My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Grifffin]

Добрый день. Мне очень нужно чтобы ктото покритиковал мое эссе. Заранее благодарю.

Some people prefer to spend their time outdoors. Other people prefer to spend their leisure time indoors. Would you prefer to be outside or would you prefer be inside for your leisure activities? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

It is an interesting fact that person who have a lot of outdoor activity have a more long life duration. Majority of the people prefer to relax after hard workday in a comfortable place . I would like to spend my leisure time outdoors rather than indoors. There are many reasons which can prove my solution, but the most fundamental facilities are: outdoor games, chat with friends and physical activity

The first reason for outdoor activity are sport games and competitions . I like to play football, basketball and many others active games with my good friends (удалил нелепый кусок. Англоязычные так не выражаются.) . In the ancient times Greece's managers and employees carried for their workers and tried to organize their free time. They have discovered a lot of active games and some of them are used now in ”Olympic games”

The second reason of/for <чего-то-нибудь> is a communication with friends. I am (сокращать в официальной переписке нельзя) an extravert and I like to have conversation with my old friends. Due to outdoor activity I have an excellent chance to talk with my friends about a new movies, concerts and other events. In a 17-th century a lot of women liked a long walks. They got enjoy from talk with other women. They talked about their husbands, politic information, king's life and others events .

The last one reason is a physical training . Nowadays we are exposed by an environment pollution . That is why I try to improve my life stile. I am jogging before and after my working day. Such activity help my to keep my body in good condition and I feel myself healthy and stronger. Almost all of famous international runners started their career from simple jogging around the park.

In short, every person tries to find a type leisure activity after working day. I am (Про сокращения писал выше) an active person and I can't just sit on a coach and watch TV. That is why, I like to spent my day off or free time outside [b] playing in outdoor games, communication with friends, and keeping my health in good mood.

Что я могу сказать... Это Руглиш. Как умею так пою. Нужно это лечить. Прислушайтесь к коментариям выше.

На 6 не тянет. Структуры нет. От темы ушли в словоблудие... Нужно еще работать.
(IMHO)

ЗЫ: Можете коментировать мои коментарии.

[Aveilvi]

Добрый вечер, пожалуйста покритикуйте мое письмо. Заранее благодарна за любые наставления.

You have a friend who lives in a city abroad. You have decided that you would like to visit this city. Write to your friend explaining what you would like to do when you arrive. Ask your friend to help with accommodation and give all the relevant details considering your trip.

Dear Helen,

I’m sorry for not writing you for such a long time. I hope that you and your family are fine. As you know I try to improve my English, so I make a solution to spend my holiday in your city.

I’ll attend English classes in the Capital School of English in London. The lessons finish at 3 p.m., so I’ll have enough free time to spend with you. It’d be great if me can go sightseeing together. I would tell you everything about the last events which happened with me in this year.

I would ask you to help me with a flat. I’d like to rent an one-room apartment without a kitchen not far from your house. It’ll be fine to pay less then in the hotel. I hope you could help me with this problem. I will arrive on the 7th of September and it’ll be two-weeks holiday.

Please, tell me about clothes style that young women prefer to wear in London. I won’t be a black sheep in my School.

I’d appreciate any help you can give me.

Many thanks in advance,

Lots of love,
Natalia

[KalinkaMalinka]

I’m sorry for not writing you for such a long time. I hope that you and your family are fine. As you know I try to improve my English, so I make a solution to spend my holiday in your city.

I’ll attend English classes in the Capital School of English in London. The lessons finish at 3 p.m., so I’ll have enough free time to spend with you. It’d be great if me can go sightseeing together. I would tell you everything about the last events which happened with me in this year.

I would ask you to help me with a flat. I’d like to rent an one-room apartment without a kitchen not far from your house. It’ll be fine to pay less then in the hotel. I hope you could help me with this problem. I will arrive on the 7th of September and it’ll be two-weeks holiday.

Please, tell me about clothes style that young women prefer to wear in London. I won’t be a black sheep in my School.

I’d appreciate any help you can give me.

