new teachers or professors with some new methods of education. Then, they get a chance to travel in the country they are studying in and to look at it’s culture. It is very useful for most of overseas students.
On the other hand, they get a lot’s of problems. The biggest problem is language problem. For some people, especially students, it is very hard to feel themself convenient in foreign country with foreign culture and foreign language. It is also hard to study abroad without parents. And then, it is very hard to find a job after studying abroad.
However, all depends on a student. The person has to decide, if it is really useful to study abroad and why. Also it depends on a country and people their, on mentality.
In conclusion, I will offer to future students to think about reasons for and against studying abroad and to make a decision. If they really want to and need to, it won’t be a problem to study there.
Nowadays, it is very good to have an education in some countries. That’s why, the benefits of study abroad really justify the difficulties. It gives good chances in applying for a job or to get bigger salary and possibility to have a wonderful choice in it.

Знаю, что это очень слабо, в свое оправдание скажу, что я в совершенстве владею нем. языком и последние полгода только кое-как английским занялась...
Мне много не надо - через неделю Дженерал на 4.5 оверолл Как думаете, потянет?
Заранее спасибо