Я бы сказала, что очень неплохо в плане грамматики.
Есть некоторые небольшие ошибки.
1. Самое заметное. Когда вы говорите о своих намерениях или планах, то не стоит употреблять будущее время (will), потому что I will более всего употреблятся, если дают какие-то обещания. А вы говорите о своих планах, поэтому используйте I am going to...

Например, вы скажете I am going to attend English classes in the Capital School of English in London.

Далее:

so I make a solution - так не говорят. solution - это решение какой-то проблемы. А ВАШЕ решение поехать туда будет decision. Время тоже употреблено неправильно. Так что здесь I've made a decision, а лучше I've decided

enough free time здесь просто enough time

if me can go sightseeing здесь вместо can - лучше could

with me in this year не надо in.

I would ask you to help me with a flat - получается не вежливо. Будет тактичнее спросить: Dear friend, can I ask you to help me with the flat или Could you help me with the flat?

Так все-таки then или than?

the hotel - здесь должен быть неопределенный артикль. Вы же не говорите о каком-то конкретном отеле.

Please, tell me about clothes style - опять же, вежливая форма будет Could you please tell me

Но, опять же, все это маленькие ошибочки, а вцелом, очень неплохо грамматически. (Структуру не комментирую)

[jenja]

+ last events на latest events также поменяйте

[ledy]

Здравствуйте!
Прочтите и покритикуйте, пожалуйста, мое эссе.
Скоро сдавать экзамен.
Всем буду очень признательна. Спасибо.

Some people believe that the best way of learning about life is by listening to the advice of family and friends. Other people believe that the best way of learning about life is through personal experience. Compare the advantages of these two different ways of learning about life. Which do you think preferable? Use specific examples to support your preferences.


There are two main methods to choose the best way of learning about life. Some people prefer to receive advices about life from family and friends. However, other people believe that the best way of learning about life is through own experience. In my opinion, the best way of learning about life is through your personal knowledge.
On the one side, learning through one’s personal experience brings many benefits. First of all, scientists say that personal experience has an enormous impact on a person’s consciousness. For example, parents said to their children be careful and avoid certain things, which can be dangerous. Despite of the fact, children do everything vice-versa. Furthmore, they remember this experience longer. Second of all, people learn to analyze their mistakes and next time try to avoid them. Thus, the own experience can help people to become stronger, more self-confident and persistent.
On the other side, listening to the advice of family and friends brings many advantages too. As a rule, parents give the most important advices and valuable knowledge for their children. It can greatly help to avoid many problems. For example, my mother have learnt me many different and useful advices, which I remember and use in my life. Now I am very grateful to her.
Taking all these points into consideration, I think that both ways of learning about life are necessary and important. Each of them has the benefits. As far as I am concerned that together they can simplify, improve our life and make the way to success shorter.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Здравствуйте!
Прочтите и покритикуйте, пожалуйста, мое эссе.
Скоро сдавать экзамен.
Всем буду очень признательна. Спасибо.

Some people believe that the best way of learning about life is by listening to the advice of family and friends. Other people believe that the best way of learning about life is through personal experience. Compare the advantages of these two different ways of learning about life. Which do you think preferable? Use specific examples to support your preferences.


There are two main methods to choose the best way of learning about life. Some people prefer to receive advices about life from family and friends. However, other people believe that the best way of learning about life is through own experience. In my opinion, the best way of learning about life is through your personal knowledge.
On the one side, learning through one’s personal experience brings many benefits. First of all, scientists say that personal experience has an enormous impact on a person’s consciousness. For example, parents said to their children be careful and avoid certain things, which can be dangerous. Despite of the fact, children do everything vice-versa. Furthmore, they remember this experience longer. Second of all, people learn to analyze their mistakes and next time try to avoid them. Thus, the own experience can help people to become stronger, more self-confident and persistent.
On the other side, listening to the advice of family and friends brings many advantages too. As a rule, parents give the most important advices and valuable knowledge for their children. It can greatly help to avoid many problems. For example, my mother have learnt me many different and useful advices, which I remember and use in my life. Now I am very grateful to her.
Taking all these points into consideration, I think that both ways of learning about life are necessary and important. Each of them has the benefits. As far as I am concerned that together they can simplify, improve our life and make the way to success shorter.

Вы 'забыли' сказать какой у Вас target score. - от этого зависит и как 'критиковать' буду.
Из того, что бросается в глаза:
1. Самое главное! Ваше Introduction and Conclusion do not correspond! Т.е. в самом начале Вы вроде как сделали свой выбор, а в конце Вы от него отказываетесь. Это очень серьезный просчет, который может Вам 'дорого' обойтись.
2. Эссе не совсем balanced, as there's a specific example in the 3d paragraph while there's nothing of the kind in the 2nd.
3. learn vs. teach
4. advice не имеет мн. числа. Если есть необходимость - pieces of advice
Остальные ошибки - дело 'техники'. Из главных положительных моментов: у вас правильная структура предложений и нет (бросающихся) в глаза ошибок в subject and verb agreement

[ledy]

Здравствуйте, Maimiti_Isabella!
Мне достаточно 6 баллов.
Спасибо. Учту замечания. Действительно просчиталась. В следующий раз свое мнение буду осторожнее высказывать.
Насчет specific example не совсем поняла. Т.е. пример в 3 параграфе: my mother...- specific, а пример во 2 параграфе: parents said to...- not specific?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Здравствуйте, Maimiti_Isabella!
Мне достаточно 6 баллов.

Спасибо. Учту замечания. Действительно просчиталась. В следующий раз свое мнение буду осторожнее высказывать.

Думаю, что будет, если не будете делать подобных ошибок.

Насчет specific example не совсем поняла. Т.е. пример в 3 параграфе: my mother...- specific, а пример во 2 параграфе: parents said to...- not specific?

Да. Во втором случае - действительно specific, а в первом - просто пример.

Если хотите улучшить бал, то надо разнообразить структуру предложений. В вашем эссе практически все предложения - 'близнецы-братья' с точки зрения структуры. Кроме того - много 'лишних' слов. Но это - результат опять-таки структуры предложения. И еще. Добавьте хотя бы немного modality.
Например.
Second of all (чтo это вообще такое?), people learn to analyze their mistakes and next time try to avoid them в чем здесь смысл выделенного? Гораздо лучше будет звучать to / in order to / so that to avoid them next time. Или на более продвинутой стадии trying to avoid them in the future.

Кстати, для Вашей темы 'пригодиться' выражение: through/by trial and error

[ledy]

Maimiti_Isabella, благодарю за подробные комментарии и советы

[Stas109]

Добрый день. Всем спасибо за критику, особенно Grifffin`у. Я понял где я делаю ошибки и постараюсь их исправить.
Думаю сегодня выставлю еще один мой "шедевр" на ростерзание Надеюсь ошибок будет меньше.

[KalinkaMalinka]

Добрый день. Всем спасибо за критику, особенно Grifffin`у.

Grifffinа перепроверьте еще раз сами. Он сам там полно ошибок наделал. (Grifffin, не в обиду, ок?)

[Stas109]

Хорошо, спасибо.

[Stas109]

Do you agree or disagree with following statement. When people succeed, it is because of hard work; luck has nothing to do with succeed. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

I totally agree with this statement because I think if you want to be successful you need something more than just luck. Many famous people, like Bill Gates or George Sores, are well-known and reach because they improve their knowledge every day and work hard without breaks. It is my general point of view and I would like to support it with few reasons.

First of all, our world is like a huge wheel which rotate every second and nobody can stop it. Some people can’t adapt to this rhythm and give up or just waiting on a miracle but others like to keep destiny in their hands and they work like a devil without rests. So, I think luck will never help to feed yourself or your wife and children, just work can do it.

Secondly, parents and your family should be always proud of your success. As for me, it is a very important when people who live in one apartment respect each other, help with problems and don’t give a possibility to abandon. I know that this is too perfect for modern life but on the other hand, if each person, even children, in family will work hard and help each other, this family will be stable forever

And the last but not the least, people who work hard are succeed not only in their milieu and family. I think the most essential that they respect ourselves. They know that everything what they reach it is just their deserve. My good friend wanted to enter to the English University. Unfortunately, he was from a poor family and they had not enough money for his goal. Thus, he worked almost 3 years, 6 days per week without rest. After this time, he earned enough cash for entering at the university. It was an excellent example for all his friends that if you want something you need to do everything what you can for reaching your dream.

Briefly, in the end I would like to conclude my essay by saying that hard working process create transformation of our society from ancient to high technological. That is why, if you want to leave some steps after your death in our planet you need to work hard and future generation will never forget you.

[Lavrentiy]

Do you agree or disagree with following statement. When people succeed, it is because of hard work; luck has nothing to do with succeed. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
.

I totally agree with this statement because I think if you want to be successful you need something more than just luck. Many famous people, like Bill Gates or George Sores, are well-known and (1) reach because they improve their knowledge every day and work hard (2) without breaks. It is my general point of view and I would like to support it with (3) few reasons.

First of all, our world is like a huge wheel which (4) rotate every second and nobody can stop it. Some people can’t adapt to this rhythm and give up or just (5) waiting on a miracle but others like to keep destiny in their hands and they work like (6) a devil without (7) rests. So, I think luck will never help to feed yourself or your wife and children, just work can do it.

Secondly, parents and your family ( should be always proud of your success. As for me, it is (9) a very important when people who live (10) in one apartment respect each other, (11) help with problems and (12) don’t give a possibility to abandon. I know that this is too perfect for modern life but on the other hand, if each person, even children, in (13) family (14) will work hard and help each other, this family will be stable forever

And (15) the last but not (16) the least, people who work hard are (17) succeed not only in their milieu and family. (1 I think the most essential that they respect (19) ourselves. They know that everything (20) what they (21) reach (22) it (23) is just their deserve. My good friend wanted to enter (24) to (25) the English University. Unfortunately, he was from a poor family and (26) they had not enough money for his goal. Thus, he worked almost 3 years, 6 days per week without rest. After this time, he earned enough cash (27) for entering at the university. (2 It was an excellent example for all his friends that if you want something you need to do everything (29) what you can (30) for reaching your dream.

Briefly, in the end I would like to conclude my essay by saying that (31) hard working process create transformation of our society from ancient to high technological. That is why, if you want to leave some (32) steps after your death (33) in our planet you need to work hard and future (34) generation will never forget you.

(1) rich
(2) “without breaks”? Are you sure?
(3) “a few” – neskol’ko. “Few” bez “a” imeet negativnoe znachenie: nedostatochno mnogo, malo.
(4) rotates
(5) wait
(6) like THE devil. – nemnogo staromodnee vyrazhenie.
(7) rest
( should always be – poriadok slov!
(9) “a” – ne nado
(10) in the same apartment – luchshe?
(11) help OUT with problems – luchshe?
(12) “don’t give a possibility to abandon” – chto eto znachit? ne ponjal.
(13) “a” – nado. “a family”
(14) “will” ne nado. Will/would nikogda ne sledujut za “if” v odnom clause. Tol’ko v formalnyh oficial’nyh pis’mah tipa: “If you would let me know…”
(15) “the” ne nado
(16) sm (16). Eto ustojchivoe vyrazhenie: last but not least
(17) successful. ili ne nado “are”
(1 “Most essentially, I think…” – luchshe? Inache – korjavo.
(19) themselves???
(20) “what” ne nado
(21) achieve – luchshe?
(22) “it” ne nado. “everything”=”it” (zdes’)
(23) “is all down to them” = “vsjo ix zasluga” – luchshe? “deserve” – glagol!
(24) “to” ne nado. “enter army”, “enter politics”
(25) “an” a ne “the”. “Go to university in England” – luchshe? v etoj fraze artikl’ pered “university” ne nuzheen (= study at a university)
(26) they didn’t have enough money – luchshe?
(27) smotri (25)
(2 he set an excellent example – mozhno I tak
(29) smotri (20 )
(30) to reach your dream
(31) hard work has transformed our society from ancient to modern – mozhno I tak
(32) “legacy”, a ne “steps”
(33) “on”, a ne “in”. on our planet after your death – porjadok v predlozhenii
(34) generations – mnozhestvennoe chislo.


Soderzhenie otlichnoe, dazhe original’noe. Grammatika ne ochen’. Sleduj svoemu sobstvennomu sovetu: derzai.
Udachi!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

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